I hope to wake up tomorrow feeling NORMAL

[Tranquil]

It seems I've created my own world of fear again. The world just feels weird to me again, especially when I go outside. I don't feel SAFE. I don't have panic when I go outside but I just feel like the world is a big scary place now. Just like in 2008 when I had multiple MAJOR life changes. I can't say it's agoraphobia b/c I don't have actual panic attacks or anything when I go out but I don't feel SAFE out there. I really dislike the way I feel and don't want to live like this. I try to tell myself that it won't last forever. I feel pretty good in the evenings and I've gotten rid of the stomach upset and racing heartbeat for the most part (at least under control) but I can't get rid of this big scary world feeling. I got rid of the feeling once (in 2009) and I thought it was gone for good, but it was by using denial from something specific happening in my life. Now I feel this feeling again however I don't know how to get rid of it this time. Two months ago I was fine, now I'm not. Yes, I had a trigger but it has died down now. I don't know when this will go away. If it will ever go away. Until I feel safe again in the world, I am apathetic towards most everything now. It is difficult to get myself going and it doesn't help that the little bit that I do have to do, is all done outside. :(

I did notice that when I am highly anxious about my world that I cannot even turn the tv on. I don't feel "safe" watching any tv shows at all, let alone the news. I cannot take in even some of my favorite tv shows in the past. In one sense, this is a good thing b/c now I'm spending more time reading and meditating... in another sense, I have lost touch with the world and I find myself even retreating from family members and anywhere I don't feel safe which seems to currently only be my bedroom at the time and mostly only in the evenings. If you see me post during the day, you might actually hear a different type of person posting b/c each day I hope I will awaken and return to normal, yet the world still feels unsafe since early November. IDK I just want to feel normal again all of the time. I don't even listen to music anymore. I can't believe I had quite a few years in there where I felt strong and confident and things didn't bother me. Now I feel the need to stay "safe"

It is hard to put into words. My perception of the world changed and I don't know how to make it go back. I don't think more medication is the answer. I'm not sure what the answer is but I keep telling myself to take baby steps and just get through one day at a time.

[NixonRulz]

Instead of hoping to feel better tomorrow, choose to

You are the captain of your mind's ship

You decide how you will feel. It is already there inside of you

[Tranquil]

Update:

So I was told I could stay in the house I was living in and it literally took about 8-10 weeks before my feeling of the world feeling unsafe and scary started to die down a little bit. It was pretty severe there for a while and there was no medication that was needed in order for this feeling to lower although it took a long time (in my eyes) to happen. Apparently I was living with a Band-Aid for the last 7 years (a very large Band-Aid which helped the world feel safe, I was productive and living a very normal life until I got kicked out of the house... (sounds strange I know); however, a friend of mine who helped me 7 years ago, has been talking to me and although the world still feels a bit unsafe, (I have to use a smaller Band-Aid still to go out, I haven't gotten back to normal. What's frustrating is that this is not medication related as that would have been so much easier to fix that way. What I've been told is metaphorically speaking, I gave birth to another "baby" --> ME which is a huge problem b/c I can't live like this and I can't die and the baby is creating a huge problem in my psyche. I know it sounds stupid and illogical but the only way I know to get back to where I was in October is to find another large Band-Aid and everytime I talk to someone about it, they just think I'm nuts, yet I feel completely sane and normal in the evenings when I don't have to go outside and also b/c the day is over. I wish this were plain anxiety which could be handled with an increase in medication. Unfortunately, I had to escape the first baby and now there is no escape for me. (Yes I know this doesn't sound right, but I can assure you I feel just fine - just having a hard time explaining it to outsiders b/c it doesn't make sense to me either when I look at it as an outsider). I only know our minds are very powerful and some witch or tea leaf reader predicted this and I thought she meant an actual baby. She also predicted a very bad outcome for me (not in so many words but it was implied) and I've been fighting that for some time now. It's been difficult b/c I have hours where I can feel completely normal and then in the morning I wake up and reality hits me and the anxiety starts until I push it aside.