My Hypochondria Was The Best Thing To Ever Happen To Me

[Goomba]

It's true. That phase in my life where I could not get through the hour without wondering if I was going to hit the floor was (in hindsight) one of the best experiences for me.

Severe anxiety was not a typical thing for me. In fact, at the time that mine hit, I had just finished graduating with my second degree. My first is in Human Services, and my second in Behavioral Science. Both of these are very therapy heavy degrees. So, not only was my mental health always sound, but I was also equipped with a large knowledge base/skillset to tackle anything that came my way. Of course, I had some anxiety growing up, but nothing that wouldn't be classified as "normal".

Welp, then it hit, completely blindsiding me. All of the sudden, I had this perception of myself as no longer being healthy. To a degree, this was true. I was no longer the athlete that I once was, I felt tired and sore a lot, and I had found out about a year before that I had trace amounts of blood in my urine. At that time, the urologist suggested further testing because of possible cancer, but my ego paid it no mind. I perceived myself as healthy, and, even though I didn't consciously think of it, invincible.

Time to get a test done, my mind couldn't relax until I could chew every detail and confirm that there was no possibility of my demise beginning. Of course, cat scan revealed nothing but health, so they knocked me out and stuck a tube up my wee wee to be absolutely certain. Nothing! Woo! I was in the clear, and had a brief period of peace.

However, my mental mindset was still the same, and soon every detail I noticed, accompanied with "all-knowing" Web MD, assured me that my death was soon approaching. Maybe that is the wrong way to put it. It was more like I would notice something, and would want to logically confirm that I was ok. At this point my anxiety was minimal. However, upon further research, the generalizations, and overall lack of GOOD information, would reveal an area that would leave my mind unsatisfied, and eventually, anxious. In addition, I could always think of a past thing in my life that I would somehow connect to, "Oh S###, what if this has been going on for a bajillion years!? Thats what this symptom now is!"

So, this got really bad, I legitimately thought I was losing it. Derealization. Everything. As my anxiety became out of control, my symptoms grew more and more intense/bizarre.

Just to name a few that stand out to me:

My vision was like a fun house
Head pains/tingles
Rapid heartbeat/chest pain/common resting heart rate of 90-100
Visible pulse in neck/stomach/other areas
Can feel pulse throughout entire body
No sex drive <---- Very uncommon for me
Could not get an erection/low sensitivity
Things that would normally arouse me, wouldn't
Poor ejaculation
Stomach pains
Itty bitty super skinny stools
Blood when wiping/what looked like blood on stool
Stools of all different shapes/sizes/consistencies
Irregular Bowel movements
A million different aches and pains, most of them chronic
Short of breath
Feeling off balance
Feeling as if I had an inability to comprehend information/communicate effectively
I died everyday of a stroke

I could sit here for the next hour and type out my symptoms.

Eventually I got to the point where I grew angry with my mindset. Like, a genuine fury, This wasn't ME.

So, that is when I decided to conquer it.

For most of us, and a large emphasis on most, anxiety is a SYMPTOM. It is almost never the actual issue. Anxiety is not a disease that just happens, and have no control over. It is the result of us not confronting our deepest emotional issues. It is a sign that we are NOT (even though we may think we are, or may be completely unaware of) dealing with the larger problems. This process of digging and reflecting so deeply is not an easy one. It will involve challenging your perceptions, your beliefs, the core of what you THINK you are. Doing this, will cause you more anxiety.

In my experience, health anxiety is largely related to the fear of death, and quality of life. You're not afraid of getting cancer. You're not afraid of having a stroke. You are afraid of ceasing to exist. You are afraid of having to adjust the picture you painted out of how your life would be, to something else. Otherwise, who cares? People get sick all the time, no big deal. Consequently, confronting the fears will minimize the anxiety. This isn't to say that this will be everyone's experience. Everyone's issues and mental makeup are unique to them. But, the issue isn't the anxiety. The anxiety is a gift, communicating to you that you need to make adjustments.

Own your experiences. Be HONEST with who you are, and what you have been through.

After a long reflective battle (details can be discussed later), I beat my anxiety, and my symptoms ceased, almost like magic. But, I didn't just beat anxiety. I transformed myself. I grew past my deepest depths. A lot of individuals do not experience any anxiety. This is not because they are better, more "normal", or more mentally sound. It is because they are content. Any amount of self-growth, any amount of pushing beyond your boundaries, will cause anxiety. That is a beautiful thing. Follow the anxiety to its core, and grow from it.

I've always been amazed by life. Now, I am able to view the world in a way I never was able to before, and it is truly a gift.

You are growing. You are changing. You always will be.

Do not worry about what the future brings. The future doesn't exist, it is a concept. Everything is only now. When you were in the past, you were in the now. At this moment, you are in the now. When the future comes, you will be in the now. You never know what will happen to you. As children, we dream up our perfect lives, and adults reinforce it. Maybe their lives aren't perfect, maybe they just want the best for you, maybe they just want you to have peace. Nonetheless, our loved ones tell us that we will live long happy lives, free of illness. The reality is, that was NEVER a guarantee. The possibility of death exists everyday in our lives. It has always been that way.However, we perceive ourselves as having controlover many situations, such as car accidents, burglaries, etc. Health issues are particularly troublesome, because we feel as though we can't prevent it, or control it. The truth is, you can't control any of it, and that is ok. It is alright to give up control.

The only thing you can actually control in life is yourself, and how you respond to situations.

There comes a point when you realize that you aren't invincible, do not fool yourself and continue to provide false reassurances that it will be ok. We will all die. Enjoy your time now, BE ALIVE, and be amazed by all of the beauty there is to experience in this life.

The rest is a paradox of "what ifs", a complete distraction to who you are.

Find yourself through the anxiety, bring it out, and be yourself.

[aml0017]

Wow! Amazing post. I am so glad I read this because I was just thinking about the same things. I was reading some of my previous responses to other posters who are going through anxiety, panic attacks, depression. I thought, hey, that's some good advice! After almost 20 years I am a master at "coping" with anxiety, and the symptoms of anxiety. Yet why am I still once again feeling the same fear? I can talk myself down, remind myself it is just thoughts, exercise, relax whatever. Then I am ok again--until I'm not.

I do agree with you that anxiety is a symptom of an inner emotional struggle. Funnily enough, after years of worrying about my health one day I just said "whatever, if I die I die" and it was like a switch turned off. I saw the physical "ailments" for what they were, anxiety. I haven't worried about my health in years (well not in an obsessive abnormal way anyway, I am getting older). However, I can't seem to do the same for other worries. I worry mostly about change, any little change in a daily routine will set me off. Choices are so hard for me, I am very indecisive about everything no matter how trivial. I read way too much into words, actions, looks from others and perceive them to be judging me.

I truly think it does go down to the core of "who am I?" "why is who I am not enough?" "who is this inner critic?". I have known this for a while yet I have not yet found the courage to really dig down deep. What am I so afraid of? I suppose I think I will find someone who I despise, who is not worthy of love or acceptance or happiness. I have wasted so much of my life being scared, and I am still scared I will admit. I stay in a safe bubble, not really living life. I have some ideas of past experiences, childhood issues, that may have led me to have no self-worth whatsoever. However, what is done is done, I need to find the courage to move FORWARD, to really put myself out there and say "this is me like it or not". TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST.

I am a good person, I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I love my family and friends, I love my dog and my cat. I go to work everyday and support myself. I try to take care of my body and eat right. Why is this not enough? I obviously care enough to get myself up out of bed each morning and keep on living. Or am I just scared to die?

I plan to read your post again soon. Somehow I need to find the courage to really look at myself and live my life to the fullest.

[Ambition]

I suffer anxiety and agoraphobia. It's all caused by my stressful uncertain home life. My environment. My sister got married, now her husband has been living with us for over 2 half years she had a baby 2 years ago. They won't move out the husband refuses to. We have 6 people in our house. My parents are too soft. My sister and husband seem to make the rules up. Now they want us all to move to the other end of the country. This bomb shell was dropped last Christmas 2013-14. Now fearing having to move away form the place I grew up I no longer feel part of it. Worried about leaving my friends or staying and been on my own I have become very anxious. Depressed and agoraphobic.

It's the uncertainly I can't deal with. If my home life became more settled, if I was not fearing having to leave the place I grew up in. If my sister left the dominating husband then I could deal with my anxiety and tackle that instead of living from crisis to crisis.

But I blame myself its my fault that she ever met that rotten man. I was the one who decided we went on holiday to Tunisia. I never knew the consequences otherwise I'd never have gone to that place. Everything at home was fine now I have ruined everything for my parents and their home and for me.

The only way out is either winning the lottery which is virtually impossible or getting cancer which is a 1 in 3 chance. With that I can put my life into perspective.

[Goomba]

I just wanted to communicate that I read and appreciate your posts. I will respond in the near future, however, tonight I am enjoying the new year.

Remember, you have all the means to be the best individual, within you.

[jessed03]

Enlightening post. Great share. Hope 2015 rocks for you!

[Robert Tressell]

It's true that when I think of the future my anxiety intensifies - What if I lose my job, what if I can't pay the rent, what if I get sick etc etc

"what if" thinking is nothing but agony, so I try to literally take each day, each event, each week one at a time.

The anxiety is always lurking like a caged animal, but easier to control this way. What's the point of worrying about events next April, when I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and never even see April, and all that worry for nothing.

For 2015, i'm going to live in the NOW.

[Goomba]

Wow! Amazing post. I am so glad I read this because I was just thinking about the same things. I was reading some of my previous responses to other posters who are going through anxiety, panic attacks, depression. I thought, hey, that's some good advice! After almost 20 years I am a master at "coping" with anxiety, and the symptoms of anxiety. Yet why am I still once again feeling the same fear? I can talk myself down, remind myself it is just thoughts, exercise, relax whatever. Then I am ok again--until I'm not.

I do agree with you that anxiety is a symptom of an inner emotional struggle. Funnily enough, after years of worrying about my health one day I just said "whatever, if I die I die" and it was like a switch turned off. I saw the physical "ailments" for what they were, anxiety. I haven't worried about my health in years (well not in an obsessive abnormal way anyway, I am getting older). However, I can't seem to do the same for other worries. I worry mostly about change, any little change in a daily routine will set me off. Choices are so hard for me, I am very indecisive about everything no matter how trivial. I read way too much into words, actions, looks from others and perceive them to be judging me.

I truly think it does go down to the core of "who am I?" "why is who I am not enough?" "who is this inner critic?". I have known this for a while yet I have not yet found the courage to really dig down deep. What am I so afraid of? I suppose I think I will find someone who I despise, who is not worthy of love or acceptance or happiness. I have wasted so much of my life being scared, and I am still scared I will admit. I stay in a safe bubble, not really living life. I have some ideas of past experiences, childhood issues, that may have led me to have no self-worth whatsoever. However, what is done is done, I need to find the courage to move FORWARD, to really put myself out there and say "this is me like it or not". TO LOVE MYSELF FIRST.

I am a good person, I try to treat others as I would like to be treated. I love my family and friends, I love my dog and my cat. I go to work everyday and support myself. I try to take care of my body and eat right. Why is this not enough? I obviously care enough to get myself up out of bed each morning and keep on living. Or am I just scared to die?

I plan to read your post again soon. Somehow I need to find the courage to really look at myself and live my life to the fullest.

Thanks for your kind words, and sorry for not responding sooner. It's been a busy new year!

It seems to me that you have a lot of insight in regards to your anxiety. Sometimes I view our society as a bunch of "robots". In other words, a bunch of people passively accepting how they are supposed to live, their situation, etc. People who are more often than not distracted by misinformation, and enthralled in material goods. I'm sure you have heard the scenario before.

Funny enough, as long as you entertain this lifestyle, it is my experience that many people are "happy". Or, in other words, ignorance is bliss. When you're not challenging your life, you're blindly content. And then, whether it be due to circumstances, emotional growth, or whatever the case may be, we start to ask ourselves the questions that you described in your post. In my experience, it causes us anxiety because when we compare ourselves to others, or ask others for feedback, they look at us like we have four heads because they are not thinking on the same level that we are.

I'm not 100% sure where I am going with that, haha, at least, not without going left field a bit. Anyways, I think the questions you're asking are essential to growth. You seem to want to GROW, and LIVE, and to stop holding back. You are entirely capable of doing so. I think the anxiety you have been experiencing is the result of this growth struggle.

When you dig deep down you will find yourself again. You may need to dig through some bs, but you will only find yourself. It is all you. And, you have every right to be you. Do not be afraid.

[Goomba]

I suffer anxiety and agoraphobia. It's all caused by my stressful uncertain home life. My environment. My sister got married, now her husband has been living with us for over 2 half years she had a baby 2 years ago. They won't move out the husband refuses to. We have 6 people in our house. My parents are too soft. My sister and husband seem to make the rules up. Now they want us all to move to the other end of the country. This bomb shell was dropped last Christmas 2013-14. Now fearing having to move away form the place I grew up I no longer feel part of it. Worried about leaving my friends or staying and been on my own I have become very anxious. Depressed and agoraphobic.

It's the uncertainly I can't deal with. If my home life became more settled, if I was not fearing having to leave the place I grew up in. If my sister left the dominating husband then I could deal with my anxiety and tackle that instead of living from crisis to crisis.

But I blame myself its my fault that she ever met that rotten man. I was the one who decided we went on holiday to Tunisia. I never knew the consequences otherwise I'd never have gone to that place. Everything at home was fine now I have ruined everything for my parents and their home and for me.

The only way out is either winning the lottery which is virtually impossible or getting cancer which is a 1 in 3 chance. With that I can put my life into perspective.

Again, sorry for taking so long to respond.

Sounds like you live in conditions that will easily aggravate your mental state. While these aspects are certainly not easy to overcome, I encourage you to remember that your anxiety experience is entirely your own. The conditions do not cause the anxiety, your response to the conditions does.

Uncertainty is everywhere, there never really is any certainty. There is always the off chance that things will not go as planned, and that is okay. Things do not need to be perfect. There would be no point to life without problems. As your last sentence hints to, there would be no perspective in life without problems. It is important to remember, however, that these problems do not define us.

Your sister's situation is not your fault. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions. Your sister is her own individual, and she is responsible for her experience. I am sorry that she is in a bad situation, but she does have the power to move forward and conquer it.

It appears to me that you are trying to become more independent, and are experiencing anxiety, as well as other things from it. This will be a growth milestone for you. It is within you to move forward, and be happy.

[namaste87]

this made me cry. <3

[Goomba]

It's true that when I think of the future my anxiety intensifies - What if I lose my job, what if I can't pay the rent, what if I get sick etc etc "what if" thinking is nothing but agony, so I try to literally take each day, each event, each week one at a time. The anxiety is always lurking like a caged animal, but easier to control this way. What's the point of worrying about events next April, when I could get hit by a bus tomorrow and never even see April, and all that worry for nothing. For 2015, i'm going to live in the NOW.

Beautifully said, brother.

[Goomba]

this made me cry. <3

: ) Thank you for sharing that with me. I appreciate it.

[Carolinitaa95]

It's inspiring to read your story. I feel more motivated to get "better" !
I already asked this on my post but, what did you usually do to calm yourself down? Like if my chest starts hurting and I fear a heart attack, what do you think I should do?
Do you suggest I try to keep going on with my life, or should I try to calm myself down?

Ive been trying to keep going on with life but I either start talking to people in real life or I put music on or something but, what if Im alone and have no way to distract myself? Do you have any tips?

[Goomba]

I replied in your thread.

[ctb1988]

Thanks for this post. I feel I can relate to this quite a bit with the current wave of anxiety I'm experiencing.

I graduated about 2 and a half years ago with a psychology degree (really enjoyed biopsych and worked in a neuroscience lab for a couple of years), which I think both helps and hinders me sometimes. It's helpful because I know that my anxiety is here for a reason. However, sometimes it causes me to overanalyze and focus too much on "fixing" it, and we all know focusing too much on your anxiety usually makes it worse.

I'm dissatisfied with my life right now- since graduating, I fell into a job in accounting with my parents' business, which it turns out I really enjoy (I've always enjoyed technical work that keeps my mind busy). However, it's just a part-time gig (very small business) while I take relevant courses and work on certifications to move up to the next step. A year and a half - 2 years ago I was happier than I have ever been. Freshly graduated, back living with my parents where I could actually afford to eat, and didn't feel too much pressure to "take the next step" right away. I had plenty of money to go to music festivals, weekend trips with my friends and other things I didn't have money for in college. Now, it's different. I think turning 26 in November had a little bit to do with it. Feeling bad about still living with my parents and being employed by them, yearning for my own space again, feeling like everyone is becoming more successful than I am etc. These are all new feelings to me, because I've always considered myself to be as "successful", if not more so, than my peers. I'm preparing to apply to a job in a month or two after I wrap up a certification, which is a major step for me. It's exciting, because this is what I want and I know the time has come, but putting yourself out there is never a comfortable thing!

A little over a week ago, I began to have a few panic attacks every day. It started when I smoked pot and thought my fingertips were blue (I was studying all day, and the led on the paper from my penic discolored my fingertips). Of course, after a quick google search, I thought "oh fuck, I haven't been taking my vitamins, I'm most definitely iron deficient right now, my body is having a lot of trouble pumping oxygen, etc". It's not completely unusual for me to get a panic attack after smoking, but until then, it had been pretty easy for me to talk myself through it: "It's just a panic attack, you're heart rate is increased but that's normal, just let it pass". This time, it was more like "You've really done it this time!". I had to grab my brother from his bedroom because I was convinced I was going to pass out and need to be taken to the emergency room. It eventually passed, but until a few days ago, I had been going through hell. Multiple (sober) panic attacks a day, mostly over my health. It's so frustrating because so many anxiety symptoms mimic symptoms of legitimate health conditions. Tight chest, trouble breathing, tingling limbs, extreme nausea (which led to diahrrea --> dehydration --> malnutrition --> so weak you can barely move). It didn't help that I love my wine (I have a few glasses every day) and was abstaining because of deteriorating health, so I'm sure I was experiencing some very minor withdrawal from that. I had a two glasses of wine the other day, and I thought my liver was going to explode. Turns out, the area that "hurt" wasn't even where my liver is located.... I don't have a regular doctor, so I finally made an appointment with one about 5 days ago. So far all of my tests have been reassuring, and my panic attacks have greatly subsided. Still a lot of other anxious symptoms, but I've been able to stop them before they become full blown attacks.

Right now, I'm considering this a blessing in disguise. It was a completely deblitating week, but I feel like this is my mind and body's way of telling me to get my shit together. Time to get my ass in gear, take this next step in my career. Take it easy on the drinks, take a break from the hash pipe, get your health checked out. AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, I need to remember that I'm doing what's best for ME, and I need to stop feeling bad about where I'm at in life right now compared to other people. I'm a smart girl and I'm doing what's best for ME right now, even if I'm taking my time to do it. I'm also taking this opportunity to become more involved with meditation and yoga to help be more present and mindful. It's such a beautiful world out there with so much to do and be happy about. Hopefully I'll be back to my old self sooner rather than later.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, Goomba, but I feel like this post resonated more with me than any of the others I have read so far in my limited time here. I'm glad things are going well!

[Goomba]

Thanks for this post. I feel I can relate to this quite a bit with the current wave of anxiety I'm experiencing.

I graduated about 2 and a half years ago with a psychology degree (really enjoyed biopsych and worked in a neuroscience lab for a couple of years), which I think both helps and hinders me sometimes. It's helpful because I know that my anxiety is here for a reason. However, sometimes it causes me to overanalyze and focus too much on "fixing" it, and we all know focusing too much on your anxiety usually makes it worse.

I'm dissatisfied with my life right now- since graduating, I fell into a job in accounting with my parents' business, which it turns out I really enjoy (I've always enjoyed technical work that keeps my mind busy). However, it's just a part-time gig (very small business) while I take relevant courses and work on certifications to move up to the next step. A year and a half - 2 years ago I was happier than I have ever been. Freshly graduated, back living with my parents where I could actually afford to eat, and didn't feel too much pressure to "take the next step" right away. I had plenty of money to go to music festivals, weekend trips with my friends and other things I didn't have money for in college. Now, it's different. I think turning 26 in November had a little bit to do with it. Feeling bad about still living with my parents and being employed by them, yearning for my own space again, feeling like everyone is becoming more successful than I am etc. These are all new feelings to me, because I've always considered myself to be as "successful", if not more so, than my peers. I'm preparing to apply to a job in a month or two after I wrap up a certification, which is a major step for me. It's exciting, because this is what I want and I know the time has come, but putting yourself out there is never a comfortable thing!

A little over a week ago, I began to have a few panic attacks every day. It started when I smoked pot and thought my fingertips were blue (I was studying all day, and the led on the paper from my penic discolored my fingertips). Of course, after a quick google search, I thought "oh fuck, I haven't been taking my vitamins, I'm most definitely iron deficient right now, my body is having a lot of trouble pumping oxygen, etc". It's not completely unusual for me to get a panic attack after smoking, but until then, it had been pretty easy for me to talk myself through it: "It's just a panic attack, you're heart rate is increased but that's normal, just let it pass". This time, it was more like "You've really done it this time!". I had to grab my brother from his bedroom because I was convinced I was going to pass out and need to be taken to the emergency room. It eventually passed, but until a few days ago, I had been going through hell. Multiple (sober) panic attacks a day, mostly over my health. It's so frustrating because so many anxiety symptoms mimic symptoms of legitimate health conditions. Tight chest, trouble breathing, tingling limbs, extreme nausea (which led to diahrrea --> dehydration --> malnutrition --> so weak you can barely move). It didn't help that I love my wine (I have a few glasses every day) and was abstaining because of deteriorating health, so I'm sure I was experiencing some very minor withdrawal from that. I had a two glasses of wine the other day, and I thought my liver was going to explode. Turns out, the area that "hurt" wasn't even where my liver is located.... I don't have a regular doctor, so I finally made an appointment with one about 5 days ago. So far all of my tests have been reassuring, and my panic attacks have greatly subsided. Still a lot of other anxious symptoms, but I've been able to stop them before they become full blown attacks.

Right now, I'm considering this a blessing in disguise. It was a completely deblitating week, but I feel like this is my mind and body's way of telling me to get my shit together. Time to get my ass in gear, take this next step in my career. Take it easy on the drinks, take a break from the hash pipe, get your health checked out. AND JUST AS IMPORTANTLY, I need to remember that I'm doing what's best for ME, and I need to stop feeling bad about where I'm at in life right now compared to other people. I'm a smart girl and I'm doing what's best for ME right now, even if I'm taking my time to do it. I'm also taking this opportunity to become more involved with meditation and yoga to help be more present and mindful. It's such a beautiful world out there with so much to do and be happy about. Hopefully I'll be back to my old self sooner rather than later.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, Goomba, but I feel like this post resonated more with me than any of the others I have read so far in my limited time here. I'm glad things are going well!

Psh, don't be sorry! No reason to be at all.

I couldn't help but smile a bit while reading your story, I felt like I was reading my own...discontent after graduating, unsure about the next step, even down to being more successful than my peers. I think that was definitely a huge contributor, because it fed my ego (psychological ego, not conceited) a lot. And, then when I began to come to terms with my vulnerability, that was a big inner battle.

It IS a blessing in disguise, especially because you have so much insight about it. You got this easy peasey! Even to this day, I do notice that when I start comparing myself to societal standards, I begin to bring up self-doubt and anxieties. When I'm just living my life in the moment, I'm completely happy. That comparison can be good for motivating yourself, but in the end, its validation is non existent. Your life is your life. As long as you are growing, loving, living, the rest is only there to distract you from that. Its not as if achieving all of your societal goals will create happiness, and you seem to know that.

It's important that you do take the action. Action. Action. Action. DO what is best for you, and work towards your life goals. Every action, even the most minimal ones, will contribute to your triumph over anxiety. Action is you actively taking control back, and deciding to move forward, even if it doesn't immediately feel like it. If you're anything like me (which you appear to be lol), you're borderline genius (;P), and have a lot to contribute. Thing is, all that knowledge means nothing if there is no action to communicate it, and bring it to fruition. That was a huge part of my anxiety as well...having so much potential, and doing nothing with it. That energy needs to be expressed.

Also, meditation was a massive contributor to my growth, and recovery. It, honestly, may have been what started my anxiety, as I began it before my first episodes. I suspect I broke down my guards through meditation. Nonetheless, meditation is what got me through it as well, and I am 100% better off for it. And, it's not as if meditation brought me back to who I was before. That won't happen. It encourages your growth. It is a way to take action to take that next step. Once you get there, you will have new positives, but also new negatives. I guess my point is, don't aim to simply find stability. You can find it, but the anxiety will come back. It seems your anxiety is telling that its time to do you. It is okay to change, grow, and occupy your next frame of mind. It is also ok to find new failures along the way. Yin/Yang, right?

Anyways, I'm kinda just rambling now lol. But, I can relate a lot to your story, and I am fully confident that you got this. Don't rush it, do the work, move forward.

[ctb1988]

Thanks again, Goomba! Great minds think alike. Looking forward to what this new chapter of life will bring.

[plushie]

Goomba, thank you for giving us the opportunity to read about your experiences. :)

Also...

when I start comparing myself to societal standards, I begin to bring up self-doubt and anxieties. When I'm just living my life in the moment, I'm completely happy. That comparison can be good for motivating yourself, but in the end, its validation is non existent. Your life is your life. As long as you are growing, loving, living, the rest is only there to distract you from that. Its not as if achieving all of your societal goals will create happiness

I can relate to this. I think that's what's been my problem most of my life. I feel good, spontaneous, like I'm going with the flow, being myself and then something happens, someone appears, some thought appears and I'm being pushed back into "standards", into no no's, into expectations, judgements and comparisons. And on the emotional level, it feels like being an elephant who tries to fit in a matchbox... And it's also like living on two extremes- one being so great and the other unbearable.

[Goomba]

Goomba, thank you for giving us the opportunity to read about your experiences. :)

Also...


I can relate to this. I think that's what's been my problem most of my life. I feel good, spontaneous, like I'm going with the flow, being myself and then something happens, someone appears, some thought appears and I'm being pushed back into "standards", into no no's, into expectations, judgements and comparisons. And on the emotional level, it feels like being an elephant who tries to fit in a matchbox... And it's also like living on two extremes- one being so great and the other unbearable.

It is funny how it works, isn't it?

Although, to perceive it differently, these instances are opportunities. It is just as matter of asking the right questions. Why do I struggle with being judged and compared? Why am I opposed to these standards? Why is it unbearable?

Answering these questions, and asking more, can aid in developing a lot of insight on your emotional makeup. Is it that your self worth is placed in others, moreso than within, so judgments easily cause disruption in your life? Is there a fear of not meeting expectations, and failing? Do standards make you feel out of control, or do you simply just not agree with them?

I'm just talking hypothetically, only you would know. But, through confronting the problems/anxiety, we grow.

That being said, it isn't easy. I can totally relate your feelings, especially expectations. What I want in life generally doesn't match what those close to me want for me in life. It can be a headache. Or, they expect more out of me...more contribution to their lifestyle. It is as you described. One so great, the other, a struggle.

Yin and Yang, right? : )

But yeah, don't overlook the opportunities present.

[Goomba]

Just in case anyone comes back to this, I wanted to thank you again for sharing your stories with me, and that I am willing to go more in depth with anyone that thinks it may benefit them.

[Chauntecler]

I'm new here, and new to treating my anxiety. It helped a lot, to read the original post. Puts things in a fresh perspective!

[Goomba]

:) Good to hear. Let me know if you'd like to talk any further about it.

[Ponder]

(psychological ego, not conceited) LOL Now that's funny. You've made my week. TY

[Goomba]

LOL Now that's funny. You've made my week. TY

Glad to be of service...lol

[Goomba]

Bump...

Can't link it at the moment since I'm on the app

[madfinn]

Thank you, Goomba, for linking me to your thread. I have read it through several times as i sit at my desk. I am trying my best to grasp the advice you've given, to be honest with oneself. But my question to you is, how can we be honest with ourselves if we believe we have already been honest with ourselves? How did you come to realize you were not being honest with yourself even after achieving your degrees, and overcoming so many things? I ask this because i am struggling with this acknowledgement at this very moment. It is clear that you excelled previously to your anxiety. Similarly, I had done well academically as well as in other areas of my life. But i am now having to deal with new anxiety issues which seem to have come out of nowhere, and where it seemed that my previous self could have handled these situations without trouble. It is crippling me from focusing on the ambitious tasks that i had undertaken when i was "stronger," for lack of a better word. And your words reverberate; I am not afraid of cancer, or having a stroke, but i am indeed afraid of changing the picture i have painted for myself. And how many times must we transform ourselves? It seems as if one can transform oneself for the better but with no guarantee that he or she will not transform again for the worse. How do you reach into the depths of yourself and reflect and reflect when you continue to see the same things? What breaks the spiral?

What was your first step? How did you take control when you were in the peek moments of your anxiety? I hope it is not an intrusion that i ask so much. I have just found your thoughts incredibly insightful, especially to me in my current state. And i thank you again for sharing.

[Goomba]

You're not intruding, please don't feel that way. It may, however, take a few exchanges to cover the depth of everything you have asked. When I discuss being honest with oneself, I am referring to owning your insecurities at your core. Often we have years of coping strategies, walls, defenses, etc that keep us from even having an awareness of them any longer. This is a process of really digging deep and not pushing away the feelings that arise when trying to figure it out. For me, meditation was a huge help, any form of reflection is a great way to start.

I did excel in many areas, however, I am able to see now that my anxiety had been a long time coming. Feelings of not being good enough. Self-image issues. Fearing death. Being good at everything I did justified a part of my worth. Being hard on myself for every mistake I made. These areas were the surface level for me (There were certainly more, and some more "serious", but for discussion's sake, I think these are appropriate). When I was able to own that they were a part of me, I found more insight towards deeper issues, and how the feelings impacted my self identity. Feeling as if I had wasted so much time, that I could be so much more if I had applied myself more appropriately from childhood. Being mad at myself for missing many opportunities of love and experience due to cowardice. The list goes on.

Being honest with oneself may be as simple as saying, "Yes, I did that". A lot of people have anxiety due to trauma, or experiences in their lives that they entirely unproud of. Experiences that make them feel as if they are less of a person. I am not saying this is you, as anxiety can be just as severe from other reasons, but I believe that there is always a component of the self that needs to be recognized. I use trauma, because I feel that extreme is easier to put in perspective. Someone has been raped, but learned to rebuild themselves without healing - that is something that needs to be recognized in the conquering of anxiety experience.

After being honest with oneself, the next part is OWNING that it is indeed a part of who you are. And, it is ok that it is a part of who you are. In other words, "I have been raped, I felt that terror and disgust", and through owning the experience the individual can learn that they are not any less of a person than someone else due to that experience.

So, with you, it may or may not be something severe, but that doesn't take away from how you are feeling, or the depths of your anxiety. If you have been honest with your insecurities and fears, have you owned up to them?

For me, my intelligence and ability to achieve anything I wanted took me far for a while. However, eventually I realized that it was all a bluff to find my place in this world. It was my strength amongst peers that excelled socially, and physically.

After I graduated I really came to terms with the fact that I hadn't been honest with wanted to do in life. I gave into a lot of other people, and I wasn't proud of that. And most of all, I feared that I would die before I ever had the chance to truly live. I felt as though I had my chance, and blew it. All the physical symptoms I felt were an affirmation that I had past my prime. I hadn't even accomplished anything with my intelligence. But, for me, college was easy - I felt as if I should be working on something huge, because that is what I was capable of.

It is critical to do what you can NOW, and not wait for it to fall into place in the manner that the picture you drew shows. We owe it to ourselves to live everyday.

Transformation and growth is constant. My crippling anxiety was a stage in that growth. I had stopped growing, and needed to continue. Anxiety was telling me that. I don't think its a matter of how many times must it happen, but moreover, life style changes need to take place that encourage it to always be happening. Its not about being better or worse. Its about learning more about the self, who you are, your place in life, and then applying that insight to your reality. As you dig deep there will be many negatives, but they are just as essential as the positives. A balance comes out of it all, and that balance keeps you moving forward.

I am not positive what my first step was, but it was something along the lines of meditating, and allowing myself to completely "lose it", or let go, so I could see how I was truly feeling, and gain insight on my "demons". Another important part is taking action. Do anything that can help manifest who you are. That puts the anxiety fight, back in your "control". You have started that process with posting here. Meditating was an action for me. So was forcing myself to go out and doing something. Through action you gain more insight to reflect on. That, and being honest with emotion/experiences/dreams/aspirations, as well as owning them, will help break the spiral.

It certainly isn't an easy process. If you experience more intense anxiety it is probably a sign that you are on the right track.

One last fleeting thought - you already are in control, even though it doesn't feel like it. Try to redefine control as being responsible for yourself. Don't reach for control outwardly, find it inside. The need to control our environment, and every detail of our lives isn't true control. It is a bluff that we use instead of confronting our depths. "I can't control my identity, so I will control what I can externally". Problem, sooner or later we are hit with the reality that the ONLY thing that can be controlled is the self. And, the more we try to combat that with trying to control other means, the more anxious/depressed/lost/unfulfilled we get.

Trying to paint a picture of how our lives will be is a way of controlling externally. There is no guarantee it will go the way we would like it. And, if that is all we bank on, we miss life along the way.

Anxiety is not separate from you, it is you, a part of you that needs to be expressed.

[madfinn]

Thank you again, Goomba.

Everything you have said has struck me very deeply, and i am currently dealing with the same fears you had listed, being angry at oneself about wasted time, and how excelling and being good at things justified a part of your worth. it is perhaps the owning of these insecurities that have debilitated me in my current state. i am confused and attempting to understand the person who had felt the sense of achievement and empowerment in one's ability and intelligence, and how that person could become one who is crippled by seemingly insignificant issues. and perhaps this is because i have always been very hard on myself and feel as though i need to be working on something big, as you described as well. it is difficult to put into perspective my fears in the way you have, because i feel utterly immersed in them. are we to accept our mistakes or look past them? it is even more difficult because so many of us are taught to look past our shortcomings and focus on our ability and what we can do. we inevitably end up neglecting the negative aspects of ourselves, and when we are faced with them we are stunned and flabbergasted without knowing what steps to take after acknowledging them. it is difficult to "love the ugly parts of ourselves" and not want to immediately "fix" these negatives. what did you do with your fears after you had realized them? i feel like a foreigner who has to use chopsticks for the first time.

When you discovered that you hadn't been honest with what you wanted to do in life, how did you come to understand this? was this after your anxiety became prevalent? when i was younger, i had had external experiences which forced me to reflect and transform myself into what i thought was a solid and mentally sound individual. i thought that i had control over the self after these transformations which allowed me to see what i truly wanted to do in my own life. but it feels as if all the work i had put in is coming undone. i believe i still have the same aspirations, but with a fraction of the motivation because the fears seem suddenly magnified. i am trying to control myself in the NOW, and this is giving me the most anxiety. trying to redefine this control with all these fears, anxieties and insecurities, feels like a juggling act. or perhaps to better describe it, a sense of overwhelming weight which you desperately want to get rid of.

did you feel that your previous accomplishments were just at surface level as well? what did you discover that was most important to you to pull yourself from the fear? i am trying to find an anchor within myself, and trying to define the lines of external control and control of the inner self. but it is difficult to discern. i'm trying to let go of the surface fears, but i feel all too familiar with my demons, as if i have already been here before. and this thought sends me down the spiral of anxiety again, attempting to juggle its paradox.

i always have the fear that i am inquiring too much, but i just wanted to express again my deepest gratitude. you sharing your words and experiences has given me comfort and i have a stronger desire to overcome this exhausting battle.

[Goomba]

These are words you used that stood out to me about your current state -

Anger.

Insignificant.

Immersed in fear.

Fear that I am inquiring too much.

They debilitated me. (They are a part of you. You have debilitated yourself.)

These are words that describe happy, or mentally sound you -

Achievement

Empowerment

Aspiration

I simply point these out for reflective purposes. What about accomplishing things creates my identity? Why do I need empowerment as a component of fulfillment? Why do I need to be significant? Why is inquiring (expressing yourself in that way) a bad/fearful thing? What is it that makes me angry about myself? These may be some good starting questions to ask yourself.

"how that person could become one who is crippled by seemingly insignificant issues"

In my opinion, that line is huge. These issues are not insignificant in the slightest. THEY ARE YOU. And you are IMPORTANT. I don't mean that in the self-entitled sort of way. But, who you are, is the most critical aspect of your life. It is your whole purpose of living. To learn, live, love, grow. I have a hunch that the old you that you have described was built up to cover certain unhealed patches of your true self (deeming those patches insignificant - possibly due to the power of social judgment?) As you're growing and the true self emerges, these issues must be addressed. Anything that gets in the way of you loving yourself, or that keeps your true identity suppressed is a significant issue - even if society, or peers/family may judge those issues as a insignificant.

"When you discovered that you hadn't been honest with what you wanted to do in life, how did you come to understand this"?

This understanding definitely came in the midst of my severe anxiety, and was a part of my healing process. The biggest part of my "transformation" (really it is just growing. I like the word transformed, because it is powerful, but it is an ongoing process of growth. I don't want to give off the impression that one day I was suffering and the next I was perfect. It wasn't as black and white. But, through that period of growth and hardship, I did transform. The biggest part of that was embracing who I really was. I think this is the longest parentheses I have ever written, lol) was making peace with everything that I am. Now, I am not immune to everything. I still have struggles. But, as I discussed in the last post, I have made lifestyle changes that encourage me to confront these parts of myself as they occur, and grow from them. Previous me wouldn't have done that. So, although I also made big maturity strides when I was younger, I still ignored my true self - often without realizing it. Eventually I got to the point where it was necessary to confront this part of myself, and consequently, anxiety.

You say you are trying to control yourself in the now, and it is giving you the most anxiety. A couple thoughts: That is normal, as you are basically making yourself live. You are being in the moment of life, versus the concept of what life will be, or has been. Doing this is reality shattering - anxiety. In order to be at peace with the moment, the inner work must be done, which is the battle you are currently facing. Juggling really is an accurate metaphor. Have you ever learned how to? When you first begin, it seems impossible. Nothing flows, many mistakes are made, etc. But, eventually, through learning to find the balance, the chaos of throwing balls in the air turns into an artistic movement.

Chaos -> Balance -> Ability to live

But, again, careful with that word control. Try giving up control, and through that you will begin to find your true inner mastery, and a new understanding of the word control. If you spend your time TRYING to control, you very well may miss the moment you are supposed to be living. Encouraging life - that is the goal.

what did you discover that was most important to you to pull yourself from the fear?
That my fears were a part of my identity. I didn't conquer fears in the sense of they no longer exist. I made peace with them. I embraced that they were very real, and a part of my consciousness. Through that confrontation I began to learn why I had gotten to the point that I did, and it was as if doors were opened that showed me parts of myself that I had forgotten. Then, I remembered who I was.

My information processing mainly operates in reflection, it may be different for you. It important that you find the paths that are relevant to your journey. While I can shed insight, you have to find how it applies. But, because I operate through reflection, I didn't always recognize in the moment that I had opened a door, so to speak. Sometimes there were epiphanies as clear as day, but they were a more rare occurrence. More often than not, my in the moment experience was of the inner work, and later I was able to put things into perspective. Meditation really was huge tool for me. At its core, it really is about remembering everything you are, and have ever been.

If your demons are still demons, then you have not made true peace with them. It is as simple as that. Accept your mistakes, but not in the sense that they are you. Accept that you have experienced these mistakes, and learn the insight they have to give. Make peace with them. Accept that they have occurred, but that they are not some sort of ultimate definition of who you really are.

That is all I can write at the moment. I am sorry if I missed something, but I will be around for future exchanges.

You got this. You will look back and be proud of what you have become.

[MozartFlowChart]

Goomba,

Thank you for directing me here. I have a million dollar question. You say your symptoms started to vanish like magic. How long was the period between feeling mentally normal and the symptoms beginning to fade? I've felt much better mentally over the past few days and my symptoms have not improved at all. If anything, they've gotten worse. Is this more of a sign that it could be something beyond just anxiety? I realize it takes time, but if I'm laughing and having fun and this is really caused by anxiety, shouldn't I see at least small improvements pretty quickly? Thanks in advance.

[Goomba]

Goomba, Thank you for directing me here. I have a million dollar question. You say your symptoms started to vanish like magic. How long was the period between feeling mentally normal and the symptoms beginning to fade? I've felt much better mentally over the past few days and my symptoms have not improved at all. If anything, they've gotten worse. Is this more of a sign that it could be something beyond just anxiety? I realize it takes time, but if I'm laughing and having fun and this is really caused by anxiety, shouldn't I see at least small improvements pretty quickly? Thanks in advance.

It wasn't immediate. Things slowly dissipated as I allowed them to. If you have been experiencing intense anxiety, a few days generally is not long enough for your body to catch up.

They disappeared like magic in the sense that as I accepted each symptom for what it was, I would notice they were soon gone. As my mental makeup healed, the physical symptoms resolved themselves.

But, I want to point out that feeling good mentally does not mean that the anxiety has been addressed. Now, if you know you have done the work, awesome!

However, just feeling well, doesn't mean you have dealt with the issues.

To me, the fact that you are expecting the symptoms to disappear and are concerned that they haven't, shows that your anxiety is still present.

I dealt with the anxiety, and had no more concern of the symptoms. So, even when I had some on a good day, I didn't think twice about it. The symptoms then disappeared.

If you are searching for symptom relief, the anxiety is still present.

If that makes sense?

That being said, I had also talked to doctors and had tests done, so I knew a thing or two about the state of my body. If you haven't talked to anyone medically, I would encourage that.

[MozartFlowChart]

It wasn't immediate. Things slowly dissipated as I allowed them to. If you have been experiencing intense anxiety, a few days generally is not long enough for your body to catch up.

They disappeared like magic in the sense that as I accepted each symptom for what it was, I would notice they were soon gone. As my mental makeup healed, the physical symptoms resolved themselves.

But, I want to point out that feeling good mentally does not mean that the anxiety has been addressed. Now, if you know you have done the work, awesome!

However, just feeling well, doesn't mean you have dealt with the issues.

To me, the fact that you are expecting the symptoms to disappear and are concerned that they haven't, shows that your anxiety is still present.

I dealt with the anxiety, and had no more concern of the symptoms. So, even when I had some on a good day, I didn't think twice about it. The symptoms then disappeared.

If you are searching for symptom relief, the anxiety is still present.

If that makes sense?

That being said, I had also talked to doctors and had tests done, so I knew a thing or two about the state of my body. If you haven't talked to anyone medically, I would encourage that.

Sigh. I know what you're saying. The hard part is that many serious illnesses bring anxiety and depression with them. I'm sure plenty of people who actually have serious illnesses came to the doctor really anxious and were originally diagnosed with anxiety. I'm in the medical process (having tests, etc.), but I just find it really hard to believe these muscle pains and sensations are anxiety. They vary so little with my mood. They are the same when I'm panicking as they are when I'm falling asleep at night. I just really wish that I would see SOME relief when I am mentally calmer to give me more hope. I do have a scratchy throat and as sad as it sounds, I almost hope I am getting sick because it justifies my increase in fatigue and muscle pains over the past few days. What a spiral this has become.

[NixonRulz]

These are words you used that stood out to me about your current state -

Anger.

Insignificant.

Immersed in fear.

Fear that I am inquiring too much.

They debilitated me. (They are a part of you. You have debilitated yourself.)

These are words that describe happy, or mentally sound you -

Achievement

Empowerment

Aspiration

I simply point these out for reflective purposes. What about accomplishing things creates my identity? Why do I need empowerment as a component of fulfillment? Why do I need to be significant? Why is inquiring (expressing yourself in that way) a bad/fearful thing? What is it that makes me angry about myself? These may be some good starting questions to ask yourself.

"how that person could become one who is crippled by seemingly insignificant issues"

In my opinion, that line is huge. These issues are not insignificant in the slightest. THEY ARE YOU. And you are IMPORTANT. I don't mean that in the self-entitled sort of way. But, who you are, is the most critical aspect of your life. It is your whole purpose of living. To learn, live, love, grow. I have a hunch that the old you that you have described was built up to cover certain unhealed patches of your true self (deeming those patches insignificant - possibly due to the power of social judgment?) As you're growing and the true self emerges, these issues must be addressed. Anything that gets in the way of you loving yourself, or that keeps your true identity suppressed is a significant issue - even if society, or peers/family may judge those issues as a insignificant.

"When you discovered that you hadn't been honest with what you wanted to do in life, how did you come to understand this"?

This understanding definitely came in the midst of my severe anxiety, and was a part of my healing process. The biggest part of my "transformation" (really it is just growing. I like the word transformed, because it is powerful, but it is an ongoing process of growth. I don't want to give off the impression that one day I was suffering and the next I was perfect. It wasn't as black and white. But, through that period of growth and hardship, I did transform. The biggest part of that was embracing who I really was. I think this is the longest parentheses I have ever written, lol) was making peace with everything that I am. Now, I am not immune to everything. I still have struggles. But, as I discussed in the last post, I have made lifestyle changes that encourage me to confront these parts of myself as they occur, and grow from them. Previous me wouldn't have done that. So, although I also made big maturity strides when I was younger, I still ignored my true self - often without realizing it. Eventually I got to the point where it was necessary to confront this part of myself, and consequently, anxiety.

You say you are trying to control yourself in the now, and it is giving you the most anxiety. A couple thoughts: That is normal, as you are basically making yourself live. You are being in the moment of life, versus the concept of what life will be, or has been. Doing this is reality shattering - anxiety. In order to be at peace with the moment, the inner work must be done, which is the battle you are currently facing. Juggling really is an accurate metaphor. Have you ever learned how to? When you first begin, it seems impossible. Nothing flows, many mistakes are made, etc. But, eventually, through learning to find the balance, the chaos of throwing balls in the air turns into an artistic movement.

Chaos -> Balance -> Ability to live

But, again, careful with that word control. Try giving up control, and through that you will begin to find your true inner mastery, and a new understanding of the word control. If you spend your time TRYING to control, you very well may miss the moment you are supposed to be living. Encouraging life - that is the goal.

what did you discover that was most important to you to pull yourself from the fear?
That my fears were a part of my identity. I didn't conquer fears in the sense of they no longer exist. I made peace with them. I embraced that they were very real, and a part of my consciousness. Through that confrontation I began to learn why I had gotten to the point that I did, and it was as if doors were opened that showed me parts of myself that I had forgotten. Then, I remembered who I was.

My information processing mainly operates in reflection, it may be different for you. It important that you find the paths that are relevant to your journey. While I can shed insight, you have to find how it applies. But, because I operate through reflection, I didn't always recognize in the moment that I had opened a door, so to speak. Sometimes there were epiphanies as clear as day, but they were a more rare occurrence. More often than not, my in the moment experience was of the inner work, and later I was able to put things into perspective. Meditation really was huge tool for me. At its core, it really is about remembering everything you are, and have ever been.

If your demons are still demons, then you have not made true peace with them. It is as simple as that. Accept your mistakes, but not in the sense that they are you. Accept that you have experienced these mistakes, and learn the insight they have to give. Make peace with them. Accept that they have occurred, but that they are not some sort of ultimate definition of who you really are.

That is all I can write at the moment. I am sorry if I missed something, but I will be around for future exchanges.

You got this. You will look back and be proud of what you have become.

This is probably one of the best posts ever to hit this here forum. Well worth the read.

[Goomba]

Sigh. I know what you're saying. The hard part is that many serious illnesses bring anxiety and depression with them. I'm sure plenty of people who actually have serious illnesses came to the doctor really anxious and were originally diagnosed with anxiety. I'm in the medical process (having tests, etc.), but I just find it really hard to believe these muscle pains and sensations are anxiety. They vary so little with my mood. They are the same when I'm panicking as they are when I'm falling asleep at night. I just really wish that I would see SOME relief when I am mentally calmer to give me more hope. I do have a scratchy throat and as sad as it sounds, I almost hope I am getting sick because it justifies my increase in fatigue and muscle pains over the past few days. What a spiral this has become.

Anxiety and depression from serious illness is more often than not a mental side effect. Your diseases that can cause it are more or less limited to heart, brain, and hormone stuff.

I don't think there are as many people as you think that get misdiagnosed with a mental condition over a physical one. All you will read about on the internet is the person that had that experience. The 1000 people the doctor diagnosed correctly before that patient, don't share their story online, as there is nothing to share.

When my anxiety was at its worst, my muscles did funny things all of the time. Twitching was a big one. It would feel like bugs were crawling on them. A lot of spasms and general pain. Tingling everywhere. I'm not sure what you are experiencing exactly, but weird sensations and pains are not uncommon to anxiety.

Also, it took me a while to realize I had anxiety. Aside from the obscure panic attack, I really didn't have too many anxious moods initially (This was before my anxiety got out of control). Overall, I felt better mentally than I did physically, and didn't think too much about anxiety. When my physical symptoms started, I wasn't walking around having regular panic attacks, thinking anxiously 24/7, etc. That made it difficult to accept that any of it was anxiety related, in fact, as it was new to me, I didn't even consider it until my anxiety got really bad.

[Goomba]

This is probably one of the best posts ever to hit this here forum. Well worth the read.

Thanks for taking the time to write that Nixon.

I really appreciate it. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy. :)

[Goomba]

Bump per request.

[mrslizzyg]

It


For most of us, and a large emphasis on most, anxiety is a SYMPTOM. It is almost never the actual issue. Anxiety is not a disease that just happens, and have no control over. It is the result of us not confronting our deepest emotional issues. It is a sign that we are NOT (even though we may think we are, or may be completely unaware of) dealing with the larger problems. This process of digging and reflecting so deeply is not an easy one. It will involve challenging your perceptions, your beliefs, the core of what you THINK you are. Doing this, will cause you more anxiety.


Do not worry about what the future brings. The future doesn't exist, it is a concept. Everything is only now. When you were in the past, you were in the now. At this moment, you are in the now. When the future comes, you will be in the now. You never know what will happen to you. As children, we dream up our perfect lives, and adults reinforce it. Maybe their lives aren't perfect, maybe they just want the best for you, maybe they just want you to have peace. Nonetheless, our loved ones tell us that we will live long happy lives, free of illness. The reality is, that was NEVER a guarantee. The possibility of death exists everyday in our lives. It has always been that way.However, we perceive ourselves as having controlover many situations, such as car accidents, burglaries, etc. Health issues are particularly troublesome, because we feel as though we can't prevent it, or control it. The truth is, you can't control any of it, and that is ok. It is alright to give up control.

The only thing you can actually control in life is yourself, and how you respond to situations.

There comes a point when you realize that you aren't invincible, do not fool yourself and continue to provide false reassurances that it will be ok. We will all die. Enjoy your time now, BE ALIVE, and be amazed by all of the beauty there is to experience in this life.

The rest is a paradox of "what ifs", a complete distraction to who you are.

Find yourself through the anxiety, bring it out, and be yourself.

All of the parts I left in the quote really resonated with me..

Thank you so much for sharing. Very inspiring post.

So glad you found the positive in all of this. :)

[lruggy]

This is amazing. Your original post brought me to tears. I think we are really the same person ;) Haha. Your symptoms, other than those associated with being a man obviously, are the exact I am feeling. You have inspired me today, and given me hope. Thank you for that.

[Goomba]

We are all human, after all. :)

Thank you for communicating that, I'm very glad it helped. Let me know if you'd like to talk any more.

You will find your peace again.

[Annie64]

This is a fantastic post. I am going to practice being in the now. I'm hoping this will help me over on my health anxiety.

[Goomba]

It can be a tough process because it essentially involves re-training all of your thought patterns.

"I can't wait for x activity tomorrow" becomes "I am grateful to be able to experience life right now".

Or

"What if I'm dead by next week" becomes "I am alive today, what can I do to experience life?"

As you delve more into it more complex thinking can be tricky, but it is essentially always about recognizing that every moment is an opportunity for you to cultivate your life. Move away from thoughts that ruin your moments and nourish ones that help you to experience life, to any degree. It can be as simple as taking a walk. Move towards being grateful for each moment, because there is no way for us to know how many we have, and it is arrogant of us to assume that we have a lot of time.

Thank you for your words, and let me know if you'd like to talk more.

[Blondie517]

Wow, I hope to one day be able to have the positive thinking patterns that you do! Congrats on being able the cope/beat these tough feelings!

[Annie64]

You have a fantastic attitude and your words gave me goose bumps..to me this means that they strike a chord. Thank you for your advice. This is what I need to do. Instead of saying "what if?" I need to say "so what".

[Goomba]

I mean, I'm certainly not perfect. It's not as if my thoughts are positive all of the time. I'm not saying you were suggesting that, but I don't want to paint a picture of infinite bliss, that's just not life.

There is always room for growth.

I also am not immune to anxiety - I do feel it from time to time. I always say that a small amount of anxiety is healthy. It's a survival mechanism that can serve as a motivator. Only when it dictates your life is it an issue, in my opinion.

But man! When I compare myself today to where I was before, I have just come a very long way. And, I wouldn't have done that without anxiety. The "new" me has a new set of challenges, but anxiety is not one of them. I truly am able to utilize any anxiety I face as a way to figure out where I am struggling in life. That's not me bragging, I just am grateful for that part of myself.

I'm not sure where I am going with this at this point lol.

But, you can get to a place of growth from anxiety, and I think it's a great place to be. You learn so much about who you are at the core. Good and bad. There's no secret trick, it's just ALLOWING yourself to explore all that you are. It's always good to think positively, but don't use it to cover up the bad stuff. Doing that is what begins to cultivate anxiety being dominant.

[Annie64]

I get what you're saying. I gues we all take time to realise where we are and what we are going to do about to. I get relief talking about it and realising I'm not alone. That someone else has been through or is going through what I have and am is a comfort if that makes sense.

[Goomba]

Yeah, it makes perfect sense. There are a bunch of people here who have felt that way, myself included.

You just have to be careful, especially with health anxiety, because that process of reassuring yourself can be a compulsion of the anxiety. Not everyone is going to have experienced a symptom the way you may be, but that doesn't mean something is wrong with you.

Everyone has their own experience, but you are definitely not alone with this.

[Annie64]

Yes, I agree.. The fascination becomes the obsession. Self feeding. I think the hardest thing is deciding what is from the anxiety and what is a serious problem. I guess that boils down to the fear of dying again doesn't it.
I certainly don't feel alone anymore.

[MTelford]

However, my mental mindset was still the same, and soon every detail I noticed, accompanied with "all-knowing" Web MD, assured me that my death was soon approaching.

This made me lol!

[goddman_batman]

It wasn't immediate. Things slowly dissipated as I allowed them to. If you have been experiencing intense anxiety, a few days generally is not long enough for your body to catch up.

They disappeared like magic in the sense that as I accepted each symptom for what it was, I would notice they were soon gone. As my mental makeup healed, the physical symptoms resolved themselves.

But, I want to point out that feeling good mentally does not mean that the anxiety has been addressed. Now, if you know you have done the work, awesome!

However, just feeling well, doesn't mean you have dealt with the issues.

To me, the fact that you are expecting the symptoms to disappear and are concerned that they haven't, shows that your anxiety is still present.

I dealt with the anxiety, and had no more concern of the symptoms. So, even when I had some on a good day, I didn't think twice about it. The symptoms then disappeared.

If you are searching for symptom relief, the anxiety is still present.

If that makes sense?

That being said, I had also talked to doctors and had tests done, so I knew a thing or two about the state of my body. If you haven't talked to anyone medically, I would encourage that.

So you are saying that we should let physical symptoms to happen freely and then our bodies will realize that there is no reason for fear and symptoms will vanish?

[Goomba]

So you are saying that we should let physical symptoms to happen freely and then our bodies will realize that there is no reason for fear and symptoms will vanish?

More or less, but not in the absence of getting a checkup, and doing the mental work.

You won't get to the no reason for fear part, unless you address why you are scared to begin with.

But, yes, at a certain point you have to trust that you are ok, and over time the anxiety associated with the symptoms will fade, allowing your body to heal from the "overdrive" of it all.

The symptoms will then begin resolve themselves.

Anxiety takes very normal, and benign issues and makes them something far more severe. A person can get a stomach ache and think nothing of it, and lose the stomach ache over a course of a day. A person with anxiety can get a stomach ache and end up in a full blown panic from extra aches, stronger nausea, feeling lightheaded, a faster heartbeat, etc, and have the ache drawn out over weeks.

Deal with the anxiety and you diminish the severity, allowing your body to heal.

[Goomba]

This made me lol!

Lol it's too true!

[jessed03]

Pity there are no active mods around to sticky this thread.

Still, at least it keeps getting bumped.

It's been a good read. Last time I posted in here was on New Year's Day (I think). How quickly have 10 months flown by!

[Goomba]

Pity there are no active mods around to sticky this thread. Still, at least it keeps getting bumped. It's been a good read. Last time I posted in here was on New Year's Day (I think). How quickly have 10 months flown by!

I remember there was a time when I thought you were a mod. Lol.

Yeah, I said that to someone else the other day. I hadn't realized how long it had been. I had been doing good for a while before this thread as well. It reinforces (to me) that this beast of anxiety can be beat.

[aimeeelizabeth]

So, this got really bad, I legitimately thought I was losing it. Derealization. Everything. As my anxiety became out of control, my symptoms grew more and more intense/bizarre.

Just to name a few that stand out to me:

My vision was like a fun house
Head pains/tingles
Rapid heartbeat/chest pain/common resting heart rate of 90-100
Visible pulse in neck/stomach/other areas
Can feel pulse throughout entire body
No sex drive <---- Very uncommon for me
Could not get an erection/low sensitivity
Things that would normally arouse me, wouldn't
Poor ejaculation
Stomach pains
Itty bitty super skinny stools
Blood when wiping/what looked like blood on stool
Stools of all different shapes/sizes/consistencies
Irregular Bowel movements
A million different aches and pains, most of them chronic
Short of breath
Feeling off balance
Feeling as if I had an inability to comprehend information/communicate effectively
I died everyday of a stroke

I could sit here for the next hour and type out my symptoms.

Eventually I got to the point where I grew angry with my mindset. Like, a genuine fury, This wasn't ME.



Hi Goomba, thank you so much for writing thing post and for using every right word. I am going through exactly the same thing, and have been for a few months. I obsess over my symptoms- head tingles, tension, chest pain, hearing/feeling my pulse, my thoughts, my breath. I go through the day waiting to collapse. I visualize myself having a stroke, dying, collapsing. I don't know who I am anymore as I feel like I am living somewhere in limbo between life and death.

In reflective moments, I often feel that I got stalled in a period of transition/ growth in my life. (graduating, living abroad etc.) I also feel that there is something deeply spiritual and existential about anxiety and panic attacks. We are confronted with death, and our protective layer of desensitisation to the world is removed. I do believe that with the correct guidance , this can be an amazing and beautiful thing.

After reading your post, I really want to explore properly my potential and try not to overcome the anxiety but grow out it

Lots of love to you all, good luck

[Goomba]

Heyyy, it's my pleasure :)

The majority of the people that I have encountered that have health anxiety struggle with death to some degree. And, as you observed, spirituality, or lack thereof, is a huge component of that. I find that it usually exists in the sense of trying to grow beyond beliefs, limitations, and past pre-conceived notions - truly learning to be and have your own experience versus simply adopting what you are told via the endless avenues of media, authority, etc.

In most cases, to me, anxiety is a part of yourself that needs to grow, or a part that has begun growing and is encouraging change. It's that part of you that remembers who you truly are. Of course...that can be extremely difficult to see when having panic attacks, are feeling awful, etc.

Anxiety is a mental experience. Yes, there can be physical causes, but the part that is really debilitating, the part that interprets all of the increased physical sensations as a threat, the part that gets lost in doom - that is you (speaking generally as "one") trying to make sense of a growth process. Whether it be holding on to the past to prevent change, attempting to burst through defenses, or recognizing growth is needed, but being completely lost/scared/in pain, it's just you.

So, I say, let it out, and see what growth lies ahead. Let yourself dream again.

Just some 4 am thoughts as I'm about to pass out - sorry if some of that doesn't make sense, haha.

Thanks for your kind words.

Let me know if you'd like to explore more.

[drinae]

What a great thread! The first post was really informative. I have had periods of health anxiety before, but I don't currently suffer from it. At the moment I have a lot of anxiety about other things - so no matter what I do, anxiety keeps coming back, returning in various forms, even though I may get rid of it at times. I guess now is the time to really start working through it, to get past the underlying issues.

[Goomba]

Anxiety is tricky like that.

Right when you think you have it beat, it sneaks back up on you.

Unless you've done the work to confront the issues, all those periods of remission generally are, are periods where you have learned new ways to suppress and repress it. Lol, and as you have noticed, it will just pop back up again one day.

There is no time like the present to start kicking it in the rear!

[danielJ]

For people fearing cancer, there is completely no reason to do that. The Cancer Industry is a billion industry that earns money when there are sick people, not healthy. They don't want you to be healthy, that is why we see no cures despite overwhelming amount of money put into research. There are however, doctors that have come out with perfectly natural cancer cures and healed thousands, before getting killed by the health mafia. Just look up people like Leonard Coldwell, he is still alive I believe.

[Spiggot70]

In my experience, health anxiety is largely related to the fear of death, and quality of life. You're not afraid of getting cancer. You're not afraid of having a stroke. You are afraid of ceasing to exist. You are afraid of having to adjust the picture you painted out of how your life would be, to something else. Otherwise, who cares? People get sick all the time, no big deal. Consequently, confronting the fears will minimize the anxiety. This isn't to say that this will be everyone's experience. Everyone's issues and mental makeup are unique to them. But, the issue isn't the anxiety. The anxiety is a gift, communicating to you that you need to make adjustments.

Own your experiences. Be HONEST with who you are, and what you have been through.

After a long reflective battle (details can be discussed later), I beat my anxiety, and my symptoms ceased, almost like magic. But, I didn't just beat anxiety. I transformed myself. I grew past my deepest depths. A lot of individuals do not experience any anxiety. This is not because they are better, more "normal", or more mentally sound. It is because they are content. Any amount of self-growth, any amount of pushing beyond your boundaries, will cause anxiety. That is a beautiful thing. Follow the anxiety to its core, and grow from it.

I've always been amazed by life. Now, I am able to view the world in a way I never was able to before, and it is truly a gift.

You are growing. You are changing. You always will be.

Do not worry about what the future brings. The future doesn't exist, it is a concept. Everything is only now. When you were in the past, you were in the now. At this moment, you are in the now. When the future comes, you will be in the now. You never know what will happen to you. As children, we dream up our perfect lives, and adults reinforce it. Maybe their lives aren't perfect, maybe they just want the best for you, maybe they just want you to have peace. Nonetheless, our loved ones tell us that we will live long happy lives, free of illness. The reality is, that was NEVER a guarantee. The possibility of death exists everyday in our lives. It has always been that way.However, we perceive ourselves as having controlover many situations, such as car accidents, burglaries, etc. Health issues are particularly troublesome, because we feel as though we can't prevent it, or control it. The truth is, you can't control any of it, and that is ok. It is alright to give up control.

The only thing you can actually control in life is yourself, and how you respond to situations.

There comes a point when you realize that you aren't invincible, do not fool yourself and continue to provide false reassurances that it will be ok. We will all die. Enjoy your time now, BE ALIVE, and be amazed by all of the beauty there is to experience in this life.

The rest is a paradox of "what ifs", a complete distraction to who you are.

Find yourself through the anxiety, bring it out, and be yourself.

Thank you sir.
I think it's funny that people say stay off the interwebz about health anxiety and health symptoms, but I'm glad I found your post. My counsellor has been telling me that I'm trying to control too much. And I realize that... I KNOW that! But I'm having so much trouble finding the path to the mindset to slow it down. Your list of symptoms you had are identical to mine. I don't know if you want to, and i know that one person's way of dealing with things isn't something that works for another, but I really would like to know what you did to help yourself out. I'm not living life. I'm trying to control the outcome despite how ridiculous and futile that is.