anxiety still in full swing - back to my weight once again

[aml0017]

I have been in a cycle of anxiety for over 3 weeks now. Mostly a lot of rumination, worrying about little trivial things one after the other. Now it is full on crying jags, no sleep, can't eat anxiety. Why? My weight of course. My sister informs me that my mother has requested a photo/portrait of me and my siblings and nephew for christmas. She has been requesting this for years but I have always been resistant, mostly because I am overweight and hate it. Quite simply I don't want to take a formal picture much less see it on my mom's wall forever. I know my brother and sister know this but after 4 yrs of pushing it off I can't push it off anymore. I have nothing to wear of course because I never shop for clothes. Now I'm supposed to take a picture this weekend and have to run around finding something to wear and end up crying in the dressing room.

This is not a new thing at all. I have struggled with my weight for years now. Have had success losing weight in the past but always end up putting it back on because i haven't really dealt with the underlying psychological urge behind my eating. When I am having continuous low levels of anxiety I want to overeat all the time. When I am really anxious like now i have no appetite. The sad part is, a part of me was kind of glad I was anxious because I have lost about 6 lbs in the last couple weeks just from hardly eating anything. Not healthy at all. At this moment I am back to my highest weight of 250 lbs (minus the few lbs I lost recently, but probably mostly water weight) for the first time in years so it is particularly stressful for me. I have started eating healthier and exercising again, but because this pic is like right now it is like it will capture me at my worst point. That is what is stressing me out so much right now.

I know being overweight is a common cause of stress for women, but it is for me so wound up with my anxiety and is such a constant source of anxiety for me these days. I hate it so much but can't seem to break the cycle. Every time i lose a significant amount of weight and I feel so great that I swear I WILL NOT, CANNOT ever go back! But something happens, I feel down, I reward myself with food, the old habits come back before I know it. Anyone else going through this vicious cycle of weight gain and anxiety/depression?

[gypsylee]

I have been in a cycle of anxiety for over 3 weeks now. Mostly a lot of rumination, worrying about little trivial things one after the other. Now it is full on crying jags, no sleep, can't eat anxiety. Why? My weight of course. My sister informs me that my mother has requested a photo/portrait of me and my siblings and nephew for christmas. She has been requesting this for years but I have always been resistant, mostly because I am overweight and hate it. Quite simply I don't want to take a formal picture much less see it on my mom's wall forever. I know my brother and sister know this but after 4 yrs of pushing it off I can't push it off anymore. I have nothing to wear of course because I never shop for clothes. Now I'm supposed to take a picture this weekend and have to run around finding something to wear and end up crying in the dressing room.

This is not a new thing at all. I have struggled with my weight for years now. Have had success losing weight in the past but always end up putting it back on because i haven't really dealt with the underlying psychological urge behind my eating. When I am having continuous low levels of anxiety I want to overeat all the time. When I am really anxious like now i have no appetite. The sad part is, a part of me was kind of glad I was anxious because I have lost about 6 lbs in the last couple weeks just from hardly eating anything. Not healthy at all. At this moment I am back to my highest weight of 250 lbs (minus the few lbs I lost recently, but probably mostly water weight) for the first time in years so it is particularly stressful for me. I have started eating healthier and exercising again, but because this pic is like right now it is like it will capture me at my worst point. That is what is stressing me out so much right now.

I know being overweight is a common cause of stress for women, but it is for me so wound up with my anxiety and is such a constant source of anxiety for me these days. I hate it so much but can't seem to break the cycle. Every time i lose a significant amount of weight and I feel so great that I swear I WILL NOT, CANNOT ever go back! But something happens, I feel down, I reward myself with food, the old habits come back before I know it. Anyone else going through this vicious cycle of weight gain and anxiety/depression?

I'm trying to work out when was the last time you saw your mum (does she live far away?) and does she not know what you look like? Is it her opinion you are worried about or just the fact that you have to take a photo?

I understand the anxiety over weight but not to this extent. I had to face an eating disorder, of sorts, this year (I am diabetic and was deliberately not using insulin to keep weight off). But obviously that's a very dangerous weight-loss strategy. So I just "bit the bullet" and started taking the insulin. The weight went on but not as much as I expected and the benefits are huge.

Overeating is exactly the same as any other addiction, except you can see it more easily than most. Any addiction temporarily stops us feeling things we don't want to feel - anxiety, sadness, loneliness, anger etc etc. You feel better for a little while, then you feel worse, so you do it again, and so it goes on.

But the immediate issue for you seems to be the photo. Try to think of it from your mum's point of view - if she hasn't seen you in a while she probably just wants to see her daughter. She doesn't care if you're overweight (I don't think?) Just try and shift your perspective from "oh my god I'm so fat" to "this will be a nice present for my mother". There's a whole lot more to people than how many fat cells they have! :)

All the best..
Gypsy x

[aml0017]

Thanks Gypsy. I see my mom alot (she lives 5 minutes away from me) so she does know how I look lol. It is more my own insecurity about myself. I don't like to look at pics of myself already, and she wants this one to frame and hang in her house. She has been asking for this portrait for a few years now, I have always put it off and said next year, "when I have lost some weight". This year my sister went ahead and asked a photographer friend to take it next year. I could refuse but that would be a bit ridiculous. Ridiculous or no it is a source of extreme anxiety for me. It is the picture and also the shopping for something to wear issue that just brings my weight issue to the forefront for me. I put on some weight recently, so other than my work uniform I literally have no nice clothes to wear that will fit me right now.

So, though the rational part of my brain knows it is in my own head, from my own horrible body image - we all know anxiety is not really rational. A part of me does feel silly because obviously my family knows what i look like, but this is a big issue for me for a while now.

[gypsylee]

Thanks Gypsy. I see my mom alot (she lives 5 minutes away from me) so she does know how I look lol. It is more my own insecurity about myself. I don't like to look at pics of myself already, and she wants this one to frame and hang in her house. She has been asking for this portrait for a few years now, I have always put it off and said next year, "when I have lost some weight". This year my sister went ahead and asked a photographer friend to take it next year. I could refuse but that would be a bit ridiculous. Ridiculous or no it is a source of extreme anxiety for me. It is the picture and also the shopping for something to wear issue that just brings my weight issue to the forefront for me. I put on some weight recently, so other than my work uniform I literally have no nice clothes to wear that will fit me right now.

So, though the rational part of my brain knows it is in my own head, from my own horrible body image - we all know anxiety is not really rational. A part of me does feel silly because obviously my family knows what i look like, but this is a big issue for me for a while now.

Oh I see. So it really is just the issue of presenting yourself for the photo. I do understand the stress of buying clothes when you've put on weight and how depressing it can be.

Where I live there are quite a few stores that are specifically for bigger sized women, with very nice clothes. Perhaps you could go somewhere where you don't normally go? See it as a mission to make a nice present for your mum and in the process you might even feel better about how you look :)

It's horrible the pressure society puts on women to be thin. I was totally ruining my health to be skinny. And if I was younger (I'm 41) it probably would've been a lot harder to stop doing that, but the pressure does ease a bit as you get older.

As I say, we're so much more than how much fat we have on us, no matter what society tries to tell us :)