It's over - I feel so guilty

[Lilac]

My anxiety, eating disorders and general issues has destroyed us. I feel so incredibly guilty for wasting his time. I feel like he could have done so much better than me, that I did not deserve him in the first place. He has been patient, though sometimes a coward. He's just so nice and such a loving person. He used to be until my problems sucked his joy out. I have made major steps over the past year, but it was not enough. We hit rock bottom. He said things were good until summer, when I got roped into a health anxiety so severe I was sure I was going to die. My whole summer was about illness, and I pushed him further and further away. He started wondering if I would ever recover, if it would be worth it. And I don't blame him. It is hard to watch someone and be with someone who hurts so badly, who struggles so much, and you can't do anything about it. I got over most of my health anxiety, but it was too late. He was already distant.

My insecurity and anxiety did not disappear. I gained control over my health anxiety and eating disorders, but I continued being anxious about him, our relationship and his feelings for me. Here I actually blame him. I do not blame him fro struggling with coping with me and my problems, but he has never showed a true interest in helping me either. I have always said "communication, communication, communication". I have suggested so many things to make our lives and relationship better now that I have managed to take better care of my own situation. And he agreed with everything. Everything was going good THIS TIME AROUND, he always said. Things were different. When I asked him if I was doing well, he said yes. But I wasn't. I could sniff it every time he was becoming distant again. And confronted him. Then he always cried, saying he was not sure if he could see his future with me. But he loves me, and does not want to lose me. I mean so much to him. So every time (5 or 6 times) he did this: "break up" or demand some sort of a break in our relationship where I go back to my parents, and he comes back every time saying he REALLY wants to try this time. And I believe him. Every...damn...time.

So naturally, I spend my days wondering what he feels. When he is going to do this again. I analyze every thing he says and does. If he does not give me a long hug, if he stops saying "i love you", if he become emotionally and physically distant. I can't stop thinking and fearing that he will leave me AGAIN, so I start nagging. Asking if everything is going good, if I have done something wrong, if he has a problem with me. Oh no, he doesn't. He loves me, he truly does. And if he didn't have feelings for me, he wouldn't be with me at all. But I can't stop doubting the things he say, and the way he behaves. Because every time he has said that everything is going well, after a while, he ends up saying that there has been issues, that he is not sure about his feelings for me, and whether I am the right person for him. Every time. So I have lost my trust in him. He's so insecure he can't make up his mind about us. He wants me, but doesn't want me. Broken up with me 5-6 times, taken me back. Is there a wonder I continue being anxious?! He can't do that and expect me to take everything easy and trust the things he say, when this has happened so many times!

Maybe he said now that it is over (again) because I have been nagging so much. Perhaps if I DID manage this time to calm down and let everything go with the flow, he would see some progress. Maybe his feelings would grow stronger again. Because then he would see stability and confidence on my part. But can you blame me for being so scared? I am always on guard for the next thing to happen. For him to do the same thing again, or leave me for good.

Last night I started nagging again. Saying that since I am going on a vacation with my mother, I want him to tell me how he feels no once and for all. He knows how much I have been looking forward to this vacation, and would be typical of him to wait until after my vacation to drop a bomb on me again (he has done this before). And because we have had issues that he has not wanted to talk about, I told him to tell med everything before I go on vacation. It is something about getting ahead of him - I don't want to be surprised. So yeah, he did it again. Does he think he can fool me? I see the signs, every time!

But this time around, I think it IS over. If he decides yet again that he wants to continue, I think I will make a decision and leave him. I can't continue living in doubt, and he does not deserve to be with someone he does not see a future with. He's too good for that. He is a wonderful person! One of the nicest guys you will ever know!

I do not blame him. I am difficult. But I did not choose to have anxiety. Did not choose to have an eating disorder. Did not choose to be a control freak. The most important thing is that I am handling it. I'm in therapy. I have done everything I can to get well for myself AND him, which is more than I can say for him. To me it seems like he just wants it to magically disappear. He has never been good at giving me credits for the steps I have taken to gain control over my own psychological issues, unless I have asked him. He has always pointed to the negative. But if I did not suit him, why has he been with me for so long? I have had issue for longer than that. He has always known that. He could have left me long time ago...

But the guilt of wasting his time.... It is unbearable. I wish that I could have given him so much more love than I was capable of. We could have had such a wonderful relationship. He deserves that. He deserves everything well. I love him. But why should I feel guilty? I did not chose my problems, like a person with cancer did not choose to get ill. I guess even I think it's my fault I am such a difficult person. I don't want to live with me either. I have been self centered, not being able to give him as much as he used to give me. But for the past year and a half, I have tried. But he never encouraged me, just went through with everything. I guess we are very different too.

Perhaps we find our way back to each other again in the future, when he has had time to himself, and I have gained even more control of my own issues. But right now, I don't think we can be saved. And it breaks my heart. I want everything to be okay.

It hurts. It hurts so badly. Because I know that I want HIM. But I'd rather be alone, than staying with someone who is so insecure about his feelings for me. We have not officially broken up yet, but taking some time apart.

[Im-Suffering]

Together for seven years. Engaged for three. I think we are finished now. He can't continue dropping bombs on me, saying he's insecure about his feelings for me, taking a break, and taking me back. It has happened too many times now.

My anxiety, eating disorders and general issues has destroyed us. I feel so incredibly guilty for wasting his time. I feel like he could have done so much better than me, that I did not deserve him in the first place. He has been patient, though sometimes a coward. He's just so nice and such a loving person. He used to be until my problems sucked his joy out. I have made major steps over the past year, but it was not enough. We hit rock bottom. He said things were good until summer, when I got roped into a health anxiety so severe I was sure I was going to die. My whole summer was about illness, and I pushed him further and further away. He started wondering if I would ever recover, if it would be worth it. And I don't blame him. It is hard to watch someone and be with someone who hurts so badly, who struggles so much, and you can't do anything about it. I got over most of my health anxiety, but it was too late. He was already distant.

My insecurity and anxiety did not disappear. I gained control over my health anxiety and eating disorders, but I continued being anxious about him, our relationship and his feelings for me. Here I actually blame him. I do not blame him fro struggling with coping with me and my problems, but he has never showed a true interest in helping me either. I have always said "communication, communication, communication". I have suggested so many things to make our lives and relationship better now that I have managed to take better care of my own situation. And he agreed with everything. Everything was going good THIS TIME AROUND, he always said. Things were different. When I asked him if I was doing well, he said yes. But I wasn't. I could sniff it every time he was becoming distant again. And confronted him. Then he always cried, saying he was not sure if he could see his future with me. But he loves me, and does not want to lose me. I mean so much to him. So every time (5 or 6 times) he did this: "break up" or demand some sort of a break in our relationship where I go back to my parents, and he comes back every time saying he REALLY wants to try this time. And I believe him. Every...damn...time.

So naturally, I spend my days wondering what he feels. When he is going to do this again. I analyze every thing he says and does. If he does not give me a long hug, if he stops saying "i love you", if he become emotionally and physically distant. I can't stop thinking and fearing that he will leave me AGAIN, so I start nagging. Asking if everything is going good, if I have done something wrong, if he has a problem with me. Oh no, he doesn't. He loves me, he truly does. And if he didn't have feelings for me, he wouldn't be with me at all. But I can't stop doubting the things he say, and the way he behaves. Because every time he has said that everything is going well, after a while, he ends up saying that there has been issues, that he is not sure about his feelings for me, and whether I am the right person for him. Every time. So I have lost my trust in him. He's so insecure he can't make up his mind about us. He wants me, but doesn't want me. Broken up with me 5-6 times, taken me back. Is there a wonder I continue being anxious?! He can't do that and expect me to take everything easy and trust the things he say, when this has happened so many times!

Maybe he said now that it is over (again) because I have been nagging so much. Perhaps if I DID manage this time to calm down and let everything go with the flow, he would see some progress. Maybe his feelings would grow stronger again. Because then he would see stability and confidence on my part. But can you blame me for being so scared? I am always on guard for the next thing to happen. For him to do the same thing again, or leave me for good.

Last night I started nagging again. Saying that since I am going on a vacation with my mother, I want him to tell me how he feels no once and for all. He knows how much I have been looking forward to this vacation, and would be typical of him to wait until after my vacation to drop a bomb on me again (he has done this before). And because we have had issues that he has not wanted to talk about, I told him to tell med everything before I go on vacation. It is something about getting ahead of him - I don't want to be surprised. So yeah, he did it again. Does he think he can fool me? I see the signs, every time!

But this time around, I think it IS over. If he decides yet again that he wants to continue, I think I will make a decision and leave him. I can't continue living in doubt, and he does not deserve to be with someone he right now does not see a future with.

I do not blame him. I am difficult. But I did not choose to have anxiety. Did not choose to have an eating disorder. Did not choose to be a control freak. The most important thing is that I am handling it. I'm in therapy. I have done everything I can to get well for myself AND him, which is more than I can say for him. He has never tackled any issues he's had with himself, me or our relationship. He just wants it to magically disappear. He has never been good at giving me credits for the MAJOR steps I have taken to gain control over my own psychological issues. He has always pointed to the negative. But if I did not suit him, why has he been with me for SEVEN years?! I have had issue for longer than that. He has always known that. He could have left me long time ago, instead of throwing me around like a sock, taking me back when it suits HIM!

But the guilt of wasting his time.... It is unbearable. I wish that I could have given so much more love than I was capable of. We could have had such a wonderful relationship. But why should I feel guilty? I did not chose my problems, like a person with cancer did not choose to get ill. I guess even I think it's my fault I am such a difficult person. I don't want to live with me either. I have been self centered, not being able to give him as much as he used to give me. But for the past year and a half, I have tried. But he never encouraged me, just went through with everything. I guess we are very different too.

Perhaps we find our way back to each other again in the future, when he has had time to himself, and I have gained even more control of my own issues. But right now, I don't think we can be saved.

It hurts. It hurts so badly. Because I know that I want HIM. But I'd rather be alone, than staying with someone who can never make up his mind.

A relationship is a representation of how you define yourself. If you don't know who you are, then the relationships you are in will be symbolic. And you don't. Yet. As you change, and you always will, so will the people in your experience. In and out of your life until you beliefs match your expectations in a way that you have found yourself, meaning its time to settle, psychologically, and not be so volatile. Again the relationships reflect that turbulence. He fulfilled his purpose therefor in mirroring your expectations for some time. You both simply wear each other out. The breaks then are also symbolic as you recharge the batteries for another 'round'.

If you knew who you are, you would not blame, hurt, lay guilt upon, fear, shame, wish, and overall regret your person-hood. In the knowing is love, with no space for entertaining these other destructive emotions in the same body. How could you love another, when you are imposing your will of all the attributes just mentioned upon them. When you look into their eyes you look in the mirror, no exceptions.

YOU ARE WORKING AT SETTLING THE SELF, IN THERAPY AND EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY, SO THE TIME WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE READY, SPIRITUALLY, TO ACCEPT THE SOUL MATE WHO AT THAT TIME WILL ALSO REFLECT YOUR INNER EXPECTATIONS , BUT OF A COMPLIMENTARY NATURE.

The current pain you feel is not for him and missed opportunities, but pain for the self as you are separated from who you are, period. In separation is a deep longing to be you. The experiences externally are reflecting that inner struggle. You are in a very real sense separated from the love in you, and in that distance between you and yourself is the space of 'hate'. Where eventually its purpose (hate) will be the return to love.

I know what I say is hard to understand, and barely a one can grip it. If anything study that last paragraph above so at the very least you can be clear, and not brood endlessly over an illusion.

The greatest metaphysical secret of them all is the following:

"There is only you, no one else" If you are ready for that statement then you better decide what your being. Learning what to be (in loving regard for self) is paramount, period.

The grandest mystic of them all in the flesh had said:

"do unto others as you would do to thyself" understanding the grand illusion as a mystic He knew there was only the self. Filled with hidden meanings only those ready could understand. You act as you would in all-ways, in the highest regard for love of the self - and in so doing that love is the light and the way, period.

In all your work in the past year, you have forgotten (consciously) to learn to love thyself, and that is the only endeavor worth noting. This is the agenda in all the mistakes.

Do not let the mirage of a 'boyfriend' or countless other dramas deflect the real learning, you see.

All of the above information applies to every last one of you reading this. No one is exempt from the lessons you are here to learn. Better to get it over with now.

[prouddad]

My BIL just served my sister about 2 weeks ago after a 19year marriage that sounds very similar to yours. I will tell you the same as I told her. If he is not willing to stick it out or talk through the problems than it may be time to move on. Dont point fingers or blam or take on guilt. It will be hard for a while but it will get easier and more than likely you will both be happier and healthier because of it. Take this time to concentrate on you and not worry about him. I am sure life will bring better times and happiness.

[Im-Suffering]

Take this time to concentrate on you and not worry about him.

Which summarizes my whole post above. Take your whole life to concentrate on you.

[RealisticTrain]

A relationship is a representation of how you define yourself. If you don't know who you are, then the relationships you are in will be symbolic. And you don't. Yet. As you change, and you always will, so will the people in your experience. In and out of your life until you beliefs match your expectations in a way that you have found yourself, meaning its time to settle, psychologically, and not be so volatile. Again the relationships reflect that turbulence. He fulfilled his purpose therefor in mirroring your expectations for some time. You both simply wear each other out. The breaks then are also symbolic as you recharge the batteries for another 'round'.

If you knew who you are, you would not blame, hurt, lay guilt upon, fear, shame, wish, and overall regret your person-hood. In the knowing is love, with no space for entertaining these other destructive emotions in the same body. How could you love another, when you are imposing your will of all the attributes just mentioned upon them. When you look into their eyes you look in the mirror, no exceptions.

YOU ARE WORKING AT SETTLING THE SELF, IN THERAPY AND EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY, SO THE TIME WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE READY, SPIRITUALLY, TO ACCEPT THE SOUL MATE WHO AT THAT TIME WILL ALSO REFLECT YOUR INNER EXPECTATIONS , BUT OF A COMPLIMENTARY NATURE.

The current pain you feel is not for him and missed opportunities, but pain for the self as you are separated from who you are, period. In separation is a deep longing to be you. The experiences externally are reflecting that inner struggle. You are in a very real sense separated from the love in you, and in that distance between you and yourself is the space of 'hate'. Where eventually its purpose (hate) will be the return to love.

I know what I say is hard to understand, and barely a one can grip it. If anything study that last paragraph above so at the very least you can be clear, and not brood endlessly over an illusion.

The greatest metaphysical secret of them all is the following:

"There is only you, no one else" If you are ready for that statement then you better decide what your being. Learning what to be (in loving regard for self) is paramount, period.

The grandest mystic of them all in the flesh had said:

"do unto others as you would do to thyself" understanding the grand illusion as a mystic He knew there was only the self. Filled with hidden meanings only those ready could understand. You act as you would in all-ways, in the highest regard for love of the self - and in so doing that love is the light and the way, period.

In all your work in the past year, you have forgotten (consciously) to learn to love thyself, and that is the only endeavor worth noting. This is the agenda in all the mistakes.

Do not let the mirage of a 'boyfriend' or countless other dramas deflect the real learning, you see.

All of the above information applies to every last one of you reading this. No one is exempt from the lessons you are here to learn. Better to get it over with now.

Well said! You are definitely the "spiritual" leader on these forums. I think between the two of us, we can help others even better.
- Dr. Dan

[Lilac]

A relationship is a representation of how you define yourself. If you don't know who you are, then the relationships you are in will be symbolic. And you don't. Yet. As you change, and you always will, so will the people in your experience. In and out of your life until you beliefs match your expectations in a way that you have found yourself, meaning its time to settle, psychologically, and not be so volatile. Again the relationships reflect that turbulence. He fulfilled his purpose therefor in mirroring your expectations for some time. You both simply wear each other out. The breaks then are also symbolic as you recharge the batteries for another 'round'.

If you knew who you are, you would not blame, hurt, lay guilt upon, fear, shame, wish, and overall regret your person-hood. In the knowing is love, with no space for entertaining these other destructive emotions in the same body. How could you love another, when you are imposing your will of all the attributes just mentioned upon them. When you look into their eyes you look in the mirror, no exceptions.

YOU ARE WORKING AT SETTLING THE SELF, IN THERAPY AND EVERY MOMENT OF THE DAY, SO THE TIME WILL COME WHEN YOU ARE READY, SPIRITUALLY, TO ACCEPT THE SOUL MATE WHO AT THAT TIME WILL ALSO REFLECT YOUR INNER EXPECTATIONS , BUT OF A COMPLIMENTARY NATURE.

The current pain you feel is not for him and missed opportunities, but pain for the self as you are separated from who you are, period. In separation is a deep longing to be you. The experiences externally are reflecting that inner struggle. You are in a very real sense separated from the love in you, and in that distance between you and yourself is the space of 'hate'. Where eventually its purpose (hate) will be the return to love.

I know what I say is hard to understand, and barely a one can grip it. If anything study that last paragraph above so at the very least you can be clear, and not brood endlessly over an illusion.

The greatest metaphysical secret of them all is the following:

"There is only you, no one else" If you are ready for that statement then you better decide what your being. Learning what to be (in loving regard for self) is paramount, period.

The grandest mystic of them all in the flesh had said:

"do unto others as you would do to thyself" understanding the grand illusion as a mystic He knew there was only the self. Filled with hidden meanings only those ready could understand. You act as you would in all-ways, in the highest regard for love of the self - and in so doing that love is the light and the way, period.

In all your work in the past year, you have forgotten (consciously) to learn to love thyself, and that is the only endeavor worth noting. This is the agenda in all the mistakes.

Do not let the mirage of a 'boyfriend' or countless other dramas deflect the real learning, you see.

All of the above information applies to every last one of you reading this. No one is exempt from the lessons you are here to learn. Better to get it over with now.

Dearest Im-Suffering.

You have no idea how much these words meant to me. I read your post on my phone while taking the bus home, and I could not hold my tears back. Your words are so beautiful, yet they hurt. They hurt because I understood everything you just said, and it is true. It felt like my heart and gut was about to explode as I read your post. I don't know. Something about it was just so powerful. I do not love myself, and I don't know how I can ever do.

I have read your post over and over again, Im-Suffering. I deeply appreciate the time you have taken to help me.

[Im-Suffering]

I do not love myself, and I don't know how I can ever do.


I will try briefly here this morning to address this, but the material is very difficult to convey in wording. I tread carefully...

Love for the self is inherent, period. No effort required. Lets take this a bit further with an example.

God, for example, is love. Now, fight or deny all you wish, not you per se, generally speaking, you can separate yourself from Him/love, but you cannot remove It from your being. It IS your being. Love is who you are, period. Self hate is measured in equal parts to that distance between you and yourself - yourself being the object of love desired, yet removed from. (whatever the reason).

Inherent:

1. existing in something as a permanent, essential, or characteristic attribute


2. vested in (someone) as a right or privilege. Love is a birthright.


Compare the self with other living things. I say, you could learn a great deal from the study of nature. Allowing free flow of ideas and intuitive understanding. Does a flower not love itself? A beautiful flower is utterly itself in expression. It Need not impress any of its peers or try to fill their expectations.

A flower does not pretend it is a bush, or anything other then what it is.

A flower inherently loves itself (recognizes love as its fount or birthright), for it is alive (it feels alive), it has a right to be here. It is part of the grand cooperative venture between all of life. Its love for itself is expressed in its beauty. The beauty is not forced, it grows from within itself and allows the body full creative expression.

Now to the flower it is strong in its individuality, there is only the self, in being utterly itself all of life is benefitted. The flower offers no work for pay, does not care for criticism, from within or without. It is not fearful of its days, or if it is the wrong color. Every entity benefits from this little flower, as its inner courage and selfhood lights the way for joy and happiness. The expression of love. You may walk by in a sad mood, stop and smell her, look at the petals, and suddenly your day is changed for the better. Tell me, has that flower fulfilled its purpose? Has it changed the world, although never moved an inch?

Lastly, let look at its journey in life. As a seedling deep down in the earth it is in darkness. Does she worry about her journey or if she would reach the surface? With the power and energy that would rival a rocket propulsion this seedling cracks its shell.......... it is that life force that yearns for expression... this is unexplainable and unimaginable in its beauty..this seedlings motive force is self love.

The force behind love is the most powerful energy in any universe, period. Because it is God-force. With love (faith, trust) the size of a mustard seed, or (within the) flower seedling, you could move mountains - literally.

Breaking its shell is just the beginning for our seedling. (if it had parents that reinforced negative conditioning that would have been the end of its journey) Moving on however, now it must make the trek towards the surface. Does she worry where that is, or if she should ever reach the sun? Does she brood, and doubt, question the self or her abilities? Once our little seedling reaches the surface, what if there is no sun? Will she never reach her potential? These are human doubts, for the seedling cannot feel despondent, not because it cant, but because there is no purpose to it other than suffering. In a larger context it does not serve its intent. With love comes trust you see.

Trust in the universal supporting life force that is good, period. This energy and vitality flows through and grows all things. A gestalt of pure energy that loves you enough to give you individuality to grow and express. And this is great love you see.

How could you not love the self - take your eyes off the world, it shows you illusions and mistakes of your peers as they learn and grow, watching and mimicking them does not serve you. Place your eyes on you, and learn to love you, to be you, the you that you wish to be. (grow into)

And stay out of the past, or brood over death, or those who have died. The moment point is the point of power where all worlds come alive. The moment is the utter brilliant focus for all life, seen and unseen. The moment is the point of all creative energy and expression, learn to live and love in the excitement of the moment. Sharing in the great cooperative venture existing only in the thrilling now. For the now you are given. A gift. Life seems like a series of moments, when in truth it is a looonngg pause...I say that sloowwly for a life fits into a moment quite nicely, you see.

This (channeled mostly)was supposed to be brief :) ......... anyway, that is all for now. As I read it back, it turned out quite good.

Given with love to all who may read it. Yet the giving was all me, there is only I, utterly expressing myself. I do wonder what will become of these thoughts, out there?

[Lilac]

Thanks again.

It really is over now, and I am in the process of moving out of his apartment.

[Dahila]

Dear Lilac, I am sorry it did not work out. It is better to waste 3 years instead as 19 (I had) with someone who is not your soul mate, I do believe in that. It is very painful now but with time comes the moment when you start to breath with all capacity. Life is full of super nice surprises, awesome people, beautiful situation. You will be happy :)) Focus on yourself for a time being. When you need to talk you know where to find me:)

[Lilac]

Dear Lilac, I am sorry it did not work out. It is better to waste 3 years instead as 19 (I had) with someone who is not your soul mate, I do believe in that. It is very painful now but with time comes the moment when you start to breath with all capacity. Life is full of super nice surprises, awesome people, beautiful situation. You will be happy :)) Focus on yourself for a time being. When you need to talk you know where to find me:)

Thank you Dahila. Actually, we were together for over 7 years. Not that it matters but...

[Im-Suffering]

Thank you Dahila. Actually, we were together for over 7 years. Not that it matters but...

Again, a reading, typographical emphasis and periods intended, wwoorrddss like this to show time passing...now:

Your words, and possibly the most important (spiritually) of all your posts (a yearning for love from your soul not your head):

" I wish that I could have given him so much more love than I was capable of. "

One day your wish will come true, and you will live the most glorious, loving, giving, sharing, intimate relationship...

Today will seem so ffaaiinnt (adjective barely perceptible) and d.i.s.t.a.n.t. I have told you that the one is out there..w.a.i.t.i.n.g (slloowlyy) and working on self in preparation for the dream that is to come.

You both simultaneous dream the same dreams, your current experiences similar. Heartbreak leads to knowing, and a yearning to know true love.

You are to stop all of this mourning and blame, and prepare yourself for the greatest experience in the flesh, by releasing guilt, and opening the heart. (Keeping it WIDE OPEN)..Picture in the imagination daily, a heart open, where love reaches around the globe attracting the one to your soul. This is a literal exercise.

Some day, while you are smelling the dozens of flowers he showers you with, you will remember "im-suffering" and a tiny message board from another life (it will seem). And at that moment we shall smile together.

[Dahila]

Heartbreak is awful but it makes us better people, and smarter, and I think Ims :) gives you really sound advice:)