Scoofynewfie
11-15-2014, 02:56 PM
As I am new to this forum, I wanted to stop in and say hello to everyone and explain a little bit about my situation. First, I am a few days away from being 49 years old (cant believe it lol) and I have been an anxiety sufferer for about 20 years now. I had my first attack at a small concert in California where I used to live for many years and my daughter was 5 at the time. I have had a huge fear of death for as long as I can remember and was exposed to that at a very young age as an uncle of mine had passed away and I remember my mother telling me and taking me to his home to go through his things. There has been a handful of situations in my life that probably contributed to why I am the way I am at this point, but for the most part my life has been good....... not great ..... but good. As I said before, my fist attack was when I was 29 and at that time, my anxiety always set off my stomach and therefore over time I started not wanting to leave my house . It got so bad at one point that I didn't leave. So I went to the doctor and after many tests, they decided it was anxiety. Im not one to take medicine of any kind, so I went to therapy for about 6 months and learned how to manage my life living with this anxiety. A few years later I met my now husband and we moved to New York as he was in the military at the time and was stationed here. For about 15 years or so, my anxiety had seemed to be resolved. No real issues to speak of and if I thought anything was starting, it would quickly pass. Now almost 2 years ago, my husbands aunt had come to live with us as she was terminally ill. We had hospice coming in to check on her daily but for the most part I was caring for her while my husband was truck driving for weeks at a time. Once the doctor had given her less than a month, my husband came home to spend some time with her. On the morning of her death, I was with her sitting at her bedside. It was quite peaceful and considering I have always had that extreme fear of death, it really didn't seem too bad (other than the obvious). So within a few weeks I had decided to go to nursing school as I thought taking care of her was the most amazing and fulfilling thing I had ever done. One month into school and my anxiety reared its ugly head in a way that horrified me. I was on my way home from class, had gotten on the interstate and suddenly felt like something had pushed my head to the side .... I had thought it was an inner ear thing (and still may have been), but I couldn't gain control and all of a sudden I panicked.... I grabbed my phone to keep my husband on the phone with me while I drove the rest of the way home. Of course I noticed the closer I got to home the better I felt so I knew it was anxiety. Then within a week, I was quite literally horrified of EVERYTHING ! I couldn't drive, I couldn't go in public places, and as silly as it may sound, I couldn't even look at the woods behind my house . I thought I was going crazy and was going to be committed. I had never experienced anything like that before and I was truly scared. I went to the doctor as I do have palpitations also, and again after a boat load of tests, I was given the all clear , with the exception of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. That was a year ago ...... it is still a daily struggle , however its much better than it was. I went to therapy for a few months and went back on my Buspar which keeps me relatively calm. I am just hoping to find a way to push this anxiety down and keep it there ...... I need to get control of this because fear is an awful thing ..... especially when its a fear of what seems like everything. Whats strange is I work around hundreds of people every day, and the distraction seems to help a lot !! I appreciate a forum like this as when someone has this problem in their life, they really need to realize that they are not alone !!