Input please? I'm really worried.

[Ashley1019]

I'll start off by saying that I'm sorry that this is going to be so long - there's just so much to explain. I am a 22 year old female and I have never dealt with any anxiety or depression before so this is pretty scary for me. I'm naturally a very happy, upbeat person, but off and on for the past month, I have been slowly declining to the point I'm at now. It started suddenly one day and rapidly progressed the following day(s). I started feeling like I wasn't my normal self and from there became very sad and down because of it. The following 2 days, the feelings of not being myself intensified to where I questioned everything I said and did. I would say something, or do something, and I would automatically think to myself, "Did you just say/do that because that's how you were really feeling, or because you were just trying to act like your normal self?" Then that, of course, started making me question EVERYTHING I said/did. I would start to say something and I would stop myself before I could say it because my mind would tell me, "You're just trying to act like the normal you." I felt like I was faking it. Like everything I did wasn't genuine. Those feelings lasted for about 5 days and suddenly one day POOF! They were gone. I think they were still in the back of my mind, but they weren't nagging and at the forefront of my mind like they had been. I suddenly had the relief I had been looking for. I was SOOOO happy that those thoughts were gone. From there I was okay. Completely my normal, happy self again for about a week and just like it did the first time, the feeling came back. I honestly think that I was just uncomfortable with the fact that the thoughts/feelings appeared in the first place, so that's why they came back. Like they were unresolved or something. But the thoughts and feelings I started having the second time around were different. I started feeling as though I wasn't in love with my boyfriend anymore. My brain started tricking me into thinking that I was falling out of love with him. (Some background info: My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We grew up together and he is absolutely everything I could ever want and more. So to have these thoughts was incredibly scary.) Whenever I would start to have one of those thoughts, when I would be sitting next to him or whatever, I would say to myself, "Look over at the person you love and feel that love for him," and I would look over and it was like I didn't feel anything. But I knew I loved him. That's why it was so frustrating. At this point, I decided to make an appointment with a therapist. But before I could even get to the appointment with her, these thoughts and feelings, too, went away! But in their place came other thoughts, which I think stemmed from the thoughts I was having about not loving him anymore. I started to feel awkward around him. For no reason at all. It's like I would think about how it might be awkward the next time I saw him, and of course it was. All because I was thinking about it! Its like I would think to myself while I was driving to his house, "Oh God. It's going to feel awkward. I'm not going to be myself," and then it was. Those thoughts lasted for a few days and slowly subsided. During the few days that I had them, though, I was able to have times of relief. 15, 20 minutes would go by while we were together where I wasn't thinking/feeling those things, and everything would be fine. We would laugh and joke and be our normal selves together, but as soon as I would think about it, I would feel an awkwardness again. I knew I was doing it to myself. But like I mentioned, they went away just like the first wave of anxiety did. And also like the first time, I was perfectly fine for a little over a week. Then, last Tuesday, out of nowhere, I had a random thought (I can't even remember what it was now), but it sent me spiraling downward all over again. Since last Tuesday, I have made myself absolutely miserable. What I'm experiencing now is very similar to the thoughts I was having the first time around, but they NEVER go away. I'm constantly questioning every single thing I say/do. They're the same thoughts of, "Did you just say that because that's how you're really feeling, or just because you're trying to feel like your normal self by saying something the normal you would?" And I feel a lot of times like I have to actually think about what I'm going to say before I say it; they don't come naturally to me like they should. These thoughts are completely consuming me. For example, I walked into my house today and was about to say hi to my dog and I stopped myself because the voice in my head said, "You're only about to do that because that's something the normal you would do." I'm also having thoughts when I say/do something of, "Is that something the normal you would say/do?" It's like I'm losing my sense of self. And when I feel like the normal me is coming out, when I say something without having to think about it first, it's like I'm patting myself on the back. "Hey! You had a thought that you didn't have to think about first. It just came right out of your mouth and it wasn't pre-concieved. Good job!" But that is just as frustrating because even though it's something that wasn't pre-conceived, I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT IT! It still keeps me in the huge loop of things. I don't know who the normal me is anymore. My therapist isn't being much help, to be honest, so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor yesterday (who I trust more than my therapist because my whole family has been going to her for years), and she said that it's just simply anxiety; that I'm thinking these things because the anxiety is making me think them. So she started me on a very small dose (5 mg) of Lexapro. She wants me to cut the pills in half for the first 4 days, then start taking the full pill on the 5th day. I look the first one this morning and I don't feel anything (Obviously. It's only the first day.) But I'm and hoping and praying to God that this helps because I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's effecting my every day life. I've missed work twice in the past week because I just can't gather up the courage to put a smile on my face. So if anyone has any advice/input, PLEASE help. I'm pretty desperate at this point :( Thanks a lot!

[JustaGal]

I'll start off by saying that I'm sorry that this is going to be so long - there's just so much to explain. I am a 22 year old female and I have never dealt with any anxiety or depression before so this is pretty scary for me. I'm naturally a very happy, upbeat person, but off and on for the past month, I have been slowly declining to the point I'm at now. It started suddenly one day and rapidly progressed the following day(s). I started feeling like I wasn't my normal self and from there became very sad and down because of it. The following 2 days, the feelings of not being myself intensified to where I questioned everything I said and did. I would say something, or do something, and I would automatically think to myself, "Did you just say/do that because that's how you were really feeling, or because you were just trying to act like your normal self?" Then that, of course, started making me question EVERYTHING I said/did. I would start to say something and I would stop myself before I could say it because my mind would tell me, "You're just trying to act like the normal you." I felt like I was faking it. Like everything I did wasn't genuine. Those feelings lasted for about 5 days and suddenly one day POOF! They were gone. I think they were still in the back of my mind, but they weren't nagging and at the forefront of my mind like they had been. I suddenly had the relief I had been looking for. I was SOOOO happy that those thoughts were gone. From there I was okay. Completely my normal, happy self again for about a week and just like it did the first time, the feeling came back. I honestly think that I was just uncomfortable with the fact that the thoughts/feelings appeared in the first place, so that's why they came back. Like they were unresolved or something. But the thoughts and feelings I started having the second time around were different. I started feeling as though I wasn't in love with my boyfriend anymore. My brain started tricking me into thinking that I was falling out of love with him. (Some background info: My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We grew up together and he is absolutely everything I could ever want and more. So to have these thoughts was incredibly scary.) Whenever I would start to have one of those thoughts, when I would be sitting next to him or whatever, I would say to myself, "Look over at the person you love and feel that love for him," and I would look over and it was like I didn't feel anything. But I knew I loved him. That's why it was so frustrating. At this point, I decided to make an appointment with a therapist. But before I could even get to the appointment with her, these thoughts and feelings, too, went away! But in their place came other thoughts, which I think stemmed from the thoughts I was having about not loving him anymore. I started to feel awkward around him. For no reason at all. It's like I would think about how it might be awkward the next time I saw him, and of course it was. All because I was thinking about it! Its like I would think to myself while I was driving to his house, "Oh God. It's going to feel awkward. I'm not going to be myself," and then it was. Those thoughts lasted for a few days and slowly subsided. During the few days that I had them, though, I was able to have times of relief. 15, 20 minutes would go by while we were together where I wasn't thinking/feeling those things, and everything would be fine. We would laugh and joke and be our normal selves together, but as soon as I would think about it, I would feel an awkwardness again. I knew I was doing it to myself. But like I mentioned, they went away just like the first wave of anxiety did. And also like the first time, I was perfectly fine for a little over a week. Then, last Tuesday, out of nowhere, I had a random thought (I can't even remember what it was now), but it sent me spiraling downward all over again. Since last Tuesday, I have made myself absolutely miserable. What I'm experiencing now is very similar to the thoughts I was having the first time around, but they NEVER go away. I'm constantly questioning every single thing I say/do. They're the same thoughts of, "Did you just say that because that's how you're really feeling, or just because you're trying to feel like your normal self by saying something the normal you would?" And I feel a lot of times like I have to actually think about what I'm going to say before I say it; they don't come naturally to me like they should. These thoughts are completely consuming me. For example, I walked into my house today and was about to say hi to my dog and I stopped myself because the voice in my head said, "You're only about to do that because that's something the normal you would do." I'm also having thoughts when I say/do something of, "Is that something the normal you would say/do?" It's like I'm losing my sense of self. And when I feel like the normal me is coming out, when I say something without having to think about it first, it's like I'm patting myself on the back. "Hey! You had a thought that you didn't have to think about first. It just came right out of your mouth and it wasn't pre-concieved. Good job!" But that is just as frustrating because even though it's something that wasn't pre-conceived, I'M STILL THINKING ABOUT IT! It still keeps me in the huge loop of things. I don't know who the normal me is anymore. My therapist isn't being much help, to be honest, so I scheduled an appointment with my doctor yesterday (who I trust more than my therapist because my whole family has been going to her for years), and she said that it's just simply anxiety; that I'm thinking these things because the anxiety is making me think them. So she started me on a very small dose (5 mg) of Lexapro. She wants me to cut the pills in half for the first 4 days, then start taking the full pill on the 5th day. I look the first one this morning and I don't feel anything (Obviously. It's only the first day.) But I'm and hoping and praying to God that this helps because I don't know how much longer I can go on like this. It's effecting my every day life. I've missed work twice in the past week because I just can't gather up the courage to put a smile on my face. So if anyone has any advice/input, PLEASE help. I'm pretty desperate at this point :( Thanks a lot!

Hi Ashley, You will get better, I say that from experience. First dont put so much pressure on your self. I felt the same way coming to work, wondering what people would think about me, I could not smile and had no desire to try to fake it. I told myself I can not worry what people think about me right now. I am here to work and be pleasant, but I dont have to be upbeat all of the time. I would find another therapist too. Be kind to yourself while everything is being worked on. We are only human. : )

[gypsylee]

Hi Ashley,

Thanks for posting - I enjoyed reading this because I can relate so well to it. I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember (I'm 41) so it's not new to me but I can still drive myself crazy with thoughts like these!

Your doctor's right though - it is anxiety that causes these self-conscious thoughts. And it's a vicious circle because the thoughts make us even more anxious.

I'm on Lexapro atm as well (20mg) and it does seem to keep me on an even keel. It takes a while to work though so hang in there.

All the best,
Gypsy :)

[Ashley1019]

Thanks for the replies, guys. Everyone tells me I'll be myself again and that this will pass, but I guess it's just because of how hopeless I feel that I don't know if I will get better. Not that I'm going to give up on trying, because I'll do whatever I have to do to feel like myself again, but I just don't see how these thoughts can go away now that they're here. But thank you for the advice. I'll try to keep my head up :)

[Ryker]

Hi, welcome.

Frigging scary isn't it?

It's not a life sentence, you're not mad, you're normal.

I lift weights in the gym and get used to pressing 150Kg all day long, but if I tear a muscle I have no option but to put the weights down and relax and take it easy while it heals. I then have to think about getting ready for some physio and exercises when I'm healed enough to cope with them to get back into shape.

As anxiety sufferers we have to do exactly the same thing with our brain muscles. They snap, we have to learn to protect them while they heal, we have to learn how to handle the load properly so we don't have problems in the future and we have to learn the re-habilitation exercises to put things back into shape once the swelling and bruising and tenderness have gone down.

Sorry for the analogy, but it's the one I first grasped and I hope it helps.

Put your feet up and find some good books on anxiety and start to learn what causes it and how to cope with it. You'll be fine, and better than that by the time you've finished you'll be a better person because you'll have mastered the controls of that awesome brain of yours.

Feet up - Go!

R.

[JustaGal]

Thanks for the replies, guys. Everyone tells me I'll be myself again and that this will pass, but I guess it's just because of how hopeless I feel that I don't know if I will get better. Not that I'm going to give up on trying, because I'll do whatever I have to do to feel like myself again, but I just don't see how these thoughts can go away now that they're here. But thank you for the advice. I'll try to keep my head up :)

I know it sounds cliche to hear it will get better, I was worried for myself too

[JustaGal]

Hi, welcome.

Frigging scary isn't it?

It's not a life sentence, you're not mad, you're normal.

I lift weights in the gym and get used to pressing 150Kg all day long, but if I tear a muscle I have no option but to put the weights down and relax and take it easy while it heals. I then have to think about getting ready for some physio and exercises when I'm healed enough to cope with them to get back into shape.

As anxiety sufferers we have to do exactly the same thing with our brain muscles. They snap, we have to learn to protect them while they heal, we have to learn how to handle the load properly so we don't have problems in the future and we have to learn the re-habilitation exercises to put things back into shape once the swelling and bruising and tenderness have gone down.

Sorry for the analogy, but it's the one I first grasped and I hope it helps.

Put your feet up and find some good books on anxiety and start to learn what causes it and how to cope with it. You'll be fine, and better than that by the time you've finished you'll be a better person because you'll have mastered the controls of that awesome brain of yours.

Feet up - Go!

R.

Good analogy.... I was thinking today I have to be careful not to go on stress over load again...

[Ryker]

We have to look after ourselves.

For years and years I would beat myself up for not reaching my own standards. I'd hate myself if I failed to to the work of 5 people and wouldn't accept that it'd be ok just to do the work of 3 occasionally.

It'd end up in the inevitable crisis not believing I was worthy of the air I was breathing. Stupid thoughts. Stupid everything.

it's a nasty cycle. We over-do it, we get stressed, we experience anxiety, our brain helpfully churns out a big list of things we may like to be anxious about, we allow ourselves to be drawn into those thoughts, become more anxious and so on.

I was taught that I should learn the art of examining thoughts as a bystander.

Examine them as you might a troupe of soldiers marching past. Smell their boot leather, listen to the footsteps, observe the weapons, and watch them as they march off into the distance.

They will only stop if you invite them home for tea. Don't do it.

:) be good. You're fine.

[Ashley1019]

I would also like to know if anyone out there has had thoughts/feelings similar to mine. When I've talked to both my therapist and doctor about the thoughts, and asked whether either of them had had anyone express thoughts like mine before, they both sort of gave me the same answer - that no, they hadn't particularly heard of anyone having the same nagging thoughts as me, but they have had patients who have had nagging thoughts that won't go away. But not like mine. I guess I just feel alone in a way because I can't really find anything online about these thoughts I'm having. It obviously makes me feel crazy because if nobody else has thoughts like these, then something is definitely wrong with me.

[Ryker]

Hi Ashley,

Your dodgy thoughts are custom-made, premium grade A, pure first-press extra-virgin scary thoughts, made just for you by your devious brain! Your brain knows what will scare you, it wants to scare you, and it WILL scare you. If you let it.

Your anxiety creates adrenalin and the false 'fight or flight' reflex you've inherited from your animal ancestors - this is interpreted by your 'old brain' as something really nasty happening and it churns out the darkest thoughts it can so you can see if it's that that is happening.

The minute you invite these thoughts home for tea, you're screwed. Like I said before, observe the thoughts, get to see what they are by all means but let them go. That 'troupe of soldiers' is NOT REAL, you can't ask others if they've seen or experienced things that are not real! Thoughts are thoughts, reality is reality.

Let the thoughts go. With them your anxiety will go too.

R.