Lilac
10-26-2014, 12:55 PM
Hi everyone! It has been a while since my last visit here (sorry for replying some of you), because... well, in fact, I am doing quite good. Just saying it actually makes me anxious though, because somehow I believe I am jinxing my life by saying I am doing GOOD! I am proud of myself and my efforts. I have been doing well in therapy, and my therapist is pleased and says he is proud of me. My ALS anxiety is long gone, and I have not started on a new self-destructive path. This is particularly scary to the self-destructive part of my brain: because what am I going to do now? Who am I? Where do I belong? You see, I have always had some issues, something to dwell on, worry about, being anxious about, being family, friends, boyfriend, studies, work, my health, and especially my looks and personality. If I manage to overcome one issue, I jump to a new one. I have never believed I can be truly happy, because of this pattern, or way of living. I have always lived my life struggling with one thing or another. Never gone through life without a single worry. Now, I am doing that. Well, I do have worries, like any normal human being, but nothing is self destructive. So my brain is kind of confused, and yes, anxious about that. So I guess I still am struggling with anxiety. It is just that I have started observing my pattern and way of thinking, and it has given me a whole new relationship with my other half (the self destructive, perfectionist part of me) and my thoughts. I don't buy them, don't believe in them. But I don't fight them either. I let them come, and let them go. I don't pick them up, don't believe in them. They appear like any other thought and impression, and then they disappear into the crowd of other thoughts. I don't nurture them. I say: "Oh well, so I have ALS again then... Alright". I have gained control. I might get upset an sad, anxious, every once in a while. But I have found techniques to break out of that vicious circle before it takes over my life.
My ALS fear this summer almost took over my life. Of everything I have been struggling with (bulimia, self harm, my extreme self hate) this was definitely the worst. I cannot even begin to describe the horror. I thought I would never get out of it. I thought I was going to die. At one point I wanted to die. I wanted to die on my own terms, instead of being slowly trapped in my own body until I take my last breath. I wanted to give up my family, friends and fiancé; why keep them in my life when I am having a terminal disease anyway? What was the point of looking forward to my vacation to Belgium in November; I would probably have lost my ability to walk or lift my arms by then. Why finish my masters degree, I have no use for education now. I spent hours and hours in front of the mirror feeling my body, looking for atrophy. I spent several evenings lying on the floor screaming and crying in fear. I took several hundreds of pictures of my arms, hands and legs every week, to compare and see if I had any visible muscle atrophy. I could not read about ALS, not see people with ALS, not hear about it. Yet, it was all I could think about. All I wanted to talk about. I started feeling weak. I kind of existed, but was not ALIVE. My mental health was dead. I was not in the present. I saw people talking to me, but did not listen. I had no feelings left, except for anxiousness. I have been to seven different doctors (including two specialists in neurology, who did an EMG and found nothing) probably around 20 times this summer.
Then I reached a point. I don't know how or when. But I could not do it anymore. I had no energy left. I started at the University again, and it was time to start writing my master thesis. My education means everything to me. I identify the good part of myself with my studies. It is something I am good at, something I can manage! I managed to shift my focus towards my studies again. I don't know if that - or the fact that I started taking more potassium, magnesium and calcium to ease the muscle twitches, which were the catalyst of my ALS-fear to begin with - helped me overcome my fear, but it became easier and easier. I slept better, and the twitches became better. I still have them every once in a while, but I have accepted that I just have them. Some people are suffering from muscle twitches every second of every day (which I don't) for no particular reason at all. I am healthy, there is no pathological reason for their occurence. My doctor told me that I just have to accept that I might have something too for no reason at all. ALS creeps up on me sometimes, but does not gain control of my life anymore. By saying this I feel like I am jinxing it though.
So, I am proud. Because I thought I was going to die. If not from ALS, then from my anxiety. My brain almost shut down my body, to the point where I could not feel anything anymore. No I am well into my master thesis, and have been granted a scholarship from the research institute in which I already work. I feel like I am back on track. But I am afraid that something is waiting for me. Because being self destructive means that I am prepared for disasters. I always think a disaster is waiting for me. By living my life like any (relatively) "normal" human being without any significant worries, I am scared that something indeed will happen. Like I will get ALS now. Or lose my scholarship.
So I am not cured, nor do I think I will ever be. And that is not the goal either. I am who I am, and that is okay. Like my therapist says, I will always be analytical. My brain will (probably) always look for new things to dwell on. What I need to do is gaining control. And by accepting the arrival of the bad thoughts, without believing OR fighting them off, I have control. Being critical. Observing myself.
I will strongly suggest this for the rest of you. The technique sounds simple, but it is far from it. But if you master the craft, you will see yourself and whatever condition you have in a completely different way. Accept the thoughts, be critical, gain control.
I hope it is safe to say that I am proud of myself. And I live for the present.
And by the way, I have an oral examination tomorrow (presenting an assignment, which I am NOT nervous about). Wish me luck! :D
My ALS fear this summer almost took over my life. Of everything I have been struggling with (bulimia, self harm, my extreme self hate) this was definitely the worst. I cannot even begin to describe the horror. I thought I would never get out of it. I thought I was going to die. At one point I wanted to die. I wanted to die on my own terms, instead of being slowly trapped in my own body until I take my last breath. I wanted to give up my family, friends and fiancé; why keep them in my life when I am having a terminal disease anyway? What was the point of looking forward to my vacation to Belgium in November; I would probably have lost my ability to walk or lift my arms by then. Why finish my masters degree, I have no use for education now. I spent hours and hours in front of the mirror feeling my body, looking for atrophy. I spent several evenings lying on the floor screaming and crying in fear. I took several hundreds of pictures of my arms, hands and legs every week, to compare and see if I had any visible muscle atrophy. I could not read about ALS, not see people with ALS, not hear about it. Yet, it was all I could think about. All I wanted to talk about. I started feeling weak. I kind of existed, but was not ALIVE. My mental health was dead. I was not in the present. I saw people talking to me, but did not listen. I had no feelings left, except for anxiousness. I have been to seven different doctors (including two specialists in neurology, who did an EMG and found nothing) probably around 20 times this summer.
Then I reached a point. I don't know how or when. But I could not do it anymore. I had no energy left. I started at the University again, and it was time to start writing my master thesis. My education means everything to me. I identify the good part of myself with my studies. It is something I am good at, something I can manage! I managed to shift my focus towards my studies again. I don't know if that - or the fact that I started taking more potassium, magnesium and calcium to ease the muscle twitches, which were the catalyst of my ALS-fear to begin with - helped me overcome my fear, but it became easier and easier. I slept better, and the twitches became better. I still have them every once in a while, but I have accepted that I just have them. Some people are suffering from muscle twitches every second of every day (which I don't) for no particular reason at all. I am healthy, there is no pathological reason for their occurence. My doctor told me that I just have to accept that I might have something too for no reason at all. ALS creeps up on me sometimes, but does not gain control of my life anymore. By saying this I feel like I am jinxing it though.
So, I am proud. Because I thought I was going to die. If not from ALS, then from my anxiety. My brain almost shut down my body, to the point where I could not feel anything anymore. No I am well into my master thesis, and have been granted a scholarship from the research institute in which I already work. I feel like I am back on track. But I am afraid that something is waiting for me. Because being self destructive means that I am prepared for disasters. I always think a disaster is waiting for me. By living my life like any (relatively) "normal" human being without any significant worries, I am scared that something indeed will happen. Like I will get ALS now. Or lose my scholarship.
So I am not cured, nor do I think I will ever be. And that is not the goal either. I am who I am, and that is okay. Like my therapist says, I will always be analytical. My brain will (probably) always look for new things to dwell on. What I need to do is gaining control. And by accepting the arrival of the bad thoughts, without believing OR fighting them off, I have control. Being critical. Observing myself.
I will strongly suggest this for the rest of you. The technique sounds simple, but it is far from it. But if you master the craft, you will see yourself and whatever condition you have in a completely different way. Accept the thoughts, be critical, gain control.
I hope it is safe to say that I am proud of myself. And I live for the present.
And by the way, I have an oral examination tomorrow (presenting an assignment, which I am NOT nervous about). Wish me luck! :D