Feeling alone and spacey today

[1Bluerose68]

I hate being alone.

I prefer to be around familiars whom I am comfortable with.

I like to work independently at home.

But I miss my family very much.

I feel so sad for how some older people, just after their retirement from work, become ill.

Then , just when life should be great as they no longer are slaving at work to pay the mortgage or rent, instead they become ill.

This is just such a sad irony.

My friends mom worked her entire life as a nurse.

When she finally retired her eyes became diseased with glaucoma.

Then she had an eye surgery but you know medicare???

She never recovered from the surgery and totally lost her vision.

Before she retired the lady played tennis every time she had a chance.

Now she can only sit and Listen to a tv or radio.

It's just so sad.

I feel so bad for her, she was a really hard working parent and is still alive but can't enjoy all the finer things in life now that she has lost her vision.

It's not quite the same as being born blind, or even losing vision early in life.

She used her eyes all through life.

And when it was her turn to Enjoy her retirement she was given a burden of blindness in later adulthood.

Fortunately my former best friend was trained in H.S ROP to be a CNA.

So the family has at least someone there to always help out the mom, who must totally now depend upon her former dependent daughter.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to see, even though my eyes are still disabled.

I see enough to survive w/o depending upon someone to lead my way.

I must be strong and be in charge as i have no one.

Therefore God has allowed me to survive thus far in life.

Amen. T Amen.

[1Bluerose68]

Most of them have passed away.

I have 2 very distant relatives that still are among the living.

Otherwise, we are like The Romanov's???

Both of my parent's kind of died rather dramatically and right before my very eyes.

I was with dad the day he died.

I called 911, the "Medics" arrived w/in record time and proceeded to squish him to death with a peculiar machine that compressed his chest all while cracking his every rib and causing internal injuries beyond repair. He later bled to death in the ER.Why couldn't the men have just done CPR the old fashioned way. Dad was a frail old senior. Those machines are ok on big men, or normally healthy and strong boned persons, but frail, very old and the very young should NOT have the compressor machine used on them. Dad might have survived otherwise. I had called 911 IMMEDIATELY.....There was NO DELAY from the time he collapsed to the time I called 911.Now when I hear sirens my entire body aches and I have flashbacks of my dad suffering from the compressor machine. I would rather human hands on my chest, no machine shall touch my chest if I could help it. I personally feel it was a case of compressor use discrimination. Would you have used that machine on a Rockefeller?Probly NOT!!!

I saw my mother the very night before she died.

She even yelled hysterically as if in a state of rage, and right before my very eyes.

As if she were experiencing an exorcism or some sort of seizure, right in front of where I sat with her?

My dad was chatting, meanwhile in the hospital Kitchen with the dietary aide?

Not sure why, but He was???

So mom screamed for him, and screamed his name so loudly I thought that I was going to have a heart attack 1st...

We also had alerted the staff nurse or Dr about her badly swollen hand, and they poo poo anything that I even said.

But mocked me and said to me on the last night I ever saw my mom alive.

The staff Nurse took my moms hand in examining it, and mockingly said,"Well, she's certainly got a pulse!"

But I believe mom had a very bad staff infection in her hand from a spider bite or a needle stab and they failed to send my mom to the ER that very day that the nurse mocked moms hand in lieu of the latter choice to save mom.

I think they could have done an anti-bio-tic drip and catheterized her of the excess H2O in her system too.

They did NOTHING to help my middle class parent, who lay rotting there in the damn KPAK hospital before my very eyes.

I had a complex after that!!

I don't like to be near ill people for if I suspect something, then I just may be Right.

It's scary being Right , sometimes!!!

[Dahila]

Why do you think she lives with her brothers. I could not find anything about the brother. Hm Romanovs yeah is about passing away one after another one, it is about bad blood eh
Blue I think it is awful what happened

[1Bluerose68]

Someone gets it! I really feel that to a certain extent (Stent) the deaths of my parents, my ex boyfriend, my former ex best girl friend and of my 1st cousins were all somehow not natural. But , I can't prove it.....Its about power to cover up, and cover their own butt-ox-'s., and, or some really deep , dark, old , black magic and greed.........!!

[Enduronman]

You, of every soul I've seen in 6 months on this board, excluding the 2 or 3 who came and went with a genuine suicide plea, are at the top - #1, who would benefit from extensive therapy. Get yourself on the phone and book an appointment for counciling, and stay with it, and show up without the mask.

Get some medications to help you to stabilize too.
Wishing you well Blue.

E-Man :)

[Im-Suffering]

I removed the post because it was too harsh. A small glimpse was caught for eternity above. The spirit guides were getting a tad frustrated haha :)

Know that the people who have passed bluerose are still very much rooting for you. They want you to be the one that wins in this life. To win is to break the streak of sadness and depression, despondency which overwhelmed so many of them going back much further than you can count.

You can win. Since your first post I have been with you because they wanted to get messages through.

I will stay with you, ever giving that nudge, that things can and will be ok.

No one dies against their will, or 'before their time', often the will to live is lost and so that soul begins to contemplate a new life, and it is their free choice to start over again changing the course of probabilities. The only family 'curse' is one of misunderstandings and faulty judgments leading to hopelessness without power to change. Which in itself is a damaging false belief.

You can change that cycle. Keep up with therapy no matter how many of them you go through, instead of thinking, 'I will lose this one too and have to start over", you must say " I know my perfect therapist is close by, and I will find them soon". Soul mates are not only lovers or companions, but those whom you meet that lighten the way (burdens), or ... enlighten you. You can find a soul mate 'therapist', you see. The butcher that smiles at you every day, and sends peace to you with kind remarks. You think life has no rhyme or reason?

See ya Rose, we will be in the 'wings' celebrating triumphs with you.

[Dahila]

Blue you have a lot on you. You need the meds, and the therapy and meditation. The wise old woman say that spirit of the passed ones stays with us as long as we need it. I do not believe in voodoo or black magic , but I believe in energies. We change them into bad ones , so positive thinking, keeping yourself in the "light" Should help!! We do create our life even if in small areas. You are a tad bit psychotic and you need the meds. Therapy helps but it is not enough:)) good luck blue, your are dealing with a lot of issues, start to take care of yourself. I do believe posting here help you somehow but it does not solve the problems.

[1Bluerose68]

Gee thanks for the insightful wisdom of an Ancient Chieftain or Shamanic Healer???

[1Bluerose68]

I feel OK, I just miss my family. I don't need any "Stabilizers" except a therapist who doesn't open me up only to later abandon me w/o warning at the least during our last therapy face to face session. He sure was good at giving me a nice big bear hug at the end of each session when I Really just wanted to run out his door and not look back, sensing some form of aloofness as his true genuine style. I already use a SAD pill daily . Its for smokers and Seasonal Affective Disorder. I don't want to go higher on the rx as it tends to turn me into a sharp and edgy bitch. So I am on 1/2 of my summer dose and feeling a bit like my energy is dragging but better than feeling edgy. I also drink coffee, like the last therapist---he drinks it ALL Day and night too. And I take a herbal supplement to help curb thee old appetite as well. But otherwise, I like me, and I dont need any stabilizers. If I were any more stable they would have to freeze me and keep me as a dry frozen collectible dolly. I cant be any slower than this!!!I have always written in a wordy fashion. Some of my words are like songs even, or the lyrics to a song. Not all are the happiest of lyrics, but im NOT always happy either. So what....

[1Bluerose68]

I removed the post because it was too harsh. A small glimpse was caught for eternity above. The spirit guides were getting a tad frustrated haha :)

Know that the people who have passed bluerose are still very much rooting for you. They want you to be the one that wins in this life. To win is to break the streak of sadness and depression, despondency which overwhelmed so many of them going back much further than you can count.

You can win. Since your first post I have been with you because they wanted to get messages through.

I will stay with you, ever giving that nudge, that things can and will be ok.

No one dies against their will, or 'before their time', often the will to live is lost and so that soul begins to contemplate a new life, and it is their free choice to start over again changing the course of probabilities. The only family 'curse' is one of misunderstandings and faulty judgments leading to hopelessness without power to change. Which in itself is a damaging false belief.

You can change that cycle. Keep up with therapy no matter how many of them you go through, instead of thinking, 'I will lose this one too and have to start over", you must say " I know my perfect therapist is close by, and I will find them soon". Soul mates are not only lovers or companions, but those whom you meet that lighten the way (burdens), or ... enlighten you. You can find a soul mate 'therapist', you see. The butcher that smiles at you every day, and sends peace to you with kind remarks. You think life has no rhyme or reason?

See ya Rose, we will be in the 'wings' celebrating triumphs with you.

"Like hell ye did!!!" What am i in Cuban territory NOW???Bad enough my old High School wouldn't allow me, entering as a former Honor Student, to take any OTHER Foreign Language except SPANISH!!!!!Meanwhile, I had many relatives in Europe, on moms side that spoke Germanic languages. But all dads friends kids got to take French or German. Call that a FAIR CATHOLIC H.S. EDUCATION!! It's called DISCRIMINATION!! and fortunately I had the opportunately while attending H.S. to be enrolled in an Art/Ceramics Class with an Excellent Art Teacher who really did help me to vent my stressors via ceramic sculpture medium. And my brilliance still shined through like a monkey who had just eaten far too many MnM candies, with Diet Pepsi prior to class. And boy did I create Original Pieces of Art w/o fancy words or accents. We were simple folk at home, though mom had all the foreign accents and dad the "Masonic Cement Thumb" to prove his brilliance too...We were blue collar all the way, and that's OK too.....Work is what saved us, hard work!!

[1Bluerose68]

Oh go light up a Bob Marley and choke on it while your "Stabilizing" you quick and rapid fire action of Labeling me as in need of Stabilizers. I don't do drugs, especially thorazine, or any zines. I drink coffee and need lots of energy to go to work, and come home and clean house, and still manage to have time to workout at the gym or at least exercise round the gym while they are Renovating.....,.So I miss the gym but NOT the dust and asbestos flying around there as they renovate, and make me Extra Nervous....

[Dahila]

Blue I like your sense of humor but you are in denial. Or there is possibility that you playing us. It the last is the case, be you, I will not post here anymore. Your irony kiddo is lost on me. When you have short time to go you will know a lot of things they do not make any sense to you . Have a good life :))