1Bluerose68
10-06-2014, 05:46 PM
I went to the city where my XBF and i used to hmung out
I went to our favorite, century old bakery.
We use to purchase yummies there for special occasions.
I looked at many yummies, I began drooling, not sure if it was the heat or the sweet sufferings which I was starring at.
I ordered a wedding cake with ritual designs that reminded me of the past.
I went back, way the heck B-A-C-K, college years back.....
I picked up my(our) cake.
I drove to a special place that was very meaningful to me .
A place of zero anxiety.
A cool, dark, forest.
I hiked to a area not so visible to everyone else.
I sat down with my wedding cake and put out 2 place mats.
1 for my dead X and 1 for me.
Then I sliced the cake into 1/2.
I ate a 1/2 of the cake.
I hate to pollute , but I left his half there.
It is still there in a hidden spot in my cool, precious, and majestic lil forest .
A place we both hiked at many times together.
We even had a car accident in that area 1x.
Now I am back at home and coming down from a sugar high.
My tummy is so bloated, and I am very anxious of gaining any weight now, after this Super Binge.
Kind of like,"The last Supper."
Only a perverse version, my ex is dead.
He took his life in 2004.
His mom didn't even tell me until 3 months after .
I was not invited to his scattering of the ashes.
And my Holiday vacation and fantasies of what ever would become of my X Boyfriend were ruined forever!!!
I miss him.
I wish he would have loved me more, and never have broken off our "Secret Engagement."
No one knew we were planning to get married.
So he later went out with his buddies and they thought 0 of me being left at home w/o him.
He would come home semi drunk, and smelling of ciggs and liquor.
I prayed that couples counseling would help us.
It failed us.
He broke up with me.
10 yrs after that is when his mama said that he had "Taken" his own life.
I will NEVER know the TRUTH.
And it hurts, just like my stomach now aches, and the sweet sugar gnaws away at my teeth and my mouth is in pain from gorging myself on pseudo wedding cake.
This is not "Act II, take II."
No, it was true.
And of course I @ times feel blue.
And am left by myself with a case of Agoraphobia and social anxiety too.
But at least he didn't take me with him, too.
He was my 1st and my last BF/BF/lover/fighting partner/tutor/hiking partner/co-pilot,etc.......
Amen Lord, AMEN.......
Sincerely,
1Bluerose68
I went to our favorite, century old bakery.
We use to purchase yummies there for special occasions.
I looked at many yummies, I began drooling, not sure if it was the heat or the sweet sufferings which I was starring at.
I ordered a wedding cake with ritual designs that reminded me of the past.
I went back, way the heck B-A-C-K, college years back.....
I picked up my(our) cake.
I drove to a special place that was very meaningful to me .
A place of zero anxiety.
A cool, dark, forest.
I hiked to a area not so visible to everyone else.
I sat down with my wedding cake and put out 2 place mats.
1 for my dead X and 1 for me.
Then I sliced the cake into 1/2.
I ate a 1/2 of the cake.
I hate to pollute , but I left his half there.
It is still there in a hidden spot in my cool, precious, and majestic lil forest .
A place we both hiked at many times together.
We even had a car accident in that area 1x.
Now I am back at home and coming down from a sugar high.
My tummy is so bloated, and I am very anxious of gaining any weight now, after this Super Binge.
Kind of like,"The last Supper."
Only a perverse version, my ex is dead.
He took his life in 2004.
His mom didn't even tell me until 3 months after .
I was not invited to his scattering of the ashes.
And my Holiday vacation and fantasies of what ever would become of my X Boyfriend were ruined forever!!!
I miss him.
I wish he would have loved me more, and never have broken off our "Secret Engagement."
No one knew we were planning to get married.
So he later went out with his buddies and they thought 0 of me being left at home w/o him.
He would come home semi drunk, and smelling of ciggs and liquor.
I prayed that couples counseling would help us.
It failed us.
He broke up with me.
10 yrs after that is when his mama said that he had "Taken" his own life.
I will NEVER know the TRUTH.
And it hurts, just like my stomach now aches, and the sweet sugar gnaws away at my teeth and my mouth is in pain from gorging myself on pseudo wedding cake.
This is not "Act II, take II."
No, it was true.
And of course I @ times feel blue.
And am left by myself with a case of Agoraphobia and social anxiety too.
But at least he didn't take me with him, too.
He was my 1st and my last BF/BF/lover/fighting partner/tutor/hiking partner/co-pilot,etc.......
Amen Lord, AMEN.......
Sincerely,
1Bluerose68