need relationship advice...

[brittany32888]

So.. marriage has been an issue for a while, I usually try to put it out of my mind, but recently my so-called-fiance has been on this really tv wedding kick lately, so it's been harder.
I'll start with a brief history to better explain my situation.
When I met my bf, he was damaged goods. He had one horrible marriage, followed by an equally horrible live-in relationship. So in the beginning, he pretty much put it on the table that he wasn't interested in marrying again, I was ok with that because I wasn't really interested either, had my own share of baggage.
So fast forward a couple of years, he causally brought up marriage up himself, and also mentioned trying to have a child. And of course as the smitten girl I was, I got off of birth control right away, and got pregnant(to our surprise) almost immediately. Then a month before my due date, he proposed to me, at church nonetheless, in front of everyone. It all seemed pretty legitimate. We talked about weddings, both decided it would be after I gave birth. He said (and I quote) "it would be cool to see him(our then unborn son) stumbling down the aisle." That would mean toddler age right? He later decided that we should wait a few years because he has bad credit and didn't want it to affect mine.
Well eventually the wedding/marriage conversations stopped.
He then started getting somewhat obsessed with not having to rely on the government for anything, and wanting to work toward getting of the grid and so forth, which I agree with. But then marriage was again brought up, a certificate given by the government as proof that you are legally bound. He says that he doesn't need a piece of paper to tell him that we are married. Which I also agree, but I look at it a little differently I suppose. I've tried to explain to him how I feel, can't seem to get through. I'm mostly upset because I feel him proposing to me, is making that commitment that we will marry me. I feel dumped yet still in the relationship. So after several unsuccessful conversations about it, he had gone away for a week for work, so I took the opportunity to tell him everything I felt about the situation, he surprisingly seemed receptive and agreed that we should get married because it's important to me.
Well here we are over 4 months later, and it's like that conversation never happened. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't want to get married right away, but I just want to know if we ever will. I want to know what to do with these emotions? I feel like in every phase of our relationship he's had an excuse, and I now realize that even though the excuses have always changed, one thing hasn't. He's lack of commitment to marriage. I know that marriage isn't necessary, and before I was very open to not ever doing it. It didn't bother me when I felt like the reason wasn't my fault. But now you can't tell me that a man proposes to a woman and just changes his mind. What the hell? I try not to be that nagging woman that manipulates to get what I want and use ultimatums. But this is seriously frustrating. I have invested my whole being into this man. How can you have a child with someone that you wouldn't be willing to marry? I feel like he proposed before he got to know me well enough, and realized I'm not worth the effort. He still insists on referring to me as his fiance, but i think it's bullshit. I asked him why when he has no intention of marrying me. Should his unwillingness to marry affect our relationship? Should I be questioning things now? I feel like I'm in this never-ending limbo. I just need someone to relate to, someone that knows what I should do, or if I'm making things worse??
Please forgive the messiness of this post, but I'm venting. :(

[Im-Suffering]

I just need someone to relate to, someone that knows what I should do, or if I'm making things worse??
Please forgive the messiness of this post, but I'm venting. :(

Let's have a chat with the inner you, a soul-chat, and see what spirit says:

Where is your value? You begin to realize in life at some point it's not about them. It's about you. Where have you gone? You must ask yourself as you fall apart because of another. "Where have I gone"? How did I lose my self in this, accepting what is beneath me, accepting a lie, not seeing clearly what was always before me, even as I knew inside the truth. "should I allow another to dictate my worth?" "Should I allow my child into this type of atmosphere of resentment, discontent, and unfulfilling?" "Do I want my child to follow this example and have a life filled with shame, low self esteem, and be directed by the fleeting emotions and wants of another?"

"Or do I teach my child to see his/her truth, and make decisions firmly based on his/her highest regards for self, valued, esteemed, graceful and worthy of joy, complete happiness" "if I should want to set that exAmple than I better get a move on my emotions, my value, and make firm decisions based on my best interests, not anyone else no matter who they are"

"I will learn to speak my truth, no matter the consequences, because my truth is who I am, I cannot know who I am as a mother or wife if I should base my decisions and my life around another. Especially if that other is a child in a mans body, who's decisions are unclear himself, and suffers from the same esteem issues and uncertainties" "that is a man who cannot trust, and has little faith, and a weak constitution, and this also I do not want my child to learn, that relationships are painful, uncertain, mistrustful, insecure, uncommitted, flippant"

"I will gather myself up, and resolve my beliefs, my baggage, my restlessness, my emotions, to heal my life, my thoughts, my expression, my power, and once I am whole and clear, then things will fall into place, with this man or the next"

"I understand my anxiety is based on false assumptions about who I am, and my self doubts, worry, and should I reverse those thoughts, feelings, and be a decision maker, a powerful woman, I will also rid myself of much of my stress" "these things are reasonable to me, and they sound right"

I must teach my child these things, and set examples for a life of joy and not suffering"