Felt anxious about my car so went to see the mechanic.

[1Bluerose68]

As it turned out my car seemed to drive all the way over there quite well. So I sat and breathed and then drove back out of the service station.

Then I went to the mall and did a girly thing, I got my face waxed and then went to look at the scary costume shop at the mall. Its quite good. I saw this cute lil girly doll w/o any eye balls , and she was kind of standing in the way of shoppers, and looked lonely and displaced and terribly blind due to no eyes. So I lifted her up and said,"Hello Dolly." Then I placed her caring in the area where all the other Gothic opposite of The Nativity Characters were placed. She was then behind a fence and didn't seem to appear so lonely. I'm gonna go there 1 x per week on weekends to flood myself w/ the Spirit of the Halloween upon us so soon.

Then I shopped at Ross and put an end together for the store, just for fun. I picked these urban city River Dance troop like outfit dance type dresses and placed them at the end of the round thing for arranged outfits. I looked in 3 different clothing racks and brought these dresses all together. They looked great if a clique of girly girls were ever thinking of cute outfit to all wear the same day to dance class or school in general too.

Then I felt exhausted and came home to rest finally. Went for my walk few hours later too. While eating my Mac n Cheese I felt as though I was gonna choke, or food was poisoned. I get reflux and panic that its the food not me.But I think its really me.


Oh well, please pray for me to be less anxious and to become The strong woman whom mom wanted me to be someday.

Now I'm planning my bills to pay and checking what jobs to work during this upcoming week.



Sincerely,
1Bluerose68

[Im-Suffering]

Oh well, please pray for me to be less anxious and to become The strong woman whom mom wanted me to be someday.

Sincerely,
1Bluerose68

Sweet story, cute spirit. Hampered and weighed down, repressed by the woman who was your caretaker, and to a lesser extent, some others. Here we have the prime influence in your life, the one who instilled your false beliefs about you, and the reason for the anxiety in your body and mind. The only sentence that matters is the one in the quote.

Be the woman you want to be, which was in large part the cutie pie at the mall. The glorious, light, playful soul. Not the weighted down, controlled, conditioned, judged, criticized, unhappy, repressed spirit you turn into under the lofty expectations of the caregiver.

The sooner you turn around, the better. For you can never have the life you planned for yourself, the joy, if you are being someone else, because of someone else. Most likely this message will pass you by, given no mind, because you are so conditioned. It doesn't really matter, someday when your life peaks in the fear, you will snap out of the fog. Awareness is the key word in your life.

A little surprise awaits the woman who conquers this challenge, do you want the gift?

[1Bluerose68]

Believe it or NOT, I lost my great eye vision when I was 4.5 yrs old and balancing myself while doing dip walks across a ,"Rusty Red" painted wall.

This was while my dad was gardening in the back. I slipped n fell on my lower jaw and hit my nose, and forehead too. I don't recall what happened after I fell.

I have a blank memory to anything before the age of 5. Except rainy days in AM kindergarten class. I had 1 memory of sitting at the front church alter steps. This was at at an earlier age, like 3.0 yrs old.

I recall that my dad poked my eye with something sharp. Not sure why but it was in a church right at the stairs, I was sitting and saw that my tears were bloody. That is the only memory I had. But my vision was great for another 1.5 yrs.

I saw a photo where shortly before I fell, I was pointing to myself w/ my fingers pointed like a gun. I will NEVER know what this was all about. But I see that I was quite a sharp little girl who picked up on cues and non verbals quite quickly before I hit my head and my lil personality was sort of altered, or lobotomized clinically even???___

That was the beginning of a new persona for me. By age 7 I was tall, thin, witty and strong. Then a girl ran in front of me. I told her to, "Stop!!" I saw that the glass on the door, same school where I had my eye poked and it bled. I saw that for the speed she was running and the proximity of the ,"Safety Glass" was way too near to her.

She refused to LISTEN and RESPECT my small voice. Then BOOM!!! Both her arms went right through the school front door at St.Leo's Catholic Elementary School. I ran with the girls. There were 2 african american girls, and they tried to TEACH ME me how to play tag. Or set me up to look VIOLENT ???!!!??? But, REALLY , I wore special shoes at the time so I couldnt REALLY run very fast.

Mom didn't allow me to participate in running games like ball, racing, or soccer, or especially TAG...(Her)...

After we ran to their duplex, right across the street from St.Leo's, the rest is a BLANK in my life. To this day I don't know if she lived or died. I had a nightmare of a black man in there with a huge syringe about to place it into my arm. Then I woke up from a nightmare about 10 yrs ago?

What makes me the most upset is that the rectory was right next door to us playing tag, and not 1 adult came out to tell us to stop it. I cant believe not 1 person from the church was NOT in there???

But by the Following year after that I had gained a lot of weight and had very low self esteem because I had NEVER been so fat and unhealthy looking for myself.

I had to wear "Pig Tails" in my hair, and was a very lonely lil 8 y/o girl who was expected to automatically be a 'Mother's Helper" once my lil bro was born when I was 4.0, right before my fall induced lobotomy.

See the painted wall was wet in 1 tiny area. That wall I had paced so many times before, I could walk it w/ eyes closed. But that time, when I fell , it felt like some sort of pool of slime was on a very tiny area where I slipped and fell. Slowing me down to the speed of a snail, until age 7 where that emotional trauma slowed me down, until our family moved the very next year.

Joining a swim club that catered to kids, and a swim team with an Excellent swim coach saved my life, and my self esteem and gave me discipline and a hope for the future. That was great for me until I was 17 yrs old or so?Then I attended college and got my 1st job where I felt happy working in an occupation that I had always wanted to work in, helping to supervise, and teach children.

[happylife]

I will pray for you to be less anxious. :)