Im-Suffering
09-18-2014, 09:57 AM
Little Betsy would often cry herself to sleep. Looking back now some 30 years to try and find a reason, anything, as to why she feels as she does. Betsy has nervous disorder. Her therapist of 5 years had told her just last week that the nerve system in the body fully developed during the first 14 years of life. Fourteen years. He told her that because her system was undeveloped during that time, it was open to the influence of trauma and especially shock, mostly psychological.
Betsy always blames herself, in relationships, failures, unpleasant experiences it is always her fault. Betsy could never hold a long term commitment, the other person just doesn't get me, she would say, even though she thought herself unlovable, surely someone would love her regardless of how bad she was. Betsy's therapist had told her that her needs emotionally were not met by her caretakers, as a child. wondering why she hates herself rather than her parents, it was explained that it was healthier for Betsy to blame herself, while seeing her parents as good. After all she was learning from them, and they were supposed to know what was best. Emotionally Betsy was not mature enough to realize what was happening, but she did know she felt badly about herself, crying often, how could she be so unlovable, so disconnected from those that are supposed to love her unconditionally. Betsy started to fear at that young age, and tremble as she drifted to sleep.
Betsy was in shock, and this lasted the better part of her first 14 years, so her nervous system developed in such a way as to be anxious, not feeling quite right Betsy never really relaxed. Relaxation, her therapist would say, comes when the child's emotional needs are validated, cared for, loved, listened to - and of course this would have been beneficial in those years of early development. Betsy felt restless, anxious, guilty, alone and afraid. She never really felt connected, and until her time with her therapist she didn't know why.
Something was missing...
Now the current Betsy is trying to sort through all of this, she has been told it's more about the journey than the goal. Exhausted she knows she must persist on. Betsy has anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, panic, and many symptoms that terrified her. Especially her fear of abandonment, which is her core issue - but eventually she thought, I'll get through this, she was hopeful because she was aware. She had finally broken the subconscious barriers, and that she was told is the first step.
She knew somehow now, she would also have to move past the physical symptoms that consumed so much of her energy, if she was going to heal her nervous system. After all she was reminded, her checkups always confirmed...she was healthy.
Betsy understood from her therapist that we are all conditioned, and that took away some of the anger she felt about her caretakers. Love is about opening up, he would say, because Betsy knew she had shut down long ago. She had to, for her own sanity. Now, she reasoned, I will get better by opening up, by trusting, by allowing myself to feel safe with others. She knew somehow that it would be love that heals her, and her therapist agreed.
Love is open, connective, and that Besty said, is my life work, to open just a bit more today, than yesterday.
Over the coming months Betsy faced some hard emotions, but she did not add a description to them, she just faced the raw energy of them. When facing anger, she did not attach a story to it. Because the anger itself had its own story which she realized often was different than what she had remembered.
Betsy was truly on her way, she knew it was her journey, she had enough crying herself to sleep.
Betsy always blames herself, in relationships, failures, unpleasant experiences it is always her fault. Betsy could never hold a long term commitment, the other person just doesn't get me, she would say, even though she thought herself unlovable, surely someone would love her regardless of how bad she was. Betsy's therapist had told her that her needs emotionally were not met by her caretakers, as a child. wondering why she hates herself rather than her parents, it was explained that it was healthier for Betsy to blame herself, while seeing her parents as good. After all she was learning from them, and they were supposed to know what was best. Emotionally Betsy was not mature enough to realize what was happening, but she did know she felt badly about herself, crying often, how could she be so unlovable, so disconnected from those that are supposed to love her unconditionally. Betsy started to fear at that young age, and tremble as she drifted to sleep.
Betsy was in shock, and this lasted the better part of her first 14 years, so her nervous system developed in such a way as to be anxious, not feeling quite right Betsy never really relaxed. Relaxation, her therapist would say, comes when the child's emotional needs are validated, cared for, loved, listened to - and of course this would have been beneficial in those years of early development. Betsy felt restless, anxious, guilty, alone and afraid. She never really felt connected, and until her time with her therapist she didn't know why.
Something was missing...
Now the current Betsy is trying to sort through all of this, she has been told it's more about the journey than the goal. Exhausted she knows she must persist on. Betsy has anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, panic, and many symptoms that terrified her. Especially her fear of abandonment, which is her core issue - but eventually she thought, I'll get through this, she was hopeful because she was aware. She had finally broken the subconscious barriers, and that she was told is the first step.
She knew somehow now, she would also have to move past the physical symptoms that consumed so much of her energy, if she was going to heal her nervous system. After all she was reminded, her checkups always confirmed...she was healthy.
Betsy understood from her therapist that we are all conditioned, and that took away some of the anger she felt about her caretakers. Love is about opening up, he would say, because Betsy knew she had shut down long ago. She had to, for her own sanity. Now, she reasoned, I will get better by opening up, by trusting, by allowing myself to feel safe with others. She knew somehow that it would be love that heals her, and her therapist agreed.
Love is open, connective, and that Besty said, is my life work, to open just a bit more today, than yesterday.
Over the coming months Betsy faced some hard emotions, but she did not add a description to them, she just faced the raw energy of them. When facing anger, she did not attach a story to it. Because the anger itself had its own story which she realized often was different than what she had remembered.
Betsy was truly on her way, she knew it was her journey, she had enough crying herself to sleep.