I don't know how to manage it anymore

[Anxious&Afraid]

I am new here, so I hope this is the right place to post. I am not used to forums..

I guess I'll just go right into it. A little background. I am about to turn 24, married, a mother, a college student, and currently pregnant as well. I feel like I am afraid of everything. Afraid of going to classes, afraid of seeing people, afraid of talking to people, afraid of any kind of conflict, afraid of embarrassment, afraid of failing my husband and daughter, afraid of asking for help, afraid to talk to anyone, afraid of showing I'm afraid... I can't hardly look people in the eyes anymore for fear of being judged. I'm so afraid of being judged, but I am very good at hiding it. I have for a long time hid away my fear. If someone approaches me they might think I am normal, even enthusiastic, but I can't do it anymore, it has gotten to the point I can't be around more than a couple people without feeling panicky. I feel like my heart beats harder, I get hot and everything feels too tight and too close, I can't breathe normally. My husband knows I have always been an anxious sort of person, and lately he has noticed some of the more intense moments of my anxiety. He has suggested I get on anxiety medication, but I can't do that while pregnant. I tried some slow breathing exercises that I found online, but I just end of hyperventilating and feel more anxious. I have never talked to anyone about my anxiety, my husband picked up on it before we were together very long, I am too afraid to try to talk to anyone else. I can't stand how I feel and this has kept me from making any friends since we moved 2 years ago. I feel so isolated and alone and like I'm failing my family because I can't seem to function. For example I have arachnophobia from an incident about 10 years ago and since I saw a spider in the kitchen 3 days ago I haven't been able to bring myself to go in there to do the dishes. My husband picks up my slack, but I feel terrible about it like I am a horrible person. And even now I feel like a terrible complainer and I can't stand myself for how self centered I am.

It doesn't help that I have bile reflux disease which is very painful and is triggered by stress, so every time I am anxious I get this terrible pain anywhere from my belly button to up in my throat and it makes me throw up and feel even more terrible which causes me to be more anxious. It's this cycle of emotional pain causing physical pain causing more emotional pain etc.

Please if anyone has any recommendations for something, anything I could do to help control these feelings. I already meditate, I have since I was 16, but now it no longer helps. I feel like I'm going crazy.

[gypsylee]

I am new here, so I hope this is the right place to post. I am not used to forums..

I guess I'll just go right into it. A little background. I am about to turn 24, married, a mother, a college student, and currently pregnant as well. I feel like I am afraid of everything. Afraid of going to classes, afraid of seeing people, afraid of talking to people, afraid of any kind of conflict, afraid of embarrassment, afraid of failing my husband and daughter, afraid of asking for help, afraid to talk to anyone, afraid of showing I'm afraid... I can't hardly look people in the eyes anymore for fear of being judged. I'm so afraid of being judged, but I am very good at hiding it. I have for a long time hid away my fear. If someone approaches me they might think I am normal, even enthusiastic, but I can't do it anymore, it has gotten to the point I can't be around more than a couple people without feeling panicky. I feel like my heart beats harder, I get hot and everything feels too tight and too close, I can't breathe normally. My husband knows I have always been an anxious sort of person, and lately he has noticed some of the more intense moments of my anxiety. He has suggested I get on anxiety medication, but I can't do that while pregnant. I tried some slow breathing exercises that I found online, but I just end of hyperventilating and feel more anxious. I have never talked to anyone about my anxiety, my husband picked up on it before we were together very long, I am too afraid to try to talk to anyone else. I can't stand how I feel and this has kept me from making any friends since we moved 2 years ago. I feel so isolated and alone and like I'm failing my family because I can't seem to function. For example I have arachnophobia from an incident about 10 years ago and since I saw a spider in the kitchen 3 days ago I haven't been able to bring myself to go in there to do the dishes. My husband picks up my slack, but I feel terrible about it like I am a horrible person. And even now I feel like a terrible complainer and I can't stand myself for how self centered I am.

It doesn't help that I have bile reflux disease which is very painful and is triggered by stress, so every time I am anxious I get this terrible pain anywhere from my belly button to up in my throat and it makes me throw up and feel even more terrible which causes me to be more anxious. It's this cycle of emotional pain causing physical pain causing more emotional pain etc.

Please if anyone has any recommendations for something, anything I could do to help control these feelings. I already meditate, I have since I was 16, but now it no longer helps. I feel like I'm going crazy.

Hello and welcome to the forum :)

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate being a mother, pregnant and going to college. Everything you describe is very typical of anxiety. It does sound like your husband is supportive though, which is good.

Perhaps you could talk to a doctor - you'd be seeing someone anyway because of the pregnancy right? I was on anti-depressants while I was pregnant and I'm pretty sure it's ok for the baby.

Meditation and breathing I've found are not so helpful when you're really anxious and can indeed make you feel worse.

You seem to be feeling very guilty and ashamed about your anxiety. I totally understand that but one of the best things you can do is to be kind to yourself. You aren't a horrible or bad person, just someone whose mind and body aren't coping with stress very well at the moment. There are so many people out there experiencing the same thing.

Posting here is a great first step. Anxiety thrives on isolation so talking to others, even online, is very therapeutic.

Take it easy :)
Gypsy

[Enduronman]

You're doing everything that anxiety wants you to do, its obviously in control.
So, you go against what its doing to you and speak to a doctor about all this.
As Gypsy suggested, seek some help and relief.
Best wishes to you..

E-Man :)

[JohnC]

I have been hiding it myself for 30 years. Putting on a show everyday can be quite exhausting so when i get home form work i kinda let it out. Not such a good thing either because now my oldest has picked up on her fathers anxiety/constant worry.
Talk to your doc. please.