Just a bit of a rant...

[Anra]

I can feel the odd pressure building in my chest and I need to calm down before I have a stupid panic attack so I figured here would be the best place to do it.

Today was nice, I got some tidying done while my baby was content. My partner got home so I decided to tackle to mountain of clean laundry to be sorted and put away and I ask him to watch Georgia for a while so I can actually complete the task. He say yes, then gets ready to go out and goes downstairs leaving her on our bed. I'm in the other room sorting clothes and she begins to cry, I fetch her and keep her with me but she still cries. I carry on for a few more minutes talking to her as I go along; nothing helps. I take her down to him and ask him to watch her like I ask, he takes her, sits her in her bouncer and leaves her again!

This is just one example of how he is with our 5 month old baby. He never seems to want to spend any time with her! He has his priorities wrong; gets home from work, goes out to darts within half hour of arriving home and doesn't get back until at least half 11 and he will do this 3 times a week, every week. Sometimes he will drink on all of those nights, sometimes just one night. One night is fine, but all 3? :(

When we are short of money, like this week, he still insists on going out, and often will borrow money from his nan so he can drink. I hate that he does that. She even bails him out when his phone bill stacks up. Great, she helps him, but it isn't teaching him anything! She will frequently give him a lift to darts so he can avoid driving and have a drink, despite the local being a mere 10 minute walk away. Sometimes I think I am being unreasonable, but other nights I know he is in the wrong.

On his days off or nights where he doesn't go to darts he just hides away upstairs in the bedroom on the Xbox. He won't interact with Georgia for more than half an hour, and that's if I push him into it. I feel like he doesn't care about her at all, and I don't think he realises that looking after a baby is actually pretty tiring. When I tried to talk to him about it he threw it back at me and simply said 'Don't you dare doubt that I love my daughter'. Well, that answers everything, doesn't it?...

Tonight I guess I'm more stressed than usual, I've been trying to get the place clean (one my my weird clean-freak modes) but I receive no help from him or his grandparents who we currently live with. I had to clean the darn oven just so I could cook my dinner today as there was a massive load of grease sitting in the bottom!

I hate the house. I hate how it is. I need to get out, I feel trapped. It's not my place so I have no control over anything. All I can do is try to clean and tidy- but as soon as his nan cooks dinner all my work is undone. How on earth can one person make so much mess! It's frustrating. I can't stay here much longer, it is driving me insane.

His grandparents are HEAVY smokers. His grandad isn't too bad, and loves helping me with Georgia when I need it. He doesn't smoke around or near her, but his nan will walk around smoking, past Georgia, and even into the room where she is with it! How selfish can she be? :( Even while I was pregnant she would smoke around me, it made me feel sick. I can't speak up against it because it's not my house...

I think this little vent has helped, I can't feel the pressure in my chest anymore, I just feel like crying now.

Perhaps I overreact, but I have my daughter in mind. I want her to know her daddy and I want him to know her.

I don't know what to do.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me letting off some steam.

[Im-Suffering]

I can feel the odd pressure building in my chest and I need to calm down before I have a stupid panic attack so I figured here would be the best place to do it.

Today was nice, I got some tidying done while my baby was content. My partner got home so I decided to tackle to mountain of clean laundry to be sorted and put away and I ask him to watch Georgia for a while so I can actually complete the task. He say yes, then gets ready to go out and goes downstairs leaving her on our bed. I'm in the other room sorting clothes and she begins to cry, I fetch her and keep her with me but she still cries. I carry on for a few more minutes talking to her as I go along; nothing helps. I take her down to him and ask him to watch her like I ask, he takes her, sits her in her bouncer and leaves her again!

This is just one example of how he is with our 5 month old baby. He never seems to want to spend any time with her! He has his priorities wrong; gets home from work, goes out to darts within half hour of arriving home and doesn't get back until at least half 11 and he will do this 3 times a week, every week. Sometimes he will drink on all of those nights, sometimes just one night. One night is fine, but all 3? :(

When we are short of money, like this week, he still insists on going out, and often will borrow money from his nan so he can drink. I hate that he does that. She even bails him out when his phone bill stacks up. Great, she helps him, but it isn't teaching him anything! She will frequently give him a lift to darts so he can avoid driving and have a drink, despite the local being a mere 10 minute walk away. Sometimes I think I am being unreasonable, but other nights I know he is in the wrong.

On his days off or nights where he doesn't go to darts he just hides away upstairs in the bedroom on the Xbox. He won't interact with Georgia for more than half an hour, and that's if I push him into it. I feel like he doesn't care about her at all, and I don't think he realises that looking after a baby is actually pretty tiring. When I tried to talk to him about it he threw it back at me and simply said 'Don't you dare doubt that I love my daughter'. Well, that answers everything, doesn't it?...

Tonight I guess I'm more stressed than usual, I've been trying to get the place clean (one my my weird clean-freak modes) but I receive no help from him or his grandparents who we currently live with. I had to clean the darn oven just so I could cook my dinner today as there was a massive load of grease sitting in the bottom!

I hate the house. I hate how it is. I need to get out, I feel trapped. It's not my place so I have no control over anything. All I can do is try to clean and tidy- but as soon as his nan cooks dinner all my work is undone. How on earth can one person make so much mess! It's frustrating. I can't stay here much longer, it is driving me insane.

His grandparents are HEAVY smokers. His grandad isn't too bad, and loves helping me with Georgia when I need it. He doesn't smoke around or near her, but his nan will walk around smoking, past Georgia, and even into the room where she is with it! How selfish can she be? :( Even while I was pregnant she would smoke around me, it made me feel sick. I can't speak up against it because it's not my house...

I think this little vent has helped, I can't feel the pressure in my chest anymore, I just feel like crying now.

Perhaps I overreact, but I have my daughter in mind. I want her to know her daddy and I want him to know her.

I don't know what to do.

Thank you for taking the time to listen to me letting off some steam.

The real truth as the heart speaketh: and the cause of much of the anxiety.

"I hate the house. I hate how it is. I need to get out, I feel trapped. It's not my place so I have no control*"

You feel abandoned even in your home, do not blame yourself or feel guilty as you have done in the past, you did nothing wrong. You deserve better.

Now if your playing around with options that's fine. Just be aware of your truth. Speak it, feel it, know it, and plan, to do what is in your best interests, and that of the child.

Do not fester in these emotions for too long without resolution, just festering and stewing will do nothing but wreak havoc on the body and psyche. Figure it all out and make some decisions. You can be independent, you can be self sufficient, you can and would make it just fine. Never fear.

But beware: do not leave abruptly or be forced out, do not wait until the emotions erupt like a volcano and you say and do things spur of that moment because you have lost your head. I tell you to think, good and hard, and plan, then make decisions and stick to them.

The lack of decision making and acquiescing to the living conditions will eat away at the mind and body, as you are seeing now.

[Anne1221]

The most frightening part of your story is that the grandmother is smoking around a 5 month old baby. That is terrible!!

[Enduronman]

I don't know what to do.

It's time to make that plan to take a stand..
The only way to make things better for you and the baby, is to speak up and voice your opinions and concerns.
People can not read other peoples minds and they know not of your troubles, issues, problems, until you tell them.
Much of my stress is also environmental too, but I have talked about and discussed the issues aloud with the other person or persons involved and it has gotten better too.
Wishing you well friend!

Enduronman :)

[Anra]

Im-Suffering -
I think you are right in what you have said there. Living here has always bothered me- when we first moved in four rooms were uninhabitable and the kitchen a mess to the point where plates would have mould on them. It is now the tidiest it has been in about 15 years!

Anne1221 -
Yes, I'm not sure if she simply thinks it is okay to do so because that is how things used to be, or whether she forgets she is smoking. I can't ask her to go outside to smoke as it isn't my house, plus she has a smoke every 20 minutes or so :|

Enduronman -
I am currently in the process of applying for housing for myself and the baby. The Health visitor says she will vouch for me and my JobCentre advisor says she will help me with the forms. Unfortunately housing could take months, or even years to get a place and I lack the funds to rent myself. Housing is a huge step for me as it means moving out without my partner, who I'm sure will not enjoy it... He has already said not to bother applying for it when I brought it up with him.

[Enduronman]

Im-Suffering -
I think you are right in what you have said there. Living here has always bothered me- when we first moved in four rooms were uninhabitable and the kitchen a mess to the point where plates would have mould on them. It is now the tidiest it has been in about 15 years!

Anne1221 -
Yes, I'm not sure if she simply thinks it is okay to do so because that is how things used to be, or whether she forgets she is smoking. I can't ask her to go outside to smoke as it isn't my house, plus she has a smoke every 20 minutes or so :|

Enduronman -
I am currently in the process of applying for housing for myself and the baby. The Health visitor says she will vouch for me and my JobCentre advisor says she will help me with the forms. Unfortunately housing could take months, or even years to get a place and I lack the funds to rent myself. Housing is a huge step for me as it means moving out without my partner, who I'm sure will not enjoy it... He has already said not to bother applying for it when I brought it up with him.

Believe it or not, I see a person behind all of these words that is doing everything that she can to make a better and more healthier life and existence for herself and her baby too..
We are all proud of you for making this effort, for opening up with us here, and for your forward thinking and planning too.
Sure, things may not be perfect for you at the moment but at some point, they will be because you strive for success in your eyes and mind.
You're way stronger then you reveal here to us, way more capable that you present yourself to be and we can all see that too.
Make a list today of what is the most important to you, and focus on ONE thing at a time, plan the task and follow through with it..once completed, check it off and go to the next issue.
Be patient as your efforts will be rewarded in time...
Hoping that you have a great day friend!
Have hope.... :)

Enduronman

[Im-Suffering]

Believe it or not, I see a person behind all of these words that is doing everything that she can to make a better and more healthier life and existence for herself and her baby too..
We are all proud of you for making this effort, for opening up with us here, and for your forward thinking and planning too.
Sure, things may not be perfect for you at the moment but at some point, they will be because you strive for success in your eyes and mind.
You're way stronger then you reveal here to us, way more capable that you present yourself to be and we can all see that too.
Make a list today of what is the most important to you, and focus on ONE thing at a time, plan the task and follow through with it..once completed, check it off and go to the next issue.
Be patient as your efforts will be rewarded in time...
Hoping that you have a great day friend!
Have hope.... :)

Enduronman

I am hoping that you have a great day friend !

Sorry for the thread interruption but I have something for Enduronman. And it's coming fast. Typographical emphasis on purpose :

At some point you regained your "heart", rather, reopened it. And that literally saved your life. Now the body did suffer somewhat, but it is not irreversible.

You came in a beautiful, kind soul, and one day you will be leaving even more so, even among the challenges, and there were many. So we tell you, you win. If you can only see the emotions from your friends who celebrate your triumphs with you from the heavens (a human term only) They know who you are and the earth life you chose. You are loved. Heaven is all around you, in you and through you. Heaven permeates each cell as a vibrant expression of joy. Heaven is alive.

A short message:

The only way (to heal) is through the mind. Do not forget yourself, or count yourself out. And you know what we mean. The love that comes through you must first stop within you, like a pitstop, filling your being. Before giving the love to others, take your share, there is more than enough. So make sure to do your mental exercises. Using the imagination..for 10 minutes a day...picturing a healthy, vibrant body, running the bases after a hit, a marathon race, boating and swimming on a sun filled day. Playing hide and seek with children, your energy seems effortless, you can outrun them!

Add emotions to the mental images -- of love, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment, creativity. And especially find pleasure in your mobility, pain free, period.

Then forget the exercise and go about your day, or fall asleep. Continue for at least 30 days or more, even if you feel badly any given day.

For those of you that suffer, in physical or psychological pain, dear readers, you have done this exercise for sometimes years, only picturing dire results, you see. No exceptions to the way toward health, you must do the opposite!

End of message.

Enduronman, excellent advice to the OP