I don't think I can control it for much longer

[helloworld14]

I'm 24 years old, male, had my first anxiety symptoms around when I was 18, although it's been about a year since my last anxiety attacks happened.

You probably wouldn't notice it when you look at me, thinking I could be just like any other slightly awkward person you could meet. Ever since I was in elementary school, I had to deal with constant bullying that only grew as the years passed, at home things were not much better, which led me to believe I really had no one to go to, not only I would be verbally and physically abused at school but at home the psychological damage was worse, someone decided that I was the one to blame on, and if the subject of bad things happening at school ever came out it was quickly labeled as my own fault, I grew up thinking that there was something bad with me, that I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve good things to happen to me, I remember many nights as a kid literally crying to sleep because I really had no one to fall back on, thinking about it I was probably depressed through most of my youth years, but of course I never even knew that word then, I just thought that was the way life was supposed to be, that being an actual punching bag was just my place, I dreaded recess because at the time all the boys apparently had to play some sport that I of course was terrible at, I wasn't picked last, I just wasn't picked, I dealt with constant rejection all those years, which just made me isolated, I remember since very young, say 6 or 7, just looking at the girls and how they weren't made to play but instead they were just sitting and talking and eating and laughing and just having a good time, I don't remember if I ever experienced any gender identity disorders before this, but at the time I kept wishing I could just be a girl, going to bed every night praying that I could just wake up a girl, thinking how much better my life would be, maybe it was just my experience at the time, maybe it wasn't I never had anyone to talk to about that kind of stuff.

Since I never had many friends at school I focused on the subjects a lot, I was the smart kid in my class, always doing my homework, studying, straight As became the usual, which didn't help with making friendships either, my relatives would regularly praise my parents on what a good job they had done with me, and everytime I tried to tell my side of the story, they wouldn't hesitate on telling me how apparently ungrateful and bad person I was, I remember feeling incredibly frustrated because nobody would listen to me, but somehow I always told myself that one day all of this would be over, that one day I would look back and be glad that I was strong to go through everything as a child, that I would be proud of myself.

High school wasn't actually that bad, I had a girlfriend for a while and the years passed by fast. Then I worked my way up to a crappy college, while many people I knew got sent to expensive universities in their brand new cars, I would ride a 1 hr bus every day, thinking that everything would be worth it, that I was almost at the end of the tunnel, that sooner than later things would change for the best, here is when my anxiety kicked in worse than ever forcing me to take days off to get myself together, I got medicated about this time as well but after exactly 1 day my doctor said to stop taking the pills because they weren't really gonna help, and I could do it on my own, so I tried and soon enough I graduated and went on looking for a job finding nothing but extremely entry level jobs, I'd work up to 10-11 hours a day for a salary that wouldn't excite your average walmart employee, I did great but since there was no future for me there I was forced to quit, deciding I would go back to school to expand my horizons and that's where I'm at now.

And I know people always say, well life is not supposed to be fair, or anything along those lines, and I agree, I never asked to be a millionaire, to be famous, to be indestructible.

The thing is that after 25 years, it's my birthday in a couple weeks, I feel like I've accomplished nothing even though I know I have done things many people are just not capable of, I feel that I have nothing, I still live at home since I have nowhere to go, I feel that what I told myself all my life, wasn't true at the end, or at least not yet, that things aren't really getting better as time passes by, that there was not really a light at the end of the tunnel, I feel like life is just asking me to keep going but every end I see is just a product of my imagination, now more than ever I feel hopeless, I feel like no matter what else I try, what else I do better, at the end of the day life is just gonna laugh at me as it has done all these years, I have no motivation, I don't want to wake up to see my failures every day, to not see anything that I can be proud of, to see myself, I don't like me, I feel that now more than ever I just don't want to live a life in which I'm not happy, in which time has proven me that I can't be happy, that after all these years good things are still not allowed to happen to me, that I don't deserve them, and to me it feels incredibly frustating, because I am not a bad person, I know I am a good person, I like to do good things for those few around me, I like whenever I can find a way to make someone happy, I've always believed that if you are a good person then good things should happen to you, like karma, but somehow I'm realizing that even if I keep hope and one day things actually start changing for me, it's gonna be too late, I just cannot erase all those young years of my life, what is supposed to be your happiest stage in life wasn't even close to that, I'm feeling that it isn't worth it anymore, that wishful thinking is not worth a life of dissapointment, that I would be better off dead, that at least that way I wouldn't feel bad anymore, that I have nothing to lose, to me right now the future looks dimmer than ever before, I can hear the shortness of my breath as I type.

I still think it's not fair that I take my life just because I was in the wrong place at the wrong time, that I could've thrived had I been a little bit lucky, I want to believe that it was never my fault, that the reason for my existance was not for others to have someone to make themselves feel better, but somehow it isn't working anymore, and I don't know what else to do.

[zoiden]

Hi helloworld14,

I'm new to this forum. I just created a thread right before you and it was the first time i ever kind of opened up online...i find myself pretty much in the same boat as you. if you read my thread you'll know what i mean...i don't want to say i'm happy you're going through what you are, because i am not, i am happy to know though that i found someone i can relate to. i believe being able to relate to others shows that you aren't alone. i believe what both you and i are going through is similar and common for many people. we sometimes see others and automatically assume their lives are going smoothly because they have a smile on their face but that's sometimes not the case.

the only advice i have for you is to take full responsibility of your life. don't expect life, anyone or anything to change your circumstances. essentially your reality is your mental environment and right now you don't feel fulfilled and it is dealing a mental toll on you. i know how it feels. i realize that an important way to change your situation is to have a clear idea of what changes to make and to simply try to feel better. when you feel good, it's easier to accomplish things. feeling good means not being too hard on yourself and allowing yourself to enjoy things. i read a quote a while back...it was "Your thoughts are only your doubts, not your future". Your thoughts that there will be no light at the end of the tunnel is not your future, it is just your thoughts. ignore those thoughts and whatever it takes steer them into a direction that can be positive for you. good luck

[AceParadox]

Hey :D
I see this is your first post, so welcome to the forums.
Wow, so many years of enduring anxiety. That is an quite an achievement! You must be strong as fuuuuu. I know how you feel though about feeling like you've accomplished nothing. I turned 22 this year and all I can really say I've accomplished is that I defeated anxiety and am a Platinum League of Legends player. That's nothing...only other LoL players would even know what being a plat is - nobody else cares - so all my work in that is for nothing. Most people also don't know what anxiety is like, so telling them I beat it doesn't mean anything to them - only other anxiety sufferers would understand how monumental an achievement that is.

Here's the thing: It's never too late......Yeah, I thought that was bullshit too, and still do! We're young right now, and we'll never, ever, ever get these years back. That's why I kicked it into gear. I said "I'm not gunna let anxiety, depression, whatever, not letting anything get me down and ruin my life. I'm gunna be like those happy people I see all around me. " Nobody is going to motivate you (well they might, but still) You have to motivate yourself! You're clouding your mind with the dreaded "Poor Me" stuff - that will slow anyone down. You're stronger than you think :]

You don't want to live a life where you're not happy, so it's time to make yourself happy. "It's not that easy" you might say - nope, it isn't. It might be the hardest thing in the world, but why is that stopping you? Imagine the feeling of accomplishment. That tingly happy feeling that successful rich people must feel when they look at their bank accounts everyday. Not the confused helpless feeling, like how you'll feel reading my horribly unorganized and random post. I honestly have so much to say, but it often just turns out like shooting spaghetti out of a cannon at a wall.

So...All I'm going to say is, motivate yourself somehow :] Set a big goal! and while you thinking about it, listen to inspirational music mixes on youtube. Everytime you get these "poor me" feelings, or anxiety feelings - tell it to piss off. Let those emotions know, that everytime they come at you, you'll get 10x stronger and that eventually it'll have no chance. Tell yourself, you're going to be somebody. You're going to shine brighter than any star. That you're going to live your life from now on as you wish it to be lived, and that years from now you'll look back and say "Man...That was one hell of a fight...but I'm glad I got through it." You're not mentally ill, you're not anything you don't want to be. Believe in yourself and you can do anything. You can fight a dragon! Though they're not hardly as big as they are in games and movies...and they don't blow fire... :/ Sad day.

I'm going to throw positivity at you now. *throw* .... I really should just go to bed... Anyway, I hope you found something that made sense somewhere in here? :[ Just don't give up! I believe in you! Just like I believe my post is confusing!

[Exactice]

Hello helloworld14,
What a funny way to address you LOL, Sorry just staying positive. Any ways..... Im goint to start off with WOW!!!!! You are a tough cookie! You could actually be an inspiration to many whom have struggled and gone through similar situations. It is sad to say something like that but unfortunately in this day an age it has become more prevalent.

Bullying and Family Physical and Mental Abuse.

I think with your experience and how well you have dealt with it up to this point. I think you should share it with others and tell your story how you have endured so long. The support for your continued endurance will come from others that have suffered and conquered. But I think you sharing is a huge step forward!

For feeling like you have not accomplished nothing, I disagree and a timeline is not something that anyone is required to follow. What I mean by that is that you have seen others go to expensive colleges and drive expensive cars. But it just means that they have money to accomplish what they want. It doesn't mean you "HAVE" to finish in the same time.

A funny quote I heard that still rings true......."What is a Student that finishes dead last in his PHD course?...... Doctor" My point is it may take a little longer or you might not be first but you can still accomplish your goals.

If its any consolation, I own my own business. I wake up when I feel like it, I Golf once a week. I dont answer to anyone. I make more than enough money for me to be happy. But guess what, I am not a college graduate. I dont have any degrees or special designation. I am not a genius, but a worked my butt off. What a Genius or a rich person could do in 2-4 years it took me 8 years to do, but now I am happy and living a wonderful life!

So again dont feel like you have not accomplished anything, you are still very young, but I think with all the challenges you have faced you would be a strong asset to many that have gone through what you have gone through!

[Im-Suffering]

This is a spiritual matter, period. We have an old friend here. If we have caught you in time then read on:

This is a post where the OP is considering suicide. For the OP your life is not finite, and you will have to face the problems triggering these emotions sooner or later. You live many lives.

Suicides, as a class, for example, do not have any
particular "punishment" meted out to them, (afterlife) nor is their condition any
worse a priori. They are treated as individuals. Any problems that
were not faced in this life will, however, be faced in another one.
This applies not only to suicides, however. So you will have to repeat, no exceptions, it is cosmic law.

A suicide may bring about his own death because he rejects existence
on any but highly specific terms chosen by himself. Now that may not seem to be you, but you did set the conditions for certain challenges to be worked out, and cutting that short before resolution is not in your best interests. Do you want to play the game again? Or work it out now. Life must be lived on the terms chosen for progression, accepting what happens as in the past, working out a resolution, and continuing on, changing the beliefs to better the self, always onward and upward. This is the the highest regards for the soul being tested under these conditions. Not to die, but to live, you see, to work it out, this soul must learn to feel good even in the face of opposition, to be secure in the self, to stand tall as the great spirit he is.

The bullying, the shame, the harassment, the guilt, the repression makes for a difficult life thus far, however you needed to be up for the challenge. No challenge is placed on the self that cannot be overcome, but, you are a strong identity, soul wise. The learning from this is the opposite of everything mentioned. Self confidence, worth, pride, accomplishment, joy, love, companionship, courage and so forth.

Those attributes were to be learned, by enduring the opposite. This is a reincarnate for you, it is not the first time you are trying to overcome. As a matter of fact, your family, the bullies, all of you came in together to reenact the drama. And frankly I'm talking about reincarnation en mass, as a group of friends come back to support and help each other grow. Understand this as you think back. What kind of job did the bullies do, did they fulfill their purpose presenting you with appropriate feelings and ideas about yourself, which was the challenge to which you could then overcome, enriching the soul.

Now it matters not if you you don't believe any of this, will not change the truth one iota. Let some of it sink in and you'll see life from a much broader perspective than the tiny focus you have now.

Reading needed, important this soul learns his lessons this life. This soul has the courage inherent to handle it. He just needs a realization, as we have just given. A little push in the right direction.

Unedited, I will be around for questions OP or in PM if you wish.

[helloworld14]

I just wanted to say thank you for the thoughtful responses. Actually just venting out on that post made me feel a little less anxious about it, I have never actually attempted on my life, it's just that sometimes I get so many thoughts that I start feeling say a little disconnected with reality, breathing heavily, like I'm about to snap, like that little stage in between a dream and waking up, feeling like you're about to lose control of yourself, but luckily I have always overcome it and I'm still here so I guess that's something to be proud about.

I remember when I was very young and just didn't understand why would certain things happen to me, and seeing everyone else at least pretending to live their happy lifes made me feel even worse, not because I didn't want people to be happy, but because I wanted to be too, and usually what would get me through at the time was to tell myself that one day I was gonna that person that would be supportive and caring, and that I would make people feel good and at the same time that would make me feel good, so I guess it makes sense when you say that my experience could certainly help.

I try to stay positive, I tell myself that things are gonna be alright, there's just a time when you stop believing it and it becomes harder to be hopeful, but I guess only trying is how you can succeed.

Thanks for the support.