Lilac
08-17-2014, 02:34 PM
Do not read if you are easily triggered.
... I just can't accept the (probably natural) asymmetry in my body. To me, my left arm is about half the size of my (dominant) right arm. A part of me is scared of ALS and all that, and that was the reason I started checking my body in the first place.
I need help shifting focus. I have managed to distance myself from ALS a little bit. At least it doesn't affect my quality of life to such an extent that I can't even get out of bed. I'm still scared, of course I am. But I live with it, I accept the thoughts. And I don't believe in them all the time.
I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and I have a strong need to control everything, which is why I tried fighting the symptoms that led to my ALS anxiety in the first place. I spent every SINGLE day for three months, checking my body thoroughly for anything that could point to muscle atrophy (wasting). And when you spend hours and hours, every day, for three months straight, at home, at work, at other people's houses, you are bound to find something you've never seen before. For instance, I discovered my pulse in my feet (I thought it was twitching first). That is something that I've never seen before. However, the pulse is supposed to be there, so I didn't pay more attention to it.
I've always known that my right calf is smaller than my left (about 2 cm, almost an inch). I've struggled (still do) with an eating disorder and focused mostly on the "thigh gap", so I used to measure my thighs and calves all the time. So when I got this ALS anxiety, I never cared about the differences in my calves - they have always been like this. So that is not atrophy.
I'm also aware that my left arm is slightly less toned than my right. I used to like my left arm better (when I had my mind set on my eating disorder) exactly because of that. Then I started studying my arm even more, this time with an ALS-mind, and all I can see is a spaghetti arm! I started measuring my arms, and the difference is not at all big. Just that my right is a bit more toned and stronger, which is not weird since I use my right arm to EVERYTHING. My left just... exists. But then the analysis started: "Has it really always been this smaller? It isn't THAT smaller according to the measuring tape, so how come it looks so much smaller to me then?" etc. My left hand is also smaller.
Enough about that, I started believing ALS had started in my left arm. The more I studied it, the smaller it seemed to be. But not weaker (of course, I can do more reps with my right for instance, but I can basically do everything with my left arm as with my right).
Now I have managed to distance myself from ALS, although the fear is not completely gone. What is bothering me the most now, is the fact that I know about this asymmetry so well. I know exactly what my body looks like, and every time I look in the mirror I see only faults. I started working out my left forearm, because I can't accept it being smaller than my right. A part of me does it because of the ALS anxiety still, but another part just because I want my arms to look the same!
It has become an obsession - I still look for asymmetry, and I am sick of it. It's so time and energy consuming. How come I can't accept my left arm is just smaller because I never use it, and just let it be, like with my calves? How come I care so much? A part of the problem is that, unlike with my calves, I don't know exactly how my left forearm looked like compared to my right before, since I never used to study it like I studied my calves. My rational side says my left arm has probably always been (THAT) smaller than my right, just like my right calf has always been smaller than my left.
How do I shift focus? I need to get rid of the OCD.
I know I will probably be given the same lessons as before by some members, but I still want to ask. I know this reads "crazy", but that's just how it is.
If it isn't my anxiety, it is my perfectionism. Or a fine mixture...
I'm tired.
... I just can't accept the (probably natural) asymmetry in my body. To me, my left arm is about half the size of my (dominant) right arm. A part of me is scared of ALS and all that, and that was the reason I started checking my body in the first place.
I need help shifting focus. I have managed to distance myself from ALS a little bit. At least it doesn't affect my quality of life to such an extent that I can't even get out of bed. I'm still scared, of course I am. But I live with it, I accept the thoughts. And I don't believe in them all the time.
I've been a perfectionist for as long as I can remember, and I have a strong need to control everything, which is why I tried fighting the symptoms that led to my ALS anxiety in the first place. I spent every SINGLE day for three months, checking my body thoroughly for anything that could point to muscle atrophy (wasting). And when you spend hours and hours, every day, for three months straight, at home, at work, at other people's houses, you are bound to find something you've never seen before. For instance, I discovered my pulse in my feet (I thought it was twitching first). That is something that I've never seen before. However, the pulse is supposed to be there, so I didn't pay more attention to it.
I've always known that my right calf is smaller than my left (about 2 cm, almost an inch). I've struggled (still do) with an eating disorder and focused mostly on the "thigh gap", so I used to measure my thighs and calves all the time. So when I got this ALS anxiety, I never cared about the differences in my calves - they have always been like this. So that is not atrophy.
I'm also aware that my left arm is slightly less toned than my right. I used to like my left arm better (when I had my mind set on my eating disorder) exactly because of that. Then I started studying my arm even more, this time with an ALS-mind, and all I can see is a spaghetti arm! I started measuring my arms, and the difference is not at all big. Just that my right is a bit more toned and stronger, which is not weird since I use my right arm to EVERYTHING. My left just... exists. But then the analysis started: "Has it really always been this smaller? It isn't THAT smaller according to the measuring tape, so how come it looks so much smaller to me then?" etc. My left hand is also smaller.
Enough about that, I started believing ALS had started in my left arm. The more I studied it, the smaller it seemed to be. But not weaker (of course, I can do more reps with my right for instance, but I can basically do everything with my left arm as with my right).
Now I have managed to distance myself from ALS, although the fear is not completely gone. What is bothering me the most now, is the fact that I know about this asymmetry so well. I know exactly what my body looks like, and every time I look in the mirror I see only faults. I started working out my left forearm, because I can't accept it being smaller than my right. A part of me does it because of the ALS anxiety still, but another part just because I want my arms to look the same!
It has become an obsession - I still look for asymmetry, and I am sick of it. It's so time and energy consuming. How come I can't accept my left arm is just smaller because I never use it, and just let it be, like with my calves? How come I care so much? A part of the problem is that, unlike with my calves, I don't know exactly how my left forearm looked like compared to my right before, since I never used to study it like I studied my calves. My rational side says my left arm has probably always been (THAT) smaller than my right, just like my right calf has always been smaller than my left.
How do I shift focus? I need to get rid of the OCD.
I know I will probably be given the same lessons as before by some members, but I still want to ask. I know this reads "crazy", but that's just how it is.
If it isn't my anxiety, it is my perfectionism. Or a fine mixture...
I'm tired.