Fiance' vs friend vs parents..... Someone please help me before the anxiety kills me.

[Silmarwen18]

Im so lost, so confused and so uncertain as to what im supposed to do next... I have been with my fiancé for nearly 4 years, were due to marry in less then a month. I also have a really good mate whose been my mate for about 3 years. Now my fiance' is also his friend but has known for quite some time, as have I, that the friend has developed feelings for me. It has made him quite edgy. Last time we hung out with him I had a car accident and had a panic attack as a result. My friend chased me and grabbed me in a way that made both myself and my fiancé extremely uncomfortable. Now, my fiancé was to punch his face in. My friend recently got a girlfriend and for some time we didn't hear much from him. He broke up with her on Saturday... he then messaged me everyday. "Want to catch up Friday night? what you doing sat night? What about sunday?" to me its like hes left her and come running to me for support. I organised to go round to his next Saturday for drinks and video games while my fiancé is on his bucks but he is extraordinarily worried about me. He is concerned that my friend might rape me or hurt me. His worry came from the night he grabbed me weirdly. I feel like I should call the friendship off...

Plus, to make things even more weird and f*****d up, my parents have an obsession with my friend. His mums a bitch and he has no luck in his love life so they feel sorry for him. They keep asking us to invite him to the reception, they asked me to invite him to family Christmas and have previously said they wanted me to be with my friend instead of my fiancé... This situation is so messed up and I cant think of a way out without ditching the friend...

My anxiety, stress levels and panic attacks are through the roof...



WHAT DO I?!?! HELPPPP!!!!

[Anne1221]

If you really love your fiance, and he's a good man, then you have to distance yourself from this guy. You don't have to break it off completely, but certainly back way up. Sorry to your parents, but you have made your choice that this other man is the man you want to be with and they need to respect that, and you need to give your fiance/husband the peace that this guy is not after you. As for the friend, I have lost respect for him because as he knows, you are about to be married, and yet he is still pursuing you. That is not a true friend.

[Xerosnake90]

You could distance yourself. That however is avoidance if not handled properly. You need to confront this friend of yours with everything that you've told us here. There are boundaries and he seems to have an "obsession" of a sort which is not healthy for him or you. Confront this person and make sure they truly understand, or the ultimatum is you'll be out of their life. You need to do this trough voice or in person. No texting them. You also need to gauge their reaction, of he is obsessive then at that point you need to cease all contact.

But only after confronting them! That step is integral to warding off anxiety. Avoidance is how anxiety manifests, so stick to your guns. You've got this :)

[Silmarwen18]

Thank you so much guys. I ultimately knew it would come down to confronting him but, yes, Ive been avoiding it like the plague... Thanks for the advice and support. :)

[Xerosnake90]

My pleasure :)

And keep in mind how avoidance affects us. Anxiety can be beat by doing the things we want for ourselves. Avoiding that truth and what we want is how it takes hold. Don't let it control ya, and let us know how this whole thing works out for you!

[snowberry]

I think you definitely need to put this guy out of your life. He knows you're engaged and going to marry in less than a month, and he's still acting this way. That doesn't sound like something a friend would do. And honestly, considering the good job he seems to have done on your parents, it wouldn't surprise me if he's some kind of emotional manipulator. For whatever reason you can't seem to completely break away from him - you know how he feels, yet as soon as he texts you to hang out you decide to meet with him, even knowing how uncomfortable it makes your fiance feel. I'm guessing he's good at getting people to do what he wants.

Regardless of whether or not he responds well to whatever talk you plan on having with him, I honestly think he should be out of your life for good. If you keep having him around even knowing how he feels, what kind of message does that send to him? 'She knows I like her, but she still wants to hang out...maybe she does have feelings for me deep down...' Honestly, it's better for you both if this friendship comes to an end. All the best and please enjoy your wedding day!

[Silmarwen18]

Hey I got out of catching up with the friend because we found out my partner has cancer.... that's one way to get out of a mess....

[trinidiva]

Listen, I have learned that when you get that uncomfortable feeling. .....listen to it. Most times you are right! I would not go and hang out with him by yourself....especially since you mentioned drinking will be taking place. I really felt compelled to write to you today...... something doesnt seem right with this "friend".
If you MUST hang out....make sure it is in a public place WITH your fiance.
So sorry to hear about the C word....