Hey All! Pleaaaase help.

[Ashley1]

Hello All! I am fairly new to the seriousness of anxiety/panic attacks/OCD and I am trying to learn more about it day by day. Currently, I am not the one DIRECTLY struggling with anxiety but I am going through hell to put it lightly to try and be a supportive spouse to my boyfriend. We have been dating and living together for about a year and a half. A nearly flawless relationship where he would emotionally spoil me to death....talking about marriage often, meeting me at the train everyday, cooking me dinner, talking about our future all of the time and his enthusiasm for it. In the beginning anxiety wasn't really apparent until he started a super stressful job that had extremely demanding hours (4am-8pm, 12pm-11pm etc...)....they hours were all over the place and as a manager he had a lot of responsibilities to delegate and handle in the industry that he was in. On two different occassions he had to leave work to go to the ER (once on ambulance about a month ago) and another time last February. He would often need me to stop down to his work to relax him just by seeing me. About a month ago he had a huge episode at work, went to the ER, and started taking new medication prescribed by his psychiatrist. Instead of coming back home to me he stayed with his mom (I live in a city in massachusetts and she lives about 35 minutes outside the city). He stayed at her place for two nights and eventually came home. That weekend, he gave his notice at his job and had another one lined up (luckily). I wasn't resentful but wasn't happy that he "chose" his mother over coming back to OUR place but of course it hurt. He had about two weeks off of work before he started his new job and in the meantime...he had another panic attack and took off to his mothers AGAIN and has been there for over a week and a half. He is 38 years old, she is 76. He has a different relationship with his mother, coming from significant money....basically has been on his own his whole life in and out of boarding schools etc. She probably feels like this is the time she can actually be a mother and he is getting taken care of like a king. He has started his job yesterday and is understandably anxious about it. What I am going through right now NOT knowing our future, being distant and basically being thrown to the wolves...I just don't knwo what to do. He was the absolute best boyfriend I could ever ask for, most supportive, intelligent, fun etc...and now it is a struggle for him to even call me and it seems like there is no fear of losing me which is someone who said they would do anything in the world for me. Is this normal/acceptable side effect of a severe panic attack? Under normal circumstances i would say see you later but do I throw this 1.5 year relationship (awesome) over a couple of weeks of hell? Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.

[manda]

Hi, it's a tough situation to be in. If you really want to be with your partner you need to bare with him and be supportive. He probably goes to his mother's as this feels like his 'safe place' he doesn't have to think of his responsibilities and has things done for him. He is probably struggling to cope with work and running a home, looking after himself etc. I understand at his age he should be Home with you but he may not want you to have to deal with how he is. I'm 27 and a single mum who suffers from anxiety. I also feel a lot better if I stay at my parents. My mother has a calming influence and makes me feel at ease. Talk to him and ask what can you do to help him at home. He needs to open up to you as his partner and come up with a solution together.

[Ashley1]

Thank you Manda!!!!

[lukeypoo1412]

Ashley- I'm sorry you are going through this difficult situation. Please try to understand his predicament. Anxiety is no fun, I can tell you that first hand. Your boyfriend probably learned to cope with anxiety originally from his mother. It is most likely where he is most comfortable. While my girlfriend is a safe haven for me, my mother undoubtedly understands my anxiety best. Try to be as supportive as possible and I hope you understand he isn't purposely choosing his mother over you, but simply doing his best to cope with anxiety where he is most comfortable. Hope this helps.

Luke