Having a rough morning

[cyncyn]

Hi

I'm having a horribly anxious morning, feel like I just want to crawl out of my skin. I've been off of work for a week with my husband for vacation and I have to go back to work. It seems I get really messed up when my routine changes, and now I'm used to him being around. I keep picturing myself flipping out or losing it when he leaves or on my way to work. Realistically I know this isn't true, I know you can't go crazy from a panic attack but I picture myself losing control and calling an ambulance. I've taken .5 of clonazepam already waiting for that to kick in. I'm on 10mg of prozac and I've noticed my anxiety steadily getting worse, I talked to my psychiatrist about this, she said it should get better or we can switch to another med. SSRI's haven't helped much with anxiety in the past they help with anger & depression but don't touch my anxiety, I had a psychiatrist diagnose me with PTSD due to childhood trauma and suggested EFT therapy because supposedly my brain chemistry is changed due to trauma and SSRI's don't help but the brain understands the tapping. I had to stop seeing him due to insurance reasons and I told my new doctor all this, and she just smiled and said nothing. I only went on prozac because I was a raging angry mess, now I feel like a anxious mess again :( anyone going through anything like this or understand, feeling really lonely and scared.

[cyncyn]

Anyone? Please

[RavenM]

I'm here for you! I haven't experienced what you have but I can empathise for you. Have you returned to work yet?

[cyncyn]

Yes, I went crying all the way but went, have a migraine now :( I'm not sure if it's the prozac or this Midwest humidity. Thanks for answering :)

[manda]

I know how you feel. My partner doesn't live with me but does stay over a lot. On the day's he goes home I go into panic mode. I feel like I'm going to lose control and it scares me. I'm not on ny meds as my Dr thinks I can overcome this on my own even though I'm scared of leaving the house now.

[cyncyn]

I'm sorry your doctor doesn't understand how hard it is for you. I call a friend or family member if I get scared when my husband is at work, or I listen to Claire Weeks' audio books, I was lucky my library still had one. I also listen to a podcast called Anxiety Guru, it helps. I try to practice mindful mediation but don't really understand it. I was housebound once, with a lot of cognitive behavior therapy I was able to get back out but I still have a hard time being alone and with driving. I wish you the best, thank you for replying.

[Lilac]

Dear Cyncyn, I think I know how you feel. I've been struggling with GAD for some time, and recently I developed health anxiety. The evenings are the worse to me, and every time my boyfriend leaves the apartment, I panic. I want to scream. And sometimes I do: I pace back and forth in the apartment, and then I lie down on the floor crying and crying. Shaking, and it feels like I'm going to die. I try my very best not to take medications, but during those attacks I have to. It helps at that moment, but I really hate taking them. My doctor also said he really didn't want to prescribe me meds, because he thinks I'm very rational and will manage to solve this through cognitive therapy (I am seeing a psychologist). And it is working. However, I got these meds now in the summer, because my therapist is away on holiday for two months. Now I'm out of meds, and don't dare asking my doctor for another prescription. Luckily, I'm seeing my therapist in only nine days.

[cyncyn]

Lilac
Thanks for your reply. My therapist is on vacation yet again as well, I say this because she was gone for almost 3 weeks haven't been able to get in and called to get an appt today and she's out of town again. I feel very frustrated that all the years of therapy I've had and no one has helped address the real issues. I was dropped off at day care when I was two and flipped out with separation anxiety, I became very afraid of everything and exhibited behavior that indicates sexual abuse, I have no real memories just hazy images that flash. I can tell you about my home life just not much about day care & I was there for 2 years. My mother left the family when I was 8 and I think that pushed my breaking point. It was a nasty divorce in which I was used as a battling ground. So I as an adult understand where these feelings came from about being alone & not feeling safe, but no therapist has successfully dealt with it, they tell me I can't go back and fix my past. My mother has apologized and feels bad for how it has affected me, so I have that closure but these feelings are still there waiting and coming out every so often. Do you have fear of abandonment also? When I go to work I feel like I'm in the big scary world with strangers and who will help me if something (panic attack) were to happen, it sounds so stupid because I work less than 10 minutes from home.

[Lilac]

Hi again Cyncyn,

It breaks my heart to read what you have gone through in the past, and I send you lots of strength. It's a good thing your mother has apologized though, because it shows that she is aware how much the divorce and general fighting affected you as a child and in later adulthood. But clearly, this is still an issue and cause of your anxiety, and I am surprised no therapist has addressed these issues and helped you tackle them. No wonder you do not get a real closure when you still have not received the proper help and guidelines.

My parents are still married, but I definitely know how it is to have separation anxiety and fear of being abandoned (if you are interested, you can read a bit more in my post in the Welcome thread). My therapist thinks that is actually the main reason I am struggling with perfectionism, GAD, health anxiety, OCD, and all. You see, right before I was born, there was a complication. My mother has a blood type with Rh negative, and I am Rh positive. Sometimes that can cause complications if the mother gets Rh positive blood in hers. Her body will then "attack" (with lack of better medical terms and explanations) the fetus and that can be fatal. This happened to me, and my heart stopped three times (they were monitoring my heartbeat when I was still inside). They then found out that they had to do a C-section and get me out as fast as possible. When I was finally out, they separated me from my parents for many days because I had to be given a blood transfer in an incubator. The doctors said that I would most likely develop a brain damage.

As a child, I cried every time my parents left me, even if it was for a few hours only (my mother was a staying home mum the years before I started school, so I was never really socialized in a day care center or anything). For several years, I could stay up all night after I went to bed listening to the door to be sure my parents were still there. I have always been scared that if I ever have a fight with them (or anyone else in my family or my friends) they will leave me. I also had to tell the exact truth to my parents whenever I did do something "bad", said a bad word to one of my friends, etc. I am incapable of lying (with exception of small white lies). I always had something to confess, really. If I broke a glass when I was home alone, I would anxiously pace around being scared of what would happen when my parents came home and saw what I had done. I was sure I was going to be yelled at, thrown out or, yes, being abandoned. My parents are the nicest in the world, and all they've ever done when I have done something "bad" is giggle and say "that's OK", because I have always been a good girl. And they never cared about a stupid glass :P Ironically, I've escaped every family fight, and I've always blamed myself especially if my parents fought or had discussions. When I started school at the age of 6-7, I was crying and crying because I didn't want to be separated from my mum to go into the classroom with my new classmates and teacher (was antisocial as a child). I could still see her outside the window talking to the other parents, but I was still petrified of her leaving me.

As an adult, I still have these thoughts. I can picture both my parents die a sudden death (note the word sudden - being suddenly separated). Every time I have a discussion with my boyfriend, I think he will leave me. I've always struggled with anxiety, and always thought that everyone would leave me (family, friends, boyfriend) because they can no longer stand me or my problems. Which, of course, causes even more anxiety. I don't think anyone truly likes me, and I am sure my friends and boyfriend will leave me.

My therapist thinks that my brutal birth may have contributed to the personality I developed as a young and adult. I have a hard time believing that something happening to an infant can have such an impact at later stages in life, but it really does add up. I became more vulnerable and prone to separation anxiety. Remember that the first hours and days with the mother is highly important for a newborn child.

So this was my story - not too similar to yours, but to show you that I know about separation anxiety and fear of abandonment, as well as being very dependent on other people's approval.

Edit: Sorry for all the parentheses - I know it can be a little annoying to read.

[JohnC]

Cheese and rice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think my wife has a huge smile on her face when i leave the house. Where were all you ladies when i was dating? :)
NOT trying to take away from the seriousness of your situation but just trying to add some humor. But really, where were you all? Peace to ya.

[Lilac]

Haha, JohnC, sometimes, when I actually want to be alone, I can get upset if he's home :p Poor guy.

But I think you should be grateful your wife is not hysterical and dependent on you ;) I used to be like that with my boyfriend too, but when this health anxiety took me, I became even more scared of being alone because that's when the OCD starts, and I use the whole day in front of the mirror checking my body, etc.

Anyway, I thought your comment was funny :D

[JohnC]

I am with you Lilac. health anxiety is a wicked thing and i suffered with it since i was young, got it from my mom. It kind of comes and goes for me. I may go months with no problem then something may not be right with me and the off my mind goes to the worst, usually " C " do not even want to type the word, LOL. Peace to ya ( at work so gotta keep it short )

[Kixxi]

Hi

I'm having a horribly anxious morning, feel like I just want to crawl out of my skin. I've been off of work for a week with my husband for vacation and I have to go back to work. It seems I get really messed up when my routine changes, and now I'm used to him being around. I keep picturing myself flipping out or losing it when he leaves or on my way to work. Realistically I know this isn't true, I know you can't go crazy from a panic attack but I picture myself losing control and calling an ambulance. I've taken .5 of clonazepam already waiting for that to kick in. I'm on 10mg of prozac and I've noticed my anxiety steadily getting worse, I talked to my psychiatrist about this, she said it should get better or we can switch to another med. SSRI's haven't helped much with anxiety in the past they help with anger & depression but don't touch my anxiety, I had a psychiatrist diagnose me with PTSD due to childhood trauma and suggested EFT therapy because supposedly my brain chemistry is changed due to trauma and SSRI's don't help but the brain understands the tapping. I had to stop seeing him due to insurance reasons and I told my new doctor all this, and she just smiled and said nothing. I only went on prozac because I was a raging angry mess, now I feel like a anxious mess again :( anyone going through anything like this or understand, feeling really lonely and scared.

Hi cyn,

Don't worry. We all have days where we feel like we are losing control. I still get severe anxiety attacks, but I'm getting better. There are always some underlying issues we have to deal with before we can deal with our own mind. Reading your story I think you need a new doctor... You cannot have a doctor that doesn't understand your problem. You need the proper treatment and proper help, you deserve this. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I've gone through so much with anxiety and I understand how you feel right now. I ended up in the emergency room every other day, my first doctor wouldn't believe me, my second one said it's all in your head and there's nothing to do... The third one however got me on the right track, told me what to do to deal with this horrible feeling.

I can tell you cyn, there is not one solution. There are multiple. I realised that I could only get better by trying a multitude of things.

Here are some of the things I currently do to try and banish my anxiety:
1. Meditation (Daily for at least a half hour) - Try and find a meditation video that appeals to you. This can be for relaxation or just to boost your self-esteem.
2. Exercise (At least 5 days a week) - I usually do yoga, since it also trains your breathing as well as your body.
3. Counter my negative thinking (daily) - I write down all the negative thoughts I have and try to counter them with a positive thought.
4. Write down positives and successes (daily)
5. Relaxation & Breathing Exercises.
6. Medication - I am currently on Sertraline/Zoloft (100mg) but I would only advice meds as a last resort. I been on these tablets for nearly seven years and I hardly feel them working any more. So only a short period of time and as a necessity I'd say. Some might disagree with me and have better experiences.
7. Talk to a friend about it - I mainly use the forum, as nobody understand me better than these guys.

[cyncyn]

Thank you so much for the support and advice everyone :). It helps me to know I'm not alone.

Lilac, we have more in common than either of us knew. I was born severely under weight due to a placenta deficiency the last month of my mother carrying me. I was literally starving & losing oxygen, my mother said I was very active kicking & etc until the last month. Upon my birth they discovered the placenta problem and I too was put in a incubator. My mother said I was so weak I squeaked inside of crying. The doctors advised her not to have more children which wasn't hard since I am the youngest of six. My mother was home all the time as well until my father lost his job and she went to college to learn nursing to support the family. I went from being around only family to strangers which did something to me. I'm too embarrassed still to talk about what behaviors I exhibited to suggest I was sexually abused but my family being ignorant to what was really going on shamed me terribly for it. I still carry guilt & shame even though as an adult I know I wasn't to blame. I too feel like someday my husband will say enough of this crap I can't take it. My mother had an affair on my father & left us, I believe that's also where my deep distrust and low self esteem come in, growing up I always had the belief someone only loves you until someone better comes along.

I know I should find a new counselor but after 28 years of counseling I'm tired of telling my story and getting no where. I usually bury these feelings and sometimes they rear their ugly head. I actually had a psychiatrist wanting to preform an exorcism on me! Needless to say I don't see him anymore and he was Harvard educated! He did change my diagnosis from panic attacks with agoraphobia to PTSD, and understood me but when he wanted to do that I was out. He said I had anger issues, ha!

Thanks for the support, I'll keep on keeping on :)

[Kixxi]

Thank you so much for the support and advice everyone :). It helps me to know I'm not alone.

Lilac, we have more in common than either of us knew. I was born severely under weight due to a placenta deficiency the last month of my mother carrying me. I was literally starving & losing oxygen, my mother said I was very active kicking & etc until the last month. Upon my birth they discovered the placenta problem and I too was put in a incubator. My mother said I was so weak I squeaked inside of crying. The doctors advised her not to have more children which wasn't hard since I am the youngest of six. My mother was home all the time as well until my father lost his job and she went to college to learn nursing to support the family. I went from being around only family to strangers which did something to me. I'm too embarrassed still to talk about what behaviors I exhibited to suggest I was sexually abused but my family being ignorant to what was really going on shamed me terribly for it. I still carry guilt & shame even though as an adult I know I wasn't to blame. I too feel like someday my husband will say enough of this crap I can't take it. My mother had an affair on my father & left us, I believe that's also where my deep distrust and low self esteem come in, growing up I always had the belief someone only loves you until someone better comes along.

I know I should find a new counselor but after 28 years of counseling I'm tired of telling my story and getting no where. I usually bury these feelings and sometimes they rear their ugly head. I actually had a psychiatrist wanting to preform an exorcism on me! Needless to say I don't see him anymore and he was Harvard educated! He did change my diagnosis from panic attacks with agoraphobia to PTSD, and understood me but when he wanted to do that I was out. He said I had anger issues, ha!

Thanks for the support, I'll keep on keeping on :)

You're doing a great job just by being here and finding support. That is a huge leap to recovery!