OCD about sexual orientation?

[savingkie]

Hi! As a little background information, I'm high school-aged, and I've been suffering with OCD since around age 5. The topics have almost always been consistent in its themes, as it normally surrounds a fear of hurting myself and a fear of losing control/going crazy/being considered "weird" or "mentally ill". Recently, I've been having some other issues. My fear of hurting myself has mostly subsided, but now I find that a new theme has emerged- and it surrounds my sexual orientation. I remember back in 6th grade, I got some nasty images and intrusive thoughts having to do with kissing my friends, and it disgusted me for a week or so, but I soon brushed it off and didn't overthink it, as I was so young. (In sixth grade, I was also getting intrusive thoughts about being afraid of killing/hurting myself as well.) I don't know what sparked it, but recently I've been really scared that I'm a lesbian. I've been having thoughts that tell me I'm attracted to girls, and every time I have one of those thoughts, I get a shiver through my body, it's a really weird rush, and I think it's anxiety. I'll think of a boy that I think is cute, and then I get a thought that says "You're not into boys, you're into girls" and I hate it so much. I then examine all my behaviors and see if any of them are indicitave of me not liking boys.There's no way I can talk to my therapist or parents about this, as I don't want to say it out loud because I don't want it to be reality. I want to be straight and have no issues like this! It's even worse because my dad is really against gays as he's very conservative, and I'm very conservative too, so I really can't have this happen to me. I'm even more scared, as at my age, people normally start to figure out their sexuality, and I'm scared that mine is changing. Every time I get an intrusive thought that suggests that I'm lesbian, I always follow it up with "No, no I'm not, there's no way" but I'm really scared that the thoughts are real. I keep doubting myself over whether or not it's just OCD, and it's really scaring me and making me uncomfortable. I find girls pretty, but I would never want to be in a relationship with one. Is it bad that I think some girls are pretty? I don't think it in a "wow I wish I could date them" way, it's definitely not like that. Please help me, I've been talking to guys but it actually sparks my OCD so it makes it really hard to get into a relationship with a guy, as it brings on a lot of anxious thoughts for me. Please help, is this OCD or should I actually be worried about being a lesbian?

[grcboy77]

We all have strange sexual thoughts and dreams from time to time.
The question is are you:

Worrying about if the thoughts make you strange, or;
Worried about what might happen if you are a lesbian.

If you are lesbian, is that really such a bad thing? If so, how?

[Im-Suffering]

Hi! As a little background information..........

I want to be straight and have no issues like this! It's even worse because my dad is really against gays as he's very conservative, and I'm very conservative too,?

Here is the only pertinent information in the original post, what is bolded in the above quote. The cause of the anxiety, obsessive thinking, and fears in this individual. The sins of the father truly past down to his children, who innately resent those erroneous beliefs, yet are helpless in fighting them. Daddys little girl. And a case against ignorant children having children. The plight of the world.

In the case here, conservative is misguided and idiotic. These world views passed down as a curse through the generations. Look what it has done to this child. Thoughts of this nature lead to hate, low self worth, esteem, low value, intolerance, anger, resentment, bigotry, guilt, shame, remorse, and destroy the spirit.

No wonder the self in rebellion has destructive thoughts contrary to its very nature. Listen up parents! Woe to you, ignorant humans who hurt your childrens soul ! For you will destroy yourself in the process !

Watch out humans, yes you reading this (future readers), in ignorance, hatred, raising a child, for your time will come. What you do, feel, say, and act out toward others will about face and rip your very soul out from under you.

And to you savingkie, your parents are not gods, they are fallible, faulty, ignorant foolish humans. With misguided beliefs. Your issues stem from innate conflicts within you as you reject their ideals, especially the father figure. These ideals are not facts, but assumptions about life. Examine your beliefs, for what you believe to be true may violate your senses. Not only get rid of these lies, but get rid of these parents ! (When you can). Be alert and watchful, in the meantime. Be you, find you, period.

If you are in therapy, give this post printed to your therapist.

End of intense message, period.

No further posts needed in this thread. Do not come in to display more ignorance.

[Kuma]

I'm Suffering -- I find many of your posts, including this one, to be bizarre -- with all the underling and emphasis and the arrogant, holier-than-thou, "I have all the answers" tone. The girl says she and her father are conservative, and you say conservative is idiotic -- and you imply that because her parents are idiots, they should not have had children, and that she should get rid of her parents. How is any of that even slightly helpful? Look, I agree with you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being lesbian, or gay, or bisexual, and that parental views toward homosexuality can cause gay and lesbian children very unfortunate stress. But the way you express your point is insulting and counterproductive.

Now to the OP -- you are in a tough spot because you are having some thoughts about attraction to girls, and yet you do not want to have those thoughts -- both because you do not "want to be a lesbian" and because your father would not want you to be a lesbian. My guess is you might also be concerned about what some of your friends and some other people in your community might think about this. Those concerns are totally understandable and many people in the past have had similar concerns. So nothing you are feeling is at all strange or weird or unusual. Really, there are hundreds of thousands of young people who have been exactly where you are now.

What I would say is this: You do not need to decide, now, definitively whether you are a lesbian or you are straight. You can be friends with girls, and if you are attracted to some of them - so be it. You can also be friends with boys, and if you are attracted to any of them, then that is fine. And if you are not attracted to any of them, that is fine too. Don't let this whole thing get you too upset or anxious or stressed. Don't worry about who you are or are not attracted to. Don't worry about whether you will be lesbian or straight or whatever. You don't have to decide that now. Just see how it goes.

You say you cannot talk with your therapist about this, but I really think you can. Therapy is confidential, with VERY limited exceptions, and this issue would not be an exception. I think you will find a discussion with your therapist helpful. They have no doubt dealt with this situation many times, and can help you understand how others have dealt with it. You probably feel alone, but as I said many, many girls (and boys) have dealt with this. So I urge you to have a conversation about it with your therapist. He or she will not judge you, but may help you sort through what you are feeling.

If it turns out, over time, that you feel like you are more attracted to girls, there really is nothing wrong with that. These days discrimination against gay and lesbian people is looked down on. So if turns out that you are attracted to girls and not to boys, then you should not be at all embarrassed. I know lots of gay and lesbian people who are happy and successful and well respected.

It might be a tough conversation with your dad, but I bet, in the end, he loves his daughter and will want her to be happy. Many very conservative guys have had their views changed when someone in their family, who they love and respect, turns out to be gay. And your true friends will support you too.

But for now, you don't have to make a decision about "what you are." Just relax, accept whatever thoughts you are having as a normal part of teenage development, because they are! And try to have some fun; don't let this consume you. This will all sort itself out, over time. Best wishes, Kuma

[tired0319]

Savingkie, search HOCD. There are some other threads about this.

[tired0319]

For all of those trying to help (I know you mean well ;) but please refrain from saying "so what if you're gay." That is going to cause her to spike. It's like telling a hypochondriac "so what if you have cancer." Or someone with a driving phobia "so what if you get in a car wreck."

It's funny... Perspective... I can read about someone else's fear/anxiety & think that's not so bad... Wish I was afraid of that instead of... But we all have to deal with the fearful thoughts, panic, sick feeling, sleeplessness, etc. the triggers are just different ;)

[Im-Suffering]

I'm Suffering -- I find many of your posts, including this one, to be bizarre -- with all the underling and emphasis and the arrogant, holier-than-thou, "I have all the answers" tone. The girl says she and her father are conservative, and you say conservative is idiotic -- and you imply that because her parents are idiots, they should not have had children, and that she should get rid of her parents. How is any of that even slightly helpful? Look, I agree with you that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being lesbian, or gay, or bisexual, and that parental views toward homosexuality can cause gay and lesbian children very unfortunate stress. But the way you express your point is insulting and counterproductive.

Now to the OP -- you are in a tough spot because you are having some thoughts about attraction to girls, and yet you do not want to have those thoughts -- both because you do not "want to be a lesbian" and because your father would not want you to be a lesbian. My guess is you might also be concerned about what some of your friends and some other people in your community might think about this. Those concerns are totally understandable and many people in the past have had similar concerns. So nothing you are feeling is at all strange or weird or unusual. Really, there are hundreds of thousands of young people who have been exactly where you are now.

What I would say is this: You do not need to decide, now, definitively whether you are a lesbian or you are straight. You can be friends with girls, and if you are attracted to some of them - so be it. You can also be friends with boys, and if you are attracted to any of them, then that is fine. And if you are not attracted to any of them, that is fine too. Don't let this whole thing get you too upset or anxious or stressed. Don't worry about who you are or are not attracted to. Don't worry about whether you will be lesbian or straight or whatever. You don't have to decide that now. Just see how it goes.

You say you cannot talk with your therapist about this, but I really think you can. Therapy is confidential, with VERY limited exceptions, and this issue would not be an exception. I think you will find a discussion with your therapist helpful. They have no doubt dealt with this situation many times, and can help you understand how others have dealt with it. You probably feel alone, but as I said many, many girls (and boys) have dealt with this. So I urge you to have a conversation about it with your therapist. He or she will not judge you, but may help you sort through what you are feeling.

If it turns out, over time, that you feel like you are more attracted to girls, there really is nothing wrong with that. These days discrimination against gay and lesbian people is looked down on. So if turns out that you are attracted to girls and not to boys, then you should not be at all embarrassed. I know lots of gay and lesbian people who are happy and successful and well respected.

It might be a tough conversation with your dad, but I bet, in the end, he loves his daughter and will want her to be happy. Many very conservative guys have had their views changed when someone in their family, who they love and respect, turns out to be gay. And your true friends will support you too.

But for now, you don't have to make a decision about "what you are." Just relax, accept whatever thoughts you are having as a normal part of teenage development, because they are! And try to have some fun; don't let this consume you. This will all sort itself out, over time. Best wishes, Kuma

This OP has nothing to do with sexual preference, it just happens to be the topic of the day in a conflicted mind. Also, you cannot piecemeal my post and take bits out of context. The obsessive thoughts have a reason and to the thinker, a purpose, no matter the topic. So discussing if one is gay, etc is of no significance here. That is crafty camouflage. It conflicts the OP because of her inherited beliefs, and masks her true self from clearly seeing who she is. The shame and guilt are meant to expose these false beliefs, for to her being gay would be a form of self harm. Not a physical cut. But most certainly a blow to the family ideals who find such lifestyles repugnant and unholy. (In the fathers terms).

You might as well bake a cake and just eat the icing, when confronted deny that there is even a cake there. Read between the lines, not the smoke and mirrors typed in the OP. Whether this OP or another, most are camouflage, a dance designed to protect the identity. While sending out little feelers to probe and test the waters.

[Kuma]

tired - you raise an interesting point, which is worthy of serious consideration. But, ultimately, I don't think I agree with you. Getting cancer or getting in a serious car wreck are, objectively, very bad events. They are fairly low risk, but if they happen, it is not good. Being gay is not, objectively, a bad event. Nobody is happy they got cancer or in a car wreck, but plenty of people are happy that they are gay -- including many people who, initially, were afraid about coming out.

When I was doing CBT, one of the points my therapist made was to learn to distinguish between things you are afraid of that would, objectively, be a disaster, if they were to occur, and things I might be afraid of that, upon further thought and careful analysis, might really not be so bad. He encouraged me to think about "if this did happen, how would I deal with it? How could I make it OK for me? What steps would I take?" etc. So I think it is perfectly OK to say to the OP "you might not be gay -- you don't have to decide that now -- but if you are gay, you will be fine -- it is not as bad as you fear it might be -- and you will be able to deal with whatever bumps in the road there may be, just as many others have."

[Dahila]

This OP has nothing to do with sexual preference, it just happens to be the topic of the day in a conflicted mind. Also, you cann8t piecemeal my post and take bits out of context. The obsessive thoughts have a conscious reason, no matter the topic. So discussing the right to be gay, etc is of no significance here.
Tell me who cares about your opinions here? I rather see people who omit your posts, are you in an institution right now Im?
You are really suffering with something which causes you to believe to be a some kind of prophet and healer.
Healer - heals , healer does not cause harm. You must decide what you are; the medium or the healer, or the prophet? The analyzing, you trying to do here, does not belong to category of help. Help and support; look at kuma post, he is helping and supporting.
to to Original poster; just relax, do not read post that make you anxious, your parents will love you no matter what. They know you the best. It is not important the sexual orientation as long as you are good person doing no harm to others or animals. it is difficult to decide what you are sometimes. the talk with therapist can be very beneficial.
You need to remember that it is just forum; open for everyone, and we get all kind of weird people here. On the same time we have a group of great friends here, who help others:)

Imsuff I know that you will post something insulting :)) I do not care, you channel to your heart desire:))

[snowberry]

Hi! As a little background information, I'm high school-aged, and I've been suffering with OCD since around age 5. The topics have almost always been consistent in its themes, as it normally surrounds a fear of hurting myself and a fear of losing control/going crazy/being considered "weird" or "mentally ill". Recently, I've been having some other issues. My fear of hurting myself has mostly subsided, but now I find that a new theme has emerged- and it surrounds my sexual orientation. I remember back in 6th grade, I got some nasty images and intrusive thoughts having to do with kissing my friends, and it disgusted me for a week or so, but I soon brushed it off and didn't overthink it, as I was so young. (In sixth grade, I was also getting intrusive thoughts about being afraid of killing/hurting myself as well.) I don't know what sparked it, but recently I've been really scared that I'm a lesbian. I've been having thoughts that tell me I'm attracted to girls, and every time I have one of those thoughts, I get a shiver through my body, it's a really weird rush, and I think it's anxiety. I'll think of a boy that I think is cute, and then I get a thought that says "You're not into boys, you're into girls" and I hate it so much. I then examine all my behaviors and see if any of them are indicitave of me not liking boys.There's no way I can talk to my therapist or parents about this, as I don't want to say it out loud because I don't want it to be reality. I want to be straight and have no issues like this! It's even worse because my dad is really against gays as he's very conservative, and I'm very conservative too, so I really can't have this happen to me. I'm even more scared, as at my age, people normally start to figure out their sexuality, and I'm scared that mine is changing. Every time I get an intrusive thought that suggests that I'm lesbian, I always follow it up with "No, no I'm not, there's no way" but I'm really scared that the thoughts are real. I keep doubting myself over whether or not it's just OCD, and it's really scaring me and making me uncomfortable. I find girls pretty, but I would never want to be in a relationship with one. Is it bad that I think some girls are pretty? I don't think it in a "wow I wish I could date them" way, it's definitely not like that. Please help me, I've been talking to guys but it actually sparks my OCD so it makes it really hard to get into a relationship with a guy, as it brings on a lot of anxious thoughts for me. Please help, is this OCD or should I actually be worried about being a lesbian?


Honestly OP, this is bog-standard 'thought' OCD. Nothing you have said indicates that you are gay or even bi. You have thought about kissing people of the same gender? Well congratulations, join the majority of the human race. Wondering what it would be like doesn't make one gay. Thinking a girl is pretty doesn't make you gay. I'm guessing you've been quite sheltered.

What really worries me about your post is the attitude you have towards being gay, because that is the REAL problem here - being gay or thinking you are gay is not causing you to have this problem, it's your prejudices that have caused it. For example, you didn't just imagine kissing another girl, you had 'nasty' images of kissing them. You're not struggling with your sexuality, you're worried because being gay is an 'issue' that your precious little conservative self doesn't want to deal with. I think the real tragedy here is that this OCD doesn't seem to have given you any sort of insight into how difficult it can be to struggle with being gay - there's no empathy in your post at all.

If you want to start getting better, you need to deal with your attitude to gay people. As long as you see it as a bad thing, you're going to suffer these problems because that's how OCD works - it magnifies a fear. Stop fearing and looking down on homosexuality, and you might get your life back on track.

[Im-Suffering]

Honestly OP, this is bog-standard 'thought' OCD. Nothing you have said indicates that you are gay or even bi. You have thought about kissing people of the same gender? Well congratulations, join the majority of the human race. Wondering what it would be like doesn't make one gay. Thinking a girl is pretty doesn't make you gay. I'm guessing you've been quite sheltered.

What really worries me about your post is the attitude you have towards being gay, because that is the REAL problem here - being gay or thinking you are gay is not causing you to have this problem, it's your prejudices that have caused it. For example, you didn't just imagine kissing another girl, you had 'nasty' images of kissing them. You're not struggling with your sexuality, you're worried because being gay is an 'issue' that your precious little conservative self doesn't want to deal with. I think the real tragedy here is that this OCD doesn't seem to have given you any sort of insight into how difficult it can be to struggle with being gay - there's no empathy in your post at all.

If you want to start getting better, you need to deal with your attitude to gay people. As long as you see it as a bad thing, you're going to suffer these problems because that's how OCD works - it magnifies a fear. Stop fearing and looking down on homosexuality, and you might get your life back on track.

Well said, but again sexual preference is just the topic of the day. Managing to surpress it, another will grow out of the psyche to take its place.

[tired0319]

Kuma, I totally understand what you are saying. In my opinion you can't view from a worldly view point. I agree, of course being gay is not a bad thing... Like cancer or a car wreck... I made a bad analogy. BUT to her fearful mind it is. Many people who have this form of intrusive thought have also feared loosing control, going crazy, hurting others... It all boils down to the idea that they have a secret identity, that goes against what they believe to be their true self... Something is wrong. And that thought becomes an obsession.

[Kuma]

Snowberry -- your email message urges empathy, but it does not show empathy. (Indeed, with phrases such as "your precious little conservative self" it shows the opposite of empathy).

You want the OP to empathize with the struggles of (some) gay people.

But you don't show empathy for someone who has struggled with intrusive and unwanted thoughts, and is now struggling with issues surrounding her affectional orientation.

I find your post to be far less empathetic than the OP's post. And I do not trust people who urge one sort of behavior, but at the same time practice another sort of behavior.

[Im-Suffering]

Kuma, I totally understand what you are saying. In my opinion you can't view from a worldly view point. I agree, of course being gay is not a bad thing... Like cancer or a car wreck... I made a bad analogy. BUT to her fearful mind it is. Many people who have this form of intrusive thought have also feared loosing control, going crazy, hurting others... It all boils down to the idea that they have a secret identity, that goes against what they believe to be their true self... Something is wrong. And that thought becomes an obsession.

The personality splits under psychological duress. However..

An illness is always a failure to solve a mental or psychological problem in the correct manner . . . The energy that would be used to solve the problem instead is spent maintaining the illness. It is therefore necessary that an attempt be made as soon as possible to solve the problem, which of course must first be discovered by the ego, which has avoided it.

In the household of the OP, there is no recognition of an issue - the (family) beliefs are considered sound and the illness the fault of the individual who has seemingly lost their sensibilities, thus the energies are misspent and misdirected,