Am I depressed?

[kaybeee]

I first experienced anxiety 5 years ago. Then, for a looong time I didn't experience it at all. I would only experience it when I went to the dentist because that's what originally triggered it. I had a bad experience and every time I would go back to the dentist I could barely step into the office and I would cry when they called my name. I started experiencing similar anxiety symptoms at my part time job and I starting feeling no appetite and lightheadedness so I told my boss I needed a break. She's extremely understanding so she let me have a break. I got a physical done by the doctor and I told her about my anxiety in the past and how I would experience similar feelings at work and she didn't seem too concerned. When I would start feeling sick at work, I would call someone in to cover my shift and on my last day at work, I felt really hopeless like I would never be able to work again. I had no motivation to do things for a while and I didn't find doing my favorite hobbies as pleasurable anymore. I thought about how if I died right then and there I guess I wouldn't care because I hated that feeling. Well, eventually it went away. I stopped feeling stressed from work because I was taking a break and I worked on things around the house, focusing on moving and starting school in the fall. I was feeling much better. And then I read on here that many people have found success in taking magnesium for their anxiety. I started taking the magnesium and whenever I was in a situation that would normally make me feel anxious, I noticed I wouldn't feel the same anxiety symptoms. I actually felt normal. It came to a point where I didn't need to take it every day. I was only taking it for about a week, but I felt better even just taking it once every two days. Then just recently (this morning actually...) my thoughts about how I don't care about anything came back. For example, I love my boyfriend, but sometimes when he texts me I don't care. Sometimes I think that if I just stopped talking to him, I wouldn't care, but I know that he would and when he says cute things in his texts I still get butterflies and I still smile (so I guess that's a good sign?). Or sometimes I think about how I would just rather live at home with my parents for the rest of my life and not move and go away for school (but at the same time I'm really excited to move away and start school) and my thoughts about me dying (not necessarily committing suicide) came back too, of how I wouldn't care if I died right now, but I know that everyone else I love would miss me.

Is this because I need to take my magnesium on a daily basis? These thoughts are definitely not normal for me. Before my anxiety came back recently, I loved life. I had so many hobbies and my love for them came back, but I feel very up and down. I have thought that dying would just be so much easier because then I wouldn't have to worry about my anxiety or about other people, but I have never thought that in my life before until now. Also, I haven't shared any of this with my boyfriend because our relationship is fairly new. I'm afraid that he's going to be much too concerned and suggest I take anti depressants or something. I really don't want to take meds though...

I'm so sorry if this post sounds confusing, but I'm confused too. :/

Also, I noticed I don't give too much attention to these thoughts (dying, etc.) if I am focused on something else or if I am busy, but then when I'm alone and just thinking, I start thinking maybe it would be easiest to just die right now.

I'm also still in the mood to do things. I know this sounds so strange. I still want to take the dog out for a walk and I still want to go out and walk around. There are some things that I really don't want to do though, like go out to dinner or go out to a bar with some friends (even though I used to enjoy going out to dinner with friends...)

And I'm on my period right now too...not sure if that's relevant.