MissCKC
06-05-2008, 08:24 PM
Well, this is really difficult for me to write about so I hope that someone will respond. Also, this is pretty long. You have been warned!
I have been having really horrible thoughts lately. I live with my fiance and our black lab. I love them both more than anything in this world. Lately, I have been having these repetitive thoughts that are really freaking me out. I have been having thoughts of hurting them. This terrifies me! I have read on here before that being afraid of hurting others is something that has been experienced by some people with anxiety, but I feel like my thoughts are on a completely different level. I have these random visions of me picking up a knife and than other random visions of me hurting them. I can't stand this! I keep telling myself that I would never do it but this one memory keeps popping into my head. I remember one day when I was a kid and I was playing with my babydoll and I threw the doll on the ground and stomped on its head. Than I picked it up and slammed it against the floor. I remember feeling some kind of satisfaction from this. When looking back on this I get scared that maybe all along I have been a violent person. This makes me feel that maybe I really am capable of hurting my fiance or our lab. I am almost to the point where I am ready to commit myself to the mental hospital. I don't want to hurt anybody! I feel guilty for even thinking about it.
I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for having these thoughts. My fiance is someone that I have always been able to talk to about anything that has to do with my anxiety...but with this I feel too awful to tell him about it. He has always been the one to tell me that I am not crazy when I am feeling like I am...but I'm scared that with this he might actually believe that I am crazy. I'm scared that I am really loosing it. I love them so much and hate that I have these repetitive thoughts about harming them.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else on this forum understands what I mean, or if I truly am a crazy person. Do you think that my episode with my babydoll means that I could possibly be a dangerous person? Of all the anxiety symptoms I have experienced (I have experienced A LOT of them) this is definitely the worst for me. My fiance is my support and has never left my side throughout all of this so I don't understand why this is happening. Does anyone have any insight or reassurance that they can offer me? I'm pretty scared at this point. I cry when I think about it. I don't want to be crazy and I don't want to hurt anyone! :cry:
I have been having really horrible thoughts lately. I live with my fiance and our black lab. I love them both more than anything in this world. Lately, I have been having these repetitive thoughts that are really freaking me out. I have been having thoughts of hurting them. This terrifies me! I have read on here before that being afraid of hurting others is something that has been experienced by some people with anxiety, but I feel like my thoughts are on a completely different level. I have these random visions of me picking up a knife and than other random visions of me hurting them. I can't stand this! I keep telling myself that I would never do it but this one memory keeps popping into my head. I remember one day when I was a kid and I was playing with my babydoll and I threw the doll on the ground and stomped on its head. Than I picked it up and slammed it against the floor. I remember feeling some kind of satisfaction from this. When looking back on this I get scared that maybe all along I have been a violent person. This makes me feel that maybe I really am capable of hurting my fiance or our lab. I am almost to the point where I am ready to commit myself to the mental hospital. I don't want to hurt anybody! I feel guilty for even thinking about it.
I feel so ashamed and embarrassed for having these thoughts. My fiance is someone that I have always been able to talk to about anything that has to do with my anxiety...but with this I feel too awful to tell him about it. He has always been the one to tell me that I am not crazy when I am feeling like I am...but I'm scared that with this he might actually believe that I am crazy. I'm scared that I am really loosing it. I love them so much and hate that I have these repetitive thoughts about harming them.
I guess what I'm trying to ask is if anyone else on this forum understands what I mean, or if I truly am a crazy person. Do you think that my episode with my babydoll means that I could possibly be a dangerous person? Of all the anxiety symptoms I have experienced (I have experienced A LOT of them) this is definitely the worst for me. My fiance is my support and has never left my side throughout all of this so I don't understand why this is happening. Does anyone have any insight or reassurance that they can offer me? I'm pretty scared at this point. I cry when I think about it. I don't want to be crazy and I don't want to hurt anyone! :cry: