Not sure *how* worried to be about sick mom (anyone's experiences would be so valued)

[pocketsfullofstones]

I’m having a lot of anxiety about my mom’s health tonight and I really need to talk about it.

My mom had a hip replacement in May 2014. This was done to repair a first hip surgery done in 2004, 10 years ago. She is 62 and has had other health problems like high blood pressure and high cholesterol in the past, but all of this has been under control with the use of medication and lifestyle changes. She also had Type II diabetes in the past, but lost over 100 pounds about 6 or 7 years ago, developed a much healthier diet, and all of her bloodwork says that she is no longer a diabetic (I think that’s how it’d be described?). She takes her blood pressure and her other vitals every day, and they are always normal and healthy.

Since this 2014 surgery, she fell for the first time in early June. She was cleaning the bathtub and slipped in a puddle of water. She dislocated her hip, but had it fixed in the emergency room and was sent home that night. When this happened, she was given a brace to help prevent a dislocation again.

The second time was a couple of weeks later, right before Father’s Day. She was getting out of the car at a gas station and fell because she didn’t see the changes in height of the curb. I should note that my dad called to tell me this news and he was crying, and this was the first time I’d ever heard him cry, and I’m sure that has something to do with how badly it scared me and why it made me so anxious. Also, my mom was not using her walker when she fell, and understands that this was a mistake.

The third time was last week. She was out shopping and slipped. I want to note here that the EMT who came to help her up said that this isn’t the first time he’s been called out to this exact location of the store, and he said the store is probably at fault for having slippery floors.

So, while I’m sure someone *even without* anxiety would be concerned and making sure their parent was going to see their doctor and at least making sure nothing bad had happened to the hip, my concern has grown into full-blown anxiety that my mother is going to fall and die. I read the statistics that say death only occurs in 1% of seniors who fall, and those deaths are usually linked with a co-morbidity, but I’m still terrified. I’m scared when she doesn’t return my emails. I’m too scared to look at my phone because I worry that it’ll either be my dad or the hospital leaving a message. I’m having the same kind of full-blown panic attacks I had when I was younger.

I have friends whose mothers have cancer or heart disease or are in end stage renal failure due to diabetes, but I don’t think any of them are as constantly worried as I am.

I don’t know if I should relax and tell myself that her accidental falls are just something I need to understand will happen as she recovers and that I should talk to my doctor about my increased anxiety, or if I should be genuinely concerned for her life.

I keep telling myself that she isn’t sick, she’s just injured, but I don’t know if this is me being rational or if I’m in denial.

Also, if it makes a difference, I’m 26 and live about 4 hours away from my parents. I lived with them for 2 years because I was recovering from a horrible depression/suicidal spell and only recently felt well enough to live on my own again. I’m thinking part of this anxiety might come from homesickness and missing her.

[Kuma]

Hey Pockets. It is admirable that you are concerned about your mom's health; it shows you have good character. I thought I would respond since I have gone through a lot over the years with my parents' health -- including my dad's hip replacement (and later -- totally unrelated to the hip, of course, he died of cancer) and now my mother's very serious cancer. Some anxiety about these things is natural. You get worried about people that you care about. Of course, if the anxiety is disabling, or interfering with your ability to function, then you need to talk with a doctor or therapist about it. But some level of worry about your mom is natural and I do not think pathological. I can tell you that I worried/worry a lot about my parents' health. But I just think that is natural -- just as your parents worried about you when you were young (and maybe still do...)

For what its worth, based on what you wrote, I do not think your mom's life is at risk. She is still pretty young and while the falls can be painful -- and slow the recovery from the hip replacement -- they are not the type of thing that tends to kill people. When you hear about "elderly" people dying as a result of a fall, they tend to be references to people who are at least in their 80s and typically with other serious health problems or frailty. I would be VERY surprised to hear a woman in her 60s who is otherwise in reasonably good health dying from a fall. So I would encourage your mom to be careful as she continues her recovery -- and maybe visit her when you can and offer to do some errands for her -- but don't worry too much. In all likelihood, she will recover from the surgery and the falls and go on to lead a normal life.

Best wishes, Kuma


* I am not a medical professional and nothing I write on this board is medical advice.

[JohnC]

Hi Pockets, Welcome to the forum and sorry to her your having a rough go of it. I too worry about my parents and i have and still dealing with two aging parents and like you i live away from my parents. I have been through the broken hips, shattered ankle, pneumonia, bad heart valve etc, etc.
I worry all the time like every time my phone rings worry. I think KUMA is correct in saying that we worry about our parents like they worried about us plus it is also a reality check on our own mortality. I guess in the end all we can do is be there for them and give all the support you can. Best of luck and i think that your mom will have many more good years because it sounds like she is doing all the right things.