MyOwnMind
07-15-2014, 07:03 AM
Hi... I dont know if this is a cry for help or a confession of something..
Im not sure if this is the right place to post this so i apologize if it isnt..
Its quite a long read so ill try to make it as short as possible..
Im trying to find out who and what i am because i honestly dont know..
My name is Nich, im 19 years old, Diagnosed with Hyperkinetic Conduct Disorder (ADHD) When i was 18 years old..
I dont know if i do this to get attention.. I dont know if i do it to get sympathy or anything like that, but ill get to that later in the post..
Whats going on, right now, the reason i even notice theres something wrong. And the reason ive made several posts looking for reassurence is because for 8 months now ive had health anxiety. It started one day when i couldn swallow I started to google what it was and my health anxiety spree started.
The first 4-5 Months it was All about physical illness such as Cancer, heart attacks, blood clots, brain tumors, stomach bleeding, stuff like that. After many doctor visits, many test taken, i finally got a scan of my stomach and lungs, and realized that nothing was wrong. I was then worry free for a few days untill i came up on mental illness. Personality Disorders to be exact. I started to read about Personality Disorders and see myself in the traits. I would belive i had the personality disorder. Both with the physical illness and mentall illness i would copy the symptoms i read about. I would think i had symptoms/traits i didn have..
Examble I read about Sociopaths (ASPD) and a trait of those was being emotionless Careless I then thought i was. I started to second guess emotions And then i started to feel less and less emotions, or atleast Think i did. Ive since then been thinking i had, ASPD (Anti social) NPD (Narcissistc) BPD (Borderline) and schizoprhrenia..
im back to thinking i got ASPD and NPD although my pdoc have said i dont have any. I obsess about this I think about it, google it, read about, worry about it every single minute awake Its litterely all i think about. I cant think of my relationship issues because these thoughts will be there.
In every single argument ive had in my life, i have ALWAYS Belived i was right. I kept going untill i got right, litterly the other person would say "your right i get peace" I always belived i was right. Ive failed to see other persons point of view.
That was a little something about whats going on now, and have been going on for 8 months now. When looking back. I think theres always been something "wrong" with me I always felt different I always felt like i didn fit in And id like to write some about me, from when i was younger, some stuff i remember.
Well ever since i was 2 years old my mom suspected i had ADHD, she did ALOT to get me checked out from when i was 2 years old, when she finally got me checked when i was 18 years old. The reason for this is that my dad and my dads mom always said i was just a annoying kid and i didn have ADHD so it never got further..(She even tried to set up meetings when i was living with my dad, and she lived 150 miles away.. I never heard of these meetings, my dad never did anything, only untill i moved back with my mom i got diagnosed.) I have always been hyperactive, i have always blamed everything on my siblings, or said "I didn do it" Id lie. I have always had temper (I dont really anymore.) Ive hit my dad a few times if i didn get my way. Ive hit my siblins alot of times when i was younger, if they embarrased me or, annoyed me. I have always felt bad after i got cooled down again but still, it would happen again. I havnt done it in years. I always ended up in my room crying, i dont know if i cried for myself, if i felt bad for myself, or my actions. Also, everytime ive been really mad, i would start to cry.
I think ive been called fat and lazy about.. My whole life?
In school, ive never felt like i fitted in. I have always tried to fit in Ive always felt outside. I agree im a attention seeker. I was always on the hallway cause i would get trowed out of class cause i couldn focus. If i was done with my stuff i would start to get unfocused and "out of controll" "annoy" the rest of the class. Ive never really done my homework cause ive been forgetting it or couldn focus more than a few minutes. Ive always been trying to be the funny guy Id feel as i fitted in if i made others laugh.
My whole life, i have been hiding, ive been hiding my emotions, ive been hiding who i am Ive "pretended" i was someone who wasnt scared of anything. I would wear "gangster" closeth to seem "scary" so others wouldn look down on me. The thing is im not even near that. Ive always been paranoid, scared of alot, walking alone at night id be scared of people jumping out and all those stuff.. Stuff that could be dangerous to do, ive always been scared to do, but ive done it, if i was close to crying i will laugh instead But im sure people can see its not a real laugh. When i talked to my pdoc, ive been close crying alot of times But instead i just laughed. About being paranoid ive always been scared of heights, other people assulting me, physical fights, ive always been thinking "What if the gas pedal got stuck or break stops working" actually thats everytime im in a car.. If a nother car comes towards us i think "What if it drive into us" "omg what if i took over the wheel and steared it into the other car" and other "ocd" thoughts like "What if i jumped" "What if i suddenly just said fk it all and jumped infront of that car"
To the OCD thing im pretty sure i have alot of that. If i do something with my right hand, i must do it with my left else it will feel weird and i gotte do it with my right again cause now the right hand feels weird, and so on, yea you get the idea.
Ive always been biting in stuff, always doing something with my hands, legs
Sometimes if i walk outside im like "When u reach that stone, you gotte hold your breath untill you are 30 steps longer, else youll die" Ive always been mimicin people If someone would touch their hair, or scratch their arm i would do it too.. If i feel awkward or scared in a social situation i try to hide my face, i will act like im scratching myself or something.. and stuff like that, small stuff like that, (theres obvious alot more.)
Socially, ive been so scared my whole life. I have ALWAYS been so scared of what people think of me.. If i walk down the street i feel as if EVERYONE is looking at me.. i always check shop windows to see if i look stupid. If i meet new people ill be quiet.. Ill be socially awkward.. Everytime a car drives by me, or a person walks by me, i look down in the ground and think "Whats s/he thinking about me, do i look stupid" Mostly i just hide behind this "gangster"
Ive always been nervous around people, special new people and SPECIALLY girls.. ive always been scared to talk to new people, to be embarrased public, to look stupid public.. Everytime ive done something socially i have always thought "When is this gonne be over, i wanne go home" I have only been to a few parties in my life, because im scared of what people will think of me.. Im scared of being social like that.
If i had a crush, id be so scared to admit it.. So scared to fail.. If i see people talk im scared to join the convostation.. If i walked down the street and i saw a group of people around my age i would do anything to find another path.. Cause the times ive had to walk past them my thoughts have been "omg what do they think about me.. will the laugh about me when im walked past them" and thoughts like that..
Ive always felt people where annnoyed by me, and people didn like me..
These thoughts and feelings are everytime im outside, everytime i meet new people, theres probably more social things that scares me but i think you get an idea..
Im even sometimes nervous to be around my own family because. "What do they think"
I have always been a jerk to others, always been the one with the comments..
I think, ive said some stuff sometimes to make myself look better.. Feel better..
I have lied about some stuff, to make myself feel like i fitted in.. I once lied about my uncle being rich, just to impress people and feel like i was apart of them..
I felt bad for lying i think.. I wish i never lied.. But im not sure if it was fear of being caught or guilt.. But i never told the truth because i was embarrased.
Ive always been saying mean stuff verbally (in a joking sense) And id sometimes feel bad after..
I have always had a hard time to apologize. seeing it as weakness, get embarrased if i had to apologize because that would put me lower, and id be scared of what people would think of me, again.
I have never really, been home with friends like that.. I have obvious but, not really..? I became more and more asocial.. started to like being alone more than being with others, playing video games and all.. i think that started when i was around 15, id get asocial..
Ive always been called lazy cause my adhd.. actually i dont know if its my adhd only because, i am indeed a lazy person haha =)..
My first girlfriend i loved.. But at school, we was never together.. I was scared, of being normal i think? I was scared of I dont even know? I wasnt scared to be seen with her, oh no, i loved her and loved that she was mine.. But kissing and talking and just being together public made me scared because "what would others think.."
I think, i have a good heart, but hide it behind my low self esteem.. Behind this facade.. I have always felt bad for people, always felt guilt i think.. I can look at someone who feels sad and i can feel so bad for them. feel like i owe them something.. I know this rules out ASPD and NPD, but honestly alot of other stuff says the opposide, and thats enoughf or me, even when a profecional have said i dont have it..
Im not sure if this is the right place to post this so i apologize if it isnt..
Its quite a long read so ill try to make it as short as possible..
Im trying to find out who and what i am because i honestly dont know..
My name is Nich, im 19 years old, Diagnosed with Hyperkinetic Conduct Disorder (ADHD) When i was 18 years old..
I dont know if i do this to get attention.. I dont know if i do it to get sympathy or anything like that, but ill get to that later in the post..
Whats going on, right now, the reason i even notice theres something wrong. And the reason ive made several posts looking for reassurence is because for 8 months now ive had health anxiety. It started one day when i couldn swallow I started to google what it was and my health anxiety spree started.
The first 4-5 Months it was All about physical illness such as Cancer, heart attacks, blood clots, brain tumors, stomach bleeding, stuff like that. After many doctor visits, many test taken, i finally got a scan of my stomach and lungs, and realized that nothing was wrong. I was then worry free for a few days untill i came up on mental illness. Personality Disorders to be exact. I started to read about Personality Disorders and see myself in the traits. I would belive i had the personality disorder. Both with the physical illness and mentall illness i would copy the symptoms i read about. I would think i had symptoms/traits i didn have..
Examble I read about Sociopaths (ASPD) and a trait of those was being emotionless Careless I then thought i was. I started to second guess emotions And then i started to feel less and less emotions, or atleast Think i did. Ive since then been thinking i had, ASPD (Anti social) NPD (Narcissistc) BPD (Borderline) and schizoprhrenia..
im back to thinking i got ASPD and NPD although my pdoc have said i dont have any. I obsess about this I think about it, google it, read about, worry about it every single minute awake Its litterely all i think about. I cant think of my relationship issues because these thoughts will be there.
In every single argument ive had in my life, i have ALWAYS Belived i was right. I kept going untill i got right, litterly the other person would say "your right i get peace" I always belived i was right. Ive failed to see other persons point of view.
That was a little something about whats going on now, and have been going on for 8 months now. When looking back. I think theres always been something "wrong" with me I always felt different I always felt like i didn fit in And id like to write some about me, from when i was younger, some stuff i remember.
Well ever since i was 2 years old my mom suspected i had ADHD, she did ALOT to get me checked out from when i was 2 years old, when she finally got me checked when i was 18 years old. The reason for this is that my dad and my dads mom always said i was just a annoying kid and i didn have ADHD so it never got further..(She even tried to set up meetings when i was living with my dad, and she lived 150 miles away.. I never heard of these meetings, my dad never did anything, only untill i moved back with my mom i got diagnosed.) I have always been hyperactive, i have always blamed everything on my siblings, or said "I didn do it" Id lie. I have always had temper (I dont really anymore.) Ive hit my dad a few times if i didn get my way. Ive hit my siblins alot of times when i was younger, if they embarrased me or, annoyed me. I have always felt bad after i got cooled down again but still, it would happen again. I havnt done it in years. I always ended up in my room crying, i dont know if i cried for myself, if i felt bad for myself, or my actions. Also, everytime ive been really mad, i would start to cry.
I think ive been called fat and lazy about.. My whole life?
In school, ive never felt like i fitted in. I have always tried to fit in Ive always felt outside. I agree im a attention seeker. I was always on the hallway cause i would get trowed out of class cause i couldn focus. If i was done with my stuff i would start to get unfocused and "out of controll" "annoy" the rest of the class. Ive never really done my homework cause ive been forgetting it or couldn focus more than a few minutes. Ive always been trying to be the funny guy Id feel as i fitted in if i made others laugh.
My whole life, i have been hiding, ive been hiding my emotions, ive been hiding who i am Ive "pretended" i was someone who wasnt scared of anything. I would wear "gangster" closeth to seem "scary" so others wouldn look down on me. The thing is im not even near that. Ive always been paranoid, scared of alot, walking alone at night id be scared of people jumping out and all those stuff.. Stuff that could be dangerous to do, ive always been scared to do, but ive done it, if i was close to crying i will laugh instead But im sure people can see its not a real laugh. When i talked to my pdoc, ive been close crying alot of times But instead i just laughed. About being paranoid ive always been scared of heights, other people assulting me, physical fights, ive always been thinking "What if the gas pedal got stuck or break stops working" actually thats everytime im in a car.. If a nother car comes towards us i think "What if it drive into us" "omg what if i took over the wheel and steared it into the other car" and other "ocd" thoughts like "What if i jumped" "What if i suddenly just said fk it all and jumped infront of that car"
To the OCD thing im pretty sure i have alot of that. If i do something with my right hand, i must do it with my left else it will feel weird and i gotte do it with my right again cause now the right hand feels weird, and so on, yea you get the idea.
Ive always been biting in stuff, always doing something with my hands, legs
Sometimes if i walk outside im like "When u reach that stone, you gotte hold your breath untill you are 30 steps longer, else youll die" Ive always been mimicin people If someone would touch their hair, or scratch their arm i would do it too.. If i feel awkward or scared in a social situation i try to hide my face, i will act like im scratching myself or something.. and stuff like that, small stuff like that, (theres obvious alot more.)
Socially, ive been so scared my whole life. I have ALWAYS been so scared of what people think of me.. If i walk down the street i feel as if EVERYONE is looking at me.. i always check shop windows to see if i look stupid. If i meet new people ill be quiet.. Ill be socially awkward.. Everytime a car drives by me, or a person walks by me, i look down in the ground and think "Whats s/he thinking about me, do i look stupid" Mostly i just hide behind this "gangster"
Ive always been nervous around people, special new people and SPECIALLY girls.. ive always been scared to talk to new people, to be embarrased public, to look stupid public.. Everytime ive done something socially i have always thought "When is this gonne be over, i wanne go home" I have only been to a few parties in my life, because im scared of what people will think of me.. Im scared of being social like that.
If i had a crush, id be so scared to admit it.. So scared to fail.. If i see people talk im scared to join the convostation.. If i walked down the street and i saw a group of people around my age i would do anything to find another path.. Cause the times ive had to walk past them my thoughts have been "omg what do they think about me.. will the laugh about me when im walked past them" and thoughts like that..
Ive always felt people where annnoyed by me, and people didn like me..
These thoughts and feelings are everytime im outside, everytime i meet new people, theres probably more social things that scares me but i think you get an idea..
Im even sometimes nervous to be around my own family because. "What do they think"
I have always been a jerk to others, always been the one with the comments..
I think, ive said some stuff sometimes to make myself look better.. Feel better..
I have lied about some stuff, to make myself feel like i fitted in.. I once lied about my uncle being rich, just to impress people and feel like i was apart of them..
I felt bad for lying i think.. I wish i never lied.. But im not sure if it was fear of being caught or guilt.. But i never told the truth because i was embarrased.
Ive always been saying mean stuff verbally (in a joking sense) And id sometimes feel bad after..
I have always had a hard time to apologize. seeing it as weakness, get embarrased if i had to apologize because that would put me lower, and id be scared of what people would think of me, again.
I have never really, been home with friends like that.. I have obvious but, not really..? I became more and more asocial.. started to like being alone more than being with others, playing video games and all.. i think that started when i was around 15, id get asocial..
Ive always been called lazy cause my adhd.. actually i dont know if its my adhd only because, i am indeed a lazy person haha =)..
My first girlfriend i loved.. But at school, we was never together.. I was scared, of being normal i think? I was scared of I dont even know? I wasnt scared to be seen with her, oh no, i loved her and loved that she was mine.. But kissing and talking and just being together public made me scared because "what would others think.."
I think, i have a good heart, but hide it behind my low self esteem.. Behind this facade.. I have always felt bad for people, always felt guilt i think.. I can look at someone who feels sad and i can feel so bad for them. feel like i owe them something.. I know this rules out ASPD and NPD, but honestly alot of other stuff says the opposide, and thats enoughf or me, even when a profecional have said i dont have it..