anxiety

[LJ8000]

New to this. My wife has anxiety and I believe I may have it now. She hasn't been willing to take medication or admit to any type of problem. Our first child was born 9 months ago and since she was taken off an anxiety medication for another anxiety vision type of issue, she has been easily irritated. I've thought it was hormones, but there are times of violence at least initially. This has slowed down now, but she is still constantly angry about anything that happens and I am constantly on guard hoping for the best and probably in fear of upsetting her more. We've gone to a therapist, and it has only been a little helpful. I wish she would look into medication, but she is very stubborn and so far won't consider it and assumes I am any type of problem. Big problems have been dealing with my family where anything about them she absolutely can't stand and says horrible comments about them. We cancelled a Christmas trip due to some anxiety she had towards them. We do not have any friends together except people we've known from the past. She won't make an effort to meet any new people. We've been doing some sporting activities in hopes of meeting new friends and making everything we do more comfortable, but so far she won't make an effort to talk to anyone. She constantly feels that something needs to be done even when I do as much as possible to try to help out. After all this, she will as soon as possible find something to be upset with me about.

I feel I have anxiety due to not knowing when she's in what mood. I have feelings of absolutely not being able to stand her or want to see her based on some of her irritated actions. I feel this is my anxiety, but it has to stop and I don't know what I need to do. I'll say things that don't need to be said and once I realize it, I stop and apologize. However, that's just the warmup for her and her entire day or longer is ruined. Then everything calms down and it seems to almost go back to normal until she finds something new to be mad about.

[Irish Sammie]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of that at the moment. That can't be easy as it seems like the two of you are going around in a circle, which is hugely counter productive. I don't want to step out of line telling either of you to do something as It's not my place, so I'll try to be as impartial as I can. I don't know either of you two, but purely coming from an objective stand point here, two things need to be done. Firstly, honesty has to be introduced into the relationship. Some people can be very guarded over what gives them anxiety as it's a sign of weakness in many sufferers eyes.

For quite a while, I wouldn't admit to anyone what was worrying and creating anxiety in me as I felt like a lesser person because of it. I felt silly and half the man I thought I was. It was only when I gave into my thoughts and feelings and generously spoke about my guarded feelings to those who would listen, did I find my issues more easier to deal with. Running away from a situation like this only prolongs it, and allows it to fester and grow. I think if you somehow were able to get over the hurdle of withheld feelings both of you would be able to open up more and discuss the issues between you, which is the second thing that could be done. It's a chain reaction process of opening up one door, and walking through the next. If that door is locked, then no one goes anywhere.

Being able to talk freely to one another about whatever feelings you have, without the daunting feeling like you won't be listened to or acknowledged is very damaging to your confidence and I'm not surprised that you're feeling anxiety yourself. It would be a natural state for many people to be in if they were in your situation. Regarding trying to get out there and meet people, although it's a positive step forward and something most people would suggest, I wonder if your wife isn't in a comfortable place at the moment in which she can allow herself to be open to such things? Perhaps it's about dealing with the root issue first, then gradually branch out into other activities to help both of your confidences? (This is just my opinion, as much as I'd like to provide my amatuer Psychological advice!)

Taking meds can be beneficial, as although it will not cure her of any condition, it might provide her a temporary calmer, relaxed and more coping situation to allow her to work on her issues (that's if she's willing to take them). I'm not sure if any of this helped as I'm sure you've been doing your best to be a good husband and by the sounds of things you've been doing a great job. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. It seems like you've done as much as you can.

Keep positive friend, things will get better in time :)

[LJ8000]

Hey, welcome to the forum!

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of that at the moment. That can't be easy as it seems like the two of you are going around in a circle, which is hugely counter productive. I don't want to step out of line telling either of you to do something as It's not my place, so I'll try to be as impartial as I can. I don't know either of you two, but purely coming from an objective stand point here, two things need to be done. Firstly, honesty has to be introduced into the relationship. Some people can be very guarded over what gives them anxiety as it's a sign of weakness in many sufferers eyes.

For quite a while, I wouldn't admit to anyone what was worrying and creating anxiety in me as I felt like a lesser person because of it. I felt silly and half the man I thought I was. It was only when I gave into my thoughts and feelings and generously spoke about my guarded feelings to those who would listen, did I find my issues more easier to deal with. Running away from a situation like this only prolongs it, and allows it to fester and grow. I think if you somehow were able to get over the hurdle of withheld feelings both of you would be able to open up more and discuss the issues between you, which is the second thing that could be done. It's a chain reaction process of opening up one door, and walking through the next. If that door is locked, then no one goes anywhere.

Being able to talk freely to one another about whatever feelings you have, without the daunting feeling like you won't be listened to or acknowledged is very damaging to your confidence and I'm not surprised that you're feeling anxiety yourself. It would be a natural state for many people to be in if they were in your situation. Regarding trying to get out there and meet people, although it's a positive step forward and something most people would suggest, I wonder if your wife isn't in a comfortable place at the moment in which she can allow herself to be open to such things? Perhaps it's about dealing with the root issue first, then gradually branch out into other activities to help both of your confidences? (This is just my opinion, as much as I'd like to provide my amatuer Psychological advice!)

Taking meds can be beneficial, as although it will not cure her of any condition, it might provide her a temporary calmer, relaxed and more coping situation to allow her to work on her issues (that's if she's willing to take them). I'm not sure if any of this helped as I'm sure you've been doing your best to be a good husband and by the sounds of things you've been doing a great job. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. It seems like you've done as much as you can.

Keep positive friend, things will get better in time :)

Thanks for the response. I just don't know how to get her to do something regarding this. We were going to therapy often on weekends, but some plans came up and so far she insists she can't get off work to go during the week. She is more willing to listen to another person and pretty much won't listen to anything I say, or at least that's what I believe. There are instances where I get anxiety and worry about how she's acting and probably light the fuse with my comments back to her, but she takes it to a bad level. It's hard for me each time this happens and I can't just take everything being thrown or broken in our house. I never grew up around this and it's hard to imagine this happening to me, but it is happening. I don't want it to be an issue for our child later on and I worry about this. Apparently she grew up with instances like this growing up and somehow her parents were unable to convince her to take a medication. I honestly never knew she had an issue like this until she was pregnant with our child. I just thought she became stressed easily as she was on our wedding night. However, the level is much higher. As our child has aged, she's not having these episodes as often. I think I'm being effected the most and feel I'm constantly on egg shells.

She'll say that she can't take a break when she gets home, as I have the same issue around her. I think I can manage her for a while, but eventually it builds up and I unfortunately say a response that causes her to blow up. I don't understand how someone is able to get up so early and stay up late and do what I think is constantly doing laundry. I try to help out as much as possible, but something new always comes up. I am rambling a bit here, but hopefully this can explain some of the situation.

[trinidiva]

It is sometimes very hard to realize that you really have an issue with anxiety. It took me a VERY long time to realize it was something that needed to be addressed. Then, even after realizing, took me even longer to accept medication. I really wanted to be a better mother and wife because I knew things weren't as good as they could be. Trying medication doesnt have to be a permanent thing and it is not a sign of weakness either.....these are things that I had to come to terms with! Once i decided to try the meds and they kicked in, I began to feel like myself again. I am now able to do more with my kids again......instead of being worried and nervous and edgy all the time. I am able to joke and laugh more with my husband....and I am enjoying life once again. I also have done CBT with a licensed therapist who helped me learn specific techniques and exercises to keep panic attacks at bay and just helped me to rationalize my anxious feelings in a more logical way. Would your wife be opposed to joining a forum like this? Then she could see that anxiety is something that people from all walks of life have to deal with. It is nothing to be ashamed of and is easily treatable.

[Exactice]

Hey LJ800, wow this sounds exactly like my old relationship....Only Opposite.

After Coming back from Iraq, I closed off, my father passed away and my PTSD hit me like a ton of bricks. I became extremely irritable, some what verbally abusive, not violent to my spouse, but I did move furniture =*(.

It broke my heart that I treated my spouse so bad, but I was suffering internally and there really was nothing she could do. This eventually drove the stake through the relationship and we split. 7 years and engaged all down the drain.

What I learned from it. Being in the Panic and Anxiety Hell, no one could really help me until I was ready to help myself. The only thing a spouse can do is be strong, What I mean is stick it out as long as they possibly can. Its a sickness that can be cured. It takes time and support. Most of all patience. Yes its tough, yes is heart breaking feeling like you cant do anything. But what your wife truly needs is just your support and knowing that you are there for her.

My Ex gave up on me and said "I wasnt in the relationship for this", Im glad to hear that then as if we made the commitment "In sickness and in health, till we part" it would have been a lie.......

LJ, I know its tough right now, but hang in there, support her and remind her that you are always there for her. She is in an Anxiety hell, you need to help guide her out. You Dont need to carry or walk for her, you just need to stick your hand out and walk with her!

Good luck my friend!

[LJ8000]

Thanks for the responses. I think this forum is great and I should have done this a long time ago. I'm not sure if I can get her to do a forum unless she's in a "really good mood". She's extremely independent or stubborn and refuses to believe there's a problem. She has said she needs to get better to the therapist though. Our therapist recommended that maybe we take a month living apart. Drastic measures may cause her to realize something, or maybe not. It would be extremely hard on me to not be around our child as often and I know it will affect her. So far, we haven't done this and things have gotten better overall.
Lately, it seems that her episodes have lasted for a few days when they have occurred. It's very hard for me to be around and take all of it in. I get stressed or something where I can't control it and I inappropriately will say I want her out of my life. Of course, I cool down soon afterwards and feel terrible about that. It is really the way I feel at that moment, and it seems that when times are good I nearly forget the bad. However, these occurrences keep coming back and usually when something is going to happen (ex: having a BBQ).

Thinking back to this, it seems that every single thing we do we disagree on. I honestly think that the "disagreements" are intentional as we hardly had any of these issues in the past. I think she takes out any irritability out on me. I don't know, I just think I'm getting effected by this and I become too quick to respond incorrectly due to being tired of putting up with it for so long and I ignite her fuse. I have to think during these times how much do I want to suffer to enjoy raising our child together and I try to put it in the past when times are better. I'm thinking that if I can control not being upset by this, things will be better. We just can't have this life forever and I don't think I should have to always be on egg shells.

[Im-Suffering]

Thanks for the responses. I think this forum is great and I should have done this a long time ago. I'm not sure if I can get her to do a forum unless she's in a "really good mood". She's extremely independent or stubborn and refuses to believe there's a problem. She has said she needs to get better to the therapist though. Our therapist recommended that maybe we take a month living apart. Drastic measures may cause her to realize something, or maybe not. It would be extremely hard on me to not be around our child as often and I know it will affect her. So far, we haven't done this and things have gotten better overall.
Lately, it seems that her episodes have lasted for a few days when they have occurred. It's very hard for me to be around and take all of it in. I get stressed or something where I can't control it and I inappropriately will say I want her out of my life. Of course, I cool down soon afterwards and feel terrible about that. It is really the way I feel at that moment, and it seems that when times are good I nearly forget the bad. However, these occurrences keep coming back and usually when something is going to happen (ex: having a BBQ).

Thinking back to this, it seems that every single thing we do we disagree on. I honestly think that the "disagreements" are intentional as we hardly had any of these issues in the past. I think she takes out any irritability out on me. I don't know, I just think I'm getting effected by this and I become too quick to respond incorrectly due to being tired of putting up with it for so long and I ignite her fuse. I have to think during these times how much do I want to suffer to enjoy raising our child together and I try to put it in the past when times are better. I'm thinking that if I can control not being upset by this, things will be better. We just can't have this life forever and I don't think I should have to always be on egg shells.

From my spirit guides, a message for you. Begin post now, in response to your query - (things will get better):

No. A spade is a spade. Call it

You are abused, period. Your psyche is consistantly bombarded with trauma, whether anticipatory, or actual, physical, mental, or both.

She gives you just enough to dangle you, then hangs you. She will go just far enough, on her terms, therapy, when covenient, an admission herecand there, just enough to reel you in for the kill.

Once ensnared by the trappings of a possible future, she sinks the teeth in. Should you respond with hostility instead of weakness, it reinforces the beliefs she has about men and family. The man is weak and dependant, the man will leave eventually anyhow, mistrust, self hate, jealousy, intolerance, verbal abuse, indifference, all things she learned as a child that she now passes to her own.

You are a martyr, and in the process you are destroying your spirit. Your tail is between your legs and your on the table for castration.

And all you can say is in her defense, "things will get better", "our future is bright", "if only I did things differently", "its all the anxiety, I blame that" "if only I was a different man".

You feel guilt, shame, repression, conflicted, angry, resentfull, hate, on one hand, and on the other love, commitment, the what ifs plague you like a crippling deadly disease, and they will end in your demise, for you hate yourself because of this life, the way you feel, the way another makes you feel, and you feel partially to blame. You feel no kinship, empowered by the spirit of two coming together as one. You feel power-less. And this is detrimental to the soul.

Stripping you of power, she is empowered, showing personal power, she digs in deeper to make up lost ground. Outside appearances mean nothing, a facade of temporary gains.

Because since childhood, you were meant to feel inadequate. You feed of each other and will ultimately destroy the psyche of the child, anf future.

Now these are harsh words, but you have in one way or another felt this way triggered since your wedding night.

There is never an excuse for mistreatment of the self, the spirit will be condemned to self torture, and grow accustom to shame. You cannot fight back, period. You cannot change her, period, no conditions. You can only change the self, and put the selfs foot down, once and for all, in courage, in regard, to what is right for you, period,

End the self rightousness, end the martyrship, end the abuse, for your child benefit. Go to therapy alone, and work on self. Open your ears to hear, the sooner the better. Better for the child to live with one parent in peace, then together in a mental war.

Here is a lesson for all readers, in abusive relationships, you know who you are. End of post.

Unchecked for grammar, typed as given. Listen to no other advice.

[Exactice]

Well Im-Suffering, thats a different way to look at things......good on your "Opinion" but I dont think anyone needs to take youre words as final......."listen to no other advice" who are you to tell someone not to listen to other advices...... but again good on your opinion.


LJ, It is tough and its up to you work things out WITH, your other half, you should never have to do things alone.... just like being here on the forums.....support is everywhere and deserved!