TracyA
07-14-2014, 07:48 AM
Hi. I am 54 and female, married forever with grown kids. I do not have a fear of anything particular, unless you include people and social situations. Those terrify me and fill me with dread. Once I am in the situation, I deal OK, but I hate it. I wish I was a person who enjoyed people, but I get no comfort from social situations. If I manage to make myself stay in one, I walk away exhausted.
I have been unemployed for four years, and the thought of navigating a job interview is just too much – just the thought is too much. Given time to chew on me, my anxiety makes me run away. Running away is better than getting angry, which I do when I feel trapped. My resume is a history of walking away from jobs because I could not tolerate the competition, or even worse the hierarchy of the work place. I come from an abusive childhood home, so having bosses is not something I am good at.
I get the idea that people are judging me, laughing at me, but worse is when I think they really are out to get me. I get the worst a lot. It is no fun, and I am very lonely.
I recently spent a week in our local psych ward. It was helpful. I am on meds that actually seem to work. But my meds are an unusual combination of Abilify and gabapentin. My diagnosis, in addition to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, is Major Depression with psychotic features (paranoia), but I am dosed on Abilify as though I was schizophrenic. Whatever . . . it is working.
My biggest challenge is finding work. I am too terrified to try. My therapist (I’ve only seen her once so far) says that a job is a long-term goal. We squeak by on one income, but it is getting squeakier as time goes by. Also, I feel disconnected from the world. I see my daughter rarely and never see my son. I have no friends. At least a job would feel like I am part of the world, if that makes any sense.
Also, I quit smoking today, so it is fun upon fun inside my brain.
Anyway, I am glad this place is here.
I have been unemployed for four years, and the thought of navigating a job interview is just too much – just the thought is too much. Given time to chew on me, my anxiety makes me run away. Running away is better than getting angry, which I do when I feel trapped. My resume is a history of walking away from jobs because I could not tolerate the competition, or even worse the hierarchy of the work place. I come from an abusive childhood home, so having bosses is not something I am good at.
I get the idea that people are judging me, laughing at me, but worse is when I think they really are out to get me. I get the worst a lot. It is no fun, and I am very lonely.
I recently spent a week in our local psych ward. It was helpful. I am on meds that actually seem to work. But my meds are an unusual combination of Abilify and gabapentin. My diagnosis, in addition to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, is Major Depression with psychotic features (paranoia), but I am dosed on Abilify as though I was schizophrenic. Whatever . . . it is working.
My biggest challenge is finding work. I am too terrified to try. My therapist (I’ve only seen her once so far) says that a job is a long-term goal. We squeak by on one income, but it is getting squeakier as time goes by. Also, I feel disconnected from the world. I see my daughter rarely and never see my son. I have no friends. At least a job would feel like I am part of the world, if that makes any sense.
Also, I quit smoking today, so it is fun upon fun inside my brain.
Anyway, I am glad this place is here.