Taking the first steps...

[TooTense]

I already posted a bit on the "Welcome" thread, so I guess I'll post a bit more here.

I don't really know if my country even knows much about mental health, the best the doctors have told me is to take Diazepan and do Yoga.

At first the panic attacks only happened before job interviews, but they've gotten worse, up until this weekend where I had a panic attack while shopping downstairs and hit rock bottom on Monday when I started wailing uncontrollable for no reason and I've had a know in my throat since then. At first I was terrified, now... I'm just constantly uncomfortable and lethargic, well, even MORE lethargic.

My family isn't really that supportive, my father refuses to believe a man can or should even feel anything like anxiety or show weakness, my mother has some sympathy, but doesn't understand and think it's already over...

My sister seems to be trying to help me, except she insists that I MUST attend a very stressful birthday next week... Public transport is a huge trigger for me, and frankly crowds in general make me uncomfortable.

Anyway, my country does have a free Mental Health Clinic (it's all I can afford), but I've been calling every day and they've yet to pick and... I'm kinda scared to go all the way there on my own.

What I have done is call my normal doctor for an appointment, who I will ask to get tested, I'm not even sure if I have anxiety officially and I don't want jump to conclusions on my thoughts that I might be agoraphobic, even though I'm pretty sure most panic attacks have happened in crowded places.

I'm hoping once I know exactly what's wrong I'll be able to deal with it better, and hopefully once a doctor has it on paper, and from there I will be able to know what to do next.

In the meantime, I've tried Yoga with some relative success, I can't bend forwards that well... I tried a breathing exercise on YouTube and... it's was gobbledygook to me.

I don't even know where to get Cognitive Dissonance Therapy, which I've been suggested, I Googled for an online service, but it unfortunately no longer exists.

Dietary-wise, the incident has ruined my appetite and I don't really eat as much, but crackers made me feel better than any other comfort food and I'm trying to eat pumpkin seeds daily since I've been told the magnesium content in them helps with anxiety...

And while my family isn't really that supportive, my online friends have been more than supportive and are trying their best to get me through this.

But the worst of all is that I'll soon have a forced "family vacation", to town that's half-abandoned and full of derelict stone houses, it's really a distressing and depressing place for me... But it's my family's hometown, so we MUST go. I'm hoping to convince them that if I must go that I at least stay less time... The bus ride home will be must less traumatic than spending time there...

[Kixxi]

First of all, what country are you in at the moment? Maybe I can help. I noticed that you are currently showing some avoidance behaviour and let me reassure you that this is completely normal when you suffer from anxiety. Your doctor did tell you something good by mentioning yoga. It doesn't only relax your body, but it helps your breathing. Doing yoga daily will definitely help you in the long run. It will take some practice though, before you can actually apply this stuff during a panic attack. Because you know like no other that when you are having a panic attack, all logic goes out the window. Therefore it is really important to do any relaxation your learned daily. So your body becomes accustomed to a more "relaxed" state and this will also cause your anxiety symptoms to become less over time.

Also about going out and anxiety. I can tell you that I had the same problem, sometimes I still feel anticipation anxiety for certain things. Avoiding it however is going to make it so much worse. I know it is terrifying and you fear having a panic attack in public. But let me tell you, you have nothing to be ashamed about. As you can see from the forum, there are so many people with anxiety. Remember that your sister is trying to help you and she can be your support when your out and when your anxious or having an attack. Maybe it is a good idea to talk to your mom and sister? Find some things that calm you down, certain statements or safe places and let them help you when things get tough. Also if you got a good phone with internet you can always find support with us when your out. I promise you, these feelings you are having will pass.

Also just like you I had really bad panic attacks on public transport, even more when there were a lot of people around. But with loads of yoga practice, breathing exercises and having better thoughts this eventually went less and less. You can do this to, I am so sure of it.

[trinidiva]

Try using other methods to get help. You tube has tons of info on anxiety, meditation, etc. There is a good CBT workbook you can order off of Amazon....it doesnt cost much.....that will walk you through exercises that you can refer back to when you start to feel anxious. Also, utilize this forum! When you need to talk, come here and share how you are feeling. You will get honest advice from all of us.

[TooTense]

As for the avoidance issues... before the incident I would have reluctantly accept going to these places, but after getting the knot in my throat and the uncontrollable wailing incident... I don't really feel like nothing, sometimes I feel like I can barely get out of bed.... I still feel too "weak and tender" to go any place that's too far.

I live in Spain, if that helps anything and as for an update. out of nowhere, my mother is taking me to a herbologist, which I guess won't hurt... Unless it's like the last one I went to when I was younger and who literally tried to convinced me that a I had to consume a concoction of minerals which had GOLD in it.

[Kixxi]

As for the avoidance issues... before the incident I would have reluctantly accept going to these places, but after getting the knot in my throat and the uncontrollable wailing incident... I don't really feel like nothing, sometimes I feel like I can barely get out of bed.... I still feel too "weak and tender" to go any place that's too far.

I live in Spain, if that helps anything and as for an update. out of nowhere, my mother is taking me to a herbologist, which I guess won't hurt... Unless it's like the last one I went to when I was younger and who literally tried to convinced me that a I had to consume a concoction of minerals which had GOLD in it.

Oh dear, that last bit didn't feel very pleasant. I know exactly how you feel right now, been there to. Sometimes it is also a bit of depression kicking in as well, because you feel like it's never going to stop. I do think that the incident you are referring to has had a great impact for your anxiety. This type of issue can be unlearned. I can assure you. I also think you should have a look at my video I recorded yesterday, it might give you a bit more hope (no obligation of course) You'll find it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4gr45vqOqdU I talked a bit of some of the issues that I encountered and I think it will give you some courage.

As for the symptoms that you are describing, be aware that anxiety can cause pretty much any symptom. Some people get nauseous, others get dizzy, some feel like they can't breath, or all of these together. It is quite normal for someone with an anxiety disorder. There are some underlying issues you will have to address, but that will go easier over time. You already started by coming here. I would suggest doing some daily breathing exercises as well, to calm your body down a bit. You can find so many techniques online on breathing exercises for hyperventilation and/or general anxiety. I think with practice they can do a lot for you.

[TooTense]

Well.... my parents just told me they might retire next year and since I work for them... I'm kinda screwed. I need to find a job in a year and under the mental condition I'm in and the ridiculously high unemployment in my country...

They really could have waited a little to tell me, Jesus... I think my mother is really trying to help since she keeps asking to cook my favorite meals to cheer me up, only to give me news like this...

[Kixxi]

Well.... my parents just told me they might retire next year and since I work for them... I'm kinda screwed. I need to find a job in a year and under the mental condition I'm in and the ridiculously high unemployment in my country...

They really could have waited a little to tell me, Jesus... I think my mother is really trying to help since she keeps asking to cook my favourite meals to cheer me up, only to give me news like this...


I know how you feel. I struggled so much going out and find a job. I went on online freelancing work first, but now finally got a job outside the house. I'm still a bit anxious about it, but I don't think it will affect me much at all. Do you have any idea what you are comfortable with at the moment?

[TooTense]

Job-wise? I did a gardening course and I found it relaxing, but I've yet to see a single job opening since then.

If you mean things that make me more comfortable or at ease... drinking tea while watching my favorite shows, good comedy podcasts, games that don't involve making heads explode, like adventure games and anything with a good story?

If you mean places, just my house... I don't even feel comfortable at my sister's house...

[TooTense]

Well, today was almost a repeat of last Monday to a lesser extent, no wailing or full mental breakdown, but I'm back to having trouble even moving, not wanting to move and my is in "Everybody bugger off" and "I can't, I can't" mode...

I guess it's because I'm worried about the therapy session I'll have today, my family scheduled it and yet I have to pay for it when they know well how poor I am, this is especially distressing now since I think I've mentioned before they will drag to a village I hate for a week and I need money to buy something to keep me sane while I'm there.

Also.... when I felt it started and it was REALLY bad, I tried thinking, "Everything is OK, you are normal and things will get better", but my body refused to believe me and the struggle to move got only worse...

I had to tell myself "Hey, it's the 21st century the era of information overload, yes, you are crazy, but the world is crazy too, so that's OK, this is Wonderland, everybody is crazy here." and then my body let me move again... this was in the middle of the street. Usually when my body refuses to work, it's only when I'm alone.

Of course, it's not only worrying that I was practically paralyzed in public, but also that the only way I was capable of functioning again was by these words. I wonder if I was trying to blame shift and get myself angry at the world to cope better, frankly, I'm too lethargic to be an actual angry person, but sometimes making me angry does help me cope better... I can't make me happy like magic, but at least if I'm angry and thinking "Damn it, why won't the line move" instead of "Oh god, so many people, something bad will happen." is the best I could do for now...

Also... I still have the knot in my throat and I pulled a groin muscle doing yoga. And least I already have a doctor's appointment tomorrow for that. :|