Rock bottom... I hope...

[TooTense]

There was always something wrong with me, even as a kid I was afraid of leaving the house and would obsessively check things I knew were OK, but everybody just said I was just "shy and nervous".

I was always tired and I have several digestive problems probably caused by anxiety and while I'm not even sure if I've been officially diagnosed, ages ago the doctors asked me if I washed my hands a lot and some other questions and put me on Diazepan.

My first panic/anxiety attacks were different and probably justified, on a way to job interview, I would be short of breath, use the bathroom until it hurt and vomit, but as time passed it got worse. It no longer happened when just going to a job interview. I went to a "Free Mental Heatlh Care Clinic", which was and is still all I could afford, but all he told me that obsession with control was the reason I'm like this, that and he kept forgetting things about me, tends to happen when they can only see you once every three months, which doesn't help when you're repeating yourself and I have no confidence.

Frankly, I felt well enough to not need him anymore for those reasons, so I stopped going.

But lately, it's gotten even worse, I'm pretty sure public transport is a trigger to me and lately I can't get even get on a bus or subway without getting a panic attack, except now I just sweat like a pig and hyperventilate very loudly. It even happens when I really want to go somewhere and it's a short trip.

But Monday I hit rock bottom, on Saturday I had a mild attack just shopping downstairs and felt numb and sweated uncontrollably and it happened also on Monday, but the worst was when I got home....

I just let out an uncontrollable wail like you'd expect to hear from someone who had a tragic loss, which terrified me, and since then I have this knot in my throat, my energy levels are even worse and so is my appetite and well... It feels like I have to make an extra effort for just about everything if I don't give up on it immediately.


I'm not really getting any support from my family, my father's mentality is that since I'm a man, I'm not allowed to feel this way and he doesn't even understand why I would anxious at all... working for him without a contract, so I'm really unemployed still, with less than minimal wage and him constantly "alpha male-ing" me, since he must feel superior at all times. My mother is more understanding, but doesn't really get it either. She thinks I've got "Bus-phobia"...
My sister is giving me "tough love", I'm not if she understands the most, but she's far from sympathetic to me.

I'm really at a loss... I've been trying to call the free mental health clinic for days but they never pick up and the trip there is too terrifying to do on my own, but I will force myself if they give me an appointment.

Fortunately, my Internet friends are more sympathetic and are trying to help and a few have suffered the same ordeal as me and are giving advice.

Doctors aren't really helping, apart from giving me Diazepan, the best I could get out of them is "Do some Yoga?".

Like I said, I'm really at a loss, but I'm hoping talking with others with the same problem or similar will help a little. At first I was really terrified, then annoyed, right now I don't know what to feel, I think this knot and this feeling will take more than I'd like to go away.

I really wish my family would understand how dreadful I feel, since I have an upcoming birthday I'm practically forced to go and a "vacation" where I'll be "relaxing" by doing back breaking manual labor for free for my parent's house in a village in the middle of nowhere which is almost a ghost town and depressing and distressing to me.

[Kixxi]

Hi TooTense,

I really know how you feel. Vacation use to be a right hell for me, because I had to go out somewhere and I was not comfortable with that. I also had anxiety issues from a very young age and my parents weren't exactly supporting in that matter. Although I am no psychologist, I can give you some tips from my own experience and how my anxiety battle went. I'll try to keep it a bit shorter than my usual messages, because a lot of people find it really tiring to read through it all. But if you have any questions for me do let me know and I'll fill it out a bit more.

I suffer from severe agoraphobia and have problems pretty much everywhere outside the house. However, I learned many coping mechanisms and how I can deal with this anxiety. I can tell you, my anxiety was so bad at one point I could not leave the house, I called the doctor every other day and ended up in the emergency nearly every two weeks.

First I must say to you that you should NEVER be ashamed of your condition. Some people cannot even understand a little of how it can affect us, because they haven't experienced it yet. Do not let that get to you. Find support with people that do understand and have the good intention of helping you through this.

Second, anxiety does not have a sole solution. This is what I discovered after fighting a six year battle. Don't worry though, some people can get rid of anxiety faster because they find the right help faster. Battling anxiety needs to happen from different aspects. What worked for me is the following:
- Daily breathing exercises
- Yoga
- Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
- Medication (unfortunately I started with this, but it wasn't a solution at all! You should only go to medication if you absolutely need to)
- Exposure

Now, the most important thing to know about anxiety is that we usually talk badly to ourselves. I'll quickly explain this as short as I can:

This is bad thinking:
I feel a bit odd and my heart is beating to fast --> Something is really wrong with me --> It's not stopping and I'm at the cinema, please don't let this happen here ---> I knew it would get worse --> I'm going to die --> Panic mode!

This is how you could deal with it and the right way (again I'm no psychologist, so my experience from reading and my therapy sessions):
I feel a bit odd and my heart is beating fast --> I am just having some anxiety and this is completely normal --> I had these feelings before and they passed, nothing bad happened to me then --> I deserve to be okay right now and I will be

Sometimes it is necessary to apply breathing techniques during an attack because a calm body can really help you during such an attack. You really need to practice this a lot before a panic attack because during rationality goes out of the window. Practice, practice, practice is all I can tell you. Also doing relaxation and breathing exercises every single day will greatly reduce the stress levels of your body to start with, so less severe panic symptoms and anxiety all together.

This is what helped me a great deal. And as I said, it is a process with many treatments from different angles. I hope this helps you out a bit.

[TooTense]

Yeah, that train of thought seems to be what gets me to a panic attack to a "T". I'm pretty sure I've told myself I've had these feelings (not the knot) before and the passed, but that didn't seem to help much. Is this what the call "affirmations"?

I've never heard of Conginitve Behavior Therapy, I'm not sure they have that in my country, but I found this game that claims to help with it called "Sparx (sorry, I can't post links yet)".

Since I started to hyperventilate when I get a panic attack, I'm kinda hesitant to do this, is this something I should practice everyday, or something when I feel an attack coming?

Would it be a bad idea to just do breathing and yoga exercises I find on YouTube?

What exactly do you mean by "exposure"? Go outside and mingle with people? That's kinda scary for me now.

I was going to say I don't think I have Agoraphobia, I thought it was just open places, but looking it up, it does mention "crowd-phobia" which does sound closer to what I have, maybe the panic is triggered in these places because of the crowds, the places I do feel uncomfortable and tend to have attacks may be large or small, but tend to be too crowded to my taste.

I've been to eat pumpkin seeds since they are high in magnesium and that helps with anxiety, unfortunately with my delicate stomach I can barely eat a few without getting... well... too much fibre?

[Kixxi]

Hi TooTense,

I'll elaborate a bit more on what you told me. Everyone needs a different fix sort of speak, because every person is unique. But trust me, I recognize a lot of what you are going through what now and you will get better. I am so sure of that. You are a very brave person for facing this, don't ever forget that. Okay, now to elaborate a bit ;)

You told me that your though process is pretty much what I described. Well, the change of thoughts I described is actually what they call Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, and it is best thought by a third party, for example a psychologist. Now, these thoughts need to be trained before they can be effective, because when you are in panic mode you cannot think straight and everything you said you'd do before goes out of the window. I had to train these thoughts for weeks before I could actually implement them correctly. The same goes for breathing exercises. It also helps to "adjust" when you have a panic attack. For example is there a place or a person that reduces you anxiety level? It can even be a person here? Or a place in your home? Or when your out it could be a public toilet. That usually works for me because it is quiet and nobody is around. All I can say is practice the techniques every day, even when your not anxious. When you do get a panic attack later on, eventually, these techniques will kick in and will help you take control of your mind and body. All beginnings are difficult, it is the end result that matters and I know you can do it. You are brave for taking the step to recovery.

About the yoga. I use youtube all the time. I even use sleep hypnosis for anxiety and they worked for me. The beginning will feel like it doesn't do much and you even might get slightly anxious during. But same as with other techniques, it will take effect with practice.

About exposure. Never do exposure without feeling sure you want to try it. Also train your techniques before attempting this. Someone like a psychologist will give you exactly the amount of exposure and exercises you can handle at that time. You need a lot of practice before you try exposure. You need to be comfortable with yourself and your skills. And you will be, it just takes a bit of practice.

About the term agoraphobia. Agoraphobia can be quite a number of things. For example I suffer from agoraphobia and I get scared in the following places: supermarkets, crowded places, post office, pretty much anywhere outside the home. I even had some anxiety in the house at one point.

About food. Food definitely has an impact on anxiety and a balanced diet can reduce your anxiety considerably. I reduced my caffeine intake to absolute zero, because caffeine sets me off like no tomorrow. Sugar tends to be bad as well, because during anxiety this will release substances in the blood that will trigger that fight or flight reaction and give you a panic attack.

After all this I wanted to share this with you. A lot of people who have anxiety can feel powerless and feel like they never going to get better. I felt like that to. But let me tell you that you will get better. You have all our support here and a lot of us are going through or have gone through what you are experiencing. Every single day you will get a little better, I promise you. Give yourself a pat on the back because you made the first, brave step.

[loganson28]

Awesome posts Kixxi!

[Kixxi]

Awesome posts Kixxi!

Thanks ;) Had enough time to acquire some knowledge on it :) Just hoping I can help a lot of people getting through their anxiety.

[TooTense]

I assume I should open a thread about what I'm trying to do to deal with my anxiety in a new post by now, right?

[Kixxi]

It is probably a good idea. Then more people tend to find it and can give you loads of tips :)