My Husband: a severe hypochondriac

[wifey85]

I am typing this in the hopes of knowing how to help my husband. We have been married for 5 yrs and have a 15 month old son. My DH, 3 yrs ago over night basically had a mental breakdown due to frequent urination and has been paralyzed by fear since. I honestly believe I understand anxiety better that any therapist out there. I have read and done my research and been there for my husband these past 3 yrs.
Something has got to give. Neither one of us can go on like this but I am at my wits end. I work full time and have responsibility over everything financial, emotional. I keep everything together. My DH stays home with our 15 month old and hasn't worked in the past 3 yrs. I also look after the house, do all the house work, take care of our 3 pets. Clearly no person can handle all of that forever. I have no escape, no friends, no life. I wake up go to work, answer the phone when DH is terrified and try to calm him down while trying not to get fired due to his frequent calls. I come home take over taking care of our son, clean, take the dogs out, cook while he follows me around talking about his fears and anxieties, He gets mad if I take any time for myself to take a shower, got to bed early etc. because he is terrified 24/7 and needs me to his logic, to calm him down.
He is aware he is irrational and that he puts a huge strain on me and is worried I will leave. But at the same time he is completely oblivious to how I work myself to death and live for everyone in my family but for me. He lacks to see how much work emotional of physical I put in on a daily basis, and the kind of life and support I provide.

We have tried therapist, medications etc. nothing has worked. We don't have health insurance so he was going through the state for therapy and due to the cut backs they only due group therapy, no individual so that made him panic more and made him worse.

Part of him not getting better is his subconscious self sabotage every time he makes steps for the better. Almost as if he is afraid to get better. He is unable to stick to any routine that would give him relief (hobby, exercise, eating right etc.) He is stuck in his head so much he short term memory loss, just basically isn't living life. At all.

I feel as me being a strong person and being there, maybe too much is enabling him. I push and support him constantly but nothing is never enough. He sucks me dry of any energy.
He needs to take responsibility of his own healing. How do I help him get HIMSELF better and stop leaning on me? This is absolutely destroying our marriage because I haven't been a wife or a woman in a long time. I am simply a caretaker or a mother.

What is there left to do?

[Fourteen14]

Hi Wifey85

We often forget the consequences and pressures put on the relatives of those suffering with mental health. It does sound like things are at toppling point for you at the moment.

Your husband sounds like he is pretty severe, under normal circumstances if out-patient therapy and meds have been unsuccessful, I would recommend a period of hospitalisation (high intensity therapy) to kick start recovery.

If you are without insurance then this may not be an option.

The only area I could possibly make a suggestion is (although very difficult at first), would be to try and steadily cut back on the reassurance and being available to him. (Sounds a bit harsh) but whilst ever he has you to continuously reassure him he learns to do it more and more.

Maybe try and change your work landline no (if possible) so he only has a cell to reach you on you can then choose to switch it off or only answer so many times. He needs to learn to trust his own self again.

I'm sorry if this is not much use, it must be incredibly frustrating, and left to continue may put a strain on your own mental health.

Treatment resistance is a tough nut to crack and often needs strong intervention.

I wish you the very best.

[Anne1221]

Don't give up on getting help for him. You actually need two therapists - a marriage therapist and a therapist for him for his anxiety. I would start with the marriage therapist. That person will guide both of you to a better place.

[trinidiva]

Wow...I really feel for you. I had pretty severe anxiety as well at one point and I felt like alot of the home responsibility fell on my spouse's plate as well. I knew that I would have to do SOMETHING and stick with it in order to improve my life and life for my family as well. I didn't want to take meds and didn't want to spill my personal life to a complete stranger.....but I eventually had to in order to start to get better.

Perhaps if one med didn't work, he should try another? It can take a few tries to find the right meds and right amount....but he should try to stick with it because the quality of his life (and yours) could be so much better. Also....maybe refer him to this forum.....he can vent as much as he'd like to here.

[Fight the stress]

I send you abundant energy to continue your path and amazing work you do. I would say cannabis for him, don't have to smoke it but putting it in his food might calm him down a lot, it is worth a try.

[wifey85]

Thank you all for your responses!

The biggest hurdle and issue is that because most of his anxiety is towards his health and anything that might alter it he is terrified of medicine. He has a severe tooth infection and needs to get 3 of his teeth pulled and he was prescribed antibiotics over 2 months ago. He finally took them for me and my son (because honestly I was losing my mind) a week ago and has been panicking ever since and is about to get his teeth pulled tomorrow. Which we don't know if he is able to do. Anyways taking medicine, ever for anxiety is a huge issue for him. He literally can't bring himself to do, whenever its something new that he is not sure how he is going to react to. Essentially he just needs to get out of the house and start taking baby steps to do things that are uncomfortable and not reinforce his fears by avoidance behavior which is what he does all the time.

[Fourteen14]

Thank you all for your responses! The biggest hurdle and issue is that because most of his anxiety is towards his health and anything that might alter it he is terrified of medicine. He has a severe tooth infection and needs to get 3 of his teeth pulled and he was prescribed antibiotics over 2 months ago. He finally took them for me and my son (because honestly I was losing my mind) a week ago and has been panicking ever since and is about to get his teeth pulled tomorrow. Which we don't know if he is able to do. Anyways taking medicine, ever for anxiety is a huge issue for him. He literally can't bring himself to do, whenever its something new that he is not sure how he is going to react to. Essentially he just needs to get out of the house and start taking baby steps to do things that are uncomfortable and not reinforce his fears by avoidance behavior which is what he does all the time.

There is a link to a free health anxiety CBT workbook (self help).

It's from the UK so I'm not sure if you can access it (I'm keeping my fingers crossed that you can).

Printing it off hopefully may help him to make a start.

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/hypochondria/Documents/Health%20Anxiety%20A4%20%202010.pdf

[Im-Suffering]

I am typing this in the hopes of knowing how to help my husband. We have been married for 5 yrs and have a 15 month old son. My DH, 3 yrs ago over night basically had a mental breakdown due to frequent urination and has been paralyzed by fear since. I honestly believe I understand anxiety better that any therapist out there. I have read and done my research and been there for my husband these past 3 yrs.
Something has got to give. Neither one of us can go on like this but I am at my wits end. I work full time and have responsibility over everything financial, emotional. I keep everything together. My DH stays home with our 15 month old and hasn't worked in the past 3 yrs. I also look after the house, do all the house work, take care of our 3 pets. Clearly no person can handle all of that forever. I have no escape, no friends, no life. I wake up go to work, answer the phone when DH is terrified and try to calm him down while trying not to get fired due to his frequent calls. I come home take over taking care of our son, clean, take the dogs out, cook while he follows me around talking about his fears and anxieties, He gets mad if I take any time for myself to take a shower, got to bed early etc. because he is terrified 24/7 and needs me to his logic, to calm him down.
He is aware he is irrational and that he puts a huge strain on me and is worried I will leave. But at the same time he is completely oblivious to how I work myself to death and live for everyone in my family but for me. He lacks to see how much work emotional of physical I put in on a daily basis, and the kind of life and support I provide.

We have tried therapist, medications etc. nothing has worked. We don't have health insurance so he was going through the state for therapy and due to the cut backs they only due group therapy, no individual so that made him panic more and made him worse.

Part of him not getting better is his subconscious self sabotage every time he makes steps for the better. Almost as if he is afraid to get better. He is unable to stick to any routine that would give him relief (hobby, exercise, eating right etc.) He is stuck in his head so much he short term memory loss, just basically isn't living life. At all.

I feel as me being a strong person and being there, maybe too much is enabling him. I push and support him constantly but nothing is never enough. He sucks me dry of any energy.
He needs to take responsibility of his own healing. How do I help him get HIMSELF better and stop leaning on me? This is absolutely destroying our marriage because I haven't been a wife or a woman in a long time. I am simply a caretaker or a mother.

What is there left to do?

I underlined and bolded the only sentence that will help you above in your post. That is it. To begin:

He is using health, as a child exaggerates a cough for ice cream, period. It is not the prime issue, read on:

Now the health anxiety did not start with his frequent urination, if he is honest with himself, and can recall memories of childhood, there you see the medical fears beginning, but...they were bound to manifest full blown, the question was when.

He also believes you would leave him, period. At some point, regardless. The health issues are crafty, and creative you see, as a child would grope his parent should he feel guilty of something, and fear the loss of love, abandonment. The child would then use any means possible to regain his loving status, and in a 5 year old now, it seems to him constructive to use health as a method, for he was always given a lollipop, and love, should he become sick, period.

Your husband feels weak as a human (self worth/esteem), period, and feels victimized by his own inability to retain love (he is powerless), by another more adult means, rather he is 5 now, he has reverted back to the incipient experiences, and he lives there. He has the same feelings about you, as he would of his mother/father at that time. Now this is difficult to put to words forgive me...one moment

He fears the loss of love, death (as the health anxiety is associated with this at an early age, and not processing it, and no adult to help explain what happened). He fears criticism, which coupled with the loss of love is paralyzing, he simply cannot make a move without your assurance, do you understand?

He is not your husband, he has flipped personalities to an alter, the weak one, whereas when you were dating, and so forth, the strong was dominant, he split in two many years ago to cope with certain family conditions. At the moment of the urinary condition, there were some sign in your relationship, he was becoming more submissive, and the issue then triggered his weak, vulnerable side to come forth.

How do you get your husband back? Well, the dynamics are such where that is difficult. By his fears of a separation, and by your words above, then that may be the healthy choice (the inevitable choice/manifested fears), and I say healthy because he would then face the mirror.

He could do intensive self reflective belief work, but as long as he is attached by the hip he is distracted, what is the motive? He may also fool/trick you by acquiescing to any therapy necessary while at the same time faking it, and happy when things turn out badly, for that reinforces the behavior and he would expect some guilt and empathy from you, do you see? In the act/actions of trying to keep you, he is pushing you away. It is misguided and childish, because he is a child, period.

I am arming you with enough ammunition here to open your eyes, wake up ! And thus you can ponder this, and come to an understanding, then you can face him - face the issue, you see.

In the meantime he is powerless in the face of the big giant adult/pseudo parent, you.

This has been a reading for you, end of information, end of post.

I will not edit for grammar unless something omitted is not understood. Otherwise it is what it is.

[wifey85]

I underlined and bolded the only sentence that will help you above in your post. That is it. To begin:

He is using health, as a child exaggerates a cough for ice cream, period. It is not the prime issue, read on:

Now the health anxiety did not start with his frequent urination, if he is honest with himself, and can recall memories of childhood, there you see the medical fears beginning, but...they were bound to manifest full blown, the question was when.

He also believes you would leave him, period. At some point, regardless. The health issues are crafty, and creative you see, as a child would grope his parent should he feel guilty of something, and fear the loss of love, abandonment. The child would then use any means possible to regain his loving status, and in a 5 year old now, it seems to him constructive to use health as a method, for he was always given a lollipop, and love, should he become sick, period.

Your husband feels weak as a human (self worth/esteem), period, and feels victimized by his own inability to retain love (he is powerless), by another more adult means, rather he is 5 now, he has reverted back to the incipient experiences, and he lives there. He has the same feelings about you, as he would of his mother/father at that time. Now this is difficult to put to words forgive me...one moment

He fears the loss of love, death (as the health anxiety is associated with this at an early age, and not processing it, and no adult to help explain what happened). He fears criticism, which coupled with the loss of love is paralyzing, he simply cannot make a move without your assurance, do you understand?

He is not your husband, he has flipped personalities to an alter, the weak one, whereas when you were dating, and so forth, the strong was dominant, he split in two many years ago to cope with certain family conditions. At the moment of the urinary condition, there were some sign in your relationship, he was becoming more submissive, and the issue then triggered his weak, vulnerable side to come forth.

How do you get your husband back? Well, the dynamics are such where that is difficult. By his fears of a separation, and by your words above, then that may be the healthy choice (the inevitable choice/manifested fears), and I say healthy because he would then face the mirror.

He could do intensive self reflective belief work, but as long as he is attached by the hip he is distracted, what is the motive? He may also fool/trick you by acquiescing to any therapy necessary while at the same time faking it, and happy when things turn out badly, for that reinforces the behavior and he would expect some guilt and empathy from you, do you see? In the act/actions of trying to keep you, he is pushing you away. It is misguided and childish, because he is a child, period.

I am arming you with enough ammunition here to open your eyes, wake up ! And thus you can ponder this, and come to an understanding, then you can face him - face the issue, you see.

In the meantime he is powerless in the face of the big giant adult/pseudo parent, you.

This has been a reading for you, end of information, end of post.

I will not edit for grammar unless something omitted is not understood. Otherwise it is what it is.

On some level I have always been completely aware of this. This dynamic exists constantly. I've also known that it is his way of asking for attention because he is too embarrased to say that he needs to be held. Just never saw it as core issue, more of a "side effect" of anxiety. But you are right. When his health anxiety kicked in ( he has always been an anxious person mind you, as you said, suffering from panic attacks etc.) I had significantly distanced myself because we had just had a miscarriage and I pulled away completely.

So spot on and thank you.

[Im-Suffering]

On some level I have always been completely aware of this. This dynamic exists constantly. I've also known that it is his way of asking for attention because he is too embarrased to say that he needs to be held. Just never saw it as core issue, more of a "side effect" of anxiety. But you are right. When his health anxiety kicked in ( he has always been an anxious person mind you, as you said, suffering from panic attacks etc.) I had significantly distanced myself because we had just had a miscarriage and I pulled away completely.

So spot on and thank you.

I cannot give you more, I'm not being given more, I do feel the pain here. But.... I am getting something.....You get what you expect, as a rule. And this is difficult to express feeling the pain and my mind is fuzzy when I try to see an outcome to help.

Now, I'm being told, let him be, period. I'm not saying do what right for you, because you do not have that answer. But, what you do have, is the way you picture him. You create your reality, let's not forget. In your persistent thoughts of his recovery, of his helping out, feeling better, gaining income, supporting you and your feelings. In all things he could be now, I want you to begin mentally portraying him as whole,healthy, and (your ideal of) a perfect husband/father. This you can do

No its not mental masterbation, or positive thinking, you cannot lie and picture him whole, all the while he is clinging to you for dear life, but, you can play a game, "I will for a month, when I think of him, I will see him as I want him to be, for 15 minutes a day, and if nothing changes, no harm done"

Its all about you. I'm telling you to change your perception of him, and watch his changes. Picture him strong, courageous,persistent, loving, helpful, independent, healthy, successful, kind, working/earning, capable, self reliant, complete, and picture him moving through his day as this ideal, put emotion behind it, and love. Do this before sleep as you doze off, leaving your mind to play with creative pictures/solutions as you dream.

I will tell you there is no other way for another to change unless you see them as you want them to be. You cannot physically manipulate, and I know up until now, its been hard to see him positively.

If you were sick, eventually you would put aside your thoughts of worsening, and desire health, you would begin to picture going shopping and the things you love to do, giving impetus to your cells to recoup you see. Should you continue to be afraid and see yourself sick in bed, well that's where you stay !

That's all I have, blessings to you on your journey.