Relationship anxiety

[brittney3255]

So, where to begin? I'm new to the boards (Hi!) but I'm desperate for some understanding into what I'm feeling and if this can be attributed to the anxiety or not. So to begin:

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now. We met online and finally had our first date after many emails, texts and conversations. The first date was sweet, we went to the zoo but it wasn't immediate attraction and not at all what I look for physically. But he had an amazing smile, a gorgeous jawline, and kind eyes. I had fun on our date and we got together again fairly quickly. He was obviously into me and he was definitely growing on me. We became intimate early on in our relationship. Now worth noting is, as embarrassing as it is, he was my first. Boyfriend, sexual partner, the whole shebang! I was 26 then. A lot of self esteem issues led to that being the case and me being single my whole life. Some guys filtered in and out but I never let my guard down to let them in. While I didn't feel butterflies, I did feel an immense comfort to being with my bf and when it got sexual I was more then willing to oblige. Our sex life was great for quite some time. But I was always a little disappointed by my lack of butterflies. I pushed the feelings away as I was still having a great time with him and he would be over to my place often. After talking with my mom she disclosed that even she doesn't get butterflies in her relationship and maybe I shouldn't focus in that but in how he makes me feel. That was good enough for me at the time and our relationship continued.

Fast forward to last year. I graduated college (Yay!) and move in with him in a new town for his job. From the beginning of the move things were just off. I dont handle change well and with all of that and other things I felt horrible overwhelmed. That's about the time our relationship started to suffer some. I was pretty sure I was depressed but I didn't want to go to the doctor, saying I'll fix it myself. We moved back to our old town and found a cute duplex together. Things were a little tense as my desire for intimacies crashed but still decent until 3 months ago. I don't know what prompted it but we went to a club he likes and I had a full blown anxiety attack. I couldn't breath, I was burning up, my heart was pounding, I felt sick. We left and didn't really talk about it much. I down played it and it was forgotten. Then like a week later I was perusing the internet and a pic of some newly weds came up and I looked up at my bf and immediately felt overcome with anxiety. Just like in the club. Again I played it off and went to bed. The next day at work my coworker mentioned I didn't look well and I told him I'm having some doubts about my bf and I. I immediately went into a tailspin. Lost it at work, ended up getting sent home. Now the mere thought of my bf makes me anxious. I'm constantly questioning if I really do love him or wondering if I'm just forcing it because he is seriously the most amazing man I know. Kindest heart, family loves him, wonderful to me, has a huge future ahead of him. The thought of him leaving my life also causes anxiety! The funny thing is before the first anxiety attack I could envision marrying him and having a family. Even now in the rare occasion I feel normal the thought still crosses my mind and doesn't paralyze me with fear.

I caved and went to the doctor after a continuous week of melt downs and she diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, anxiety attacks and insomnia. I was put on bupropion now at 300mg daily and I don't know if they have helped. Certainly not for the anxiety as it's getting worse but the depression is a little more bearable, my head is less cloudy then before.

Now it's just this constant intruding thoughts all day about my relationship and future with my bf. My sex drive is nil and his is way above average. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be touched because I know he'll grope for something and everything about sex turns me off right now. My irritation leak to him and he's left feeling insecure about my feeling towards him and has told me that he thinks I'm not attracted to him anymore.

There's a lot more to the story but as I've already written a novel, I'll spare you. Lol I'm just trying to see if anyone else has run into issues where you're relationship doesn't seem as strong as it used to be. I just loved to be in his presence but I can't turn a blind eye to the feelings I have when I'm anxious. Compounding the issue is the feeling of complete failure with not accomplishing my goals I set when I graduated. I basically feel like I'm failing at everything and all I want in a full day of no anxiey to wrap my head around my heart and know what I should do.

[ashly1221]

I am of no help. I have been feeling the same with my fiancé for a little while now. I think some doubt is normal to an extent though. Best of luck in figuring it out, and if you do, let me know. I could use a little advice as well.

[raggamuffin]

Anxiety and depression tends to be masked temporarily when a relationship is new. But after a time it's just another thing to be anxious or depressed about. Personally i'm not going to date again until I've sorted myself out and feel happy and stable.

Couple's counselling might be of help to you?

Ed

[ashly1221]

Anxiety and depression tends to be masked temporarily when a relationship is new. But after a time it's just another thing to be anxious or depressed about.

Ed


That is very true. When my fiancé and I started dating, I felt amazing. No anxiety, depression, nothing. Just pure me. It was great. Fast forward a few years and it's right back to where it left off without so much as a warning. Now, with new circumstances in our relationship it definitely makes things worse. All cards are on the table and I am on the fence. It's a shit show, and a really terrible feeling to look at the person you have spent the last x amount of years with and made a home together and all you can think to yourself is 'is this it, is this what I want to do with the rest of my life' it's tricky. Because at this point all my anxieties could just be piling up onto one subject right. hard to explain. All I know is I am usually a fairly level headed and practical person, and lately I am feeling the complete opposite. I can't even get my thoughts together it's ridiculous.

[Anne1221]

You've got two separate issues but I think you need to solve them in a particular order. First, get your anxiety under control and then secondly, look at your relationship without the anxiety. I'm not sure why your doctor gave you Wellbutrin as I have read that is good for depression, but not too much for anxiety. I think you need to figure out the answer to this question, why don't you want him to even touch you?

[brittney3255]

You've got two separate issues but I think you need to solve them in a particular order. First, get your anxiety under control and then secondly, look at your relationship without the anxiety. I'm not sure why your doctor gave you Wellbutrin as I have read that is good for depression, but not too much for anxiety. I think you need to figure out the answer to this question, why don't you want him to even touch you?

It's not so much that I just don't want his hands on me, it's just that with my sex drive being nil I worry that every touch is leading to intimancy. He does have a bit of a sex addiction and links sex to his esteem. So he is very touchy. A cuddle on the couch quickly turns to wandering hands and I'm left feeling irritated. I've become sort of numb to his sexual advances and feel bad for turning him down. I wish he would understand why I'm so disinterested, that it's not him. I just don't feel that way at all, for anyone. I do plan on speaking with my doc about other medication options.

[Im-Suffering]

It's not so much that I just don't want his hands on me, it's just that with my sex drive being nil I worry that every touch is leading to intimancy. He does have a bit of a sex addiction and links sex to his esteem. So he is very touchy. A cuddle on the couch quickly turns to wandering hands and I'm left feeling irritated. I've become sort of numb to his sexual advances and feel bad for turning him down. I wish he would understand why I'm so disinterested, that it's not him. I just don't feel that way at all, for anyone. I do plan on speaking with my doc about other medication options.

Medication will not return your zest for life. For the denial described is to deny ones self expression. To deny the very life force that is innate in all creatures, to deny joy (love), period. You still desire it, on a deeper level, but you stop the feeling, denying your sexuality, you forget who you are. He is no part in this, regardless of his so called addiction, neediness, he is your handy trigger, for when he is around, you are reminded of your fate, squarely in the face.

No matter the man, once you settle in with him the issues would remain, even prince charming in a knight costume would turn you off. The issues inception happened way before your first desire to even kiss a man. That's where you must go to heal.

Look to self expression problems, why you repress womanhood and most likely many of your true feelings, your natural instincts, and where the conflicts against the self were born. Self worth, fear of criticism, fear of the loss of love (or the lack thereof), loss (death or abandonment), and so forth.

That is enough to get you to think. Don't think about him, let him play with himself and his own esteem problems, until you can resolve your own. No guilt, until you do.

No need to answer, it is personal indeed. Advice: speak with someone qualified regarding the issues given. End of post.

Refresh the page, it has been edited/added. (Final at 10:53AM)

[Anne1221]

Well, medication has indeed helped me and many others. I see that it's not him, it's just that what you're going through has caused you to become disinterested in sex. I hope you can get to feeling better by working with your doctor, and then maybe you can work on the relationship more. But in all honesty, I have to warn you, that the medications that work so, so well for anxiety and depressions, the SSRI's like Celexa or Zoloft, can cause you problems with sexual intimacy but talk to your doctor about it.

[NixonRulz]

So, where to begin? I'm new to the boards (Hi!) but I'm desperate for some understanding into what I'm feeling and if this can be attributed to the anxiety or not. So to begin:

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now. We met online and finally had our first date after many emails, texts and conversations. The first date was sweet, we went to the zoo but it wasn't immediate attraction and not at all what I look for physically. But he had an amazing smile, a gorgeous jawline, and kind eyes. I had fun on our date and we got together again fairly quickly. He was obviously into me and he was definitely growing on me. We became intimate early on in our relationship. Now worth noting is, as embarrassing as it is, he was my first. Boyfriend, sexual partner, the whole shebang! I was 26 then. A lot of self esteem issues led to that being the case and me being single my whole life. Some guys filtered in and out but I never let my guard down to let them in. While I didn't feel butterflies, I did feel an immense comfort to being with my bf and when it got sexual I was more then willing to oblige. Our sex life was great for quite some time. But I was always a little disappointed by my lack of butterflies. I pushed the feelings away as I was still having a great time with him and he would be over to my place often. After talking with my mom she disclosed that even she doesn't get butterflies in her relationship and maybe I shouldn't focus in that but in how he makes me feel. That was good enough for me at the time and our relationship continued.

Fast forward to last year. I graduated college (Yay!) and move in with him in a new town for his job. From the beginning of the move things were just off. I dont handle change well and with all of that and other things I felt horrible overwhelmed. That's about the time our relationship started to suffer some. I was pretty sure I was depressed but I didn't want to go to the doctor, saying I'll fix it myself. We moved back to our old town and found a cute duplex together. Things were a little tense as my desire for intimacies crashed but still decent until 3 months ago. I don't know what prompted it but we went to a club he likes and I had a full blown anxiety attack. I couldn't breath, I was burning up, my heart was pounding, I felt sick. We left and didn't really talk about it much. I down played it and it was forgotten. Then like a week later I was perusing the internet and a pic of some newly weds came up and I looked up at my bf and immediately felt overcome with anxiety. Just like in the club. Again I played it off and went to bed. The next day at work my coworker mentioned I didn't look well and I told him I'm having some doubts about my bf and I. I immediately went into a tailspin. Lost it at work, ended up getting sent home. Now the mere thought of my bf makes me anxious. I'm constantly questioning if I really do love him or wondering if I'm just forcing it because he is seriously the most amazing man I know. Kindest heart, family loves him, wonderful to me, has a huge future ahead of him. The thought of him leaving my life also causes anxiety! The funny thing is before the first anxiety attack I could envision marrying him and having a family. Even now in the rare occasion I feel normal the thought still crosses my mind and doesn't paralyze me with fear.

I caved and went to the doctor after a continuous week of melt downs and she diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, anxiety attacks and insomnia. I was put on bupropion now at 300mg daily and I don't know if they have helped. Certainly not for the anxiety as it's getting worse but the depression is a little more bearable, my head is less cloudy then before.

Now it's just this constant intruding thoughts all day about my relationship and future with my bf. My sex drive is nil and his is way above average. It's gotten to the point where I don't even want to be touched because I know he'll grope for something and everything about sex turns me off right now. My irritation leak to him and he's left feeling insecure about my feeling towards him and has told me that he thinks I'm not attracted to him anymore.

There's a lot more to the story but as I've already written a novel, I'll spare you. Lol I'm just trying to see if anyone else has run into issues where you're relationship doesn't seem as strong as it used to be. I just loved to be in his presence but I can't turn a blind eye to the feelings I have when I'm anxious. Compounding the issue is the feeling of complete failure with not accomplishing my goals I set when I graduated. I basically feel like I'm failing at everything and all I want in a full day of no anxiey to wrap my head around my heart and know what I should do.

It seems to be one of two things. Either you don't really want to be with him and you are subconsciously causing the attacks or it's the association of a first panic attack with where you were and who you were with

My bet is on the latter

You seem to really dig him. If you mean what you write, I would find it hard to believe its subconscious

Some people in a tunnel back up feel claustrophobic and have a panic attack. Next thing you know when they are in a tunnel, they have an attack

Their brain made the connection that the tunnel caused the attack so the memory kicks in and sends the adrenaline to them in each tunnel

Your boyfriend happened to be in the line of fire that night. If you have had a panic attack, you were always predisposed to having them at some point. Lucky him just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

When you think about the cause of why it happened, you think I was with my boyfriend. You get concerned about why the hell it came on when I was with him and it scares you. Your brain just made the connection between sending adrenaline and your boyfriend

Retraining the brain is pretty easy. Not as easy as making the initial panic connection since you were in a heightened state

[brittney3255]

It seems to be one of two things. Either you don't really want to be with him and you are subconsciously causing the attacks or it's the association of a first panic attack with where you were and who you were with

My bet is on the latter

You seem to really dig him. If you mean what you write, I would find it hard to believe its subconscious

Some people in a tunnel back up feel claustrophobic and have a panic attack. Next thing you know when they are in a tunnel, they have an attack

Their brain made the connection that the tunnel caused the attack so the memory kicks in and sends the adrenaline to them in each tunnel

Your boyfriend happened to be in the line of fire that night. If you have had a panic attack, you were always predisposed to having them at some point. Lucky him just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time

When you think about the cause of why it happened, you think I was with my boyfriend. You get concerned about why the hell it came on when I was with him and it scares you. Your brain just made the connection between sending adrenaline and your boyfriend

Retraining the brain is pretty easy. Not as easy as making the initial panic connection since you were in a heightened state


That could be possible. I think I've just freaked myself out so bad that my only solution in my mind is to jump ship. In my past I gotten away with giving up on things because I got scared of them. I would feel overwhelmed, and obsess over how I wasn't catching on as quickly as I felt I should or didn't feel like I fit in as well. I would start to try talking myself down and saying it's not as bad as I'm making it but the negative part of me almost always wins and that little voice that says run is often what I listen to. I would eventually throw my hands up and rationalize why I needed to quit said uncomfortable experience.

One example: In high school I wanted to get my pilots license. My dad had his and I thought it would be fun. It started out great but one day I had a bad lesson while flying. I basically blew the whole exercise and would have to repeat the lesson. I freaked out. From the second the wheels hit the tarmack I had decided not to continue with my lessons and give it up. I gave some bs story to my folks about not wanting them to be spending so much on my lessons and I needed to focus more on school, whatever to get them to tell me it was a good idea to quit then. I still reget my decision to quit, not because I didn't get my license (honestly looking back now I think I just thought it would be fun but not a real passion) but that I gave in so quickly to that devil telling me I can't do it. It's been a pattern I've struggled with my whole life. I think a major factor in the emergence of this anxiety is that I finally graduated college and now I'm supposed to walk the talk. I spoke of all these big plans I had and while in college they are just still far enough out of reach that making big claims is easy but now that the time has come for me to actually do what I've been saying for years, I'm absolutely terrified I won't be able to do it and will disappoint my family and friends. I think this is also what I'm dealing with in my relationship now. Something happened to throw me off kilter and it's all I can do to not just run screaming into the night. Lol

I have been seeing a counselor but I'm actively looking for another as I feel I'm not making much progress with the lady I'm seeing. 5 sessions in and we haven't even spoke of goals I wish to obtain with therapy! I must say that it sucks that we all are dealing with these issues but it is so incredibly helpful to know I'm not completely alone. There's not much worse then feeling so horrible and having someone say to just 'think happy thoughts' and it will magically go away. I wish it were that easy!

[Fight the stress]

Hmm maybe since he was your first everything you have curiosity of what it would be like with other men??

[tired0319]

Hi Brittney, just wondering how things are going?

[Britanica]

I have found taking maca root helps my anxiety and panic attacks to a point. It could help your sex drive as well, though from personal experience with wanting to have nothing to do with sex, I can tell you, it is more than likely mental, not physical. Stress, anxiety, depression, anger, grief, insomnia, and poor self-esteem all effect your sexual desire, it is far worse on women than men. Women need emotional balance to feel desired, they need their heart to be touched before their body. This is why so many married women end up not having sex anymore. The husband stops feeding the emotions and the heart.

It is a shame... Women need emotional/loving stimulation to feel sexual and men need sexual stimulation to feel emotional/loving. This is why it is very important, specially for women, specially specially for women with anxiety, to be with someone who will not push sex on them or make it though it feels like without it, they wont be loved. It is a tricky thing. I am sitting here pretty confused myself. I wish I cold help more.

[sarah37]

I have been in your shoes to a certain extent. In my honest opinion I would communicate your problem to your bf and not keep this a secret from him anymore. There are many people (In high places) who suffer just like us so don't be ashamed. If he really cares about you, maybe even loves you, he will be completely understanding and be supportive. After awhile you will both be able to work on your problem together and life WILL be much easier. Communication is what saved me from losing my bf. He was on his way out until I leveled with him and told him the truth about my anxiety problems. He was ok with it and supports me and is my best friend etc.. We sometimes have fun with my problem... I will say "Oh shit I'm starting to freak out with all these new people I'm about to meet"...and he will say "just imagine them all naked when you meet them". "Stay close to me" etc....When he understands what's going on your sex life will get back to normal. If he is not supportive, he was never right for you in the beginning. Probably just in it for the sex in my opinion. I'm not sure about bupropion, but I know I don't want to be to duped up all the time. This made things worse for me. I regulate my dosage with valium. Take as needed. If going to work, social situations, etc... I take 5mg. prior to arrival to calm me, and I stay away from caffeine. To me its all about staying calm and keeping things in reality. I try to incorporate some exercise in my daily routine. I have a punching bag to release my anger and frustrations. This really helps me. I am far from well, but I have discovered that sometimes you have to reach within yourself and experiment with what works and what doesn't. No one else can do this but you. Hope this helps some.