too weak

[olivia4514]

Hello everyone, just wanted to ask for some help or support :(
Today I'm feeling so terrible. I've got a headache the size of titanic and I'm feeling so weak physically and mentally too. Like I'm drained or something. I feel like locking myself in my room and crying and smoking. I don't even know how I stooped this low.
Yesterday my mom OD-d on some fucking medications and it's making me very anxious, I'm really so scared.
Plus I've got these intrusive thoughts, constantly and I don't know how to cope with them. Maybe they will in fact never go away. I'm just dreaming of having a life without them..
And I fucking hate myself so much for being this little bitch and for all the pity-parties and for not being a good enough daugter ,friend, everything..
So please if you could give me any advice what to do or just some words of support or anything reply to me :)

[tony-]

Hey Olivia, keep your chin up gal! Life is a journey and it will have its ups and downs. keep the faith..

[Anne1221]

Olivia, you sound like a good person to me. The ones that don't care if they hurt anyone else, or care how their behavior affects others are the ones who are just totally self-centered and that doesn't sound like you.

[olivia4514]

thanks both of you.. :)
I hope I'm not as bad of a human being as I think I am. Nowadays I feel like I'm not worth shit and I'm just a poor excuse of a person. Right now I feel like I just can't climb up from some freakin' deep hole i fell in somehow,sometime.
My mom also needs me so much now, and I'm trying to support her as much as I can but it's probably not enough :( Maybe it's because I myself need some spark that would help me stand up.
Sorry for the metaphors btw.. I read too much.

[Cullingford]

Hi Olivia just to thank you for the chat earlier it was very nice to talk!. I really think you should seek some professional advice and try and get some medication, hopefully this will stop the intrusive thoughts and give you peace of mind. As for you being worthless I don't believe a word of it! the nice caring person I spoke to earlier definitely isn't worthless.

[Anne1221]

I think your mother is lucky to have you for a daughter. She should be helping you and yet it's the other way around, so feel good about yourself for that.

[Penguin]

i've gotten to the state of wanting to be locked in my room for hours and be left alone but that'll only make things worse. keep your head up and remember that these feelings will pass with time :) sometimes it's easier said than done but try to keep yourself occupied with something whenever you feel like this

[Nicestynikki]

Theres nothing wrong with a little pity party we all deserve/need one sometimes..I hope everything is ok with your mom, just remember sometimes we have to help ourselves before we can help others..

[olivia4514]

Hey you guys, thanks for all the replies :)
Today went better except one thing-my mom is now going away for therapy for 2 weeks , again. When she gets back, we will help each other. Guess these fucking issues must be in the family..
I'm gonna go to work this summer and well, now too after school, so that'll keep me occupied and there are a lot of fun people the hang with too. AND i'll have money :D that also means I'll finally be able to afford some therapy - If I find one. But so far none of these docs seemed like they could help me. Proffesional advice isn't working on me, I already know all that textbook shit, I need someone who can actually somehow feel my situation, like emhaty or whatever. I just got my mindset this way, that I need to help myself cause I have to be able to handle this on my own. I roll solo even in this situation i got in :( kinda sad but uhh..
And the intrusive thoughts weren't as strong today either.
I'll try to get out more, just force myself to do it even if there would be fireballs falling from the sky .. :)

[Fen667]

The therapy wil help your mother and I hope you can use the time to take time out for yourself too. You'll find a therepist to help you. I had counselling and it was such a great help to me at some extremely low points. You don't have to do it on your own. Sometimes we put others before ourselves and push our own issues to one side. I did that all the time, still do sometimes, but you have to take time and help yourself. Don't force yourself to do anything. Maybe think of reasons why you should or would like to do something. it could be sometthing as little as going to the shop for milk. Little steps take us forward.
You sound like a good soul.
Take care and good luck

[olivia4514]

thanks :)
btw.. I'm trying to fix my OCD with just doing nothing about these intrusive thoughts, because that's what almost every recovered one says that helped them. The problem is that they all say that these thoughts increase at first, because we stop doing all those mental compulsions such as telling ourselves how unreal and unimportant they are (which only makes them seem more important), and such, so there's nothing to relieve the anxiety now. And it's true, I'm now letting these disturbing thoughts just be here and do nothing, and they did increase a lot, now it's just like some voice in my head that won't leave the entire day, just like it used to be 4 months ago when my OCD first kicked in this hard. And I know I can't go back to my compulsions, I need to follow this way of coping so these thoughts will eventually lose their false importance and their impact, and then they won't be intrusive anymore and they won't bother as much and just leave. The thing is though, that these thoughs now shoot my anxiety up higher than Willie Nelson and that kinda makes them more impactful than they really are + this anxiety is terrbile in itself ,ya'll know.
So if you could help me in anyway, with what to do with this situation I would really apreciate that :) :(

[olivia4514]

please anyone help with this its kinda taking over:(

[MikesJewel]

Olivia,
Sorry I missed you again today on the chat!! I have to say that I am very new at this and am not sure about the terms. You asked me about intrusive thoughts, I don't mean to sound totally stupid, but I am not sure what that means? Are they thoughts of harming yourself? there are times when I am going through a "panic" that lasts about three days and comes about every three weeks. The panic is more like terror. I can't be alone and can't describe what I am afraid of. I don't really know, but there is a "pit" in my stomach and my heart pounds so hard that I think it's going to burst. During those times I have thoughts and have to say that I have even mentioned to my husband the thoughts, which are "I wish I weren't here". Would that be an intrusive thought?

I have had feelings of wanting to stay in my room on my bed in the dark and not see or talk to anyone. I totally understand the anxiety!! It is so hard to explain to someone who hasn't gone through anxiety. But the tense feeling and the tenseness building until I think I am going to burst. Lashing out when it gets unbearable, then the depression after because of feeling so horrible about myself for being such a horrible person!

Forgive me for not reading all your posts to find this out, but have you had any medication for the anxiety? I am currently on Welbutrin and it has helped me tremendously with the anxiety. My husband is actually not afraid to be around me now. . . I know how you feel about talking to specialists. . . I've done that and hear the same thing over and over again. Then they prescribe strong medicine to put me to sleep. I hate that!! I don't want to sleep through it, I want to not go through it!!

If others have been helped by not doing anything about the thoughts, then what I think is of no use because I have not been there. But I know that when anxiety shoots up higher than Willie Nelson, that's a horribly scary place. . .Like during my "panic" episodes and wishing I wasn't here could lead to something worse, couldn't it? Some of us could just have some kind of imbalance and is it horrible to take med if it helps us cope? I'm seriously asking, as I am searching to see if medicine is good or bad. . .So many on here talk about natural treatment. . . Are you taking any vitamins or herbs? Again, please forgive me for not reading to find out. . . I have just begun to take B vitamins and others that have been mentioned. I know I haven't helped you any, but hope that going through some of the same experiences helps ease your thoughts a little?

Take care and hang in there. Please know that I am here to listen if nothing else.

Sincerely,
MikesJewel

[olivia4514]

Yeah that sound like intrusive thoughts :/ Mine are not about harming myself ( maybe cause I don't give a fuck about if I get hurt physically ) but they definitely disturb and scare the hell outta me. Don't even want to name them :(
But I feel like they're not my thoughts and I can't control them and they have so much power over me :(
Exactly , those doctors just talk so much shit and then give you meds like here get hooked duhh .. But in fact I wouldn't even mind sleeping through it at this point even though I would still like to not go through it at first place.
I used to take valium now i'm taking it again but I don't want to. And about the natural stuff and vitamins - I take vitamins that contain everything from vitamins abcde to magnesium and all and Ginko biloba for my memory cause it's terrible. I also drink like 5 cups of tea a day,tea with bee balm or whatever you call it in english.
Wishing you wouldn't be there probably shouldn't lead to anything worse. Depends on the person. Maybe except a little bigger turmoil inside. I wish that too sometimes btw.
And yes knowing that someone somwhere goes through the same helps a lot, :) even though it's really unfortunate.
Thanks for replying:)