Has anyone overcome fear of abandonment or relationship anxiety?

[kailey105]

My anxiety manifests itself in all kinds of different ways. Lately, the biggest manifestation of my anxiety has come in the form of severe fear of abandonment. I've been dating a really amazing guy for over a year now. He's told me he intends to marry me. He treats me like a queen. He cooks dinner for me all the time. He does everything for me. He's aware of all of my anxieties and insecurities and is not freaked out by it.

However, I still go into full blown panic mode when I feel like I haven't heard from him in a while. If he doesn't reply to a text or an IM right away, I start to worry that he's ignoring me. Then all kinds of things start running through my mind: "He's annoyed with me." "He's realized that he doesn't want to be with me." And so on...

Even if he was super encouraging the day before, I still worry that suddenly things have changed in 24 hours. Or that maybe he wasn't being sincere yesterday when he told me how much he loved me.

I have had boyfriends do that to me, so I know there is a huge element of being afraid the past is going to repeat itself. I've had boyfriends say they love me (convincingly) one day, and then break up with me the next. I'm haunted by it. I'm so scared it's going to happen again.

Please, if anyone has any help or advice on how to overcome this, I would be grateful. Or even if you just have an encouraging word for me, it would mean a lot. I was just crying over the phone to my mom, and she really doesn't understand why I'm like this. She doesn't know what to say to help me.

[MyPerfectImperfections]

Hi,

I want to start out by saying that he sounds like a really great guy and seems to be very understanding! As for what you're feeling, it seems to me that you're thinking about what's happened in the past, which is completely understandable. I myself have gone through something similar, except with the image I had of myself. Thinking constantly "I'm not good enough, etc." what has helped me is looking in the mirror every morning and saying positive things to myself. Telling yourself how amazing and great a person you are and how anyone would be lucky to have you, whether it's as a friend or something else. As soon as you feel you're starting to think in a negative way, try to change it into positive. Instead of thinking "he must be ignoring me" try to think "he must be busy, as soon as he has a chance, I'm sure he'll answer me" This could be helpful when you're feeling that he has changed his mind about you. Also, I think it would be helpful for you to get out the way your past experiences made you feel, forgive, and try to let go. Easier said than done, right? It would take time, but I feel it's definitely possible. Those things happened in the past, you can't go back and change things, so why worry about them and let them ruin what you have now? *As hard as it is, It could be helpful. Don't let the past get in the way of your future. Keep smiling and talking positive.

I'm in no way a professional and I'm not the best with advice, but I hope this helped even just a little bit. Good luck!:)

-Minnie

[Chaized]

Can relate so much to this post- I don't have many words to say other than you're not the only one who thinks this way. And it is so incredibly hard to try and convince yourself that you're being silly in these kind if situations.

Hope things pick up ☺️

[meli26]

I can totally relate I am going through the exact same thing right now with my current bf. I feel like I'm going through hel everyday bc of it. I constantly feel like from one day to the next he's going to break some news that he doesn't wanna be with me anymore etc.. It's a fear I have everyday!

You're not alone in this I can guarantee u that. We have arguments very often bc of it, bc im always questioning his sincerity. I'm working on it bc I don't want it to ruin the beautiful thing we have.

It's very very hard to overcome and it will take time but it will pass. I am optimistic about it and u should be too. Whenever I get that feeling I always distract myself with something else, it's not easy but possible. It doesn't always work but at least ur trying. Time heals.

Keep ur head up!!

[kailey105]

It makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not alone! I feel so out of control with my thoughts sometimes. It doesn't matter how encouraging he is - my own irrational thoughts are more convincing than reality.

My bf knows that I struggle with this, and I don't want him to feel like he's constantly having to reassure me. I feel like having an outlet, like this forum, would give me a place to vent about it so that he doesn't get the brunt of my fears! Of course, my instinct when I feel this way is to try and have him convince me that everything is okay, but I know that only pushes people away - so most of the time, I just sit on it, but it is SO hard!

Thanks to everyone for your feedback. It means a lot! And I want to encourage all of you to also keep trying hard to push through it and trust!

[kailey105]

Hi,

I want to start out by saying that he sounds like a really great guy and seems to be very understanding! As for what you're feeling, it seems to me that you're thinking about what's happened in the past, which is completely understandable. I myself have gone through something similar, except with the image I had of myself. Thinking constantly "I'm not good enough, etc." what has helped me is looking in the mirror every morning and saying positive things to myself. Telling yourself how amazing and great a person you are and how anyone would be lucky to have you, whether it's as a friend or something else. As soon as you feel you're starting to think in a negative way, try to change it into positive. Instead of thinking "he must be ignoring me" try to think "he must be busy, as soon as he has a chance, I'm sure he'll answer me" This could be helpful when you're feeling that he has changed his mind about you. Also, I think it would be helpful for you to get out the way your past experiences made you feel, forgive, and try to let go. Easier said than done, right? It would take time, but I feel it's definitely possible. Those things happened in the past, you can't go back and change things, so why worry about them and let them ruin what you have now? *As hard as it is, It could be helpful. Don't let the past get in the way of your future. Keep smiling and talking positive.

I'm in no way a professional and I'm not the best with advice, but I hope this helped even just a little bit. Good luck!:)

-Minnie

For the record, I think you give great advice! This really helped and encouraged me. Thank you! Let me know if I can ever return the favor! This kind of thing is hard to cope with alone, and people who don't struggle with anxiety just have NO idea what it feels like! Thank you.

[bittersweetgirl]

Can relate so much to this post- I don't have many words to say other than you're not the only one who thinks this way. And it is so incredibly hard to try and convince yourself that you're being silly in these kind if situations.

Hope things pick up ☺️

Me too, exactly. I haven't figured out the best way to handle it, except to try to occupy myself with other things and people (even friendly strangers), and positive self-talk. Also, don't drink alcohol during times like that (you didn't say you did - just a warning to anyone struggling with this! :) )- it magnifies those worried feelings, rather than masking them, at least for me. Best wishes!

[kailey105]

Me too, exactly. I haven't figured out the best way to handle it, except to try to occupy myself with other things and people (even friendly strangers), and positive self-talk. Also, don't drink alcohol during times like that (you didn't say you did - just a warning to anyone struggling with this! :) )- it magnifies those worried feelings, rather than masking them, at least for me. Best wishes!

Good point about staying occupied. One weird thing I've realized is that I find myself obsessing over it because if I don't, then I feel like I don't have control. The truth is - I don't have control no matter what! Whether I'm dwelling on my fear or not, I have no control over the circumstances. It's that obsessing over things in the past that has gotten me into trouble. You start to create scenarios in your mind. You think maybe he's met another girl. Maybe he's not who he says he is. And then you start to BELIEVE those scenarios. And that's when the panic really sets in. Your fear starts to drive your behavior, so you start to act like a crazy, needy, obsessed, paranoid person (well, I do, anyway).

It's like, mentally, I'm aware that this is all in my head - and yet, I can't turn it off. So redirecting my focus to other things would be the healthy alternative! I so often forget that, and it's good to be reminded.:)

[kailey105]

I can totally relate I am going through the exact same thing right now with my current bf. I feel like I'm going through hel everyday bc of it. I constantly feel like from one day to the next he's going to break some news that he doesn't wanna be with me anymore etc.. It's a fear I have everyday!

You're not alone in this I can guarantee u that. We have arguments very often bc of it, bc im always questioning his sincerity. I'm working on it bc I don't want it to ruin the beautiful thing we have.

It's very very hard to overcome and it will take time but it will pass. I am optimistic about it and u should be too. Whenever I get that feeling I always distract myself with something else, it's not easy but possible. It doesn't always work but at least ur trying. Time heals.

Keep ur head up!!

I'm so sorry, it sounds like you're struggling as much as me! It can be a very frightening, lonely feeling. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. Keep up your amazing optimism, and I will work on doing the same!

[kailey105]

Me again, everyone. So this weekend, my boyfriend told me that he went to lunch with a co-worker who happened to be female. He wanted me to know, because he felt bad not telling me, but he also assured me that it was strictly a lunch between co-workers.

The more I thought about it, I started to build up anger and resentment towards him. So, I decided the next day to tell him how I felt. I told him that I trust him, and I know he did nothing wrong by going to lunch with this person, but it just upset me for whatever reason. He knows I've been cheated on in the past, and he wants me to feel secure that he's not going to do that.

He told me he understood my feelings, and didn't blame me for feeling a little upset. But once again, he assured me that this lunch was completely innocent, and he only told me about it because he wanted us to have no secrets from each other.

Ever since then, I've been having my bouts of fear again. I'm afraid that me telling him I was upset is going to make him feel trapped or that I'm too high maintenance. It doesn't help that he hasn't been feeling good the past two days and seems quieter. I don't want to make things worse by harassing him about it. I feel like the discussion is over, and that I need to just move on from it.

So that's why I'm here. I'm trying desperately to just let it go, and not keep rehashing it with him. Right now, I'm trying to lay low and just let it be. Thoughts, anyone?

[meli26]

Me again, everyone. So this weekend, my boyfriend told me that he went to lunch with a co-worker who happened to be female. He wanted me to know, because he felt bad not telling me, but he also assured me that it was strictly a lunch between co-workers.

The more I thought about it, I started to build up anger and resentment towards him. So, I decided the next day to tell him how I felt. I told him that I trust him, and I know he did nothing wrong by going to lunch with this person, but it just upset me for whatever reason. He knows I've been cheated on in the past, and he wants me to feel secure that he's not going to do that.

He told me he understood my feelings, and didn't blame me for feeling a little upset. But once again, he assured me that this lunch was completely innocent, and he only told me about it because he wanted us to have no secrets from each other.

Ever since then, I've been having my bouts of fear again. I'm afraid that me telling him I was upset is going to make him feel trapped or that I'm too high maintenance. It doesn't help that he hasn't been feeling good the past two days and seems quieter. I don't want to make things worse by harassing him about it. I feel like the discussion is over, and that I need to just move on from it.

So that's why I'm here. I'm trying desperately to just let it go, and not keep rehashing it with him. Right now, I'm trying to lay low and just let it be. Thoughts, anyone?

Hi kailey!

I would totally feel the way ur feeling for sure but I would also be happy that he told m. If course I would be happier if he didn't do it to begin with but give him props for even telling u. I don't think there is anything to worry about as I do think he's being honest from the sounds of it but I do understand where ur coming from too. I think u should lay low and not talk about it no matter how hard it is cause I know I would prolly burst out cause I can't keep anything in but I think its gonna hurt both of u more than do good if u bring it up again. If u told him u trusted him u gotta show him u do and thats a way of showing him by not bringing it up again.
It's definitely hard for sure but I think it's something u gotta do. I'm. In the same situation as u on many points about our relationship with our bf so I can totally relate to ur feelings and know that u r not alone.

Message me if u wanna talk more. We can also talk through text if it makes u feel better :)

[kailey105]

Hi kailey!

I would totally feel the way ur feeling for sure but I would also be happy that he told m. If course I would be happier if he didn't do it to begin with but give him props for even telling u. I don't think there is anything to worry about as I do think he's being honest from the sounds of it but I do understand where ur coming from too. I think u should lay low and not talk about it no matter how hard it is cause I know I would prolly burst out cause I can't keep anything in but I think its gonna hurt both of u more than do good if u bring it up again. If u told him u trusted him u gotta show him u do and thats a way of showing him by not bringing it up again.
It's definitely hard for sure but I think it's something u gotta do. I'm. In the same situation as u on many points about our relationship with our bf so I can totally relate to ur feelings and know that u r not alone.

Message me if u wanna talk more. We can also talk through text if it makes u feel better :)

Thank you! I agree that I should cut him some slack since he was honest and reassuring. I mostly feel bad for even telling him I was upset in the first place. I knew it was something I should let go of, but then my stupid mouth opened up, and then the tears started flowing. Things just feel weird right now, and I don't know if I'm the only one that feels it or if he feels weird too.

I'm not texting him today as much - just letting him come to me. We've talked a little, and he seems totally normal, but that doesn't usually help. I still get worried that he's "thinking" about things. I figured if I just act normal, then it will go away. I'm so not good at dealing with uncomfortable things, and yet I know that it is such a normal part of a relationship! Argh!

[meli26]

Yeah I know what u mean. No matter how hard I try to keep my mouth shut it just doesn't! I could think anything and it just can't stay shut. It's ok to tell him how u feel but maybe just not show ur mad but hurt instead. If u get mad ecerytime he's honest he won't be honest anymore, that's the problem. So be as cool as possible regardless of how hard it is and with time the feeling of hurt will go away n Ull move on to the next beautiful thing. I should take my own advice :P

I'm extremely anxious when it comes to my bf and I'm trying my hardest to stop but I feel like I can't. I observe everything he does and always get ideas about every move he makes and it's making me crazy and then i start assuming he doesn't like me anymore if he does something different, it's driving me up the walls and I just wish it could stop and no one can understand but someone who's living it, like you. So trust me I'm hear for u and I completely understand!

[Ritch]

Hey Kailey,

I have had some success overcoming this problem and I pointed out what I felt was important in making progress with these type of concerns. Pam and exactice also provided their input.

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?27870-When-the-mind-and-the-heart-does-two-different-things

It does sound like you are perhaps having irrational thoughts about the relationship (I have been there). Anxious people like us will develop fears about absolutely anything and the majority of time they will not happen. You also seem to be selling yourself short, you have only mentioned what you seem to view as negatives about yourself "anxieties and insecurities". If he is as you describe... basically an amazing guy..... he must feel the same way about you because he has been in a relationship with you for a year+.