Fear of Abandonment

[kailey105]

Hi, all! I have anxiety and ADHD. I also have a fear of abandonment. I take anxiety med, and I've been to therapy. The medicine helps, but the therapy didn't, so I stopped.

Here's my situation... Whenever I'm in a relationship, which has always been somewhat rare, I live in fear that the person is going to leave me. And then they usually do. My first boyfriend wasn't exactly the best one - he verbally abused me and cheated on me, and I was so insecure that I just allowed him to do it. Ultimately, he broke up with me.

It has been several years now, with a few more heartbreaking situations. I'm now in a relationship with an amazing guy. We've been dating for a year, and he's made it clear that he intends to marry me in no uncertain terms. He is highly reassuring and treats me like a queen.

But I still find myself - for NO reason - getting scared. He can do absolutely NOTHING wrong, and yet I get completely GRIPPED with a fear that he's going to break up with me at any moment. We can be driving along, perfectly normal, and I'll have this feeling like this relationship is doomed even though we often talk about a future together - of being old together, and having kids. I want to trust him, and feel secure that this is the real deal, but it's so scary! I'm afraid that as soon as I start to get comfortable, it will all go away.

He knows about this insecurity, but I don't know if he knows how extreme it is. I'm afraid for him to find out how much it affects me because I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy - I don't want him to find out how I feel and think I'm crazy.

Is this resonating with anyone? Does anyone have any success stories of overcoming these fears? How did you do it? Any advice or just an understanding word from someone would help me!

[After5hock]

Hi, all! I have anxiety and ADHD. I also have a fear of abandonment. I take anxiety med, and I've been to therapy. The medicine helps, but the therapy didn't, so I stopped.

Here's my situation... Whenever I'm in a relationship, which has always been somewhat rare, I live in fear that the person is going to leave me. And then they usually do. My first boyfriend wasn't exactly the best one - he verbally abused me and cheated on me, and I was so insecure that I just allowed him to do it. Ultimately, he broke up with me.

It has been several years now, with a few more heartbreaking situations. I'm now in a relationship with an amazing guy. We've been dating for a year, and he's made it clear that he intends to marry me in no uncertain terms. He is highly reassuring and treats me like a queen.

But I still find myself - for NO reason - getting scared. He can do absolutely NOTHING wrong, and yet I get completely GRIPPED with a fear that he's going to break up with me at any moment. We can be driving along, perfectly normal, and I'll have this feeling like this relationship is doomed even though we often talk about a future together - of being old together, and having kids. I want to trust him, and feel secure that this is the real deal, but it's so scary! I'm afraid that as soon as I start to get comfortable, it will all go away.

He knows about this insecurity, but I don't know if he knows how extreme it is. I'm afraid for him to find out how much it affects me because I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy - I don't want him to find out how I feel and think I'm crazy.

Is this resonating with anyone? Does anyone have any success stories of overcoming these fears? How did you do it? Any advice or just an understanding word from someone would help me!

Hi there Kailey. I know exactly what you're going through. I've been in a couple abusive relationships as well, and most people I've been with have cheated. My fiance is amazing, and has never laid a hand on me in any threatening way, but for some reason I'm afraid that I can't be good enough (even though I do everything for him), and that he'll leave me.. or that he'll get tired of me because I'm constantly worried, and I barely leave the house. We can be having the best day ever, and then two seconds later I'll be on the brink of crying TERRIFIED that he's about to break up with me. Idk what to do either. I've talked to him about it, but all it did was make him feel bad because he thinks that he did something wrong. Ugh. I'm so tired of being crazy.

[kailey105]

Hi there Kailey. I know exactly what you're going through. I've been in a couple abusive relationships as well, and most people I've been with have cheated. My fiance is amazing, and has never laid a hand on me in any threatening way, but for some reason I'm afraid that I can't be good enough (even though I do everything for him), and that he'll leave me.. or that he'll get tired of me because I'm constantly worried, and I barely leave the house. We can be having the best day ever, and then two seconds later I'll be on the brink of crying TERRIFIED that he's about to break up with me. Idk what to do either. I've talked to him about it, but all it did was make him feel bad because he thinks that he did something wrong. Ugh. I'm so tired of being crazy.

I'm glad you have an amazing fiance who seems to be understanding of your struggles. My boyfriend is the same way. I've tried to explain my insecurities to guys in past relationships, and they responded by either thinking I was crazy, or thinking I was just being too needy or clingy. Needless to say, they would wind up leaving, and thus, the very thing I was afraid of happened because of the way that I am. Self-fulfilling prophecy!

My current boyfriend seems to understand that a lot of this is caused by the chemical imbalance in my brain plus past experiences, and not anything that he's done wrong. I try to make it VERY clear to him that he is not at all to blame. I also try to encourage him by telling him that he truly helps me to get past this by being supportive. I would encourage you to continue to show your appreciation to your fiance, so that he knows he hasn't messed up, and that this is YOUR problem not his. Tell him that he can help you by continuing to be supportive, but make him understand that he did not cause your problem and isn't responsible for "fixing" it. I know you know this, but it might help him to hear that he's doing a great job with you! I'm sure it'll strengthen your relationship with him, and help you to start moving past your anxieties.

I'm feeling better today. Mostly, I feel silly for getting insecure at the dumbest things. Right now, I'm just trying to not dwell on it too hard, but I'm sure another day I'll find some other reason to feel anxious. Argh! So frustrating!

Hang in there.

[After5hock]

I'm glad you have an amazing fiance who seems to be understanding of your struggles. My boyfriend is the same way. I've tried to explain my insecurities to guys in past relationships, and they responded by either thinking I was crazy, or thinking I was just being too needy or clingy. Needless to say, they would wind up leaving, and thus, the very thing I was afraid of happened because of the way that I am. Self-fulfilling prophecy! My current boyfriend seems to understand that a lot of this is caused by the chemical imbalance in my brain plus past experiences, and not anything that he's done wrong. I try to make it VERY clear to him that he is not at all to blame. I also try to encourage him by telling him that he truly helps me to get past this by being supportive. I would encourage you to continue to show your appreciation to your fiance, so that he knows he hasn't messed up, and that this is YOUR problem not his. Tell him that he can help you by continuing to be supportive, but make him understand that he did not cause your problem and isn't responsible for "fixing" it. I know you know this, but it might help him to hear that he's doing a great job with you! I'm sure it'll strengthen your relationship with him, and help you to start moving past your anxieties.I'm feeling better today. Mostly, I feel silly for getting insecure at the dumbest things. Right now, I'm just trying to not dwell on it too hard, but I'm sure another day I'll find some other reason to feel anxious. Argh! So frustrating! Hang in there.

Thanks. I will definitely continue to do so. :)
Now, I just need to learn to control my emotions when I try to explain things. I usually end up cry uncontrollably.

[kailey105]

Thanks. I will definitely continue to do so. :)
Now, I just need to learn to control my emotions when I try to explain things. I usually end up cry uncontrollably.

I know the feeling! Yesterday, when I had my little breakdown, I was crying in front of him. It's embarrassing, but if he loves you then the tears won't bother him! The more you talk to him about it, the easier it will become!

Do you take any medication? I'm on 50mg of sertraline, and I find that it really helps me. When I don't take it, I notice a definite difference in my mood. I also take 10mg of hydroxyzine as needed. It just calms the nerves.

[After5hock]

I know the feeling! Yesterday, when I had my little breakdown, I was crying in front of him. It's embarrassing, but if he loves you then the tears won't bother him! The more you talk to him about it, the easier it will become! Do you take any medication? I'm on 50mg of sertraline, and I find that it really helps me. When I don't take it, I notice a definite difference in my mood. I also take 10mg of hydroxyzine as needed. It just calms the nerves.

The only thing I take is Hydroxyzine as needed, but I don't take it very often. Mostly because I don't eat much, and whenever I take anything on an empty stomach, I get sick. I had just tried Seroquel, but the effect it had on me impaired my ability to work.. I have an appointment (my last) with my psych on the 15th. (He is being let go) I think that we're trying a blood pressure med this time.

[bittersweetgirl]

Hi, all! I have anxiety and ADHD. I also have a fear of abandonment. I take anxiety med, and I've been to therapy. The medicine helps, but the therapy didn't, so I stopped.

Here's my situation... Whenever I'm in a relationship, which has always been somewhat rare, I live in fear that the person is going to leave me. And then they usually do. My first boyfriend wasn't exactly the best one - he verbally abused me and cheated on me, and I was so insecure that I just allowed him to do it. Ultimately, he broke up with me.

It has been several years now, with a few more heartbreaking situations. I'm now in a relationship with an amazing guy. We've been dating for a year, and he's made it clear that he intends to marry me in no uncertain terms. He is highly reassuring and treats me like a queen.

But I still find myself - for NO reason - getting scared. He can do absolutely NOTHING wrong, and yet I get completely GRIPPED with a fear that he's going to break up with me at any moment. We can be driving along, perfectly normal, and I'll have this feeling like this relationship is doomed even though we often talk about a future together - of being old together, and having kids. I want to trust him, and feel secure that this is the real deal, but it's so scary! I'm afraid that as soon as I start to get comfortable, it will all go away.

He knows about this insecurity, but I don't know if he knows how extreme it is. I'm afraid for him to find out how much it affects me because I don't want it to be a self-fulfilling prophecy - I don't want him to find out how I feel and think I'm crazy.

Is this resonating with anyone? Does anyone have any success stories of overcoming these fears? How did you do it? Any advice or just an understanding word from someone would help me!

I'll write more when I have time - but yep, this is me. I'm starting to overcome it only through intensive therapy and lots of reading and thinking. I've had to set up boundaries with everyone, plus try to let certain people disappear from my life, which is so difficult for me!

For me, I suspect this is a result of childhood trauma - I'm working on that!

[kailey105]

I'll write more when I have time - but yep, this is me. I'm starting to overcome it only through intensive therapy and lots of reading and thinking. I've had to set up boundaries with everyone, plus try to let certain people disappear from my life, which is so difficult for me!

For me, I suspect this is a result of childhood trauma - I'm working on that!

What kind of therapy are you doing? I was seeing a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. She was a nice person to talk to, but she wasn't really giving me any good tools that I could use to overcome it. It was a lot of talking.

[bittersweetgirl]

What kind of therapy are you doing? I was seeing a counselor, but it didn't seem to help. She was a nice person to talk to, but she wasn't really giving me any good tools that I could use to overcome it. It was a lot of talking.

I was in a outpatient program at a hospital - basically cognitive behavioral therapy for 4 hours a day. Mostly in groups, but also some personal discussions with some awesome hardcore therapists. I've had very little luck with individual "outside" therapists, unfortunately. These hospital therapists were really compassionate, and also gently challenged my way of thinking. I feel like most outside therapists come off as argumentative - that's just from my perspective. I know they're trying to get me to see my "mistakes" or whatever, but I'm so sensitive that I feel hurt and then start either retreating or fighting back. One of the hospital therapists has her own practice too though, and I'm going to see her tomorrow. You might be like me and need a really compassionate therapist who is able to recognize how far they can push you (it's a fine line with me!). Some therapists just "get it", and it's an almost instant connection.

[WestCanada05]

I know how you feel. My ex broke up with me when my feelings for her were at my strongest. After the break up I pretty much destroyed myself with stress and anxiety, and led to most of my anxiety problems I have today. I began a new relationship back in October, and so far its being going good, she is a great girl and supportive. However whenever she calls me or sais she needs to talk about something I get really bad anxiety symptoms and I my body just prepares to hear bad news. Some other problems that come with this is it drains me mentally, and I am not sure how it works with girls, but for me getting an erection and in the mood for sex becomes a lot more difficult. Whenever I try to make love to her I get this thought of she is just going to leave me like my ex, and it kills my mood, but then I realize that I am not getting an erection going at all and then I think she is going to leave me because I can't have good sex with her. Its a cycle that I really need to stop. :(

[meli26]

I can totally relate n im going through the exact same thing. I'm with someone amazing but I feel like it's getting ruined bc I fear he will leave me any day. Also bc ecerytime he talks to other girls it makes me think like something is going on or he's saying something to them he shouldn't be saying but I know he's not n it's just my anxiety but is causing problems bc he feels that I don't trust him. I can totally relate. I feel like that everyday! Hope it gets better for you! Ur not alone