Marriage&Anxiety. :S

[After5hock]

Over Christmas, my boyfriend had proposed to me, and of course I said yes. I'm very excited, and I can actually see a future with him. The thing is, its starting to terrify me. I've been married before, but (I hate to say it like this) he was dying.. so it wasn't that much of a commitment. For the last few days all I can think about is that I'm going to be a horrible wife, and probably an even worse mother. I should know that this can't be true when he's always telling me that I'm going to be a wonderful wife, and I'm really good with kids. Idk if it's just my anxiety getting to me, or if I'm thinking more realistically about the future (since I've never really thought about even having one). I'm scared that one day, I'll wake up, and he just decided to start being abusive like my ex (which I doubt would ever happen).. or that I'm not going to be able to satisfy all that is asked of me or expected.
What I'm even more afraid of is that I'll never be able to control my thoughts/anxiety/worrying. I'm constantly worried of losing him in any way. Like its burned into my brain almost the I have to be hit, I have to obey, or that my s.o will cheat. This isn't a way to live, or how to feel about relationships. I feel so bad that I can't let go of what has happened to allow me to fully trust anyone ever again. I'm just scared that my mental health will rip this relationship apart, and it's the best one that I've ever had. He's so amazing to me, but I'm so scared that I'll start pushing him away like everyone else. I guess that I'm just kinda looking to hear how anxiety has effected your marriages. If it was negative effect, was it for the better, or was if it was able to be fixed. I just don't want to start a family, and have it fall apart when we have little kiddos.. my parents divorced when I was two, and it had made a huge impact on me growing up. (Although my parents did live three hours apart.) It's insane the way that people treat each other in front of their kids, and talk crap about one another.. but all that's doing is being stored in your baby's memory. My mom used to tell me all the time that my dad is a loser, and that he never loved her. My dad would say even worse things about my mom. It broke my heart hearing all these things.. I never want to put a child through that. That's why I'm here, rambling.. *sigh*

[needtogetwell]

Over Christmas, my boyfriend had proposed to me, and of course I said yes. I'm very excited, and I can actually see a future with him. The thing is, its starting to terrify me. I've been married before, but (I hate to say it like this) he was dying.. so it wasn't that much of a commitment. For the last few days all I can think about is that I'm going to be a horrible wife, and probably an even worse mother. I should know that this can't be true when he's always telling me that I'm going to be a wonderful wife, and I'm really good with kids. Idk if it's just my anxiety getting to me, or if I'm thinking more realistically about the future (since I've never really thought about even having one). I'm scared that one day, I'll wake up, and he just decided to start being abusive like my ex (which I doubt would ever happen).. or that I'm not going to be able to satisfy all that is asked of me or expected. What I'm even more afraid of is that I'll never be able to control my thoughts/anxiety/worrying. I'm constantly worried of losing him in any way. Like its burned into my brain almost the I have to be hit, I have to obey, or that my s.o will cheat. This isn't a way to live, or how to feel about relationships. I feel so bad that I can't let go of what has happened to allow me to fully trust anyone ever again. I'm just scared that my mental health will rip this relationship apart, and it's the best one that I've ever had. He's so amazing to me, but I'm so scared that I'll start pushing him away like everyone else. I guess that I'm just kinda looking to hear how anxiety has effected your marriages. If it was negative effect, was it for the better, or was if it was able to be fixed. I just don't want to start a family, and have it fall apart when we have little kiddos.. my parents divorced when I was two, and it had made a huge impact on me growing up. (Although my parents did live three hours apart.) It's insane the way that people treat each other in front of their kids, and talk crap about one another.. but all that's doing is being stored in your baby's memory. My mom used to tell me all the time that my dad is a loser, and that he never loved her. My dad would say even worse things about my mom. It broke my heart hearing all these things.. I never want to put a child through that. That's why I'm here, rambling.. *sigh*

Hi after,

Keep one very important fact in mind. Your fiancé is not your former husband! Give him a chance!

The other thing I'm going to tell you is if he doesn't know all of how you are feeling then you must tell him. He deserves the opportunity to tell you that he is by your side no matter what.

What you are doing here is really typical of those of us with anxiety issues. You are on what I call the "what if" merry go round. Jump off , right now! If you stay on it you are going to get dizzy and spun. Deal in the facts!

And the fact is, you have a man who obviously loves you very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Marriage is about taking life's journey together. All the great stuff and sometimes not so great stuff. You are a lucky lady to have such an awesome opportunity!

Cheers! And good luck! Go have fun planning your wedding!
Pam

[After5hock]

Hi after,

Keep one very important fact in mind. Your fiancé is not your former husband! Give him a chance!

The other thing I'm going to tell you is if he doesn't know all of how you are feeling then you must tell him. He deserves the opportunity to tell you that he is by your side no matter what.

What you are doing here is really typical of those of us with anxiety issues. You are on what I call the "what if" merry go round. Jump off , right now! If you stay on it you are going to get dizzy and spun. Deal in the facts!

And the fact is, you have a man who obviously loves you very much and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. Marriage is about taking life's journey together. All the great stuff and sometimes not so great stuff. You are a lucky lady to have such an awesome opportunity!

Cheers! And good luck! Go have fun planning your wedding!
Pam

Thanks Pam. I know that he isn't my former husband, but it's so hard not to flinch over the treatment I suffered for too many years. I was wondering if I may feel like that because I never really dealt with his death, and haven't cared much to. I have nightmares every night, and sometimes when I wake up in the morning, it still feels like it's all happening, and I'm just waiting for the sting of a slap, or the hurt of infidelity.. it's just hard.. especially since I don't want to talk about what I already have to relive every night.
My fiance knows that I've been abused I'm many forms, and it upsets him. I've even talked to him about how it's so hard to let it go, and it's something that really scares me. He did reassure me that it's never going to happen to me again as long as I'm with him. A couple weeks ago, I made him start to tear up.. he was saying something, but I was reading so I barely heard him, and he went to point at something to get my attention.. my reflexes instantly- gasp, and noticeably flinch. Like, I can't get it out of my head that things should be that way. I just don't want him to start thinking that he's a bad person because of my reflexes, or worse (leave me).

[needtogetwell]

Thanks Pam. I know that he isn't my former husband, but it's so hard not to flinch over the treatment I suffered for too many years. I was wondering if I may feel like that because I never really dealt with his death, and haven't cared much to. I have nightmares every night, and sometimes when I wake up in the morning, it still feels like it's all happening, and I'm just waiting for the sting of a slap, or the hurt of infidelity.. it's just hard.. especially since I don't want to talk about what I already have to relive every night. My fiance knows that I've been abused I'm many forms, and it upsets him. I've even talked to him about how it's so hard to let it go, and it's something that really scares me. He did reassure me that it's never going to happen to me again as long as I'm with him. A couple weeks ago, I made him start to tear up.. he was saying something, but I was reading so I barely heard him, and he went to point at something to get my attention.. my reflexes instantly- gasp, and noticeably flinch. Like, I can't get it out of my head that things should be that way. I just don't want him to start thinking that he's a bad person because of my reflexes, or worse (leave me).

Have you had an opportunity to see a therapist about all that you went through? Sometimes it helps to have an unbiased person guide you through the recovery from such an awful ordeal.

Just a thought.
Pam

[After5hock]

Have you had an opportunity to see a therapist about all that you went through? Sometimes it helps to have an unbiased person guide you through the recovery from such an awful ordeal.

Just a thought.
Pam

I have, and it only got worse. :( I know it's not true, but I feel like there's just no hope.

[needtogetwell]

I have, and it

only got worse. :( I know it's not true, but I feel like there's just no hope.

Ok so first suggestion a failure :( maybe something like this.... To keep you in the present rather than the horrible past and undetermined future.....

There is a sticky thread about 5 things we are grateful for, try each day to write 5 things. It is a good exercise for living in the present and appreciating what is so good today! You have lots of good stuff today. Yesterday and tomorrow don't matter.

Today you have.... A fiancé who loves and adores you ..... People here who care about you....you are caring and patient with people here who are having a tough time ( I know cause I read lots and lots of posts). That's just 3... You can come up with 2 more!

Give it a go, it may help!
Pam

[Dorriekeepson23]

After5hock, Hey there girl. Pam has given you some really good advice. She's pretty great at that!!!! I share certain things, and try not to go into too many details. I'm not saying you did. OMG, dont think I meant that. What I'm trying to say, is I would like to share something with you, but I don't go into too deep of details. Just try to keep it kind of to the point. Hey this happened, without the gory details. Can you tell I'm nervous? Ha Ha. Ohhh goodness me!! Here it is hon. I agree with everything Pam said and suggested. I just want you to know I completely understand where you're at right now. My father was an abusive alcoholic. No stories, just I can relate to the slap on the face, etc.. I was married to my ex-husband who was extremely abusive. I've been there, wrote the book, got the T-Shirt, etc... on this one. I'm not a fancy talker. I don't use all these fancy words and terms. One, I don't know how, and not good at it. lol. And two, that's not my personality. But I'm NOT KNOCKING the people who are good at that. I was the same way when I finally divorced my ex. I was a single parent for several years, and I was very hurt, and had a bad a-- attitude. Not bragging about that, just being honest. If I started dated someone, oh..especially regarding my kids, the first word said to them I didn't like, and it was Get Out and Dont Let The Door Hit Where You Were Split!!! And the tiniest thing to me. I kind of got myself back in a half way state of mind, when I did this to someone over something he didn't mean bad, and I threw him out..but..really liked this one, and realized I let a good thing go. I knew I had to start working on myself. I married my hubby with the same attitude. It was a bit better, but there were so many scars, and my mind was just like yours. Well, I'll be a little blunt, not hurtful at all. helpful, Faith is bigger than Fear. Who showed and taught me this? My husband. It got to the point he sat me down, and just bluntly asked me "Do you want to be happy"? Of course I said "Yes". He said "Then let me make you happy". "You are the one keeping me from doing it.". I didn't just jump up instantly... all better. It took time, but if you continue like this, and I'm not downing or scolding... I was too...remember!! But if you don't try and figure a way out to overcome this somehow, how do you KNOW that you may be missing out on happiness and good memories. I was diagnosed with PTSD. The red medical book, I wasn't suppose to get ahold of one time when I was in treatment, gave several examples of PTSD. The main one to me would probably be our hero's who faced and saw who knows all what, when they come home from war. But one example was if you lost three or more immediate family members in a short amount of time. Which I did. Another, A very bad childhood, with abuse, and lots of screaming and yelling non stop, etc... me and you both did. Being abused, you and I both were in all ways. That leaves some pretty hefty scars. But NOT everyone is like that. Last week was a rough week for me. Lets just say I was very sick. My hubby took off work, so I wouldn't have to go to the hospital. One day I said "I'm sorry". He looked at me and told me to never say that to him again. He said the number one absolute most important thing in my life. The one thing that means more to me than anything else in this world, is my wife. You. And I will go above and beyond all means neccessary to take care of her until the day I die. I just looked at him with this stupid shocked look on my face. lol. How do you know, you didn't just marry someone like that. It's possible. I just hate to see the same thing happening to you, that I did. Well, I stopped. I changed. I was determined that my past was NOT going to prevent me from future Happiness!!! I got away from that crap finally, now I want some happiness. I want you to TRY, just TRY and think about what I've said. He's not your monster. Your enemy. The past is. Start trying to control what your mind tells you. YOU tell YOURSELF, "I AM a great person" "I AM a great mother" "I CAN have a happy life" "He IS a good man". Don't allow that other crap to control how you think about yourself. Your better and stronger than that. We may have been through Hell in our pasts, but sometimes it's those who end up the happiest in the end. IF... you're strong enough, and you are, to STOP the PAST from CONTROLLING how you live and think today. I swear on my life, I don't mean one word of this mean. It's these words that helped me!!! I'm only trying to help. It wasn't easy for me to do. I'm not downplaying the very real issues your facing and dealing with. It's awful. But it can be overcome, hon. I am here... anytime you need to talk. I mean that. I had a friend who had no children, and she was always saying how she just knew she knew what it would feel like to have a baby. lol. Seriously. It got on my nerves so bad, one day she was talking about it, she knew EVERYTHING, and I had it, and stopped her and told her, "You're crazy in your head going around saying you just know what it feels like to have a baby. Well honey, until you've HAD one of those bad boys, you don't have a clue what you're talking about"!!! lol. :) Sometimes it's nice to talk to someone who knows what true pain feels like doesnt it? I'm here whenever. Dorrie

[Dorriekeepson23]

Ok so first suggestion a failure :( maybe something like this.... To keep you in the present rather than the horrible past and undetermined future.....

There is a sticky thread about 5 things we are grateful for, try each day to write 5 things. It is a good exercise for living in the present and appreciating what is so good today! You have lots of good stuff today. Yesterday and tomorrow don't matter.

Today you have.... A fiancé who loves and adores you ..... People here who care about you....you are caring and patient with people here who are having a tough time ( I know cause I read lots and lots of posts). That's just 3... You can come up with 2 more!

Give it a go, it may help!
Pam

Hey sweatheart!! Hows my Pam friend doing today? I'm feeling better and better. Heads clear, More energy. I just wanted to give you a high five on your advice. You're a pretty special and awesome person, who I'm very thankful for being here. Love, d.

[After5hock]

Ok so first suggestion a failure :( maybe something like this.... To keep you in the present rather than the horrible past and undetermined future.....There is a sticky thread about 5 things we are grateful for, try each day to write 5 things. It is a good exercise for living in the present and appreciating what is so good today! You have lots of good stuff today. Yesterday and tomorrow don't matter.

I will give it a try.


After5hock, Hey there girl. Pam has given you some really good advice. She's pretty great at that!!!! I share certain things, and try not to go into too many details. I'm not saying you did. OMG, dont think I meant that. What I'm trying to say, is I would like to share something with you, but I don't go into too deep of details. Just try to keep it kind of to the point. Hey this happened, without the gory details. Can you tell I'm nervous? Ha Ha. Ohhh goodness me!! Here it is hon. I agree with everything Pam said and suggested. I just want you to know I completely understand where you're at right now. My father was an abusive alcoholic. No stories, just I can relate to the slap on the face, etc..

I'm sorry if it was too much detail for anyone. I was nervous about typing it. Sometimes I don't really have a filter, but I did keep tons unwrapped. I don't (well now, didnt) have very many people to talk to about what's going on that it just sorta had a slight cascade effect.
I really appreciate you sharing your story a little bit with me. It is nice to know that you're not alone. I've try so hard not to think about things that have happened, but once I have a moment to relax and put my mental guard down, it's like a flood of irritation. I don't mean to think about it, or anything like that, it just happens. Always in the mornings I'm a little extra down because of my nightmares that I have every night. I'm trying so hard to get over something that has nearly consumed me, and I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat. Over the weekend I had started talking Seroquel, and I slept great and didn't have racing thoughts very much.. but it just made me feel so horrible. I could barely stand because I was soo dizzy the whole time. I stopped taking it yesterday, and starting to feel a little better, but the racing thoughts never go away without pharmaceutical assistance. I'm just getting worse, and not much helps. Most of the meds make me unwell in some stupid way. I just wish that I could take a short break from being crazy. Even if it's for one day. (Sorry if I strayed a little, or whatever. I have a really bad headache right now. :(

[Dorriekeepson23]

I will give it a try.



I'm sorry if it was too much detail for anyone. I was nervous about typing it. Sometimes I don't really have a filter, but I did keep tons unwrapped. I don't (well now, didnt) have very many people to talk to about what's going on that it just sorta had a slight cascade effect.
I really appreciate you sharing your story a little bit with me. It is nice to know that you're not alone. I've try so hard not to think about things that have happened, but once I have a moment to relax and put my mental guard down, it's like a flood of irritation. I don't mean to think about it, or anything like that, it just happens. Always in the mornings I'm a little extra down because of my nightmares that I have every night. I'm trying so hard to get over something that has nearly consumed me, and I'm exhausted trying to stay afloat. Over the weekend I had started talking Seroquel, and I slept great and didn't have racing thoughts very much.. but it just made me feel so horrible. I could barely stand because I was soo dizzy the whole time. I stopped taking it yesterday, and starting to feel a little better, but the racing thoughts never go away without pharmaceutical assistance. I'm just getting worse, and not much helps. Most of the meds make me unwell in some stupid way. I just wish that I could take a short break from being crazy. Even if it's for one day. (Sorry if I strayed a little, or whatever. I have a really bad headache right now. :(

Wait a minute, missy. :) I thought you might take that wrong. You didn't share too much, and don't have ANYTHING to say you're sorry over. I was talking about me. I'll tell you why I said that. My husband didn't want me to join the site at first period. He was afraid of ME doing that. Finally, I told him one day that I had joined, and had been on here for a week. That I needed it desperately, as he has very very little time. He was okay with it, but he drilled and drilled and drilled into my skull lol. "Don't say too much" "Dont give personal information, like addresses, phone numbers, etc... On and on and on. I take sooo much, than I snap. I snapped. lol. I was like... I am NOT STUPID!!!! So, I guess he got me a little over cautious about sharing. I've shared personal stuff. About my son in jail. I think thats ok, if I want and NEED to talk about it. It's one of the main things upsetting to me right now. But I dont go into detail, where he is, his name, our names, phone numbers. I mean, I'm not dumb. I can say my son is in jail and why, and leave it there. I COULD get more personal, but I'm not a moron. So, please accept my apologies. You shared exactly what you needed too. And if I were in your shoes I would have said the same thing. I feel bad now. My goal is to help, not make you feel like you said something wrong, or too much. You didn't. And I do care, thats why I shared back. I am so sorry. I used to be an open book a few yrs. back. Tell everyone anything. That backfired on me, and I'm not so open as I used to be, but I still share personal stuff in an appropriate way. And You did Too!!! Hopefully, now you'll understand what I meant and the context I meant it in. I hope you respond back now, and let me know you got what I meant, it wasn't about you, and its all good now. That sure would make me feel better. K? Thats what this site is for, to share what you need to. Whatever that might be. write me back and let me know you got what I meant now. K? D.

[After5hock]

Wait a minute, missy. :) I thought you might take that wrong. You didn't share too much, and don't have ANYTHING to say you're sorry over. I was talking about me. I'll tell you why I said that. My husband didn't want me to join the site at first period. He was afraid of ME doing that. Finally, I told him one day that I had joined, and had been on here for a week. That I needed it desperately, as he has verye very little time. He was okay with it, but he drilled and drilled and drilled into my skull lol. "Don't say too much" "Dont give personal information, like addresses, phone numbers, etc... On and on and on. I take sooo much, than I snap. I snapped. lol. I was like... I am NOT STUPID!!!! So, I guess he got me a little over cautious about sharing. I've shared personal stuff. About my son in jail. I think thats ok, if I want and NEED to talk about it. It's one of the main things upsetting to me right now. But I dont go into detail, where he is, his name, our names, phone numbers. I mean, I'm not dumb. I can say my son is in jail and why, and leave it there. I COULD get more personal, but I'm not a moron. So, please accept my apologies. You shared exactly what you needed too. And if I were in your shoes I would have said the same thing. I feel bad now. My goal is to help, not make you feel like you said something wrong, or too much. You didn't. And I do care, thats why I shared back. I am so sorry. I used to be an open book a few yrs. back. Tell everyone anything. That backfired on me, and I'm not so open as I used to be, but I still share personal stuff in an appropriate way. And You did Too!!! Hopefully, now you'll understand what I meant and the context I meant it in. I hope you respond back now, and let me know you got what I meant, it wasn't about you, and its all good now. That sure would make me feel better. K? Thats what this site is for, to share what you need to. Whatever that might be. write me back and let me know you got what I meant now. K? D.

I'm sorry Dorrie, I had misread what you typed in the first place. Oh my. Nothing like a pair of anxious people scrambling to apologize/elaborate. Lol. My man gave me the No Personal Info talk to. I'm too paranoid of a person to just spout of that kind of stuff. Lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but thank you for the elaboration. I felt bad thinking that people were going to be like, "Ugh. She sure just airs out her laundry, aye?!" Haha. Since it seems that we've been through some of the same things, if you ever need an understanding friend to vent to, don't hesitate to PM me.<3

[Dorriekeepson23]

I'm sorry Dorrie, I had misread what you typed in the first place. Oh my. Nothing like a pair of anxious people scrambling to apologize/elaborate. Lol. My man gave me the No Personal Info talk to. I'm too paranoid of a person to just spout of that kind of stuff. Lol. Sorry for the misunderstanding, but thank you for the elaboration. I felt bad thinking that people were going to be like, "Ugh. She sure just airs out her laundry, aye?!" Haha. Since it seems that we've been through some of the same things, if you ever need an understanding friend to vent to, don't hesitate to PM me.<3

A couple of anxious people scrambling. Ha Ha!! You have no idea how much I needed to laugh, and you just made me. I'm sooo glad you replied back, and understood what my crazy mind was trying to say. lol. When I first met my husband the song from Matchbox 20. "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell" had just came out recently. The first time we heard it we cracked up, and said "That's our song"!!! lol. How true it is. I will take you up on the pq offer, as long as you do the same. Deal? D

[After5hock]

A couple of anxious people scrambling. Ha Ha!! You have no idea how much I needed to laugh, and you just made me. I'm sooo glad you replied back, and understood what my crazy mind was trying to say. lol. When I first met my husband the song from Matchbox 20. "I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just a Little Unwell" had just came out recently. The first time we heard it we cracked up, and said "That's our song"!!! lol. How true it is. I will take you up on the pq offer, as long as you do the same. Deal? D

Lol. Glad I could make you laugh. :)

I've never heard that song, but I'm definitely about to! Oh, and you have yourself a deal!