sweetypie
03-27-2014, 09:26 PM
I can't stop crying or having panic attacks. I'm positive that I am going to die tomorrow morning. It's to the point where I've told my family what my wishes are if I die tomorrow morning or get brain damage or something. I've organized all my things, too, so they will be easy to divide if I die tomorrow. And I'm going to sign paper work tonight just in case.
I am 28 years old, by the way.
I'm super depressed. I feel like life has lost all color and that I'm mourning my own death. Not only that, but I am going to hell. There's no way I'm making it into heaven or maybe I'll stop existing. Either thing sucks though.
Basically, I am going into surgery tomorrow morning. I really need this surgery, but it's a special type of surgery where they give you a sedative that relaxes you and actually keeps you awake for the whole thing. You just lose all memory of it.
I have sleep apnea and with a normal surgery, I wouldn't be afraid because they'd put a tube down my throat to help me breath. But because this surgery keeps you awake, you get no tube down your throat. I know from experience that sedatives make it so that I can't breath, even when I am awake, because they relax my throat muscles and I have obstructive sleep apnea.
I've told my doctors this and they reassure me that they treat people with heart problems and lung problems all the time and they are fine. But I read online that 1 in 250,000 people die from anesthesia complications and I'm positive that statistic is going to be me even though it's really rare.
I'm sad because I wanted to live to be at least 30 years old. I didn't particularly want to die in my 20's, but what can I do? Because without this surgery, I will die, too.
So basically, I'm going to die tomorrow and wish someone would help me and I wish I wouldn't die. I'm crying as I write this.
I know this might seem like an overreaction to some people, but I've never felt so sure that I was about to die in my life and I'm scared that I just have strong intuition about it. I had a weird feeling when my fiance's Mom was about to die, too. So maybe that's what's happening here. What else could have possibly motivated me to get everything ready for my death? I know a lot of people sense when they are about to die, so I'm so, so scared.
I am 28 years old, by the way.
I'm super depressed. I feel like life has lost all color and that I'm mourning my own death. Not only that, but I am going to hell. There's no way I'm making it into heaven or maybe I'll stop existing. Either thing sucks though.
Basically, I am going into surgery tomorrow morning. I really need this surgery, but it's a special type of surgery where they give you a sedative that relaxes you and actually keeps you awake for the whole thing. You just lose all memory of it.
I have sleep apnea and with a normal surgery, I wouldn't be afraid because they'd put a tube down my throat to help me breath. But because this surgery keeps you awake, you get no tube down your throat. I know from experience that sedatives make it so that I can't breath, even when I am awake, because they relax my throat muscles and I have obstructive sleep apnea.
I've told my doctors this and they reassure me that they treat people with heart problems and lung problems all the time and they are fine. But I read online that 1 in 250,000 people die from anesthesia complications and I'm positive that statistic is going to be me even though it's really rare.
I'm sad because I wanted to live to be at least 30 years old. I didn't particularly want to die in my 20's, but what can I do? Because without this surgery, I will die, too.
So basically, I'm going to die tomorrow and wish someone would help me and I wish I wouldn't die. I'm crying as I write this.
I know this might seem like an overreaction to some people, but I've never felt so sure that I was about to die in my life and I'm scared that I just have strong intuition about it. I had a weird feeling when my fiance's Mom was about to die, too. So maybe that's what's happening here. What else could have possibly motivated me to get everything ready for my death? I know a lot of people sense when they are about to die, so I'm so, so scared.