Given up on women and enthusiasm for them is depleted

[mc240384]

Hi, I am 30 years old and in my second year of university. Ever since i started this course in this small seaside town, living down here has been a really unhappy experience for me, especially just after times of stress and work loads. I love the course but everything else down here has made me miserable. I feel like everyone around me including my mates has a girlfriend or at least have girls interested in them and its the truth but I dont get to have that.

Many of these failures have left me feeling like i cant connect with any women anymore, like I repel them in some way the minute I trip up. I now constantly think there is something wrong with me and i always feel incomplete and small compared to all the louder, bigger younger people who go to uni and live down here.

I have been told that i am good looking and believe I am so that shouldn't be an issue, I am laid back when talking to them, friendly and pay interest in them genuinely but for some god damn reason they make no effort, forget about me and brush me under the carpet or they play impossible to get to the point where I think they just are not interested at all and quite likely not.... the attraction is just never there.

I am tired of feeling like I dont deserve any girl on this planet but cannot do anything about it because I will (for somehow, some reason) repel them and will never know why it happens... it may seem a small issue to some but it kills me inside knowing that I should be able to be able to attract someone but i just cant.

Why is this shit so easy for many and non existent for me? no matter what I do and what i achieve, i will never be happy because this part of me will never be for filled.

[mom23]

Chill out stop thinking about it. Enjoy yourself be you and things will happen. Try not to obsess about getting the girl. It will happen when it happens

[mc240384]

Chill out stop thinking about it. Enjoy yourself be you and things will happen. Try not to obsess about getting the girl. It will happen when it happens

The thing is, ive tried/been all of that but when I do, I eventually think I am fooling myself, and it will never happen unless I make some effort and show some interest. In addition to that, I am constantly suffocated with it down here, every single person on the street and at uni, everywhere is with someone and it has the snowball effect of making them even more happier, full of life and confident but me, the opposite.

Life at uni is not all its cracked up to be at all, its been a mostly miserable and defeating experience for me. It makes me pissed off at times thinking that when it does happen, il be a complete bastard and not give them a chance to make them see how it feels for change.

[Anne1221]

Please don't give up. You just haven't met the right one yet. My brother just met the girl of his dreams after thinking he would never find the right one.

[bittersweetgirl]

You sound like you have low self-esteem issues... I have them too, and I recognize exactly what you are saying. Do a little research on self-esteem, maybe find a therapist if you don't have one... stay strong and know you're not alone. Best wishes.

[mc240384]

You sound like you have low self-esteem issues... I have them too, and I recognize exactly what you are saying. Do a little research on self-esteem, maybe find a therapist if you don't have one... stay strong and know you're not alone. Best wishes.

Thanks for the support you two. I have been single since I was 21 years old, I have tried everything, I have tried street pickup (which was quite fun actually), counselling (4 times, both cognitive and person centred), self actualisation involving building self esteem by recognising qualities and turning negatives and false positives into realistic truths to practise, websites, books, and I am on 20 mg esitalopram etc etc and I still seem to have self esteem problems, not all the time but it all comes to the surface when ive over worked or when I am tired.

This stuff feels like its never ending though, constantly reminded of loved up couples and high flying big grinning super stars walking around everywhere.

[kateb]

This is just a total random idea and might not be right for you, but maybe you should try a different approach? It seems like you have already had counselling and all sorts of things, to try and deal with things, but you still feel the same. So maybe instead of trying to fight it, accept it? As in, figure out "Ok so, say I am just not meant to find a girlfriend either right now or in the next...five years.... what else is there that gives me satisfaction and makes me feel like I'm achieving?" Maybe if you focus on building yourself up as a person, learning new skills, getting out there and just building friendships (not with the aim of a relationship) you will be generally more satisfied and get more enjoyment out of your course?

Identify what else is making you unhappy - because it seems like it is not just girls, although you are identifying that as the cause, but also probably it is the course, the location, lack of money - all the things that go along with being at uni. Maybe you need another change?

You may reply saying "I've already done that, it didn't work, nothing works" - If you really feel that, nobody on here can really help - which is why I say, maybe you should just try to accept the situation as it is, in order to move forwards.

Just my thoughts :) I hope you find a way to move forward with your life.

[kateb]

Oh just as an example - I have a friend who is now about to turn 40. He was (and is) an absolutely lovely guy, just troubled. He felt exactly the same as you all through his 20s and 30s about getting a girlfriend. He would come round and just be really sad and down all the time. He was messed up, occasionally had meaningless flings or even went to prostitutes. Basically, he felt really low about himself and really lonely. His friends just couldn't provide him with the support he needed, and he had ridiculously high standards for the 'girl for him' (a bit of a defence mechanism perhaps)

But then about four years ago, he got the opportunity to travel to Australia with work. He said "I'm sick of it here, I'm going" and he went - and it really helped him. He felt like he could make a fresh start, in a place where he wasn't already known, didn't have a reputation - nobody knew who he was or anything about his past. He came back, got a nose job cos he had always been really self-conscious about a bump on his nose (I know that bit sounds weird, but it really made a massive difference to him!) and started on a programme of trying to travel to as many places as possible. Now he is just so much happier. He still doesn't have a girlfriend, and maybe that will still be a while before it happens, but he is genuinely happy anyway, and I'm always seeing brilliant photos of him pop up on facebook where he is with groups of people he meets travelling, doing amazing things.

I feel certain that the relationship part is going to happen soon now, because he is so much happier in himself, and has so much to give someone. But he is no longer pining after it, and not being a 'broken' person makes a huge difference.

Don't know if that helps! Hope it does!

[bittersweetgirl]

Self-esteem is at our core, and brings much pain if we don't have enough of it. My issue (when it comes to relationships) is that I date all the time, but the wrong people - making it worse.

I've been attacking my self esteem problems with a vengeance lately - I have a few counselors (outpatient program, personal counselors), and I ask tough questions, I challenge assumptions (theirs and mine) - I'm up and I'm down, and I cry at the descriptions of low self-esteem: but I can see that I've made progress, and have taken practical steps to improve. Finally! I got nowhere before.

I'm hopeful that you just haven't yet found what's going to work for you, and you'll find it soon. It's by no means easy! (As we all know). I'd say I've improved about 10%, and even that much feels amazing.

[Anne1221]

If only I could match up one of my many lonely girlfriends who are dying for a boyfriend with you! I probably know of six women who are single but don't want to be. There are so many women out there who are just looking for a great guy so keep looking and you will find the one for you.

[lucy88]

The right girl will come along when you least expect!