looking for advice, are my feelings wrong?

[JLK]

hi guys, this isn't directly anxiety related, but the shrink lady says I need to work on noticing my feelings so here goes… (STOP HERE if heavy topics are not okay for you)

i have a close relative that was in a secret abusive relationship with mentally ill man for some time. the relationship ended when he accidentally overdosed.

my feelings now are with anger for my friend. why didn't she leave? why didn't she stand up for herself? or for anyone else? (he was awful to just about everyone) why didn't she tell anyone even after help was offered?

Now, I KNOW that the blame does not lie with the victim, but I can't get past these thoughts. I mean, what if we all just were victims? What if I just said 'I'm a victim of my anxiety and agoraphobia' and never tried to do anything? What if no one ever tried to better their situation? Where would we be?

Can anyone relate to this or reason this out with me?

[AliasEQ]

Love can do things... If you love someone, you ignore all "bad" signs.

We need to do something about our problems. Some are easier to deal with than others. Love makes you blind, hard to realise that the relationship is bad.

If you can see the problem, if you know that the problem is anxiety and agoraphobia and you WANT to get rid of it, then you'll try anything to get rid of it. But your friend couldn't see the problem and even if she did, she wouldn't want to get rid of it.

[NixonRulz]

hi guys, this isn't directly anxiety related, but the shrink lady says I need to work on noticing my feelings so here goes… (STOP HERE if heavy topics are not okay for you) i have a close relative that was in a secret abusive relationship with mentally ill man for some time. the relationship ended when he accidentally overdosed. my feelings now are with anger for my friend. why didn't she leave? why didn't she stand up for herself? or for anyone else? (he was awful to just about everyone) why didn't she tell anyone even after help was offered? Now, I KNOW that the blame does not lie with the victim, but I can't get past these thoughts. I mean, what if we all just were victims? What if I just said 'I'm a victim of my anxiety and agoraphobia' and never tried to do anything? What if no one ever tried to better their situation? Where would we be? Can anyone relate to this or reason this out with me?

Some people just have the tolerance of abusive relationships because they believe that they aren't worth the attention of someone that is it abusive

Has a lot to do with lack of self esteem

Others stay because they believe they are the ones who can fix the abusive person

And even others are just afraid of what they may do if they leave because they are mentally mind fucked by the abuser

It's easy to sit on the sidelines and say what you would or wouldn't do

Try not to judge too much because you have not walked in her shoes

[JLK]

Love can do things... If you love someone, you ignore all "bad" signs.

We need to do something about our problems. Some are easier to deal with than others. Love makes you blind, hard to realise that the relationship is bad.

If you can see the problem, if you know that the problem is anxiety and agoraphobia and you WANT to get rid of it, then you'll try anything to get rid of it. But your friend couldn't see the problem and even if she did, she wouldn't want to get rid of it.

Hmm, i guess i can understand this...am i allowed to be angry with her then? Or...i don't know.

This all happened last year but every time she talks about how much better her life is now and how she's happier now, i can't help but think why did you put up with that for so long? And she didn't even decide to leave... he more or less succumbed to his issues so she was free....i want to be happy for her, but i don't know how to stop feeling the way i do. :/

[JLK]

Some people just have the tolerance of abusive relationships because they believe that they aren't worth the attention of someone that is it abusive

Has a lot to do with lack of self esteem

Others stay because they believe they are the ones who can fix the abusive person

And even others are just afraid of what they may do if they leave because they are mentally mind fucked by the abuser

It's easy to sit on the sidelines and say what you would or wouldn't do

Try not to judge too much because you have not walked in her shoes

Yes...unfortunately judgement is something i need to work on...a lot of anxiety comes from judging ourselves too harshly.

Thank you.

[AliasEQ]

Hmm, i guess i can understand this...am i allowed to be angry with her then? Or...i don't know.

This all happened last year but every time she talks about how much better her life is now and how she's happier now, i can't help but think why did you put up with that for so long? And she didn't even decide to leave... he more or less succumbed to his issues so she was free....i want to be happy for her, but i don't know how to stop feeling the way i do. :/

I myself would be angry too. But no, I don't think it's right to be angry at her. Love is like being blind, litterally. Can you be mad at a blind person for not seeing anything? lol. Hopefully she learns from her mistakes.

Have you talked with her about this? If not, do it and tell her how you feel.

[JLK]

Self awareness will not be pushed aside once it arrives in your mind, your heart.

You are so wise frankie. I think your message really made it click with me. Thank you so much.

I talked to her this evening and I feel so much better now.

Ahhh, *feelings* Better to *feel* them then to let them eat you alive.