BlushSmiles
03-17-2014, 10:31 PM
Thanks in advance for any advice those of you living with anxiety or loving someone with anxiety can give!
I have lived with my fiance for 2 years. I am seriously ill with a neurological condition and am unable to work. My fiance works and I have support from disability and my parents for my car insurance, phone, medical bills, food, and medicine. I was doing a lot of the housework which was making it so I couldn't adhere to my treatment plan (includes light exercise, meditation, lots of bed rest) and make gains in my health. I can do very little each day, so the little I could do was spent on dishes, laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, etc... We'd talk about how he could help more, but he really has trouble getting things done without me reminding him over and over. It makes me feel like a nag even though he says it isn't nagging. His anxiety does cause problems in our relationship, but I am willing to continue learning how to help him through that as long as he continues to work on it.
Despite being unable to improve my health situation, I loved seeing him each day and I saw him gain so much in terms of handling his anxiety. Situations that used to bring him to panic attacks he is now able to handle through his own hard work and willingness to talk through things with me. Our positive relationship really did wonders for him, and I know I gain so much from him in terms of the support he provides me in handling my chronic illness.
Okay, let us get to the point. If you don't want every bit of background, scroll down to the bold "too long for me" heading. :)
I realized in the situation we were in, I was never going to regain my health. I need to get back to a baseline of functioning where hospital visits are not the norm for me. I'd love to not have IV scars on my hands and arms. But I do because I get "flares" often enough to require that sort of intervention. I brought up the idea of me living with my parents temporarily (20 minutes away) to get my feet on the ground through having less responsibility, and therefore less stress and more time to focus on my own health. I said if we did this, I'd still be there for him emotionally in every way, but I can barely take care of myself, let alone take care of the house and 2 people's messes. Staying at my parents for a few months would be a sort of rehab. There's not a guarantee it will get me to a baseline level of sick (instead of bed bound many days), but it is likely. My specialists thought it sounded like a good idea but cautioned emotional stress can cause neurological conditions to flare up as much as physical stress, so to consider that. This was a really hard thing for me to bring up because I am really my fiance's only support whereas I have tons of support, so I don't know how it feels to be him.
After first hearing this, he shut me out and saw it as me doing something to him rather than something we would endure together as a couple. I think I endure really hard periods during his anxiety where it can feel like I have a different person living with me and he feels like hell, but it isn't something he does to me, it is something that his body does to us and we endure the effects of together as a couple. It's no different than when I'm experiencing a flare of my condition, I feel it most, but we both endure it. After 2 weeks of shutting me out emotionally, he said he could do everything around the house. I said I don't expect that of him; it isn't his fault I am so sick and cannot do normal stay-at-home wife duties. I said if he wanted to try, I wouldn't stop him and would help him out with a list of things that need done, but I don't think he should be hard on himself if it is too much. I did say it'd be helpful if he'd pick up after himself (bring dishes to sink, throw away wrappers, put clothes in hamper, clean up after his toddler who is with us part of the time).
Well, after about a week of that, he wasn't doing all of the chores (I never expected him to). In fact, he was still having trouble picking up after himself. He's never had to fully take care of himself, (went from Mom to me) so I think he just doesn't get all it entails. At that point, he said maybe it would be a good idea for me to try out my parents. This was about 3 weeks after I initially brought it up and I was so relieved to finally have my fiance back. He was incredibly supportive of the idea and even lecturing me on how I need to make sure to rest at my parents. It was very well planned out and he talked about it with his therapist. We talked a lot about how this is not a reflection of him, it is a reflection of how serious my condition is. We also talked about how maybe this could help he gain confidence in his own ability to be independent. He doesn't agree with this, but I do think living on his own could help him realize he is more capable than he gives himself credit for. Strangely, after the decision was made for me to move, he suddenly was able to do more around the house than at any point in our relationship -- even when doing more was his goal. It was sort of like the pressure was off, so could do more maybe? Maybe he wanted to make my last few weeks there extra pleasant? I'm not sure.
Then, I moved. He became emotionally unavailable because his anxiety became as severe as when I first brought up the idea 2 months ago. Since I moved, he has trouble talking to me because it reminds him of what he isn't getting each day, and that makes him more anxious. I'm not mad his anxiety has popped up, but I felt blind sided by it. He'd been so supportive prior to the move that I just didn't expect it. So, I was feeling very sad and lonely for him, but he was unable to even make small talk with me. I know his anxiety is harder emotionally than I can ever imagine, but so is being really sad and not having your significant other able to talk to you much. So is feeling like you're making your significant other's anxiety disorder worse. So is being so extremely ill, you have to move into your parents home. However, I try and not let all of those feelings overtake me because the best way to get my fiance back to himself is to lift him up in any way I can. I don't act like his anxiety doesn't effect me, but I also don't make a huge deal out of it. Today he came over and we had a nice time except for a few bumps, so I'm hoping days like today work toward decreasing his anxiety about this situation as he sees I love him as much as ever and am there for him even when his anxiety leads him to shutting me out. I also reminded him about a prescription refill which seemed to surprise him. Hopefully that showed him I'm still going to be helping him manage life just like he is going to do the same for me. Neither of us is completely alone, ever.
My parents house is great and I'm grateful to them. I am enjoying my parents taking care of me and not having to worry about cooking and cleaning. I really miss my home with my fiance. I also miss all of the alone time I had at my home. I can be alone in my room at my parents as much as I'd like, but it is just not the same. My parents said if I want to move back at any time, they'd understand and not to worry they think I am ungrateful. They think maybe the stress of missing my fiance (and the stress my fiance's anxiety over missing me places on me) could be more harmful than the stress on my body of housework. It's hard to say. It's also hard to say how much of the intense feeling of stress I am feeling is missing him and how much is stress about the anxiety this situation has created in him and knowing usually I'm the one to help him through it. It is probably worth mentioning my fiance is closer to my parents than he is to his own and my parents love him.
Too Long For Me -- What's the Question?
It has only been less than a week since I moved into my parents house for my health. I miss my home immensely and have a huge urge to back my bags and run back to my comfort zone. When I moved in, the plan was I'd be at my parents for 3-6 months. The words we always used were "We are going to try this." I want to give this 2 weeks to see if it is just new to me, and new to my fiance (thus creating anxiety in him) and that is why it feels so wrong and emotionally stressful, or if it really is just too emotionally stressful being apart from each other. At the moment, it feels like I have to choose between emotional stress of being apart from fiance (parents house) or physical stress of taking care of myself and a home (my house). Both types of stress cause my neurological condition to worsen. I am unable to consider my health and nothing else when my fiance is having severe anxiety because of what I am doing to try and improve my health, even if he was part of the decision.
I know my fiance would be happy to have me back home tomorrow if that's what I decided. I don't know if I should tell him I'm considering re-evaluating in 2 weeks or if I should just keep it to myself until I decide. I did mention my parents words about understanding if it doesn't work out and how that made me feel more confident about trying this out, and he said nothing (probably wasn't sure what to think). I feel the back and forth would be unfair to him. He is having enough trouble adjusting to my move, it seems unfair to throw in "Oh yeah, you're having trouble with your anxiety while adjusting to this move -- now you get to have the thought that I may come back in a week and a half on your mind." However, he is talking about moving out of our rental house and into an apartment. He is looking at something this Friday. What if he signs a lease then I change my mind....? What he gets for himself may be different than what he'd want for us, but I don't know that he will get that done in less than 2 weeks.
If you read all of this, I am so grateful. Any guidance or thoughts you could give me on this whole situation would be appreciated!
I have lived with my fiance for 2 years. I am seriously ill with a neurological condition and am unable to work. My fiance works and I have support from disability and my parents for my car insurance, phone, medical bills, food, and medicine. I was doing a lot of the housework which was making it so I couldn't adhere to my treatment plan (includes light exercise, meditation, lots of bed rest) and make gains in my health. I can do very little each day, so the little I could do was spent on dishes, laundry, scrubbing the bathroom, etc... We'd talk about how he could help more, but he really has trouble getting things done without me reminding him over and over. It makes me feel like a nag even though he says it isn't nagging. His anxiety does cause problems in our relationship, but I am willing to continue learning how to help him through that as long as he continues to work on it.
Despite being unable to improve my health situation, I loved seeing him each day and I saw him gain so much in terms of handling his anxiety. Situations that used to bring him to panic attacks he is now able to handle through his own hard work and willingness to talk through things with me. Our positive relationship really did wonders for him, and I know I gain so much from him in terms of the support he provides me in handling my chronic illness.
Okay, let us get to the point. If you don't want every bit of background, scroll down to the bold "too long for me" heading. :)
I realized in the situation we were in, I was never going to regain my health. I need to get back to a baseline of functioning where hospital visits are not the norm for me. I'd love to not have IV scars on my hands and arms. But I do because I get "flares" often enough to require that sort of intervention. I brought up the idea of me living with my parents temporarily (20 minutes away) to get my feet on the ground through having less responsibility, and therefore less stress and more time to focus on my own health. I said if we did this, I'd still be there for him emotionally in every way, but I can barely take care of myself, let alone take care of the house and 2 people's messes. Staying at my parents for a few months would be a sort of rehab. There's not a guarantee it will get me to a baseline level of sick (instead of bed bound many days), but it is likely. My specialists thought it sounded like a good idea but cautioned emotional stress can cause neurological conditions to flare up as much as physical stress, so to consider that. This was a really hard thing for me to bring up because I am really my fiance's only support whereas I have tons of support, so I don't know how it feels to be him.
After first hearing this, he shut me out and saw it as me doing something to him rather than something we would endure together as a couple. I think I endure really hard periods during his anxiety where it can feel like I have a different person living with me and he feels like hell, but it isn't something he does to me, it is something that his body does to us and we endure the effects of together as a couple. It's no different than when I'm experiencing a flare of my condition, I feel it most, but we both endure it. After 2 weeks of shutting me out emotionally, he said he could do everything around the house. I said I don't expect that of him; it isn't his fault I am so sick and cannot do normal stay-at-home wife duties. I said if he wanted to try, I wouldn't stop him and would help him out with a list of things that need done, but I don't think he should be hard on himself if it is too much. I did say it'd be helpful if he'd pick up after himself (bring dishes to sink, throw away wrappers, put clothes in hamper, clean up after his toddler who is with us part of the time).
Well, after about a week of that, he wasn't doing all of the chores (I never expected him to). In fact, he was still having trouble picking up after himself. He's never had to fully take care of himself, (went from Mom to me) so I think he just doesn't get all it entails. At that point, he said maybe it would be a good idea for me to try out my parents. This was about 3 weeks after I initially brought it up and I was so relieved to finally have my fiance back. He was incredibly supportive of the idea and even lecturing me on how I need to make sure to rest at my parents. It was very well planned out and he talked about it with his therapist. We talked a lot about how this is not a reflection of him, it is a reflection of how serious my condition is. We also talked about how maybe this could help he gain confidence in his own ability to be independent. He doesn't agree with this, but I do think living on his own could help him realize he is more capable than he gives himself credit for. Strangely, after the decision was made for me to move, he suddenly was able to do more around the house than at any point in our relationship -- even when doing more was his goal. It was sort of like the pressure was off, so could do more maybe? Maybe he wanted to make my last few weeks there extra pleasant? I'm not sure.
Then, I moved. He became emotionally unavailable because his anxiety became as severe as when I first brought up the idea 2 months ago. Since I moved, he has trouble talking to me because it reminds him of what he isn't getting each day, and that makes him more anxious. I'm not mad his anxiety has popped up, but I felt blind sided by it. He'd been so supportive prior to the move that I just didn't expect it. So, I was feeling very sad and lonely for him, but he was unable to even make small talk with me. I know his anxiety is harder emotionally than I can ever imagine, but so is being really sad and not having your significant other able to talk to you much. So is feeling like you're making your significant other's anxiety disorder worse. So is being so extremely ill, you have to move into your parents home. However, I try and not let all of those feelings overtake me because the best way to get my fiance back to himself is to lift him up in any way I can. I don't act like his anxiety doesn't effect me, but I also don't make a huge deal out of it. Today he came over and we had a nice time except for a few bumps, so I'm hoping days like today work toward decreasing his anxiety about this situation as he sees I love him as much as ever and am there for him even when his anxiety leads him to shutting me out. I also reminded him about a prescription refill which seemed to surprise him. Hopefully that showed him I'm still going to be helping him manage life just like he is going to do the same for me. Neither of us is completely alone, ever.
My parents house is great and I'm grateful to them. I am enjoying my parents taking care of me and not having to worry about cooking and cleaning. I really miss my home with my fiance. I also miss all of the alone time I had at my home. I can be alone in my room at my parents as much as I'd like, but it is just not the same. My parents said if I want to move back at any time, they'd understand and not to worry they think I am ungrateful. They think maybe the stress of missing my fiance (and the stress my fiance's anxiety over missing me places on me) could be more harmful than the stress on my body of housework. It's hard to say. It's also hard to say how much of the intense feeling of stress I am feeling is missing him and how much is stress about the anxiety this situation has created in him and knowing usually I'm the one to help him through it. It is probably worth mentioning my fiance is closer to my parents than he is to his own and my parents love him.
Too Long For Me -- What's the Question?
It has only been less than a week since I moved into my parents house for my health. I miss my home immensely and have a huge urge to back my bags and run back to my comfort zone. When I moved in, the plan was I'd be at my parents for 3-6 months. The words we always used were "We are going to try this." I want to give this 2 weeks to see if it is just new to me, and new to my fiance (thus creating anxiety in him) and that is why it feels so wrong and emotionally stressful, or if it really is just too emotionally stressful being apart from each other. At the moment, it feels like I have to choose between emotional stress of being apart from fiance (parents house) or physical stress of taking care of myself and a home (my house). Both types of stress cause my neurological condition to worsen. I am unable to consider my health and nothing else when my fiance is having severe anxiety because of what I am doing to try and improve my health, even if he was part of the decision.
I know my fiance would be happy to have me back home tomorrow if that's what I decided. I don't know if I should tell him I'm considering re-evaluating in 2 weeks or if I should just keep it to myself until I decide. I did mention my parents words about understanding if it doesn't work out and how that made me feel more confident about trying this out, and he said nothing (probably wasn't sure what to think). I feel the back and forth would be unfair to him. He is having enough trouble adjusting to my move, it seems unfair to throw in "Oh yeah, you're having trouble with your anxiety while adjusting to this move -- now you get to have the thought that I may come back in a week and a half on your mind." However, he is talking about moving out of our rental house and into an apartment. He is looking at something this Friday. What if he signs a lease then I change my mind....? What he gets for himself may be different than what he'd want for us, but I don't know that he will get that done in less than 2 weeks.
If you read all of this, I am so grateful. Any guidance or thoughts you could give me on this whole situation would be appreciated!