I'm coward but don't want to

[Ugly Dog]

Hello everyone, I would like to share something and ask for some advice.

I have a lot of problems with my mother and my elder sisters, but the funny thing is: I'm the only one who has it.
If I say they abuse(d) me emotionally or physically, it would be a huge lie. They never did it. But I feel they are an anchor in my life. My mother disaproves most of the things I like or want to do.
For example, I used to take german classes and it had the possibility of travelling to germany for a few months if I had a good grade in a test. I was very excited and decided to do my best. I always wanted to go to a different country and learn something new. I talked about it with my mother and she told me "yeah, you can do the test, and if you get a good grade, it's great. But you are not going anywhere". I quit the course 2 days after.

This happens with everything else. If I want to apply for a simple job, she complains I can do something better (but I can't because I have no clue about this enviroment) and I give up. Same if I want to take classes of something she dislikes. I just can't do anything against her will because I can't stand when her and/or my sisters start to scold me because I want to do something good for my life. My sisters love to make sure I obey. I'm basically living to prevent them from talking. I try to avoid them, do something to help in anything they need (or not) and hide everything from everyone. I stop my life to make they stop talking. Bottling up everything is causing me so much stress for so many years that there are days I feel my body trying to shut down. I feel that I'm ill all the time.

I feel I'm capable of big things. I want to do big things. But I don't have courage to face anyone. I know I'm a coward, specially because I have nothing to fear. It's just words. It is nothing compared to what many people went through. I feel stupid and pathetic because I don't really think this is a big deal, but I make it looks like the end of the world.

Does anyone knows something to develop confidence and self esteem?

[ashy]

Hey,
First of all, you are absolutely not stupid or a coward. Their words and reactions towards you are very hurtful, especially because it has happened so much and so often. I also have the same kind of fear that you do. My family, especially my parents, have always put me down for many things that I say or do. It creates a real fear inside both of us. I understand what you mean by wanting to avoid them and not do anything to make them say anything. But honestly in the end, it is YOUR life, don't let them run it or have so much control over it. Even though it's hard, try to do at least one small thing that you like, even if they don't approve. ( your decisions are not bad, but they seem to have strange reasons for not wanting you to do them, or maybe they want to feel in control) maybe try taking German again. No matter what you do, they will probably find something to put you down for. So by avoiding them and holding back, you are only hurting yourself and letting them act in a way towards you that is not respectful. You need to take care of you, and they need to learn to deal with their feelings, because nobody else can do it for them.

[ashy]

When you step out in the little things and take care of yourself and do little things that you want to for yourself, you will start to gain self-confidence :). But the action always comes before the feeling does. Just make a decision to do what you want, as the confidence will follow :)

[Ugly Dog]

Hey,
First of all, you are absolutely not stupid or a coward. Their words and reactions towards you are very hurtful, especially because it has happened so much and so often. I also have the same kind of fear that you do. My family, especially my parents, have always put me down for many things that I say or do. It creates a real fear inside both of us. I understand what you mean by wanting to avoid them and not do anything to make them say anything. But honestly in the end, it is YOUR life, don't let them run it or have so much control over it. Even though it's hard, try to do at least one small thing that you like, even if they don't approve. ( your decisions are not bad, but they seem to have strange reasons for not wanting you to do them, or maybe they want to feel in control) maybe try taking German again. No matter what you do, they will probably find something to put you down for. So by avoiding them and holding back, you are only hurting yourself and letting them act in a way towards you that is not respectful. You need to take care of you, and they need to learn to deal with their feelings, because nobody else can do it for them.

It is a shame you have to go through it. While I can fully understand that our family want to protect us (sometimes unnecessarily), sometimes it's too much.
Unfortunally, I can't go to german classes anymore. It was a thing my school promoted and I finished it, so I can't do it now :/ I would have to pay now, and I don't know where I can do. I usually just found english, spanish and sometimes french. I would do french, though.
Well, easier said than done :( if my mother disagree, my sisters come to support her and they just won't stop talking. Funny thing is that both of them do as they please and never obey her.
As much as I'm tired of it, I can't stop caring about what they say. It's so frustrating. I'm looking for a free class I can do though. All the ones I wanted, my mother reproved, of course. I will just try to ignore her from now on.

Thanks for the advice :) I will take it :)

[Ugly Dog]

When you step out in the little things and take care of yourself and do little things that you want to for yourself, you will start to gain self-confidence :). But the action always comes before the feeling does. Just make a decision to do what you want, as the confidence will follow :)

I hope so. :) though the first step will be the hardest.

[ashy]

Hey,
I know a website where you can learn for free and it's pretty good: livemocha.com I don't know how far you are in German, but it could help :) and you can also try to find music, videos, and books in German that you can practice with, that's how I kept up Spanish when I didn't take classes. Can I ask how old you are? How much are you able to get out of the house and do stuff on your own? If you don't have a car you could even go for a little walk whenever they start talking just to get out of there. Once you get some other people in your life and other opinions, you'll see that the opinions of your family are not the only ones, or necessarily the right ones. You have a good heart and that's good that you care about their opinions. But it's important to know that you can both listen and respect their opinions, but also you can ultimately decide for yourself and it's ok to have a different opinion. :)

[ashy]

I think another website is: deutsch-lernen.com
Livemocha has changed quite a bit since I've used it.

[HopelessInNY]

Well what you can do is give them a small test. Tell them exactly how you feel and how they're disapproval is effecting your quality of life. That you respect and appreciate their opinion to the highest degree - so much to the point that its making you feel hopeless and not in control of your own life. I can understand if you are still a minor why your family would be protective - but it is simply not healthy for a young person to have to go through with this due to someone they love not approving of something self-fulfilling. Let them know that their approval and support would make you the happiest person in the world and truly give you the confidence you and reassurance you need. If they simply cannot even understand, relate or meet you half way then they are no longer concerned for your happiness - but their own selfish desires. This is a major problem - but I think you need to see where their disapproval is coming from. I'm not condoning to lie to your parents - but I'm also not approving of letting opportunity and happiness slip away like it did with the german class and trip. There comes a time where you just need to worry about yourself and not the approval of others - even your parents.

[Ugly Dog]

Hey,
I know a website where you can learn for free and it's pretty good: livemocha.com I don't know how far you are in German, but it could help :) and you can also try to find music, videos, and books in German that you can practice with, that's how I kept up Spanish when I didn't take classes. Can I ask how old you are? How much are you able to get out of the house and do stuff on your own? If you don't have a car you could even go for a little walk whenever they start talking just to get out of there. Once you get some other people in your life and other opinions, you'll see that the opinions of your family are not the only ones, or necessarily the right ones. You have a good heart and that's good that you care about their opinions. But it's important to know that you can both listen and respect their opinions, but also you can ultimately decide for yourself and it's ok to have a different opinion. :)

Hey, thanks for the links! I was about to end the basics when I quit, but it was so long ago that I forgot most of it. It will be nice to study it again so that's not a problem.
And I'm 20. I can go out anytime as long I came back before it gets dark and it is a near place and for a good reason. I usually lie, so that's not a problem. But walking away is not a good idea because it will be wrost when I come back heh :(
I know they are not always right and all, the problem is that they shove their opinions on me, no matter what. It sucks.
Thanks for the compliment, it makes me feel better about myself :)

[Ugly Dog]

Well what you can do is give them a small test. Tell them exactly how you feel and how they're disapproval is effecting your quality of life. That you respect and appreciate their opinion to the highest degree - so much to the point that its making you feel hopeless and not in control of your own life. I can understand if you are still a minor why your family would be protective - but it is simply not healthy for a young person to have to go through with this due to someone they love not approving of something self-fulfilling. Let them know that their approval and support would make you the happiest person in the world and truly give you the confidence you and reassurance you need. If they simply cannot even understand, relate or meet you half way then they are no longer concerned for your happiness - but their own selfish desires. This is a major problem - but I think you need to see where their disapproval is coming from. I'm not condoning to lie to your parents - but I'm also not approving of letting opportunity and happiness slip away like it did with the german class and trip. There comes a time where you just need to worry about yourself and not the approval of others - even your parents.

I did this last year and it was very confusing. The only thing they said no matter what I told them was "but we are your family, we just want what is better for you. We know what is better for you" and nothing more. Maybe this is because I'm the child of the current (and "successful") marriage of my mother plus the fact that I look a lot like my grandmother. Maybe my mother want me to be a improved clone of herself or my grandmother. Maybe because I'm the only one that is so easy to contol. It can be several things.
I always lie to them, no matter what. I feel that I have no choice. The things I can't hide (and are really important, to me at least) I tend to avoid. I find it hard to do things for myself because they are so pushy that I give up to shut them.
My father is like "do what you want, as long it's not illegal, dangerous or harmful. Just do something". My mother and my sisters are the problem.

[ashy]

Hey, thanks for the links! I was about to end the basics when I quit, but it was so long ago that I forgot most of it. It will be nice to study it again so that's not a problem. And I'm 20. I can go out anytime as long I came back before it gets dark and it is a near place and for a good reason. I usually lie, so that's not a problem. But walking away is not a good idea because it will be wrost when I come back heh :( I know they are not always right and all, the problem is that they shove their opinions on me, no matter what. It sucks. Thanks for the compliment, it makes me feel better about myself :)
Oh hey, you're only one year younger than me! I'm 21, haha! I understand about the lying, I always used to lie, heck I still do, because if and when I tell my parents the truth they become angry with me and never are understanding. Well, they can shove their opinions on you all they want, but in the end it is you who has to decide whether or not you are going to accept them. Maybe we are both going through a time of becoming more independent in regards to having our own opinions and making our own decisions despite of what other people, even our families think. It's hurtful when family members want to control you and make your decisions for you, I know :(. But you can grow in this, we both can :)