Just Mad!!!!!

[Nicoleeo]

I woke up this evening just before 6:30. My first thought was wondering what kind of anxiety day is it going to be? I now realize that it was that moment I gave my anxiety the reins. It's been running amok ever since. My anxiety almost paralyzes me. It is all I can do to exert any energy to cope. I try doing something productive and I am stopped short. I will feel a pain, and become absolutely certain that this is it. This is the time it's not an anxiety attack, this time my symptoms are something terribly wrong. So I stop, I lay down because sleep is the only sure thing to get me through this. And by the time I'm laying down, I am almost okay with not waking up. I would never do anything to hurt myself or take my own life. But I really am very tired of doing this. Today I pushed through my anxiety. I sorted laundry, cleaned the bathroom, washed the drapes. I just got home from a mile long walk. I hated every minute of all of this, convinced all of this exertion is hurrying my process along. I am really really really pissed off right now. I feel robbed and violated by panic. I am tired "coping" with my anxiety. I just want that shit gone. I don't want to dread my time awake. I don't want to have to have a plan in case of an anxiety emergency. I'm really not okay with any of this. I should be happy I was able to accomplish so much today despite how I was feeling and my constant irrational thought process. But why, really? People do this crap every day and it's no big whoop. Crap, I used to be one of those people. Now I'm this. I hate this. I've got an hour and twenty minutes before I have to be to work. I don't even want to do tonight. I don't want to have to push myself through the next ten hours like I have pushed through the last 5. I'm already worn out. I just am so over this. It's exhausting.

[bittersweetgirl]

It IS exhausting. And it's annoying when you do all that "good" stuff and don't feel better (though, wow - I'm jealous of your productivity!).

Being angry at the anxiety isn't necessarily a bad thing. I have some of my best moments when I'm just sick of listening to myself, and tell the stupid thoughts to shut the heck up.

I don't even have a reliable method of coping with my anxiety - I'm still flailing around, so I rely on meds for now. Is that an option for you, or are you already taking something?

[raggamuffin]

How long have you had anxiety now? Your story sounds very similar to mine. I'm currently on holiday from work and all I have is a head full of negative thoughts and a feeling...somewhere in my mind or body that is constantly trying to convince me that i'm about to keel over at any given moment.

But there are good times to be had, they can be few and far between. I used to wake up every morning with the same question. But there came a point when I didn't wqake up thinking that or assuming the worst. There were even periods where I didn't wake up and instantly realize I was feeling a symptom.

Exercise can be tough, the raised blood pressure and heart rate and such like is often what occurs when you're having an anxiety episode so it naturally maks you feel bad when exercising. But if you exercise daily, eventually your brain will realize this isn't an anxiety episode. But it takes time, as with most things in life. Overcoming anxiety will never be an overnight cure. It took time to come about and takes timer to go. When I used to cycle i'd get the most crippling chest pains for the duration. Some of the worst i've ever had in my life. So I assumed I had heart disease (at 27?!). But obviously I didn't. People with faulty hearts aren't going to be able to exercise much at all. So a mile walk helps to proove you're fine in terms of heart health.

It's undoing the anxious ways of thinking which is key. These are what cause the pains and sensations. It's your body crying out for rest. But we usually pile additional fear and worries onto it, wondering what the pains are, if they trulyt are anxiety etc so we're just feeding the anxiety further and allowing everything to carry on.

When I attended therapy she told me you have to accept it's all because of anxiety. It's the first and hardest step to take. You need to keep reminding yourself it's only anxiety and that it won't harm you, no matter how painful the symptoms can be they won't make you die. This also takesa time, and practice. I did notice periods of lessened symptoms when I stuck this way of thinking out. But it's been a loing time since i've had therapy and i've slipped back into bad habits, and guess what? Pains and sensations are hitting me 24/7 now.

Exercise, meditation, positive thinking and rationalizing anxiety are all key ways to help you get better. But these take time, dedication and perseverance. Now it's often hard to muster enthusiasm or commitment to much when you have anxiety and sometimes we can be our own worst enemies. So it's difficult to maintain but it has to be maintained in order to keep anxiety down to a minimum.

I hope you feel better soon. Just keep reminding yourself it is all anxiety. Even if you don't believe it at first, keep reminding yourself of it, keep busy and active so your mind doesn't have chance to dwell on the negative. Constantly rationalize situations and feelings so that you don't slip back into feeding the anxiety with more fears and worries.

Ed

[Nicoleeo]

I am not on medication. My doctor has given me a total of 25 Ativan over the last 2 months. He's very anti-benzo. Crappy thing is, it's the benzos that work best for me and make me feel half human. I'm looking to start treatment with a psychiatrist. I start counseling on Wednesday. I am seeing my GP just before. I'm requesting klonopin. I know from past experience that 1mg of klonopin 3 times a day helps me to to function. It quiets my head, relaxes my muscles (which are always tense), and alleviates some of my pain. It helps with so many triggers of my anxiety attacks that I feel like its what's going to get me moving forward. We have tried several other meds, but the side effects were horrible and made things worse.

[raggamuffin]

Benzos are extremly effective but they're usually only for short term use. Perhaps to be paired with an SSRI and used in the initial weeks when you might be feeling side effects and waiting for the chemical to build up to effective levels? All the GP's i've visited are anti benzos too, it can feel frustrating but perhaps see another GP if you aren't findignt he current one effective? I visited all the GP's at our local surgery before deciding who was best for me. I only got 5 benzos once when I was having a panic attack in the waiting room and when I finally saw the Dr I was trembling, stuttering and unable to really do anything. I personally didn't find they helped me at all but it was only a 1 mg doseage and when I took it during a panic attack nothing happened at all which made me stress out more and caused the attack to last longer.

How long did you try these other meds for? Side effects are never nice but when you have anxiety it'll intensify the feelings of such side effects and often you'll fixate on thge nauysea or headaches or dizziness etc. But side effects do pass and then you should start noticing the benefits. I myself have never got to the point of feeling the benefits either. The side effects are often manageable but I start to convince myself that medication isn't the way to go etc. But there's a lot of success stories for medication. Problem with anxiety is that we'll fixate on the bad and often never see the good.

Ed