So...hear I am. Again.

[mellymel]

Haven't been on here in a while since I was doing ok. I struggled for a while with violent intrusive thoughts which I seemed to get a grip on finally. And an huge fear of schizophrenia which comes and goes. Most of the time now I just find myself anxious over random things that I obsess about for a little and then eventually let go. But, sad to say, I have found something that's got me completely stuck again.

I am stuck on these two weirdo fears of poisoning my family and not knowing what reality is.

1) I'm afraid that I will accidentally poison them and not realize it. I know this is another OCD type of thought, but it's so uncomfortable. Then there is this new bout if depersonalization I am going through which does not help at all. I'm afraid that during this odd feeling I could put something in their food and not realize it.

2) the fear focused on reality comes from me obsessing over possibly being in a dream or maybe I'm dead. I keep thinking over and over again that what if this life I'm living is not real. What if my husband does not exist. What if my daughter doesn't exist. What if everyone I talk to or know is not real. Talking about it to anyone doesn't really help because the stupid thought pops into my head that maybe the reassurance I'm seeking is all in my head too. Like WTF?

And no, I'm not on meds. All this creative shit is my mind all on its own. Anyone else have either of these types of thoughts?

[NixonRulz]

Hi, Melly

Good to see you back but not under these circumstances

The whole intrusive thought thing is miserable

You can convince yourself that such ridiculous things may come true

But they won't. Anxiety does this all too often

Tries to trick you into believing such thoughts

You will not turn into a schizophrenic.

They never believe they are ill and if you are concerned about it, it is not gonna happen

Understand the thoughts are driven by your anxious mind, not your rational mind

Since you know your anxious mind generates nothing good, treat it as it should be

Only a glimpse and let it go

[jessed03]

Mel!

I was thinking of you just the other day actually.

The thoughts I don't think are important. They fit the standard mould for OCD. Sure I've gone from this, to that, back to this. Part of the gig really.

Talk to me about compulsions. I think this is what matters.

What compulsions do you perform, do you do any checking, is it all just rumination?

That's where you beat this condition, not so much in worrying about the obsessions, but in tackling the compulsions. Without a compulsion, the obsession becomes very weak, and doesn't live very long. What you obsess about, not too important, how you keep the obsession alive... Very important!

Good to see you anyway, although not in these circumstances :)

[jessed03]

OMG I said the same thing as Nixon. Hide this thread from fruity LOL

And Nixons right about the tricking.

OCD problems often take it one step further, and literally try and bully you into performing the compulsions, whether checking or over thinking, or performing safety behaviours.

[mellymel]

Thanks guys! :) It's mostly mental for me, but I do check my thoughts on the internet a lot, to see if other people think the same. I feel so weird, especially having the depersonalization and then actually questioning my existence.

[jessed03]

Yeah, I hear that. :)

So how did you get on top of the violent intrusive thoughts by the way? That holds the key.

[mellymel]

I just got tired of how sick they made me feel so I learned to ignore them and let them go.I know I'm not a violent person. I talked about them a lot to just get them out of my head.

I'm trying to use those things to get me past this but it's a little tough when I keep questioning whether or not I'm even a part of reality. If that makes any sense.

[jessed03]

I just got tired of how sick they made me feel. I talked about them a lot to just get them out of my head.

I had a feeling that happened :)

I was just saying in another thread, when you have intrusive thoughts, or any OCD type pattern really, it's believed the caudate nucleus in your brain, becomes dysfunctional.

The caudate nucleus is like your transmission centre.

Whereas a normal person can just flip from thing to thing, and let things go very easily, when your CN is dysfunctional, it's like a rusty gearbox, and you try and move beyind something, but it's stuck, it keeps sticking, so you try and push harder, by performing reassuring compulsions, but that just makes the problem worse.

What happens when a person sort of gets over their obsessions naturally, is the CN doesn't always return to the way you'd want it to be. You don't always train it the way it needs to be retrained, or learn the coping mechanisms to stop is malfunctioning again. And so obsessive problems often come back.

Where are you at therapy wise? This is quite a deep problem in you, i can see. I mean sure, the exercises help, but it can often involve some hefty spikes before things get better, and that's not nice to go through alone :)

[mellymel]

Is there any to fix that without meds?

I have been in therapy for a year now. I did CBT and that helped me a lot with the other intrusive thoughts. I loved working with that therapist but she was limited on sessions with me and suggested I seek long term therapy for my PTSD. So now I am seeing a new doc who is treating all of my issues: ptsd and intrusive thoughts. These two obsessions that I mentioned are fairly new though since I have last seen her.