My Dad's coming back this weekend

[barelytolerable]

I usually see my Dad every couple of weeks, and every time I find out he's coming to visit, I start to feel a little panicked. My heart starts beating fast and I start shaking. I just really don't want to see him, and I feel like I'm being backed into a corner. I think it's because he can just show up and any time and I usually have one or two days notice before he comes. I just want to escape right now, but I know I have to learn to deal with it. How do I talk myself down?

[Enduronman]

I'm guessing by your name that this has alot to do with it...
Do I want to ask why you don't want to see your Dad???
Does he usually bring stresses and troubles your way??
Or does he judge you??....
Just wondering...maybe we can get to the bottom of it rather than just running to hide or escape...

E-Man.. :)

[barelytolerable]

Well actually my name is a quote from my favorite film, Pride and Prejudice! :) Although I will admit that I'm not always the best person to be around.
I tried to keep it vague because if I had to explain then this post would be very long. I did talk about it a little in my first post. You replied to it if you remember... I think it was a few weeks ago.
Anyway, I'm not expecting him to talk to me much because we usually only say a few words to each other. So it's not really that I'm worried that he's going to do anything, but it's very hard to relax knowing that he's around. I'm sorry I'm not explaining this very well but I don't know how to put it into words. Just his presence makes me very uncomfortable.

[Enduronman]

Ok,..I feel the need to step back into time then..a few weeks it is!!

I have my cape on, shouldn't be long....BRB!

E-Man.. :)

[Enduronman]

OK!!
Got it...
How can you get out of there??
Plan some things with friends, a sleepover, something, the mall, a movie,,(don't tell me that you don't have friends, you do, I can tell) so how can you get away for awhile?????
And yes, your anxiety will be fine while he's around, you're just not making it any easier by staying around there..if you know what I mean...
Surely at 17 they'll let you go out??...My daughters did, but that's just how I raised them anyway....
Do you have "restrictions"?.....

E-Man...

[barelytolerable]

I do have a friend who has a car, I don't know if she'll let me come over on such short notice, though so I might have to beg. How pathetic.
E-Man, thank you for always replying to my posts.

[kateb]

Hi there, I don't think we have spoken before, but I totally get this as I have a similar thing with my dad, although I haven't read your first post so I'm not entirely aware of your situation, but I'm guessing it is somewhat similar. Nowadays it is much easier for me because I have my own life and live far away, but when I was still living at home, if he used to come round or when I used to see him it inevitably led to heart pounding and lots of tension beforehand, and sometimes difficult conversations and stuff. I think Eman has a great response about planning something else, cos that avoids a conflict entirely. If you have to be in the house because your friend can't have you over, can you stick with any siblings/family so that you don't have to feel like you are on your own? Can you talk to them about it and get support from them? If not, can you keep yourself to yourself without causing any issues (eg. say you have a lot of work to do or that a friend is having some issues so you need to talk to them)?

Or if you don't feel any of that will help, just remember that you are a strong, grown up person nowadays and are free to make your own choices and decisions. Ultimately, you are nearly old enough to go and live your own life, and you probably will be very soon, so just keep that in your mind when you are talking to him or around him - you don't have to be afraid of anyone now, although obviously not everything is inside your control. Stay strong :) x

[barelytolerable]

Hi there, I don't think we have spoken before, but I totally get this as I have a similar thing with my dad, although I haven't read your first post so I'm not entirely aware of your situation, but I'm guessing it is somewhat similar. Nowadays it is much easier for me because I have my own life and live far away, but when I was still living at home, if he used to come round or when I used to see him it inevitably led to heart pounding and lots of tension beforehand, and sometimes difficult conversations and stuff. I think Eman has a great response about planning something else, cos that avoids a conflict entirely. If you have to be in the house because your friend can't have you over, can you stick with any siblings/family so that you don't have to feel like you are on your own? Can you talk to them about it and get support from them? If not, can you keep yourself to yourself without causing any issues (eg. say you have a lot of work to do or that a friend is having some issues so you need to talk to them)?

Or if you don't feel any of that will help, just remember that you are a strong, grown up person nowadays and are free to make your own choices and decisions. Ultimately, you are nearly old enough to go and live your own life, and you probably will be very soon, so just keep that in your mind when you are talking to him or around him - you don't have to be afraid of anyone now, although obviously not everything is inside your control. Stay strong :) x

Ah, thank you, glad to know that someone has been through something similar. It's just going to be me at the house, unfortunately, because my other siblings live in another state and my Mom is working all weekend. I'm going to be so bored in the house by myself. My sister usually comes to visit on the weekend because she lives pretty close to my house. Usually, I can talk with my sister about this, but she's so adamant about not seeing my Dad that she refuses to even come back when he's here.

[kateb]

I see - I can totally understand why you would feel tense in such a situation- maybe it helps to think of that tension/stress response as your body trying to help you to prepare, not as a negative thing? Sometimes I panic about feeling anxious and heart racing, but actually my body is just trying to help me to cope with the situation.

In terms of talking yourself down from feeling that anxious, I usually just tell myself "You can handle this, you have dealt with it before and you will be able to deal with it this time" things like that, basically reassuring myself that I'm a grown person and it is nothing to worry about. I sometimes find it helps to remind myself that I have a lot of good things going for me, I'm a good daughter, I'm not a failure (because my dad was definitely more on the emotionally abusive side) so it helps me to mentally readjust those beliefs before I see him and approach it with a NEW, STRONG attitude.

Nowadays I don't actually really have to do that any more, and I feel a LOT less nervous - because I have established myself and he can't control me any more. I say that because you will get to that point too, where you are outside of his control! :)

I still find that I have this extremely passive attitude with him, where I just let him say whatever he wants, am always very passive and don't argue at all - often this has a backlash afterwards because I think back to the things he said and get really mad and bitch to my boyfriend about them haha - but at least that happens so rarely now - but yeah I'm still going on a 'journey' with my dad and always will be - I've accepted him for the flawed person he is, and forgiven lots of things, but I still can't handle him like I handle other people - but I'm only 24 so I have time, and so do you!!

Hope any of that makes sense! haha!x

[Enduronman]

Hopefully she was actually able to get out of there!!..I bet she did.....she has a tough story.
Have a good night Barely and Kateb!

Enduronman... :)

[barelytolerable]

Guys, you're right, I'm gonna be fine. I'm gonna go write in my journal and meditate. Good night, E-man!

[trinidiva]

Well actually my name is a quote from my favorite film, Pride and Prejudice! :) Although I will admit that I'm not always the best person to be around.
I tried to keep it vague because if I had to explain then this post would be very long. I did talk about it a little in my first post. You replied to it if you remember... I think it was a few weeks ago.
Anyway, I'm not expecting him to talk to me much because we usually only say a few words to each other. So it's not really that I'm worried that he's going to do anything, but it's very hard to relax knowing that he's around. I'm sorry I'm not explaining this very well but I don't know how to put it into words. Just his presence makes me very uncomfortable.

Hmm...that sounds like a tough situation. Has something happened for you and your sis to feel so uncomfortable around your dad? Or is it more like a feeling of being judged? I guess im just trying to understand what is the motivating factor that is making you back away and is causing you anxiety.

[barelytolerable]

Hmm...that sounds like a tough situation. Has something happened for you and your sis to feel so uncomfortable around your dad? Or is it more like a feeling of being judged? I guess im just trying to understand what is the motivating factor that is making you back away and is causing you anxiety.

Hi... I didn't see this until now. I talked about it in my first post a few weeks ago. If you want to know more you can message me.