I Feel Sad

[janey]

I know it doesn't really matter. I'm only one person out of billions and billions who are and have been. I'm a speck. Nothing to this world. But that's not why I'm sad.

I'm sad because I feel like I'm going to lose everyone in a short amount of time. I feel like time is running out. Not for me, but for them.

Although online I'm come off as a cocky SOB, in reality I am so delicate emotionally and I feel too much for people around me. It's pain. Everyday, I feel pain.

For those who don't know, I come from a severely alcoholic and chaotic family since the day I was born to present day. I've had tons of horrible experiences growing up, and while I'm not going to type them out right now, I will say that I've turned into a complete ACOA (adult child of alcoholics) and an intense codependent. Throughout the years, my parents health has been destroyed by their substance abuse. My dad had cancer several times and recently had a cysectomy, which turned into a nightmare surgery. My mom has COPD and had an aortic aneurysm last year. So yeah, they have some pretty crazy health problems. What makes it worse is that they don't worry or take care of themselves, so I do it for them. They are my world; I love them more than myself. I would gladly give them all of my health if I could. I've spent my whole life caring for these people and it's not something I can just stop. They just keep drinking and causing a mess. Fighting, chaos, hateful words, drunk driving, total denial...every damn day.

Basically, my whole family consists of my mom, dad, brother and grandma. Not only are my mom and dad's health compromised, but my brother happens to be an alcoholic and crack addict as well. My grandma is 87 years old and she won't live much longer. I feel like everyone around me who I love so much are going to pass away. I even worry about my two dogs constantly. One of them grew up with me and she's getting older too. I'm very close to them.

I worry about these things obsessively. I also feel too much sympathy and compassion for others. I constantly analyze how I interact with others, have a bad habit of never saying no to people and also try to read into facial expressions so much. I annoyingly ask too many questions due to their facial expressions...what's wrong? I can see something in your eyes, what's wrong? Is there anything I can do for you? Is something bothering you? Did I say something? Please tell me, you don't have to hide it from me. Tell me what's wrong.

I know sometimes nothing is wrong and I'm just analyzing too much. I can look at people and just feel these painful emotions for some reason. Like when my grandma smiles, it makes me feel so sad...because she was once a little girl who was vibrant and full of life. Now she's feeble and blind. It doesn't have to be family though. I feel the same way about strangers.

Sometimes this pain is just too overwhelming. I think this amount of sensitivity is because I'm an ACOA. It's awful.

[NeverToo...Fear]

...I missed this as well. Thank you Frankie for bumping this!

I can relate on some level to this, Janey, almost as if I wrote part of it myself. My parents and my two brothers are ones I love quite dearly and I consider true family. My Grandmother, who I took care of, used to be in that category, but she passed away last year. I carry her in my heart and at least feel better that she is no longer in pain. But I feel like my close family, my brothers and parents are my world and I'm deeply, terribly attached to them and love them more than my own life. I do all of the worry for them and it seems like they don't care about their health. My parents complain about their issues (some of their own doing) but they don't do anything about it! No doctor or check ups..and they dismiss it.
It frustrates me to no end because I feel like they could save themselves if they just tried. I wish so much that I didn't care. I wish I could let go and not care. But I can't. It's like I feel too much; from everyone and thing. The thoughts of things ending are always there and it is so hard to enjoy good moments. And I just feel bad for them. I feel bad that time is running out and there is this ticking clock over them.

I too, have a terrible habit of over analyzing as well. Everything. What someone says or does or how they look with the facial expressions. Constant scrutiny with a magnifying glass. After a while, it is flat exhausting. And in a nutshell, my way of thinking is odd and just f***ed up. And I don't know if it is something I can really fix, or it's just who I am.. I still learning and trying to figure it out, sorting out the pain along the way.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, Janey. My heart goes out to you and I hope you are okay.

[NixonRulz]

I just saw this as well. Glad you bumped it up, Frankie

I have known you Janey on here for a year and you told me the same thing when I joined quite a while ago

And through that time, we have had some great times, and a few bumps in the road.

And the chat? That was 4 people completely tuning things out for a few hours daily and feeling a little rough the next morning

Where is Andy, by the way?

But one thing I have never found you lacking in is strength and conviction

You take care of the people you love because you are a good soul

That doesn't make it fair to you because your life is severely impacted

People create their circumstances

Their choice to do the things they do and you are not responsible for their choices

But it is also your choice to continue nurturing them. And that is a noble, yet difficult for you choice

I wish I had an answer.

You should feel proud that you have held things together with your family like I know that you have

But I also hope that you can find a balance where you get the the things you want from your life as you continue to move other's lives forward

I wish some overall happiness and peace for you

[jessed03]

I didn't think much of Janey first time I laid eyes on her...

Remember that? :)

Some threads always just drop off, nothing personal. Don't go to that other forum. I just can't trust them. Something about them just seems off. It's like here, only in an alternate dimension, where the advice is similar, and it's a website, but, the people are far less fun and charismatic.

You know my story Tums.

My dad is 71 next month. Drinks far too much and barely eats. There's not much to look forward to there. But you can only love some people looking back anyway. You keep the good times close to your heart, and the rest, you put down to life I guess. Everything is passing. Stepping back and appreciating what you have now, and actually living that, that's the only way to get beyond contemplation. And when you can't? When the now isn't enjoyable? Then maybe memories are for the best anyway.

I've known you a year now, which is a while, but at the same time, not long at all.

You've done a lot in that year, I'm proud. I know you're not perfect, that you're still kinda troubled by stuff, but you've found your way out of a hole. You've taken a bit of life back, and that's great. You can keep doing that, and take a little more back, and a little more. Your self esteem needs a lot of work, that's gonna help you feel a lot better. Invest some of that bridge money in a good book! The goal I guess is to truly experience life in a non-anxious, non-troubled state, to see out of clear eyes. That's when the pessimistic worries, even though they're true, aren't important.

So keep working. Who knows what the next year will look like for you.

Look at the detailed responses you've gotten. Surely that should convince you to stay.

You can message me when you wanna talk about stuff. You don't have to just message about joke stuff.

And also tell Leroy I've got his money here. Two hunnit dollars. I haven't seen him lately.

[Enduronman]

So, she just went to another forum??? Why and which one???...
She hasn't been around here lately,. and she deleted her Facebook..
What up wit dat Jesse???
Weren't we good enough friends????
I thought we were...I tried, we all tried...JANEY!!! HELLO!!!!

E-Man...

[NixonRulz]

Bumped back to the first page

[janey]

@Frankie: Thank you for replying to my post and for your concern. I'm sorry for the late reply. I'm doing okay, but of course I'm still sad. How are you and your husband doing?

@Never...: Maybe you are my long lost twin! Thank you for your response and concern. I most certainly hope things get better for you.

@Nix: It's exactly a year this month that I joined the forum. We did have a lot of fun times and a lot of animosity towards each other. I only carried that animosity for a short while and just kind of became neutral towards you. I know you and Jess have become close and that's nice. I bet you two entertain each other a lot. It's a shame that damn chat doesn't work anymore. There was magic in it. You're a cool dude and thanks for your reply despite our differences. In our inbox messages, it seems I offended you easily. That wasn't my intention; it's just my sense of humor.

@Jess: Yes, I do remember that. I wish you never deleted that post; it was really funny. :P So much for being two peas in a pod, huh? I do think my biggest problem is my self-esteem and insecurity. I always feel like you're playing mind games or mocking me. I could be paranoid. I don't know. I do miss our talking and there are times I wish we still did. That sounds so lame because we were just online pals. Nothing real life. :P I've been seriously looking for an online friend who's like you. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone other than family. It's just not happening. Anyway, I hope your pops is doing okay and you be well, too. :)

@E-man: You've been a fine friend. :) I did go to another forum, but there's so many people on there that it lacks the personal touch. I'm going to post there a few more times and see what happens. I guess maybe my posts are boring or something. Maybe I should whine about my heart. :P Whatchu up to, foo?

[To Whom It May Concern/You Don't Have To Read]:
I really hate my job now. It feels like jail. I went to a meeting a few weeks ago and they said we won't be getting a raise with this company for at least 8 years. I'm starting to look for a job with livable wages since I think my current job looks decent on a resume.

I've been feeling random spells during the day of complete exhaustion to the point where I can barely keep my eyes open. One little thing sets it off. A slightly heated conversation, answering questions and someone doesn't understand, having to call about something...even just looking at my mom. When I'm done, I feel totally drained and have to lay down. I also feel this way after eating (esp. sugar and carbs).

I do have an eating problem. I eat when I'm bored, which is basically most of my work day. I'm not fat or even that chunky. The weight I've gained has sort of just spread out throughout my whole body in a thin layer. I still appear pretty skinny, but on the inside I'm feeling very unhealthy.

I do feel ugly, though. Suddenly I really hate my face and just about everything about myself. I ask for reassurance from my family constantly and don't really trust their opinion. I actually don't trust anyones' opinion because kindness gets in the way. The most important opinion is mine and I just can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I've really been demoting myself into a child. More and more, I want to be a kid again. My heart aches (there's the heart complaint people love to read about) to be 10 again. It's embarrassing to admit, but I have been doing childish things and buying childish things and even dressing like a child in a way. I thoroughly enjoy when people play along and treat me like a child. I know it's a coping mechanism. Even in the car, I play Disney and Studio Ghibli songs and it really comforts me. I know if I continue doing this people will start thinking I'm not all there in the head. Am I also compensating for parts of my childhood that got ripped away from me? I'm fucked up.

[Enduronman]

We miss you Janey!!!! Come home!!!!....:)

[Dahila]

Janey I had read you post a few days ago, but I thought I can not give you any sound advice, but maybe you are not looking for advice, I think you are not. I wish my English was better so I could write a nice story....
It is natural to check other forum, I would do too if I get the time.
situation you are now in is difficult would be difficult for 50 years old too. Too much responsibilities and not enough enjoyment in your life. Just remember Everyone have his life and everyone makes his own decision, you can not change people, you can change the way you look at them.
Try to be a bit selfish, you have one life (I do not believe there is any afterlife) and spend it wisely. Try to stay with what is good in your life at the present moment, and enjoy it:)

I hate my job too, and people make me furious with their constant blabbering, all the time. ....

You need to let your body to sleep when it needs, you are blessed this way....some people never sleep...
Try to change what you can change, like your job, and focus on how beautiful you are not the opposite. I think that for such young lady you are really sharp :)

[NeverToo...Fear]

Maybe you could be my twin. I recently went through a period were I just hated my reflection. I only saw what was wrong instead of accepting what was right and what made me me. And the acne and bad hair days did nothing but rub it in, making me feel really pathetic about myself. And it would spiral cause I would think of how I was only getting older so it would just get worse. Hah, ofc the family said I looked fine, and they literally roll their eyes when I say otherwise, but I always just don't believe them! It just seems like it's our own opinions that matter, even if we know we might not be seeing clearly. But that's why I make a point to wear something that makes me feel good. Often if I feel good, my attitude reflects that, and I feel a little better inside. That's why eating healthy and exercise helps too. I'm not the best advocate for healthy eating, but when I do try and eat better, I feel better inside and that can help a lot. Do you exercise? If you don't, I highly recommend it. It helps the mood, confidence and self-esteem!

And you know what, it's fine to want to be act like a child. I don't think we ever really grow up, we just look older and are expected to act like it too. But childhood is one of those really unique and awesome times in your life where you don't have a care in the world, and your only job was to have fun. So when it's gone, well, who wouldn't want want to get back to that sort of life? I miss it too.. and I'll still watch reruns from my favorite shows as a little girl.. But for now, coping mechanism or not, I say do what makes you feel better.

Hang in there, Janey. We are all here for you. :)

[Enduronman]

Janey come home!!!! Geeze!!! It's been long enough..... We miss you, so there foooo!

E-Man... :)

[jessed03]

Join in the campaign by using the hashtag #BringJaneyHome

[jessed03]

You can talk to me whenever by the way. You shouldn't have deleted Facebook!!! Go on as Leroy when you wanna talk.

Look at all these people caring about you. Caaaaaaan you feeeeeeel the looooooove tonight

[NeverToo...Fear]

#BringJaneyHome ....... Oh, Frankie, me too :) Lion King is one of my favorite Disney movies of all time! :D

[jessed03]

Wrist bands going on sale at 1.99 each. Hopefully we can raise enough cash to get Eman a plane ticket over there, and bring Janey home where she belongs.

[NeverToo...Fear]

So now E-man is the anxiety bounty hunter? Haha, forget the van, upgrade to a plane!!!

@Frankie
Oh yeah, it's sad to watch everytime.. so we're blubbering fools together.

[Enduronman]

Boy do I cry when Mufasa is killed though.....blubbering fool.

Jesse, what is the purpose of the van then?

Yes!!! We got the van!!!....

Poor Janey on her scooter....NOT A CHANCE!! We're coming for you Pledge!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vw3bPUOE47s

Enduronman.. LMAO!!! :)

[jessed03]

Yes!!! We got the van!!!....

Poor Janey on her scooter....NOT A CHANCE!! We're coming for you Pledge!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vw3bPUOE47s

Enduronman.. LMAO!!! :)

Haha ah big bro that's the laugh I needed. Mainly cos I could imagine you doing all of the stuff in that vid!!!

[janey]

Yahhhh I'm hereeeeeeee. :) Got 3 days off from work. Wooo.

[Enduronman]

JANEY!!!!! I didn't even have to break out the van and hunt you down!!...HI!!! *waves* !!!!

Please don't leeeaaaaaavvvveeee us!!!...

E-Man.. :)

[janey]

:P Oh sahppp, you sappy pappy!

[janey]

I was only jokingggggggggggggggg, jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zz.