savingkie
02-18-2014, 08:40 PM
I hope this doesn't sound absolutely mental, but I'm becoming very worried that I've developed schizophrenia or something, as becoming crazy is one of my biggest feats, despite the fact that my therapist did a full mental screening and I only have OCD and GAD, and not even a hint of a crazy mindset.
Anyways, I'm in high school (a time I should most likely be out enjoying as it's my first year), and I've had "pure obsessional" OCD, emetephobia, and GAD since elementary school. Over Christmas break, I was forced to try Zoloft (20mg of the liquid) because I was missing a lot of school due to my anxiety, and it sent me into a complete constantly anxious state. I lost 15 pounds, I had no appetite for the entire Christmas break (about 2 weeks), and I constantly felt a weird buzzing, "crazy", indescribable feeling in my head. Of course, since one of the medicine's side effects is an increased rate of suicide in teens, I absolutely freaked out and I was in a constant panic, mentally checking whether I was suicidal over and over again. I didn't see any of my friends over break, and I spent each day ruminating- which made me temporarily depressed. Due to the fact that my OCD was brought back by the possible .0001% chance of the medicine making me lose control (after it had been gone since last winter- every winter since 6th grade I've gotten intrusive thoughts about suicide- I DO NOT want to die, it's anxiety about losing control and committing suicide) I've been quite the anxious mess lately.
To get to the point, I would say I'm having a really hard time letting go of the experience I had on the medicine, as I actually felt crazy and depressed and it was absolutely terrifying, I cried every day and into the night (where I barely slept), and begged to be taken off the medicine, and I finally got off of it after about four weeks, as my parents noticed how much of an absolute mess I was. I felt as if I was living in a dreamlike state, and I felt like that up until last Sunday. It was absolutely terrifying, and I'm afraid I've developed some kind of extremely mild PTSD or dissociation disorder. Every day, I get intrusive thoughts that tell me things such as, "You won't live past today", "You'll never be able to go to school again", "You're bound to have a breakdown/go crazy any day now", "You're going to fail out of school and not go to college" (Even though I'm an high honor roll student- I didn't do as well last quarter due to the fact that I missed a lot of school because of my anxiety, and I found myself fairly unmotivated and lazy, which scared me a lot, as I'm scared that I'm going to fail my classes and stop doing work for some reason) and other thoughts that have to do with upcoming fate or breakdowns. These are not voices, yet I'm scared that they are voices and I'm scared that I've developed schizophrenia without my therapist or parents even noticing! I know that I do not want to die, and I'm super happy and ambitious without these thoughts, but they seriously put a negative outlook on my life, and they seem to prevent me from looking into the future. I'm also very scared that these thoughts may lead to something and when they get really severe I even beg my mom to take me to the hospital/therapist to avoid any harm-doing to myself (despite the fact that I hate hospitals, and I've never even been to one!)
I hope that by now I don't seem like a complete mental case, but I'd really like to know if this is just my OCD or if it's something else, such as schizophrenia or dissociative disorder? I don't have auditory or visual hallucinations or multiple personalities, the closest thing I may have ever gotten to "crazy" is most likely the "brain buzzing" chaotic feeling I got on the medicine, which I've also been getting once and a whole lately despite the fact that I've been off the medicine for about a month. Should I tell my therapist about these specific thoughts? I'm in CBT and he knows all the rest of my thoughts, but I haven't really told him about these exact thoughts.
Thanks so much to anyone who takes time to read! :)
Anyways, I'm in high school (a time I should most likely be out enjoying as it's my first year), and I've had "pure obsessional" OCD, emetephobia, and GAD since elementary school. Over Christmas break, I was forced to try Zoloft (20mg of the liquid) because I was missing a lot of school due to my anxiety, and it sent me into a complete constantly anxious state. I lost 15 pounds, I had no appetite for the entire Christmas break (about 2 weeks), and I constantly felt a weird buzzing, "crazy", indescribable feeling in my head. Of course, since one of the medicine's side effects is an increased rate of suicide in teens, I absolutely freaked out and I was in a constant panic, mentally checking whether I was suicidal over and over again. I didn't see any of my friends over break, and I spent each day ruminating- which made me temporarily depressed. Due to the fact that my OCD was brought back by the possible .0001% chance of the medicine making me lose control (after it had been gone since last winter- every winter since 6th grade I've gotten intrusive thoughts about suicide- I DO NOT want to die, it's anxiety about losing control and committing suicide) I've been quite the anxious mess lately.
To get to the point, I would say I'm having a really hard time letting go of the experience I had on the medicine, as I actually felt crazy and depressed and it was absolutely terrifying, I cried every day and into the night (where I barely slept), and begged to be taken off the medicine, and I finally got off of it after about four weeks, as my parents noticed how much of an absolute mess I was. I felt as if I was living in a dreamlike state, and I felt like that up until last Sunday. It was absolutely terrifying, and I'm afraid I've developed some kind of extremely mild PTSD or dissociation disorder. Every day, I get intrusive thoughts that tell me things such as, "You won't live past today", "You'll never be able to go to school again", "You're bound to have a breakdown/go crazy any day now", "You're going to fail out of school and not go to college" (Even though I'm an high honor roll student- I didn't do as well last quarter due to the fact that I missed a lot of school because of my anxiety, and I found myself fairly unmotivated and lazy, which scared me a lot, as I'm scared that I'm going to fail my classes and stop doing work for some reason) and other thoughts that have to do with upcoming fate or breakdowns. These are not voices, yet I'm scared that they are voices and I'm scared that I've developed schizophrenia without my therapist or parents even noticing! I know that I do not want to die, and I'm super happy and ambitious without these thoughts, but they seriously put a negative outlook on my life, and they seem to prevent me from looking into the future. I'm also very scared that these thoughts may lead to something and when they get really severe I even beg my mom to take me to the hospital/therapist to avoid any harm-doing to myself (despite the fact that I hate hospitals, and I've never even been to one!)
I hope that by now I don't seem like a complete mental case, but I'd really like to know if this is just my OCD or if it's something else, such as schizophrenia or dissociative disorder? I don't have auditory or visual hallucinations or multiple personalities, the closest thing I may have ever gotten to "crazy" is most likely the "brain buzzing" chaotic feeling I got on the medicine, which I've also been getting once and a whole lately despite the fact that I've been off the medicine for about a month. Should I tell my therapist about these specific thoughts? I'm in CBT and he knows all the rest of my thoughts, but I haven't really told him about these exact thoughts.
Thanks so much to anyone who takes time to read! :)