Cheating OCD manifesting from a situation that happened 4 years ago

[mglover92]

I know this is long so I am sorry ahead of time. I have cheating OCD. or ROCD. I have been with my amazing girlfriend for 6 years. We do everything with each other. We love each other. Always hang out with each other. She is like my best friend. Well lately my anxiety has been high because of my obsessions. Currently I feel like I am not in control of my actions. Now let me explain further. This part sucks but I am human being and I am trying to let go. 4 years ago (I was 18 at the time) I started to like another girl while in a relationship. Long story short I just ended up talking to her mainly through text and developing feelings for her. At one point I admitted to her that I had a crush on her. Bad move I know. But after that shortly I stopped communicating with her because she didnt have the same. We talked normally after that but communication just stopped because we just drifted apart. Thank god. But anyways. I never talked to her again really after that and do not want to at all. Fast forward 2 now. Some how I developed cheating OCD or ROCD. I am 100% happy with my girlfriend, I love my girlfriend, and I have matured so fucking much over the last 4 years. ALOT. Everything has changed about me. I feel like I was still a kid at 18 when that situation happened. But After being diagnosed with anxiety it made me become so mature to life. I appreciate everything I have. My friends, family and my loving girlfriend who has stuck by me through all of this. But now I constantly have these OCD intrusive thoughts that I am a bad guy and that I cheated on her, or that I have no control over my actions or I cant control my thoughts and feelings or that I may cheat in the future and not be able to control myself.I am also a extrovert which sucks because I read an article that they are more prone to cheating....Even when I see someone, or i find them a little bit attractive i get these intrusive thoughts that shoot me back to the past when I said that thing to that person and it makes me feel like I could cheat in the future. It sucks and causes me to have really bad anxiety and really makes me not enjoy the present moment and not be happy. It makes me feel so fucking guilty. I would never want to hurt my girlfriend. EVER. She is loyal and has stuck by me through my anxiety and beyond. I cant change the past I have to move on but the thoughts I get pull me back no matter how random or dumb they are. I look back at the conversation I had with that girl in the past and I think to myself what the fuck were you thinking? And it makes me sick and sad that I could even say something like that. Well folks, I dont know what to do. I would never do anything to hurt my girlfriend, and I dont want to be with anyone else but her. Dont know what I was thinking 4 years ago. But for some reason I cant get over it and its causing me to not enjoy my life at the moment. Any advice to stop having these thoughts and to eliminate this guilt?

[ab123]

I think try to turn your thoughts around in a different way, for one...you haven't cheated..so that right there should show you that you won't. Hard to say though since I'm not in your position.

[em1]

Hello there intrusive thoughts no matter what there content are very disturbing I know,I've had them a few months myself and I never suffered from them be4 so I know what your going through,the key to them to to understand they are what they are and that's just thoughts,no matter how bad they get they are thoughts,every living person has them but because we over think them etc they stay longer,your a good loving boyfriend and your girlfriend knows this,this is why your still together.theres lots you can do to help yourself,read to understand it the imp of the mind is a fab book it helped me loads to understand I was not the only one and not going crazy lol also talk to your doctor they can send you to therapy if you want or give you something to help for a while :) please don't feel like your alone as your not and hell your normal :)
I hope my advise has helped you

[GeneAllen]

I want to touch on this topic as well please. EM is correct, and you are NOT your thoughts. Intrusive thoughts come to sooo many people. Sane people are mostly concerned with them. However this guilt issue, and the self concern (which is stress itself) is this... FEAR. We name all kinds of emotions to bring clarity to a subject.
However underneath what appears to be "guilt" you may find more. Have you ever feared losing your gal? Do you feel if you cheated, or fear you would be "like" someone in your life that you have judged for cheating? A father, a brother, a mother, a friend? Have you ever feared being the "bad" guy who hurt a woman, or any other? I have no idea what your answers are, but I know for me fear is the same coin as love, only fear is frustrated love. This is important, the word "love" has been so overused, and spoke of so often it's like saying "god". These words have lost their punch, and rightly so in the long run, whatever love "is". Is really almost unexplainable, as it really does surpass words, and yet it's amazing huh? I use the words "source" or "beingness" just to keep minds from assuming they "know" of what I speak about. The mind habitually hears a word and draws a conclusion so quickly and misses the entire thought being uttered in language. For instance you say "god" I automatically think "old man in the sky". You say "love" I think of valentines day, and cupid, roman influence thus romantic love. When you say guilt I think "something wrong" then this leads to what? Fear, a threated feeling of loss, or of being a "bad" guy. See how every thought is a judgment? Eckhart Tolle points this out very articulately. We think too much and we call that "normal", and yet thought is a tool to do a task, job, schedule. However I will make a distinction here between normal and natural. This may give you a little relief, and be more realistic. When a man or a woman sees a member of the opposite sex ( now this can be there for same sex as well), we have built in mating response. Social ideas about it all etc. It's very natural ( society may say not normal) to be in awe of the beauty of women, and yes I have a wife, I have counseled and spoke to many couples and truth be known men and women both get the "urge to merge", and of course this
is an old mating response to ensure we go on as a species, or a creation. Fear comes when we listen to society, "RELIGION", especially. Guilt/fear has no use in the natural but is quite praised in the "normal" world. attraction to another is a key factor, a crush as you say is nothing more than that, do you think men and women do not develop these "crush's" from time to time, even when attached to the love of their life they truly are choosing to be monogamous with? Where did you find these
expectations, they are probably not yours, but you picked them up, and developed a belief system based on wrongs and rights. Black or white no grey thinking allowed? If this serves you keep it, I find it again is very normal but not natural, and I think we naturally want to protect, care for and hold dear what we love. If anything is "guilt driven" it's "normal" but a very tiny space to live, and people "naturally" need space to expand, grow as individuals, and recognize they are being itself. Life works I assure you, it's just we get in the way at times, we judge this or that, we worry, we fear, we DO NOT trust ourselves bottom line, and feel answers can only be trusted that come from "OUT THERE". This is a flat out lie, no answer you ever feel satisfied with will come from anywhere except within your self, not your ego self, but you true beingness, underneath it all is calm, peace, and trusting YOU. Always enjoy the beauty in the trees, the women, the grass, and water, as well as your fellow man. Never think you possess them, or are better or worse, as you are not equipped to handle this. Be with you and you will see, that's where peace is, and all things are organized, allow your ego to coexist with you the knowing you. It's so easy to let life live us (deemed very "normal" in the world), and neurotic at best always thinking, judging, filtering all thru a negative filter that my friend is the default YOU, automatic you. Decide to do no harm, to you or anyone, let life work it's magic, stay out of the way, quit expecting it go your way, allow all things, even in the what we call "ugliness" is great beauty. I am sorry to ramble, and I was going to awaken more before I replied, but I let that compulsive mind have it's way this time. Ooops. LOL Hope it makes some kind of sense. Be good to yourself, really "love yourself, and I assure you the desire to hurt anyone collapses completely, just don't pick up the old default habits. "Be" as much as you can, think as little as required to function, when you are in your being, you will see so clearly. Peace