Maddycat
02-06-2014, 06:33 PM
Hello everyone!
My name's Marie and with this forum I'm hoping to find a lot of support and tips in order to beat my anxiety once and for all!
My symptoms all started maybe 3 years ago, although I've always been the worry type. At school, I was a perfectionist and was putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I was stressing way too much before exams and always believed I would fail even when I would get a perfect grade. I had a few friends, but was too shy to go to parties and interract with strangers. This shyness was my main source of worry when I was younger, and today, at 27, it still is, and my body is aching with all of this accumulated struggle.
When I was 18, my mom moved away from my hometown, and I followed. I went to college and slowly started to lose all of my hometown friends, because talking on the phone has always been difficult for me, so I stopped calling. I was fully invested in my studies and didn't try to make new friends in my new town. At 21, I did a burn-out and quit university. I started working night shifts at a corner store, and played MMORPGs during the day. During that time I met my ex-boyfriend which introduced me to drugs. Pot, extasy, speed, I got addicted instantly. They'd remove that shyness barrier I had inside of me, and made me feel more confident...temporarily. After 3 years, I had enough. These drugs were destroying my life, and made me feel even worse than before. I wouldn't go out anymore, I would cancel all of my appointments and ignore all of my loved one's calls. I started getting closer to my current boyfriend which could see I was unhappy, and helped me get out of it. We started a very healthy lifestyle together. After 2 years together we were able to buy our first house and I was feeling the happiest I've ever been...
And then, my panic attacks started.
It started with my heart rate which I felt was abnormally high. I went to see the doctor which made me wear a heart-monitor during 24h. Even though he said the tests were showing normal hearth rates, I couldn't stop taking my pulse in my throat, and would feel like I would die of a hearth attack at times. I'd spend the night in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, in front of the toilet, feeling sick and fragile. I would also feel light-headed, and have difficulty breathing. Went back to the doctor, got an X-ray of my lungs and passed an asthma test. Lungs were perfect, but turned out I had asthma. Started using ventolin, but it didn't make me feel any better. After that, my symptoms just kept piling up and getting worse. I had dry mouth, tight throat, heartburns... Went a few more times to the doctor until one of them told me my symptoms looked a lot like anxiety. It all started to make sense to me. My symptoms would get worse at work and in crowded places like the mall. I wouldn't be able to relax at home because I would think about everything I did and didn't do during the day, and think about the unresolved situations I'd have to deal with the next day. I've always been that way and I never thought it would actually make me feel ill physically. I'm so tired of it all.
I don't take any anxiety medication. I kind of got "traumatized" by drugs and want to try to overcome it by myself, but day after day, I feel worse and worse, and keep discovering new symptoms. I don't know if I have enough self-control, but I'm motivated to take action. I don't have the money to consult a psychologist currently, so I'm trying other means, like this forum.
And that's my story. Thanks for reading, i'm going to do the same now :)
My name's Marie and with this forum I'm hoping to find a lot of support and tips in order to beat my anxiety once and for all!
My symptoms all started maybe 3 years ago, although I've always been the worry type. At school, I was a perfectionist and was putting a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. I was stressing way too much before exams and always believed I would fail even when I would get a perfect grade. I had a few friends, but was too shy to go to parties and interract with strangers. This shyness was my main source of worry when I was younger, and today, at 27, it still is, and my body is aching with all of this accumulated struggle.
When I was 18, my mom moved away from my hometown, and I followed. I went to college and slowly started to lose all of my hometown friends, because talking on the phone has always been difficult for me, so I stopped calling. I was fully invested in my studies and didn't try to make new friends in my new town. At 21, I did a burn-out and quit university. I started working night shifts at a corner store, and played MMORPGs during the day. During that time I met my ex-boyfriend which introduced me to drugs. Pot, extasy, speed, I got addicted instantly. They'd remove that shyness barrier I had inside of me, and made me feel more confident...temporarily. After 3 years, I had enough. These drugs were destroying my life, and made me feel even worse than before. I wouldn't go out anymore, I would cancel all of my appointments and ignore all of my loved one's calls. I started getting closer to my current boyfriend which could see I was unhappy, and helped me get out of it. We started a very healthy lifestyle together. After 2 years together we were able to buy our first house and I was feeling the happiest I've ever been...
And then, my panic attacks started.
It started with my heart rate which I felt was abnormally high. I went to see the doctor which made me wear a heart-monitor during 24h. Even though he said the tests were showing normal hearth rates, I couldn't stop taking my pulse in my throat, and would feel like I would die of a hearth attack at times. I'd spend the night in the bathroom, sitting on the floor, in front of the toilet, feeling sick and fragile. I would also feel light-headed, and have difficulty breathing. Went back to the doctor, got an X-ray of my lungs and passed an asthma test. Lungs were perfect, but turned out I had asthma. Started using ventolin, but it didn't make me feel any better. After that, my symptoms just kept piling up and getting worse. I had dry mouth, tight throat, heartburns... Went a few more times to the doctor until one of them told me my symptoms looked a lot like anxiety. It all started to make sense to me. My symptoms would get worse at work and in crowded places like the mall. I wouldn't be able to relax at home because I would think about everything I did and didn't do during the day, and think about the unresolved situations I'd have to deal with the next day. I've always been that way and I never thought it would actually make me feel ill physically. I'm so tired of it all.
I don't take any anxiety medication. I kind of got "traumatized" by drugs and want to try to overcome it by myself, but day after day, I feel worse and worse, and keep discovering new symptoms. I don't know if I have enough self-control, but I'm motivated to take action. I don't have the money to consult a psychologist currently, so I'm trying other means, like this forum.
And that's my story. Thanks for reading, i'm going to do the same now :)