doc told me I have ptsd here goes nothin

[ab123]

So,go to the doctor today. He thinks I have ptsd. Since I get to say whatever I want to here I will. He asked me very specifically what kind of trauma I've had in my life and it felt kind of good to say it out loud since i never had before. So I'm going to say them all here in hopes of letting it all out. Some people know bits and pieces of my story. But here's all of it. My father passed away when I was three years old, was made fun of in school for being too skinny and smelling like cigarettes because my mom smoked in the house. I was molested and sexually abused by my cousin (which my family pretends didn't happen) and by my mother's ex boyfriend. When I was 16 and finally came into my own my boyfriend (whom I had secretly been in love with for years before) died while we were together in a tragic drowning accident. After many family deaths later I became conscious of my health. Fast forward to full blown panic disorder, ptsd (appparently), health anxiety, I haven't worked in a month, and what is turning into two months. And I am afraid I'm going a little wacky...lol. just trying to get better for my children's sake. Especially my 6 year old daughter that I see becoming anxious and it kills me. Whew!! That was weird as hell to say out loud.

[JLBnole68]

That's a lot of crap to deal with. I'm glad you're able to talk about it and that your doctor was able to recognize the signs. I have a good friend who suffered from PTSD. She was also sexually abused and didn't recognize what was going on with her for many years until she finally had a meltdown. Luckily, she got professional help and it's made a world of difference. It can't be easy to open up about a lot of very personal things. My friend told me she had to get past a lot of shame and guilt feelings before she realized none of this was any fault of her own. I hope you'll get lots of great support and therapy to put these things behind you and move beyond the anxiety. I'm thankful I never endured anything to trigger PTSD while growing up, but I've seen what it can do to someone when it's not addressed. Good luck to you and I hope you find healing very soon. We'll all be pulling for you. -Jeff

[ab123]

Thank you,I really appreciate that. Its something that is hard to talk about. But I'm afraid that not talking about it has partly lead me to where I am today.

[JLBnole68]

Yes, I would venture to say it has. As I said, having dealt with a friend who went through this, I absolutely think you're doing the right thing to progress towards healing. You can do this. I have faith and I saw how it turned around my friend's life. She was suffering from major anxiety, too.

[ab123]

I think the hardest part...is day to day My anxiety isn't that high. It has been lately but there had been a separate health issue fueling that. It just comes out of nowhere...and its so frustrating. But thank you. I think dealing with all of it has to be good for me

[El Lukio]

PTSD is nasty business and can come up long after the trigger event. My dad died young in an accident at work and it wasn't until last year (9 years later) that I started suffering from delayed PTSD. I saw a therapist who was really good and helped me through it. She unlocked memories in my mind that I thought I'd dealt with but hadn't and got me to work it put. It definitely helped with the PTSD but the anxiety is still there, ugly as ever.

Good luck.

[em1]

So,go to the doctor today. He thinks I have ptsd. Since I get to say whatever I want to here I will. He asked me very specifically what kind of trauma I've had in my life and it felt kind of good to say it out loud since i never had before. So I'm going to say them all here in hopes of letting it all out. Some people know bits and pieces of my story. But here's all of it. My father passed away when I was three years old, was made fun of in school for being too skinny and smelling like cigarettes because my mom smoked in the house. I was molested and sexually abused by my cousin (which my family pretends didn't happen) and by my mother's ex boyfriend. When I was 16 and finally came into my own my boyfriend (whom I had secretly been in love with for years before) died while we were together in a tragic drowning accident. After many family deaths later I became conscious of my health. Fast forward to full blown panic disorder, ptsd (appparently), health anxiety, I haven't worked in a month, and what is turning into two months. And I am afraid I'm going a little wacky...lol. just trying to get better for my children's sake. Especially my 6 year old daughter that I see becoming anxious and it kills me. Whew!! That was weird as hell to say out loud.

Can I just say what a beautiful amazing woman you are and how strong you are in coping with all this
It's so brave to let it all out and tell your story
But I think that's the first steps to healing yourself and starting to move on.
We are all here to support each other
You sound like a amazing mummy to :)

[ab123]

Thank you em, that was very sweet of you. I try!! I swear I have a pretty normal mentality most of the time. Lol

[jessed03]

You are very, very brave to talk about that so openly, I can't express how much I admire you for that. As somebody who's been quite closed up for most of his life, I just wanna say it's done me no good whatsoever, and I'm so glad you're able to open up and begin to deal with this. Many people don't, they go a lifetime hiding and self medicating.

Families don't always help PTSD do they? Sweeping stuff under the rug, not talking about stuff. Ah well.

You're a very strong person Alaina. You don't deserve what's happened to you in life, but you take it all on regardless. You have an amazing fighting spirit, and I can only wish that that rewards you with some peace in future.

It does take some time after letting all of the bullshit out, before you can even begin to process things. That detox period is pretty weird. Things get pushed down quite far over the years, I know that from experience!! Lol.

Best of luck finding a great therapist, and in tackling this. We'll be here whenever you wanna talk or update us :)

[ab123]

Thank you Jesse, I forget sometimes that I am strong in my moments of weakness, but I know that I am. I have two beautiful children to raise and I want to be everything for them that I never had. I think saying those things out loud was a good release for me because I've never just said every single big thing in my life like that. It really hit home for me when the doctor said ptsd. He is only an urgent care doctor and he has been so sweet to me. His words gave me the courage to speak up, and I feel better letting it out so I can let it go. You don't realize what suprressing emotions can do to you. I never saw the connection between my boyfriend passing, And me putting up with any type of bullshit from a man because in some weird way it was better than them dying. Or the sexual abuse actually twisting my views on how important sex should be in a relationship. It made me really enjoy attention I would get from a man, when I should have been just confident in myself. I've grown a lot and I know better now...and I know what to teach my son and daughter because of it. I just want them to not see the... no..wait stop mommy can't breathe hold on...I have to sit down, hold on I don't feel good. And no we can't go there today because mommy can't. May be it will give them a sympathetic eye to the world. Who knows.

[AmberGbenga]

Thank you Jesse, I forget sometimes that I am strong in my moments of weakness, but I know that I am. I have two beautiful children to raise and I want to be everything for them that I never had. I think saying those things out loud was a good release for me because I've never just said every single big thing in my life like that. It really hit home for me when the doctor said ptsd. He is only an urgent care doctor and he has been so sweet to me. His words gave me the courage to speak up, and I feel better letting it out so I can let it go. You don't realize what suprressing emotions can do to you. I never saw the connection between my boyfriend passing, And me putting up with any type of bullshit from a man because in some weird way it was better than them dying. Or the sexual abuse actually twisting my views on how important sex should be in a relationship. It made me really enjoy attention I would get from a man, when I should have been just confident in myself. I've grown a lot and I know better now...and I know what to teach my son and daughter because of it. I just want them to not see the... no..wait stop mommy can't breathe hold on...I have to sit down, hold on I don't feel good. And no we can't go there today because mommy can't. May be it will give them a sympathetic eye to the world. Who knows.

Oh ab, I feel you so deeply right now.. As much as I know people with similar traumas feel the same.. It's nice to here you say it.. I really admire you for that. You are a strong amazing girl and I can learn a lot from you.

[Dahila]

What the hell is happening, I thought only my generation was molested, abused, neglected,,,, it is awful when it happen to a child, I was watching my children like a hawk. I had a very good reason for being paranoiac. AB I am so sorry you had to go through life like that. I would offer some words of wisdom if I had some..... Try to be strong and calm for your daughter, I had not idea how it is passed to children, now mine blame me for a lot of things. You are amazing young and beautiful woman and I wish you all the best. Thinking of you and sending the thoughts your way:) be strong, you are not alone...

[NeverToo...Fear]

My eyes welled up reading your story.. Alaina that was so brave of you to share that with us. Getting it all out must feel weird, but a good weight lifted off at the same time..I know a little bit, because I've made the mistake of bottling things and basically kept a lot inside. The longer it stays in, the more toxic that build up becomes.

But no one should ever have to go through what you did.. But by you standing here today and telling us your story just proves how much of a strong person you are. You sound like a great Mom and I think you will do just fine raising your children.

Very glad to have you here.. :)

[j brown]

You are a really strong person for getting on here and telling your history of things that happened in your life. I been through a lot of things too but I couldn't imagine going through all that, your really strong

[ab123]

I just want to say thank you all So much, you never realize how strong you are until that is your only choice. I've never felt so much love from people I don't know in my life. In fact, I actually feel like you all ate my other family. All of your kind words continue to give me strength, and I will pray that you all find releif from any struggles you are currently facing. Much love to you all. And again...thank you.

[ab123]

Okay so I don't actually feel like you all ate my family, I definitely meant are. Omg..lol

[JLBnole68]

I did not eat your family. Can't vouch for anyone else. Lol! Seriously, you rock. Get this PTSD crap out of your life and be the awesome person and mom you were meant to be. :D

[ab123]

Thank you:) autocorrect gets me sometimes. Lol.

[JoeCool]

Congratulations on mustering up he courage to share your story! Wow, you have certainly been through a whole heck of a lot. How strong you are my friend!!!! One day at a time you'll overcome this as well....