Advice Needed

[blood]

Hi Everyone, I don't have anxiety but my wife do.... I desperately need advice.... My wife is trying to keep her distance from me... she now a change person and no longer confide in me like she used too.... she prefer to talk and hang out with her frends instead.... she said that it stop her from thinking about her anxiety.... the reason she does so was because i was never around whenever she had an attacked...but she refuse to understand that i was working and can't be there for her all the times....As a husband, i feel bad and wanted to make it up to her.... how can i show her tat i really care and win her back.... i still love her despite her anxiety and doesn't want to lose her....

[NeverToo...Fear]

Well, Blood, you are already doing a good thing by wanting to make it up to her.. but I also don't see where you went totally wrong. You can't obviously be there 24/7, even though it's like expected, lol.
Anxiety is hard to understand unless you've actually experienced it, so she might be feeling that you don't understand exactly what she is going through..I personally tend to push away the people I care about most, because some days I feel like they just don't get it. But that being said, us with anxiety can really put a strain on the persons we live with that don't have it. But it really sounds like you are trying to be there for her.. and that's all you can really do. Be supportive and understanding. Tell her you are trying because, well, you are ! :)

[justme55]

Don't hold it against her blood. I applaud you for standing by her. Try to give her the time and space she needs but continue to tell her you love her. That is the best thing you can do for her. In the end she will come back to her beloved husband. All men could learn a lesson from you. Peace

[blood]

Thanks both.... thats really helpful!! I don't mind letting her having her own space or hanging out with her friends if that would really help her to forget her anxiety... but i would also want her to be the same caring and loving wife that she used to be.... We did talked about this but she said that i'm too late and she don't need my support at all.... It really hurts hearing that from someone that you loved for years... She also did told me that she had come to a point where she can't feel anything at all.... I don't blame her as partly its my fault for not being there for her.... How do I be supportive and show that i understand her?? Currently, I'm helping by getting her medication every night, accompany her to hospital appointment and make it a habit to bring her out for dinner or movie every weekend.... Is there anything else that I can or should do to show her my support other then these??

[NeverToo...Fear]

Gosh, you sound like a super perfect husband. You are trying so hard, but I really think what's going to fix this is time. Right now, she says it's too late. She feels wronged by you (I know that's not fair, but I think it's how she's feeling. You remind her of feeling helpless cause of how you weren't there when she needed you and hence makes her anxiety worse) I know it must feel terrible being told that she doesn't need your support, but right now, I think she needs it more than ever. Not in a pushy over the top way. But kinda just like how you are doing. Let her know that you will support her. You're not giving up on her.

You can't expect this to be fixed overnight, nor expect her to be the same woman either.. things like this take time.. But if you keep proving to her time and time again that you are there for her, she will recognize that (whether she acknowledges it to you or not!) And hopefully things will be better... Keep us updated, Blood.

And hey, you can always see if she wants to sign up here. This place is very good in helping others with anxiety.

[blood]

Thanks everyone for the advice... its really great to heard this from you guys as I have really no idea how to go about and anyone without anxiety won't be able to advice me... Well I don't think that I'm a super perfect husband, otherwise this won't had happened... I neglected her when she needs me the most because of my career and now i hope that I can make things right.... but the most hardest part is still to make her understand that i can't be around 24/7 but i will try as hard as i can to be there for her....

[blood]

By the way guys, what is the best way to make her feel.comfortable.when she suddenly have a attack.... she dun normally used to tell.me when she have one but no longer does so.... I only can tell when she keep on burping and feel restless.... what would you like your spouse to do?? I would normall just rub her back or offer to get her a glass of water.... other then that, is there anything else I can do to.comfort her...?? Appreciate your advice pls....

[vonnhelsing]

Give her a nice back massage and just talk to her about something... distract her..

[NeverToo...Fear]

Asking her would be the right way to go, but I'm thinking as she is resistant to you, you'll just a get a "I don't know" or "I don't need your help" kinda reaction there... I hope I'm wrong and if she tells you what works, great. DO that.

But if she's not telling you, well, you can either guess what to do and not get it totally right. Or do nothing, but just be by her side, waiting. You could just start talking about anything. My mom, when she knows I'm freaking out, will just start babbling about anything. The weather, plans for the day, what's for dinner.. And some odd ball things she'll say that really make me laugh and go, "Mom, wtf are you saying?" Basically, distractions work wonders in the moment because it forces you away from the panic. But most importantly, just knowing someone is just there looking out for you is great.

[blood]

Thanks.... tried searching around but can't seem to find any spousal anxiety/depression type support groups. Do let me know if any of you knew of such group.

Yup,I tried asking her many times but she would either keep quiet or tell me there's nothing wrong although I knew that her anxiety is rocket high.

She used to tell me whenever she is having an attacked but I'm such an asshole and told her that there was nothing wrong with her.... Her attacked always happened after midnight and she would normally begged me not to sleep and to stay up with her all nights. I mean like till 4am to 5 am in the morning everyday and i have to wake up for work at 6am!!! Now, although she doesn't tell me that she wanted me to stay up with her but I tried too and most of the times, i 'm just too tired and sleepy that I would suddenly fell asleep without knowing.

Today, she just posted on fb of her anxiety and how she struggling with it every night.... I would love to be there and support her but well, i can't be staying up all night if that is what she want.... i have really no idea what to do.... Perhaps i should ask her when I bring her out for dinner this weekend.....

Thanks again everyone for your advice....

[em1]

Can I just say what a lovely thing to do for you wife,you sound like a very caring husband and she's very lucky to have someone that cares as much as you,yes she maybe pushing you away buy that's also maybe because she's scared of how the anxitey makes her feel,if she does do this please don't take it to
Heart as sometimes when you feel like this you can only deal
With it on your own.
Keep being supportive of her and be there when she needs you,your doing a fantastic job :)