help im in despair and alone : (...

[bluey]

Hi guys..

Im gonna pour my heart out here.
Basically hermit 10 yrs living with parents till lst year when i got to know this guy and went interstate to meet him then later back again to live with him and his mother.
It was a close friendship and he tried to push me to gain employment and all the rest - trying to make me have fun and be outgoing..to cheer up.
But i was in totally anxiety because it was all so much and although he was there to push me he was not and did not understand me when i was down ie all the time.

Also we slept together and i hadnt done that for 10 yrs either.. tho im 25.
I got confused that we werent together yet lived together and slept together often and not just sex wise.

I felt like it was all up to me - my faualt with my phobia and social issues and work issues and al that that was the reason why i did not get any love and it really hurt.

I went home last year as i failed in my responsibilities ther with rent on time and stuff.. i was in a state. It hurt to be not wanted in the house by the guy i was in love with.

Anyway i end up back home and hate it. It is the place i had never gone on to do anything - small town , living with parents .. all the same feelings of inferrioty and haunts, lonliness and totally despair once again.

I overcontacted the guy too in severe anxiety. I needed to here from him so much because i fell and felt he was the ticket of acknoweldegemnet of the new independent me.. but i also got angry and a wealth of emotions.. i blamed him and brought up his criticalness to me from the past to others as tho he wasa bad person.. i was just in so much fear and hurt..

So he had enough of me for a while and i become disillusionesd as to what i really did and said.. overcontacting but nicely with horrible things in between when i got no answer.. i needed his help.. too much.

Now i am all alone - he has his own social life tho know real close friends except me. I dont havea social life.

I check email and my phone constantly - how lonely i am. I feel so ashamed and scared to my whitts.

Its like i have to go now and do all the things i had been putting off for 10 years ..
I want my independence. Ive had a taste of it.

But im alone it now.

I was going to move back interstate where my friend lived. But now he is moving somewhere else and so now my dreams are scraped and made even more scarey andout of reach.

To move to a state where you dont really know anybody nad have never held a job in your life or rented properly and wree you are scared of getting to know others and totally insecure.. where you have such bad anxiety that your responsibilitie go out the door with forgetfullness and attacks and all..

i feel betrayed.. and alone. I miss my friend but i always feel ashalmed.. i ve got know one who will be my friemd with comfort.

My friend he pushed me and thru a girl's own thoughts on him i did alot of things - fought throgh alot of fears socially.

But now im stuck back here and looking to the future i feel glum and i just dont know.

[ron111]

Hey bluey,

I dont have all of the same issues as you, but I may be able to relate. I don't suffer from social anxiety. I'm just usually constantl anxious haha. But thats probably because I want to get rid of it so bad, and I cant push it. I'm not really sure. Still struggling with it. But anyways. I feel some of your stress. I have a gf that wants me to move in with her soon which is fine. But I dont think she understands my anxiety problems. She thinks that she causes it which she doesnt. She wouldn't leave me, that's not the problem. I just worry to get it fixed soon because I put a lot of pressure on myself. What I would recommend doing is taking small steps and go at your own pace. The age we are at, im 24 isnt an easy age. I guess none are easy. But we are trying to find ourselves and we don't want to miss out on things. I feel like ive missed out on too much this past year. I havent turned down all opportunities but I have some. But anyways, my recommendation would be taking small steps so that you convince yourself slowly that you can do it. I think we have a voice in the back of our head questioning if we can do something. Like yesterday I was very good. I had a great day. Hardly no anxiety at all. But today, I started thinking again, and I had another constant state of anxiety for most of the day. Sorry for rambling. But that's just my my opinion. Hopefully it helps some.