I feel suicidal all the time and I have come close to killing myself what should I do

[Kyle Morgan]

I have suffered with Depression and Anxiety for many years now, it's gotten worse lately because my parents have split up and I have been having panic attacks which stops me from doing things that I enjoy doing. A lot of my friends have turned on me lately because they've found out about my depression. I had a female friend who was there at first but now she barley even acknowledges me and has been ignoring me for a while because a friend of mine had said something to her on facebook which was nothing to do with me.
I sent her this message below, tell me what you think, I've lost so many friends I don't want to lose her too. Tell me if this message sounds ok? The reason I want to send her this message is because I've come close three times now in the past month of killing myself. That's the thing with people, they moan when the person's dead saying that they wished they helped them, but when the person is alive begging them for help, people act like they don't want to know. It annoys me, if I'm dead why care then it's too late. I've had problems with bullies, I'm ugly, I find it extremely hard to relate and get on well with people. I'm a nice guy to people but they just act like douches to me. How can I stay happy when I have nobody to support me, I should just die already. Down below is what I sent to my female friend, she will probably laugh, or block me.

I'm going to be straight with you, the reason I'm talking to you a lot is because I think you're a nice cool person and you are the only female friend I have really, and I feel like I can trust you because you seem a kind person. I know I don't know you really well but to me you seem like a tidy person and we were getting on extremely well the first few months of college.
I'm sorry for bringing it up again but I can't bottle things up any more.
It's hard to talk to guys about problems and family. I'm really upset, sometime last week I almost took my own life. Please don't tell anybody about this, My mother already knows about this. I just need to chat because I have suffered with this for many years but since October it's just been really bad. Please don't be mad at me, I've lost over 5 friends in the last few months because of my depression. I just feel useless to everybody, and I have let people down.
If I ever need to talk to someone can I talk to you? right now I've only got my mother and my brothers are too young to know what I'm going through. I don't mean to talk about it but I've come close a few times now. I have driven people away, I can't explain why I feel like I am, I just think I'm a loser and a failure. I have no self confidence because I've had people bully me for being ugly and thin.
I know you have your own life, all I ask is if I can sometimes chat with you if I feel like I need to talk to someone. Like I said I'm there for you too and for my other friends if they need me because I hate to see people upset or angry. I just like to make sure things are mellow and calm between people. I still feel bad about what happened with you and ben. I worry a lot about ****. To be honest Ben is not the best guy to talk too because he just argues with a lot of people for silly reasons, I feel bad for saying that about him but it's true, I don't want to get involved with that.
Please don't block me or anything, I'm sorry for what I said, I feel ashamed of having it because I think there are people who have it much worse than me I understand you're busy with college but I still want us to get along. All I ask is for us to be cool with each other.
Believe it or not but if I talk to someone like you or my other friends, it makes me feel happier because it takes my mind off things. Don't worry about responding now but would it be ok if we could talk sometime during the next few days.

[GeneAllen]

I have suffered with Depression and Anxiety for many years now, it's gotten worse lately because my parents have split up and I have been having panic attacks which stops me from doing things that I enjoy doing. A lot of my friends have turned on me lately because they've found out about my depression. I had a female friend who was there at first but now she barley even acknowledges me and has been ignoring me for a while because a friend of mine had said something to her on facebook which was nothing to do with me.
I sent her this message below, tell me what you think, I've lost so many friends I don't want to lose her too. Tell me if this message sounds ok? The reason I want to send her this message is because I've come close three times now in the past month of killing myself. That's the thing with people, they moan when the person's dead saying that they wished they helped them, but when the person is alive begging them for help, people act like they don't want to know. It annoys me, if I'm dead why care then it's too late. I've had problems with bullies, I'm ugly, I find it extremely hard to relate and get on well with people. I'm a nice guy to people but they just act like douches to me. How can I stay happy when I have nobody to support me, I should just die already. Down below is what I sent to my female friend, she will probably laugh, or block me.

I'm going to be straight with you, the reason I'm talking to you a lot is because I think you're a nice cool person and you are the only female friend I have really, and I feel like I can trust you because you seem a kind person. I know I don't know you really well but to me you seem like a tidy person and we were getting on extremely well the first few months of college.
I'm sorry for bringing it up again but I can't bottle things up any more.
It's hard to talk to guys about problems and family. I'm really upset, sometime last week I almost took my own life. Please don't tell anybody about this, My mother already knows about this. I just need to chat because I have suffered with this for many years but since October it's just been really bad. Please don't be mad at me, I've lost over 5 friends in the last few months because of my depression. I just feel useless to everybody, and I have let people down.
If I ever need to talk to someone can I talk to you? right now I've only got my mother and my brothers are too young to know what I'm going through. I don't mean to talk about it but I've come close a few times now. I have driven people away, I can't explain why I feel like I am, I just think I'm a loser and a failure. I have no self confidence because I've had people bully me for being ugly and thin.
I know you have your own life, all I ask is if I can sometimes chat with you if I feel like I need to talk to someone. Like I said I'm there for you too and for my other friends if they need me because I hate to see people upset or angry. I just like to make sure things are mellow and calm between people. I still feel bad about what happened with you and ben. I worry a lot about ****. To be honest Ben is not the best guy to talk too because he just argues with a lot of people for silly reasons, I feel bad for saying that about him but it's true, I don't want to get involved with that.
Please don't block me or anything, I'm sorry for what I said, I feel ashamed of having it because I think there are people who have it much worse than me I understand you're busy with college but I still want us to get along. All I ask is for us to be cool with each other.
Believe it or not but if I talk to someone like you or my other friends, it makes me feel happier because it takes my mind off things. Don't worry about responding now but would it be ok if we could talk sometime during the next few days.

Kyle.

I am reading your post now. Just so you know I'm here buddy. Lets talk. Peace friend. We're going to be all good, this is a great place. I'll finish reading feel free to write.
Gene

[NixonRulz]

Kyle - the letter you wrote is awesome

She sounds like a great girl if you think so much of her

Putting that aside, you really need to get in to see a doctor, therapist, priest, counselor

Anyone that you believe could help you

Understanding you are of college age, it is so understandable how you got where you are

Kids and young adults throw around comments and insults and believe they are harmless, but as you know, they aren't.

Your depression is ruling the way you think of yourself now.

That isn't the real you

The low self confidence would surely be helped when you conquer your depression

Please tell someone that can help you about your suicidal thoughts

As far as friends go, I wouldn't be responding to you if I already didn't believe you were part of the group

So your friends can be here while you go past this

Again, please talk to someone. You shouldn't be having these thoughts

You are young and have a great life ahead of you if you take the time to heal

Please keep us all updated on what is going on

Be well

[Dahila]

Nixon said it all. You will find tons of friends here, they will understand what you are going through:))

[NeverToo...Fear]

Hi Kyle, I read your letter. I thought what you wrote was nice. You were open with her and I hope she will continue to be your friend.

I agree with what you say about how people ignore or are mean to you when you're alive, but completely change after you die. When it doesn't matter anymore. I guess when people realize afterwards when someone is really gone, they have time to feel bad and want to change that by showing late attention.

Hang on, Kyle.. people here will support you.. :)

[Kyle Morgan]

Thanks. I haven't sent it to her yet, I'm nervous because I think what if she will hate me more

[jjh333]

try not to be nervous! lean on people around here who are always willing to talk and are extremely supportive

[jessed03]

A man needs to talk to women! Not even just cos of the whole dating aspect of life, but that female energy is needed in a mans life. It's good for perspective!

If you can get that here, then that's awesome :)

I think I remember you said you started a new med already? Hopefully that'll take you even further away from the suicidal stuff. Once the mental bullshit begins to fade a little, you get some of your confidence and mojo back again ya know. Having anxiety and tension stuff going on is terrible for a persons charisma and confidence. Makes you doubt, makes you timid... Makes life so much harder, and life's already pretty darn hard right!

Take it easy, keep writing away man, we're here!

[Dorrie23]

I swear I'm writing you tomorrow morning. I'm sorry honey. Just getting all of this paperwork ready and all of the conditions and drs. names, etc.. etc.. to start applying for disability. I gotta do it Dee Dee. I love ya though sis. Dorrieo

[Dorrie23]

How sweet and sooo true jjh333, and jessed03 is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Dorrie.

[Dorrie23]

Never Fear..... Dorrie's Hear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not Really, I'm about to go to sleep. lol. But not if you need me. Please dont need me.lol lol lol. I would stay up all night for you sweetie. Dorrie

[Dorrie23]

Honey........... I'm soryyyy you'sss feeling bad, but that was sooo sweet, and very true what you said about men need women friends too. How nice to hear that. You sure are nicer than some women I've known and know. lol lol. Ahhh!!!! As my momma used to tell me Jesse, before she passed away two weeks after my big 21st birthday party. "Nobody Promised Life Would Be A Bed Of Roses... and...If They Were... Roses Have Thorns!!!" I'd say take a big ole bubbly bath, NOTTT, You are a man. Goo...look at a magazine full of naked women or Victoria Secrets!!" Ahhh, Did I really just say that??? I did. See what I do for you Jesse!!!! I'm blushing of embarrassment. Going to bed now. Love ya all. Bye now. lol. Dorrie

[Dorrie23]

Nixon, I agree with Dahila, that was truly, just truly amazing, because of what you said and the way you said it, shows just how caring you really are. 500 Thumbs up to you. I was telling the gals down below hey before I went to bed and had no clue of this. Now I kind of feel bad. But If I didn't know, I didn't know. Take care, and you be proud of yourself when you go to bed tonight for saying such wonderful things to help another out. Seriously. Dorrie

[em1]

Hello and a warm welcome to the page :) you have so much support and advice from us all on the forum,your not alone in this so don't ever think that,we are all here so chat away

[em1]

Hey Kyle. It sucks you are having a hard time right now. Suicidal thoughts are so difficult to deal with. One minute you can be going along thinking this are not too bad in the moment then boom! There they are. It feels so distressing doesn't it. You have people here who want to know you. We can waffle on about just about anything.....the serious, the funny, the dark, the scary and the damn right silly! We are here for it all. That's because we are or have been through it. It's a place you can be understood whatever happens "out there" ! Keep posting as often as you can, stay engaged in what's happening here. You can also offer advice or your understanding ear to others and that will help you to realise you are important and can make a difference too. Em said the other day we are all links of a very strong chain here. Sometimes we can draw on that strength and sometimes we can reinforce it and make it stronger too. Your important in this chain too Kyle. X

Well said Frankie :) each and everyone of us is just as important as the next,everyone has there ups and downs and it's a hell of a Rollercoaster ride somedays,but the links that we are all making only makes us stronger and be4 you know it you will come back fighting stronger than ever,this chain grows everyday and everyday Someone new gets the courage to write down how they feel and to open up and talk to others is a massive step so you should be so proud of yourself for doing that :)

[GeneAllen]

You're on the right track Kyle. Stick with this forum. Come on and get some support. Peace Bro

[Kyle Morgan]

Can you guys read the letter and let me know if it's fine or if I should change something on there. Thanks

[Kyle Morgan]

Thanks I appreciate it. I still have not yet sent the message though

[Kyle Morgan]

Hello and a warm welcome to the page :) you have so much support and advice from us all on the forum,your not alone in this so don't ever think that,we are all here so chat away
Thanks nice to meet you too :)

[Enduronman]

Please read quote #7 again friend,...many days have passed since then but I'd like to refresh your memory bruh.....

There's much good advice all over these walls and threads, you've just gotta find the strength inside to apply them..it's in there, trust me.

http://anxietyforum.net/forum/showthread.php?24381-Problems-with-my-Depression


We can offer you all of the knowledge, suggestions, wisdom, in the world but you're gotta make some solid decisions before anything will happen positive..

E-Man...:)

[Kyle Morgan]

I still have not yet sent her the message, if anyone thinks i should change something in it, please let me know

[NixonRulz]

Its perfect.

Send it

[jessed03]

Yep, don't wanna make it too good - makes it look unnatural :)

[NeverToo...Fear]

I agree.. send that letter! And if she laughs at you and blocks you, well, her loss.. And then you can always come back here and tell us, "Told you so" ..Er, but I'm hoping that won't be the case!

[Dahila]

Kyle if you do not send the letter you do not take chance that she will not block you, maybe she will understand you. If you do not send it, you will never know what would happen. Of course decision belongs to you, only you. Listen your heart and what it is telling you, then make a decision. :))

[Kyle Morgan]

It's not really a letter, I was going to send it to her on Facebook, what I'm worried about too is that she might tell her parents since her and her parents live next door to me. Her mother might say something to my mother

[Kyle Morgan]

I'm going to send it to her tomorrow, I think she probably will ignore it though :(

[Kyle Morgan]

She blocked me after, I guess I screwed up. I guess I'm not meant to have friends

[Kyle Morgan]

I am sorry to hear that Kyle. I imagine you are feeling very hurt. Unfortunately not everyone can live up to our expectations. Some people are just ill equipped to deal with the serious side of life. Do not judge this girl to harshly but more importantly do not judge yourself to be unable for friendships. You are and you will find them. Some people just find it easier, some have many friends but only on a superficial level, others do not even like their friends but are afraid of being alone.

You see, things are not always what they seem.

It is ok Kyle to be with yourself. Many of us with anxiety and depression are. It does not mean it is forever either. Right now is a time for you Kyle to try your absolute hardest to recover from your depression. Make you number 1. Do not use the energy you have now on the girl because she can't give you what you need anyway.

Try to remember although at this time you are with yourself, it doesn't mean you are alone. Kyle, I am the same. I do not have any friends. Not physically beside me but I've more friends here than I could have wished for. You know the best bit Kyle? I can get what I need to help me here and on top of that, I can give what others might sometime need. It's perfect for us right now because here you can be true. No judgements, no stigma, no guilt, just understanding people who can fully comprehend what we are going through as they are there or have been.

You joined up so guess what? You better realise that you DO have friends Kyle. :)

Thank you, I'm kinda annoyed at her because she's made things worse and she has stirred up a lot of shit too lately which has made me worse, I almost lost my good friend because of her lies, I was there for her but she just decides to do that. I'm trying to be positive for now, I might seem harsh but fuck this girl, She has confused the hell out of me lately, I'm gonna make a thread about it and tell you the whole thing. Thank you, thanks I'm here for people like you too if you ever want advice or to chat

[Kyle Morgan]

I made the thread, could you check it out please

[NixonRulz]

Great response, Frankie. I agree with what you say.

Her blocking you Kyle is probably exactly what you need to get yourself together.

Then you will have all the time you want to make new friends

[Kyle Morgan]

I've explained the reason why I'm hurt and annoyed. Read my new thread